To ask whats the problem with MIL buying thier own clothes for their GC?

[MintJulip]

My mil does this and I see it much mentioned on MIL threads.

My MIL is always buying new clothes for the dc, sometimes she gives them to us sometimes not. I can tell she is slightly irked when she sees I have brought new clothes for them. The dc will often come back in new outfits and any pics they send to us from their house dc are in different clothes than what I dressed them in.
I personally have long issues with MIl and fil, but I just wondered what is it about this specific issue of clothes that other posters find odd?

"She used to buy clothes for me."
What stopped her?

When my mother is here ( she lives abroad so only see her few times a year) I love her to pick my outfits.

My mother has taste I can only dream off!

So I totally get why you sil OP hands over what she's wearing to your mil. I'd do the same if I could.

Of not off. FGS!

It's not the act of buying clothes it's the motive behind them.
I don't especially like the MN demonising of MILs stance, but I do think as many grandparents have more disposable income nowadays they do tend to want to show love by spending as well and any who do have an agenda other than that would have still tried control tactics in the past but used a different medium. Then again many more parents do use GPs for unpaid childcare than ever before so the opportunities for dressing the child are greater too.

where a massive fall out ( over other stuff)

pink the funny thing is - mil has great taste on her own clothes, really lovely taste but only buys sil - jeans and t shirts its like a day wear uniform, sil never looks nice imo. Mil is quite glam.

If mil was buying same level for sil she buys for herself I too would get it.
I hate what she dresses FIL in too.

GPs for unpaid childcare than ever before so the opportunities for dressing the child are greater too

very true

You see I can imagine also taking great pleasure in buying outfits for my GC if I am lucky enough to have any and of course I will want ideally to see GC in them

I guess its the motive behind and how its done...

MIL always brought OTT dresses and the kids only wanted leggings - she never got it though

Same as DD only wanted blue - but she kept buying pink

It's the not listening that drives you mad - and the waste of money

I don't have a mil (deceased).

My parents buy my daughter clothes, if she has stayed overnight she will sometimes come back in the new outfit rather than what I've packed. But they always give the clothes to me one way or another. They don't store them at their own homes as though my daughter needs to be rescued from the clothes I buy for her.

They choose nice stuff too, in fairness.

Depends on the circumstances.

I had an issue with pfb and MIL buying clothes:

• they bought fabrics that exacerbate pfb eczema despite being told cotton or natural fibres and why
• wound my DH up as they were all OTT girly - pink frilly which he didn't like and had told them as general comment before them buying stuff

-very impractical frill busy dresses that interfered with mobility which we both saw as an issue and made nappy changes/toilet training harder

• IL were unhappy when tops and skirts they said should go together weren't put together
• despite them saying they understood children got messy when they saw it they had major problem and often wanted the child to be stopped from exploring
• they bought a ridiculous amount of clothes for a long point in the future just after DH and I had both said we were surprised who much enjoyed pick up odd bits - so it seemed about stopping us having that by the apparently nice gesture of saving us money
• meant the clothes were not as gender neutral as we wanted - we'd wanted that for a few reasons but partly so we could reused for next children we'd always said we'd have and IL refused to believe we would.
• expectation of constant gratitude - being told how wonderful it was of our IL to buy all these clothes which went on long after they had stopped and constant expectation from IL we'd say thank you every visit

-

I did feel guilt for throwing out the unusable clothes - but they were just taking up our very limited at the time storage space - and we dyed most of the pink stuff to black which looked better. Obviously we said thank you for the clothes but I think that was noticed.

It did seem with time - especially as we no have several children - toned down the amounts bought. Plus children have had strong preferences very early so if they want their stuff worn they have to take account of the children's tastes.

Occasionally clothes are bought with inappropriate comments on them which IL think funny but children and us don't. However bar a few misses they do by well now though children are taught to say thank you even if they can't stand the clothes they just don't ware them.

So on the whole we've got to a very good point - they get different type of clothes - sometimes better quality bought them so we've reached a point it's a none issue.

my dm made the mistake of doing this with my db and dsil children once when they turned up at hers with worn, holey stained clothes.

every time they come to my dms now they have similar stuff on.

at first i thought it was because they were after new clothes but now i think that is just how the choose to live.

Both sets of GPs have bought and made things for DS and they have been lovely.

There is nothing wrong with GPs occasionally buying clothes as a gift or treat. But if it's all the time and/or they get upset if you don't dress the child in said clothes then I can see how it becomes a problem.

What is totally unacceptable is what I read in the thread yesterday about the GPs who immediately change their 14-month-old GD's outfit when mum has dropped her off and then change her back into the clothes she came in before she is picked up. The mum only found out when she saw a photo. It's just secretive, controlling and weird. And completely unnecessary. That's where the doll issue comes from.

I would down it strange if you changed mine just because they were wearing an expensive top for example for the beach. To me I buy nice clothes so they can wear, if they get muddy they can be washed so it's no issue. I wouldn't be happy if grandparents then bought and dressed them in primark clothes. I don't buy them for a reason, and that's I don't like primarl and other companies policy on child labour and paying staff pennies. So you buying the cheap crap would be supporting it

It just shows that even when you try to be thoughtful and considerate you can annoy people. I will ask DIL if she would prefer me to take them to the beach in their expensive clothes and send them home for her to wash (she is fussy about powder/softer/ironing so we have an agreement that I don't do it.)

