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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask whats the problem with MIL buying thier own clothes for their GC?

125 replies

MintJulip · 13/07/2016 11:49

My mil does this and I see it much mentioned on MIL threads.

My MIL is always buying new clothes for the dc, sometimes she gives them to us sometimes not. I can tell she is slightly irked when she sees I have brought new clothes for them. The dc will often come back in new outfits and any pics they send to us from their house dc are in different clothes than what I dressed them in.
I personally have long issues with MIl and fil, but I just wondered what is it about this specific issue of clothes that other posters find odd?

OP posts:
alltouchedout · 14/07/2016 08:40

I've never met my mil but my mum buys clothes for the dc and keeps then at her house. Often not clothes I'd buy but so what? If the dc are happy to wear them it's fine with me. I was annoyed once when she got their hair cut without asking if I minded but clothes are just clothes.

Purplebluebird · 14/07/2016 08:42

I would be a bit annoyed about the picture thing, but love when mil buys new clothes for our son. She has great taste, and can afford nicer stuff than we can! Grin

TriJo · 14/07/2016 08:55

I like when my mum has a few bits for my DS at her house - means I have to take less with me and that's important when we're flying (I'm in London, she's in Dublin). Having really specific outfits that they only wear there though is a bit weird.

Gottagetmoving · 14/07/2016 08:59

Why would it bother anyone if their DM or MIL buy their children clothes?
Whether they are staking a claim, or being possesive, YOU are the child's parent and should be secure in that knowledge without fearing the Grandparent is trying to take over your child.
You can choose to stress about it or you could find it amusing and not be bothered by it,
My mother used to buy clothes for my nephew for when he stayed at her house, because my sister would send him with really tatty clothes. My mother wouldn't have taken him out looking like a tramp so she bought him new stuff. She was not 'judging' my sister - she was just making sure he looked tidy when she took him out. My sister was not bothered whether he looked messy - my mother was.

Foxyloxy1plus1 · 14/07/2016 09:01

I never knew it was a thing to buy clothes and keep them in different houses. When I buy clothes, I do so because I think it will help out the parents and I give them to the parents. It's nice if I see them wearing the clothes I bought, but I don't expect to. I bought the first school uniform for two of them and I would never ever criticise of judge the style of clothes they buy.

I knitted loads of things too, but rarely saw those being worn, so probably won't any more, but it's not worth falling out over.

Sgtmajormummy · 14/07/2016 09:19

I think it just brings out any undercurrent of resentment if a relation starts "overstepping the boundaries", whatever they may be in your case.

My late MIL was always buying expensive outfits (from the jacket to the shirt, right down to socks and sometimes shoes!) for DS. He was her only grandchild at the time and she wanted to show her affection and vent some grandmotherly feelings. It was always top quality and all I needed to buy for DS were trackies and pyjamas. Very welcome as we were struggling in the early days. If I didn't like it, he didn't wear it, but I've kept a lot of the things she bought for DD, too.

But we had a good relationship. I knew she was generous to a fault (with me too) and that buying tiny clothes gave her a thrill.
It would have been churlish to refuse.

P1nkP0ppy · 14/07/2016 09:33

As a MIL I agree it depends totally on the motive, if it's using your dc as a substitute baby of her own then it's downright creepy.
Yes I buy my DGCs clothes, some of which I'll keep here for walks in the woods, getting muddy and wet and others when I think that they and DDIL will like them.
I do find the changing them into completely different clothes when you're looking after them very weird, unless it's for practical reasons.

bellybuttonfairy · 14/07/2016 09:45

My lovely mum used to always buy clothes for my dc. I always thought it was a kind thing to do but unfortunately they were awful. I hated them and so did the children. They would hang unused in the wardrobe until they were too small and then go into the charity bag.

MrsJoeyMaynard · 14/07/2016 14:19

Depends on the motive and how much they buy I guess. Buying occasional items because you think the grandkids will like them, or spares to keep for messy play, or buying clothes for a trip out (e.g. shorts for a trip to the beach) if grandchild doesn't have any to hand, all fine. Although as a general rule, I'm not keen on other people buying clothes for my DC, as they don't always buy stuff to my taste.

MIL has never really bought many clothes for my DC - this year, she got them pyjamas (with some of DCs favourite characters on) at Easter, and when we were staying for a week, she kindly bought DS2 several pairs of trousers after I somehow forgot to pack any trousers for him. Plus a pair of lovely handknitted jumpers. All gratefully received. My parents have never bought my DC any clothes apart from an occasional holiday souvenir t-shirt.

But a scenario where a grandmother bought enough for the DCs entire wardrobe, or changed them into clothes she'd bought the minute they arrived at her house would seem a bit strange and I can see how that could feel intrusive or as if she didn't approve of the way we choose to dress our children.

milliemolliemou · 14/07/2016 14:32

Just leave it. Providing your children come back with the clothes you sent them in then - even if dressed in MIL's choice - no worries.

If my imaginary gd came to me aged 4 in a spangly bra top, frou frou skirt, high heels and make up I'd make sure I had a change at home for walks/playing in the garden/seaside and another for going out to lunch but wouldn't send her home in either unless they were so tired.

