To have just laughed down the phone at this woman?

[ClaudiaWankleman]

Phone rings. I pick up. Long wait as I am connected to the poor person at the end of the long line to (I assume) somewhere in Asia. I sigh.

Hello, is that Claudia?
Yes. Who is calling?
Hello. How are you today?
Fine thanks. Who is calling?
I am calling about nuisance marketing phone calls.
Right.
Records show that you have been receiving nuisance marketing phone calls. For a small fee we can block these calls from your phone.
Do you mean calls like this?
No, I mean marketing calls.
Like this one then? Cue hyena laughter

I didn't hear the rest of what was said, I hung up after a good long laugh and went back to watching Judge Judy. You can't pee on my leg and tell me it's raining.

I will be cheery all day now.

You all talk of TPS we registered with them several years ago, but get at least 10 calls every day. Drives me mad. I have picked up the receivers and put straight back down 5 times within an hour today. I did answer one and it was about buying electricity. I did message the TPS to check our name is registered and it is. It's really getting annoying now. I get at least 2 a day on my mobile too. I don't answer that either. Anyone have a solution please?

That is brilliant, I'll smile for the rest of the day

It's more annoying getting one of the car accident calls when you have recently had an accident. I've been driving 10 years, involved in one accident and got the scam phone call the very next day. I was expecting a phone call from my insurance and had already spoken to a different company that my insurance worked with so didn't just want to hang up on this guy. Took me ages to actually be confident enough that it was a nuisance call without actually giving him any information. Didn't help that he phoned when I was out with the dog, halfway through picking up a poo and also trying to get her back on lead because I saw a dog I knew coming that is NOT friendly!

I also quite like to answer the first question or so of those survey things as they tend to start of with really impersonal questions and then ask what they will be doing with the information. Most of the time they haven't a clue and just mumble platitudes that I don't accept. But as I have started the survey they don't want to hang up so in can take up quite a bit of their time...

I'm never rude though, it is the company that I have a problem with not the poorly paid person on the other end of the line.

I had a call and he asked if I was John I said no I was John's brother. He asked to speak to John, I said that I was his brother and was on my way to John's funeral as he died last week. The caller than asked if I had time to do a short survey. I think he understood "Fuck Off" but maybe not as he did not hang up.
I've also said to other callers "yes that's me", and then kept saying I do not need whatever they are selling as I am dead. It confused the hell out of them.

I have a TrueCall device for my landline. It screens out automated calls by asking the caller to press a number. Then if they get through you can decide whether or not to take the call. You can also set it to 'zap'unwanted numbers,so they never get through.It cost £100, but it's been worth every penny.

That clip is fantastic wish I could get my sh*t together in time to be able to react to cold callers like that, I'm useless.

If there's a pause I hang up, or if I'm in the mood I just say "yes" to everything.

Hello is that Gertrude Stein?
Yes
How are you today Gertrude
Yes
.... You are well?
Yes
Yes, that's great Gertrude, Let me introduce mysel..
Yes
I'm from Splinter and Dickhead double glazed windows Ltd.
Yes?
Yes, We are currently in your area destroying the architectural heritage with our plastic crap.
Yes!
Would you be intereste..
Yes!
Wonderful, I just need to ask a couple of questions first
Yes?
Yes, it won't take a moment.... Are you the owner or do you rent your property
Yes
Err, that's to say you own it?
Yes
Good, wonderful Gertrude, can I make an appointment with one of our experts for you?
Yes
Would say... Tomorrow at 08.30 be too early for you
Yes
Well, let's see... He could come at 11.30, would that be better?
Yes
Terrific
Yes
Let me just check, you are at 110 Catscrap Lane, Shagsworth?
Yes
What type of home do you have?
Yes
Err.... When you say "yes", is that a house, or a flat?
Yes, a houseboat.
A houseboat?
Yes
In Catscrap Lane?
Yes
I see... That's your main residence?
Yes
In Catscrap Lane? Is your houseboat on dry land?
Yes
Oh I see. What sort orf windows do you have?
Yes
No, what I mean is are they French windows, sash windows or something else?
Yes, they are portholes.
Portholes?......
Yes
....... Err are you joking?
Yes

"#$@¥%#>!"

Yes that's what I was thinking too.

