To ask whats the problem with MIL buying thier own clothes for their GC?

[MintJulip]

My mil does this and I see it much mentioned on MIL threads.

My MIL is always buying new clothes for the dc, sometimes she gives them to us sometimes not. I can tell she is slightly irked when she sees I have brought new clothes for them. The dc will often come back in new outfits and any pics they send to us from their house dc are in different clothes than what I dressed them in.
I personally have long issues with MIl and fil, but I just wondered what is it about this specific issue of clothes that other posters find odd?

Occasionally as a stepmother I felt slightly despairing at the clothes my stepdaughter arrived in. It wasn't just the girly, fussiness. (Think frilly ankle socks and only just long enough hair pulled into bunches with cute scrunchies. She started early puberty around 10. It was the tight T-shirt across her developing chest saying 'All this and brains too' that seemed really unfortunate....

We were another of those houses where there was a stash of plain T-shirts and jeans for doing messy and/or practical activities in.

Granny - I know some expensive stuff is also made in factory's with unsavoury ethics. Hence I don't buy them either. I really have researched the brands and items we buy ourselves. Mine mainly wear fair trade organic clothing made in small companies, I like to support those who support others themselves. Mine wear white clothing to the beach or in mud also, always washes out. I'm not sure why so many people clothing stains? Do they not wash stuff correctly?

I love owls your comment resonated with me.... If they don't like clothing choice what about other choices. I am in slight battle over potty training as it happens. I am happy for dd to come to pants in her own time, MIL behind our backs try to get her in pants. Which dd now hates.
Blue leopard that's hilarious what a difference in taste. I must admit I prefer smocks dresses that are practical and I don't care at all about mess or clothes getting dirty , MIL prefers the jeans and t-shirt uniform. I also love clothes and tend to buy second hand or charity but you would never know

Re yesterday thread no question in whole situation the clothes was weird. Its just something that seems quite common for mils to do and my own does it too. Gives clothes for Birthday and Xmas which the dc are disappointed with. They would prefer toys etc.

My MIL does this a lot. We have learned to see the positive side, DS is always in clean clothes when he comes from them. Surely the opposite would be worse, if they always sent him home in ruined clothes. DH and I do occasionally laugh about the outfits when they are particularly outlandish and preppy (but not so DS can hear)

I generally welcome gifts of clothing, but it would be appreciated if I was asked what size was required so money isn't wasted on items that are too small.

i think it is a boundary issue for many people. Parents dress children, not grandparents. Grandparents are not parents (of the children in question).

Having a separate wardrobe for your grandchildren at your house which you dress them in when they come to stay smacks of playing mummy and would get a lot of parents backs up i would think.

I think its motive dependent. My mil buys same stuff as me - character t shirts as the boys love them, trackies, jeans. I'm chilled out about it. They mainly.come home with us, sometimes stay at hers as play clothes - she has a big field so they get muddy.

If she was buying them new outfits to chnage into to take them out now that would be weird

I've never seen people read so much into people buying their children clothes before

My mum buys them, my ex mil has her own clothes for him at hers and even his aunt does.

He comes back in something new each time he goes to his aunts. Usually a top of one of her fav bands

It's just clothes. I can't get worked up about people choosing to buy my son a gift.

I bought everyone did this

We had this when DS was little, I think it is odd, fair enough have a few bits to change them into of they get very dirty, but she used to change him as soon as we left him. She doesn't seem to do it now though.

I buy a few little things for my gd. I give them to her dm and she can wear them whenever she likes. Usually go for something not too off the wall.
Do keep few bits for her in my house for messy play painting etc.
Have to say sometimes it's hard to resist all the lovely clothes out there but l am conscious not to overdo it.
As a grandma l think dressing them up in outfits is seriously weird as we had our chance. Its like taking advantage of the child to satisfy our own need when the dm isn't there. Very scary carry on.
Sometimes l wonder do these grandmas ever read these posts and think hey lm out of line.

I don't mind it. Neither does dh. I am quite happy when mum sends kids back in different clothes. Saves me time and money. Mum has a stash of clothes at her house and we swop them about. The kids go to mums on a Friday after school about once a month. So it saves me sending Them clothes to school. But I think for some people they see it as a judgment and in some cases, it is. Where I see it as 'mum saw these shorts and knew Dd would like them so got them

Exactly.

Thankfully it is possible for something like clothes buying, or anything else buying, to not be seen as sinister or threatening.

I think it completely depends on the reasoning behind it. My MIL has a lot of clothes, toys etc at her and FIL's house because my children spend a lot of time there. They have clothes so the kids can change into something clean, something more casual or more dressy if needed. However, those clothes filter back to our house, our clothes filter there and it's all about what the children need. They have toys there to keep them amused, but MIL would never dream of buying something we were intending to buy. She doesn't check with us when she decides to buy playdoh or new paints or another thing for the dress up box, but she wouldn't buy something big without checking we weren't planning on it for birthday/Christmas.

My friend's MIL changes her children the second they arrive at her house. In their case it's about judgement. Friend doesn't dress the children properly, she doesn't feed them properly, she doesn't have as many toys as MIL, she doesn't have as good quality toys as MIL - it's competative. She changes everything about her GC because she feels she is better with them, and for them, than their mother. That's not right, and it's not healthy.