I think lots of the expensive clothes are made in the same factories as the cheap stuff. Well I am sure there was a programme on BBC about it but can't remember what it was called.

We've always been grateful for clothes from grandparents (although haven't always been keen on the style of everything single thing they have bought), because at times money has been tight and a new pair of shoes or trousers for DD has really helped us out. We are now NC with MIL anyway (as she is a mad evil bitch) but my parents and my FIL do buy my DD clothes sometimes and I know it's not because they 'want to dress her up like a doll' or because they are making a judgement on how she is dressed by me, but because they want to help us out.

Because it is unnecessary, insulting and plain weird.

Buy clothes as a gift, fine, but purposefully changing the childs' clothes, even when there is no mess or accidents, is just bloody weird, they may as well say to your face, I hate the way you dress your children.

It can be used as a means of peeing on their territory.

"the funny thing is - mil has great taste on her own clothes, really lovely taste but only buys sil - jeans and t shirts its like a day wear uniform, sil never looks nice imo. Mil is quite glam."
Ah, the plot thickens! MIL likes to look glam and also likes the younger women round her to definitely NOT compete! By any chance were the clothes she bought for you a bit frumpy?

For some GPs it's as other PPs have described - a nice gift.

For some it is a comment on the parents'/mother's taste in clothes.

But for SOME (not all) it's a way of 'owning' or 'claiming' the child as their own. Particularly in the thread yesterday where the DD was changed into the clothes GPs had bought the minute the mother was out of the door. By removing all traces of her mother, the GPs were more easily able to pretend (quite possibly even believe) that the DD is theirs. And that crosses a line by a long way.

Forgetting about the perceived messages from the gp to the parent, it must be really strange for the dgc to understand why they are changed out of their clothes when they are at their gp's, and changed back into their clothes before their parents return.

How do the gp's explain this to the dgc?

Start doing it young enough and kids just accept that's what happens at Granny's and never question it as they have nothing to compare it with.

clothes as gifts are fine, some spare clothes in case they have an accident - fine - but a completely seperate wardrobe at their house to their tastes to dress them in? whenever my DS goes anywhere he alsways goes with sapare set of clothes just in case. All very weird. Do some grandparents have no boundaries? I'd feel like they were trying to take over. If they dont accept my clothing choice, will the accept my safety and discipline rules?

I think if it's persistent it is seen as a symptom of "pretending to be the Mum" it's also like if you buy your little girl jeans and tops and your MIL wants her in dresses and cardis like a judgement - this is how I think your little girl should dress and this is how she WILL dress

My DM would put my DS in a hard collar shirt, dickie-bow and slacks, with shiny polished lace up shoes. Or dress him up like a little old man with a v-necked jumper and shirt. She likes them looking 'smart' He would hate it, mainly because he'd not be able to play happily in the garden without DM giving out to him for doing anything that might stain the expensive outfit she bought him.

I put my DS in what he prefers to wear - a rock t-shirt with a long sleeved top underneath, jeans (invariably ripped at the knee) and converse sneakers. His t-shirts include Bowie, ACDC, Metallica, The Clash, Blondie, GnR etc.

Mil is brilliant. She just sticks cash in a card and lets us pick something from Granny for him. I'll text her a picture of him enjoying his present or in the outfit bought from her money.

It depends on the intent. If grandparents change the children as soon as they arrive when there's nothing wrong with their current clothes it's manipulative. Staking a claim and all that.

If they have spares at their place to use when children get messy, or have accidents or after bath time, then that's fine IMO.

Same as GP who get in first and sneakily feed their GC first goods or take for a hair cut without permission. It's not their place. They had their turn with their own children and it's flat out rude and mean to steal those firsts from the GC's parents.

My mil boys my dc clothes which are most definitely not to my taste, like a previous poster against my ethics, invariably the wrong size for at least one of them and non-natural fabrics which don't help dc2's sensitive skin. She once hit it wrong in every level in buying the wrong size, wrong colour, fat fit (don't even get me started on the need for fat fit kids clothes) school trousers for my super lean 6 as they were in a supermarket sale. I had to leave the room before I said anything as it was yet more sh*t we didn't need - clothes buying is the tip of the innapropriate /money wasting / over consumption iceberg as far as il's are concerned.

"pretending to be the Mum"

Actually did have that problem with MIL - wanting to be called mama - lots of "everyone thinks I'm pfb mum" - room in their house decorated in pink - "oh your not being fair to DH bf" ie I can't have her overnight and can't bottle feed her and ignore DH wanted me to bf - seeing us say no to something oh "I've said yes" - running of with her leaving rest of us wondering where they were during visits or days out.

Drove me batty thankfully calmed mostly down mainly as didn't go along with it neither did DH or rest of family after a while.

I think OP problem is MIL seem to be pandered too - I mean what is SIL playing at letting her mum still pick her clothes.