"ADHD is naughty boy syndrome"

[highten]

My DD has suspected ADHD. I'm fed up with my mum/dad and my MIL/FIL, describing it as 'naughty boy syndrome'. My DD isn't exactly 'naughty'. Is this type of assumption going to continue throughout her whole life?

Iamthegreatest DH and I both have ADHD. I am more inattentive type and have never been medicated - late diagnosis about four years ago - and DH was a more typical 'naughty boy' - was on ritalin as a child but hasn't been since refusing to take it aged 14. He toys with going back on but doesn't feel he needa it atm. He's a police officer and I'm at medical school having originally done an arts degree and then, err, impulsively changing my mind .

DH says the police suits him as it's so varied - essentially he doesn't have time to get bored - and stuff he likes less like paperwork is balanced by the knowledge that he'll be doing something else very soon. And he's actually found that now he's found his niche he's more able to do even academic stuff. He left school with crap A levels and dropped out of uni twice, but recently got a very high mark in his sergeants' exam. Being bubbly and friendly but also able to react extremely quickly and make lightening decisions is a huge advantage.

I'm hoping once I'm qualified I'll get on well with medicine for similar reasons - varied interesting role, lots of human interaction but also quite bounded by rules and set ways of doing things.

Being diagnosed though explained so much for me about why I've always struggled so much with just managing on a day to day basis. I don't think a week went by at school when I didn't forget to hand something in/ take something home/ shower and the entire refrain to my childhood was my DM despairing wailing 'Why don't you just rememmmmberrrr?!'

I don't think different social structures would make me anymore of a "functioning" person

I'd agree with that.

12 years ago I ".quirkyfied" my working world by becoming 100% freelance, rather than "self employed because as employers this way costs us less, but we still expect you to work under the constraints of employment".

It was accidental, in the sense that I didn't know I had ADHD. But also on purpose because the area where I fall down (hard) in my field is admin. By being freelance I can limit admin to the strictly necessary only, collecting and collating info in systems designed by me, for me.

None of that helps with my ability to not notice my son, or husband, are talking to me and wanting to know when the latest hyper focus will end so I recognise they actually exist again. Plus it freaks them out when I go 48 hours without eating and have to be prodded to go to the loo instead of bouncing with discomfort on the sofa.

Knowing I have ADHD has helped nutralise resentments at home. But there is no way I can, or should expect, the rest of the universe to rewrite social rules of engagement to suit my ADHD. THE ADHD is just going to have to get with the programme and that means I have to learn (and actually apply consistently) stratagies that keep its excesses under control, Which is hard work, but I reckon it should easier over time. Hopefully.

The hard part for me, the only time my face leaks, is recognising the genetic factor and realising I got this via my estranged mother. Knowing what we both have in common helps in one level. I understand the impulsive element that ultimatly destroyed my trust in her. But it does nothing to change the fact that I can do nothing, say nothing, to stop her condition making a relationship between us untenable.

The Internet told me that my other parent was dead. ADHD is ultimatly going to be responsible for making sure that I find out third hand when the other one dies too. Because my sister is at the end of her tether with our mother at this point, a decade and a half after I ran for the hills. And sis is the last child left with contact.

No fiddling with social structures can change that. And it really sucks because although I owe my diagnosis to the shock of finding out my father
was dead from Internet randoms discussing it some months after the event .... it has turned out to be one of the more devastating events of my life so far. I am stuck in denial and just can't seem to get on with a more organised kind of proper grief. I am not looking forward to round 2 with mum. But for the life of me cannot work out a cunning plan that will both keep me safe in the now AND avoid a repeat performance of me falling apart at the seams.

Less so for me, I am on the mild to moderate end of the spectrum. But for my mum, ADHD is the most likely main contributory factor for events, behavoirs and choices which have taken everything from her. And I didn't even know till I was nearly 50 when I got my own diagnosis and suddenly went "oh, wait... hang on a minute, Mum being mum suddenly makes a lot more sense". It's not all ADHD,mall by itself. It's more a particularly toxic mix of ADHD, her personality and any co-morbid conditions she might have. But all the same, no fiddling with social structures would allow even an adult child to cope with some of the stuff she's impulsively said and done.