My MIL used to buy stuff for my DDs because she'd only had sons and was really happy to be able to buy "pretty" children's clothes for a change. Unfortunately her idea of "pretty" was not the same as mine. She carried on bringing them stuff for a good few years until she finally gave up. To be fair though, after a year or so of never seeing either DD in any of the outfits she'd bought them because they had been hidden in the back of the wardrobe she did at least start bringing gift receipts so I could return them!

My DM is much more sensible, she just gives me cash and I go and get stuff the girls like

DH and I take the DGCs and their dad, DS2, to somewhere tropical every summer. DGS (nearly 13) can wear his usual summer outfits, but I always buy DGD some cool dresses to wear in the evenings to go out to restaurants. At home she is normally sensibly clad in shorts and teeshirts. She also needs plenty of swimsuits. Her mum, DS's XP, is quite happy as it saves her buying clothes with limited use, though this year she took the kids away herself in June, and I gave her the new swimsuits to save doubling up.
This seems to suit the kids' mum, though I wouldn't expect to interefere with her normal way of clothing the kids or make them wear different stuff when at home with us.

My Mam keeps a small pile of clothes for my daughter and for my niece at hers.

It's never bothered me or SIL as far as I know.

My niece is an only child and SIL tends to spend a fortune on the little Spanish outfits. Which is fair enough people have different tastes but I tend to pick her (my niece) up George and tesco bits and bobs which I dress mine in.

It doesn't bother her as she'll put my niece in them for nursery or playing at my mams with DD. It just keeps her nice expensive outfits for best. She'll buy DD expensive items (tho not as many) that she'll wear for special occasions.

Sometimes it's just different tastes. I wouldn't presume she's telling me DD looks cheap. Same as I don't say she dresses DN too expensive. Neither side judging iyswim.

It's all about motive, isnt it?

If the motive is "I want to help you out with a few bits and pieces, kids grow so fast", that's fine. If the motive is "I want to override yours and your DC's tastes and wishes with mine and pretend I'm a mummy again", well, that's a bit batshit.

I'm fine with clothes or baby equipment migrating to grannys and vice versa. Each granny in our family has a cupboard of assorted toys that stay there but they are to be played with by all the DGC. She would never, for example, buy him a bike in November when she knows its something we have decided as a present from mummy and daddy for Christmas. That kind of behaviour is just nasty.

yes agree

My grandchildren go from house to house whether its mine or their aunty or uncles without even having to think about a toothbrush. In fact tomorrow Im going to my youngest daughters to work out what she has to buy for the room she's sorting out for when nephew and nieces from both sides go to stay with her and her husband. Its the same in everyones home. The children are ours as in everyones though nothing takes away from mum and dad.

I buy my grandchildrem stuff lots. Several time a year I go shopping with the mums take them into shops of their chosing and tell them to go crazy I also get them stuff if they want it. My motive is nothing more than wanting to save them money and help them out and I get enjoyment out of watching them pick what they want without needing to worry about how much it all costs.

I wouldn't dream of commenting on their taste or changing someone elses child as soon as the parents back was turned without an actual messy tyoe need to

Mint my MIL does this ( what your MIL does with clothes for everyone) with food. She is in charge of all food and what everyone eats. Even when she comes to our house - which is in a different city a couple of hours away - she will bring a whole dinner cooked from scratch, inc pudding, plus stuff for lunch. Often lugged on the train. We can say that we've just been shopping, got loads of food in - doesn't matter, she still does it. It's starting to annoy me as our kitchen is tiny and there is nowhere to put the stuff she brings and it often results in food we've bought getting thrown away uneaten because there's too much of everything.
She's also tried on lots of occasions to take over feeding DD - constantly trying to give her water/a bottle when she was BF, and then lunging at her with spoons once weaning started. Packing a picnic lunch for DD when we had told her several times not to as we would be bringing her food for that family outing (did she think we would forget to bring food for our own child??)

On one level it has to be taken as nurturing/thoughtful, but it can often feel like she is taking over and doesn't think we can provide for our own family. It's like food is her territory and she is used to being in control and can't let go of that even though her sons now have their own lives/houses/partners/children.

It can be a control issue. Clothes, hair styles and other ways we present our bodies like piercings are the way we see ourselves and want to present ourselves to the world (even if the message is 'I couldn't care less about clothes and give them no thought'). Parents make these decisions on behalf of babies and others taking over without permission or with a different style (pink girlie when parents want neutral) or a different message (cheap for messy play rather than carefully coordinated and stylish) is a way of asserting one's control over the parents.

Artandco, unfortunately my DIL doesn't send them in white clothes and yes our beach, which has red sand, does stain. Anyway I asked DIL if I had offended her when she picked the GC up last night. She looked at me like I was mad and assured me that a cheap set of clothes for the beach was no problem and that when she takes them she will put something on that she doesn't mind if they get spoiled but if they are in newer stuff when they come to me then she wouldn't want them getting ruined.

So all is well and she isn't going round moaning about me.