After DMum died, I kept getting catalogues from a well known company selling loose covers and cushions and shite. I sent several back saying she had died and in the end I rang them as we were getting a catalogue every two weeks. The person I spoke to said they would not remove Mums details from their mailing list unless I sent them a copy of her death certificate!! I told her to fuck off (Iwas not in a good place) and then just sent back every catalogue in an envelope without a stamp (hoping they had to pay the postage their end) it stopped after about 18 months, the bastards.

ABU about Judge Judy as its all about Judge Faith these days

Get out.

Ha ha! My hubby had that exact same conversation the other night! 😂

I had a Windows call a few weeks back as well. I work from home.

Hello we are calling about the windows on your computer- they have a virus

• ah no, really? This is my work computer, what the hell am I going to do?

Do not worry, I will help you. Are you in front of your computer?

• Yes, oh thank you so much for helping!

Ok, press the start button

-where is that?

In the bottom corner of your screen

This went on for 20 mins, I just couldnt find that button!

Eventually..

-Hang on, do I have to turn ON the computer???

Click

I had a windows computer virus one too, I strung them along for about 15mins by acting really dumb and finally ended the call with asking them if the light up apple on the case was significant

Not had one since.

I also strung on a company wanting to sell me shares in an American fracking venture. We chatted for ages about my millions until I had to say that all my investments go through my investment manager so I don't get sucked into dodgy projects. It was fun while it lasted.

I'm not nasty, just keep them talking so they have less time to call other, more vulnerable, people.

Love it!

I get a lot of calls from "Microsoft about my Windows computer" (which I do have). I sound puzzled and say, "But I don't think my Apple runs Windows". The call is instantly terminated for them to try some other sucker.

My 3 year old loves answering the phone at the moment... SO MUCH FUN!
Is your mummy there?
Yes
Can I talk to her
No, I want to talk to you... What do you want? What are you going to say next?
Can I speak to your mummy please?
No. You speak to me first. And what are you going to say next?
Is your daddy there?
No. And what are you going to say next? Talk to me not my mummy, she's very busy.
Can I talk to her please?
No she's too busy laughing too much. And what are you saying...

Etc etc
He actually ended up saying
Well you have a nice day anyway

Not strictly a cold call, but had calls wanting me to pay for an extended warranty on a tumble dryer. He went through his script, when I said no thanks, he said "but what would you do if your tumble dryer broke down? How would you dry your clothes?" clearly expecting a flustered "oh well I'd have to get a new one/call an engineer".

I told him I'd hang them on the clothes horse instead.

Followed by silence, rustling, then a laugh and a "Can't really argue with that, can I?"

I used to see double glazing down the phone and you quickly grow a skin for work. You have to be a quick witted though nut to survive in phone sales and even then few stick the job for long so don't feel bad, and that little tale made me laugh, short story material perhaps.

Whenever I get calls to talk about 'the accident I was involved in' I usually reply with, 'oh yeah, it was awful, my head fell off and had to be glued back on' .
Cue silence from other end of phone.

Just remembered a cracker. I used to be a pub manager and we would get calls claiming to be from the government. So we kept a list of wrestlers real names by the phone to give them. One day they called and I gave them one of these names and the next day someone called asking for this person claiming they had taken out £1000 worth of advertising. Well, I let them have it. I think they hung up whilst I was telling them what I thought of them and where they could go & do there

I almost never get this - I don't even get much in the way of targeted email. Probably because I'm religious to a fault about selecting 'no marketing' on forms etc., and even in shops that want your details. Got rid of the landline entirely last year too (wireless broadband now).

Feel slightly sad that I don't get to tease them, but overall I reckon I'm winning :-)

I had that call too. They rang at about 10pm too. They haven't rang again.

I finally worked out how to stop marketing calls forever and it didn't cost anything.

1. Unplug the landline - nobody calls on it anyway except marketers and wrong numbers.
2. Set my iPhone to Do Not Disturb (you can find it on settings) and on that setting block all numbers except for those in my contacts list from calling me.

Gone from having two or three marketing calls a day to 0.
Bliss.

doodle that is a good one - will have to try it!

I've been receiving the car accident ones recently and I just end up hanging up - at one point on one of them I thought I must be talking to some kind of computer programme as she just kept on saying the same thing again and again and just ignoring what I was saying!!

I had one asking if I had life insurance. Yes thanks, I do. And if I'd ever used it.