Original poster
MintJulip · 14/07/2016 14:59

I dress dd normally. Normal shoes cotton dresses etc. No odd t shirts with emotive messages

OP posts:
angiebabes2k · 14/07/2016 20:09

My MIL used to look under my sons T-shirt literally every time we went there to check he was wearing a vest! Even when itcwas scorching. And commented how strange it was that he wore socks for bed!?!

squidgyapple · 14/07/2016 20:31

My MIL used to buy my DCs a lot of clothes and I certainly put them in them as I didn't see the point in them not being used. Then my eldest got to about 10 or 11 and started bitterly moaning that 'grandma bought all her clothes'.

At that point Mil realised that she could no longer really choose clothes that her grandchildren were willing to wear; however despite saying that she wouldn't buy them any more clothes, she still gets tempted ...with hilariously off the mark results . Lets just say there's a wide difference between what she thinks looks nice and what they are willing to be seen dead in.

e1y1 · 14/07/2016 20:46

The fact your MIL buys clothes, not really an issue.

However, the fact you say she seems irked when you buy them clothes is a HUGE problem - they're your children, not hers.

SarcasmMode · 14/07/2016 21:00

I personally don't have a problem with it unless grandparents buy colours/patterns the DC don't like but I understand why some might not be keen.

LizzieVereker · 14/07/2016 21:02

I'd never heard of grandparents doing this before MN. I mean, I'd heard of grandparents buying DCs new outfits as a gift, or DCs needing a change of clothes whilst at their grandparents, I get that. But I've never come across grandparents routinely re-dressing DCs in "their" clothes, as if the DC is a doll, or their own child. I find it intensely creepy. The thread yesterday about the Grandma who changed the DC as soon as her mum left made me Shock.

MazzleDazzle · 14/07/2016 21:04

Agree that it definitely depends on the motive.

Of course there's nothing wrong with buying clothes for grandchildren.

For some grandparents though, clothes are just another way of exerting control and undermining parents. IME it can be petty and not always in the best interests of the child. My DS's MIL bought a whole wardrobe of clothes for my DN and every time she babysat (even for an hour!) she dressed her up in numerous outfits & took lots of photos. If possible, she would parade her in public dressed like a doll. Under no circumstances would she be allowed to take any of the clothes home! Bizarre.

NowWhat1983 · 14/07/2016 21:07

That is so weird. I occasionally but my nieces and nephew new clothes but these are given to their mother (DC are still very young) for them.

Then they can put the clothes on the child like normal as and when they choose.

That is so weird.

chelle87 · 14/07/2016 21:09

This would wind me right up!!!!!!
I'd take it as a personal insult but I'm very funny about things like that and would feel soooo judged.

Daytona79 · 14/07/2016 21:09

My PIL do this I can't stand them as it is , they even had the check to chuck my babies shoes in the bin as they didn't like them. I was raging when I found out but my OH wouldn't let me say anything

They change his clothes when he art bed sometimes then change him back before OH comes home with him

I only know because I see photos, I don't go to there house as I can't stick them anymore

crayfish · 14/07/2016 21:19

My MIL does this and it really annoys me. There are two main reasons why:
A) DS is a baby and not a toy for you to dress up. He hates getting his clothes taken off/put on so don't put him through it just to make him look the way you want.
B) the clothes she takes off him always go missing and never reappear.

I don't mind her having spares for accidents or spills or whatever (although I send spares whenever he goes to hers), but she dresses him up just to satisfy her own whims. It's irritating. I don't care if she doesn't like what I choose, I buy his clothes almost entirely for his comfort (I hate seeing little boys in shirts and jeans and waistcoats and stuff - it must be so uncomfortable to crawl/nap in) and that's what matters.

underneaththeash · 14/07/2016 21:26

It annoys me as we give fund my MIL and she has never yet bought anything that either fits of is vaguely suitable. Eg a dressing down in age 0-3months, a keep away from fire top age 0-6 month with a hood. A suit age 3-6 months. A christening dress for DD after we have had her christening. Various clothes for massive DS1 in an age appropriate size (but not his size), a skull t-shirt with blood on it for DS1. Another keep away from fire party frilly party dress for DD. Enormous clothes for DS2 (who wears age appropriate sizes). Etc etc and we're paying for them.

i do point out the issues, but she can't seem to get it right, so I now just take them back.

HeyRobot · 14/07/2016 21:38

My friend's gp did this when he was little. He would have to change his whole outfit- even socks, and then back again to go home. Very creepy. Even odder when the child is too young to change themself in my opinion because it's such a faff to do.

DD's gp often buy her clothes and have things at their house for when we visit - muslins, high chair, bubble bath etc for when we visit. That's normal. Making children change their clothes for no reason is weird. In my friend's case it really was no reason - not even different tastes, just different clothes for their house. So creepy!

EssexMummy1234 · 14/07/2016 21:59

yup both creepy and controlling.

AgentPineapple · 14/07/2016 22:16

I don't think it's that big a deal, my MIL buys my kids clothes a lot. She has never looked after them without me being there so hasn't had the opportunity to dress them up, but I suspect if she ever did look after them on her own (never going to happen) she would definitely redress them. Don't think I would mind. She has more money than us and can be a little bit elitist so always buys fancier clothes than we can afford, the way I see it my kids benefit from it and it's not really a big deal. There are plenty of things to get worked up about in life, this is not one of them