Cesare and Fitty thanks for answering all our questions. You're contributions are helping to fill in the gaps here and there for those of us who do not have ADHD but are parenting a DC with it and just with better understanding the condition and raising awareness.

I was particularly keen to hear about professional careers of people with ADHD, so it's nice to hear someone is a police officer and someone studying a Medicine! Wouldn't have thought this possible.

I was particularly keen to hear about professional careers of people with ADHD, so it's nice to hear someone is a police officer and someone studying a Medicine! Wouldn't have thought this possible.

I know people with ADHD who have PhD's and others who failed out of school. It's really about what you have available to you to help you cope, as well as the severity of co-morbid conditions.

With the exception of maths, I did great in school, especially if were doing something that peaked my interest and I could hyper-focus on.

I've never been could at managing people, but I can work independently very well (too well).

Support makes all the difference, and I've no doubt your DS has that in spades.

I was particularly keen to hear about professional careers of people with ADHD, so it's nice to hear someone is a police officer and someone studying a Medicine! Wouldn't have thought this possible.

If you look at my school reports from first day to last, what stands out is the constant lament of "could do better", "not fulfilling potential", "Christ on a bike why is she so fecking disorganised !!" (

Yes yes completely agree with Thefitfatty about hyper-focusing. Once you find 'the thing' (or the first of 999 things!) that does it for you, hyper-focusing just happens and is basically a super-power, albeit an exceptionally irritating one for someone trying get your attention.

And yy to the difference support makes as well. DH and I had totally different approaches from our parents - he was very much labelled 'a problem', written off and constantly told that he would never amount to anything. MIL is still perpetually surprised when he does anything from remembering to feed DS to paying in a cheque. On the other hand, even though I didn't have a diagnosis, I was obviously 'weird' as a child and my parents had to cope with that. I think they automatically took a balanced approach as mentioned further upthread of forcing/ training/ finding coping methods for the non-negotiable stuff like remembering to wash or remembering to look while crossing the road, but for stuff that is more 'quirks' than essential for life always just told me it was absolutely fine to be individual and not always operate 'normally', and focused on developing the stuff I was good at. I'm pretty sure it's totally this difference that meant I ended up with a first from Oxbridge and DH ended up without any proper qualifications, though I would say we are basically very similar people with similar intelligence levels. Qualifications obviously aren't everything though and at the end of the day he has ended up finding a good job and being very happy too.

on a plane emigrating to Asia having put a whole seven minutes of thought into the decision.

Me too! Actually turned down a decent job to do it. With all of three seconds thought.

While I loved South Korea, it was one of the worst years of my life!

I think much of this problem stems from the minority of parents who do have very badly behaved children and are too lazy to enforce any behavourial standards and just throw around 'I think he has ADHD' as an excuse for their shite parenting.

It portrays genuine children with ADHD, ADD, SPD etc badly.

While I loved South Korea, it was one of the worst years of my life!

Snap for Thailand.

I then doubled down, stuck a pin in a map and came to Italy, on a bus, one way ticket, in August when the entire country was basically shut, with not nearly enough money.

Thankfully, despite all odds being against me, Italy has worked out really well. 20 years on I am in a place, personally and professionally, that nobody would have thought possible when I pootled off with a bag .... and absolutely No Plan.

I'm really grateful to a lot of people, who must have found me really annoying and incomprehensible, that have stepped in over the years and gently steered me away from the fall out of some of my less well considered snap choices.

The world can be a cruel and lonely place. However as I've bumbled through it in a messy, disorganised, impulsive and distracted manner I have encountered far more humans who have gone out of their way to poke me back on a non harmful path, than I have those who just sat back and let me fall flat on my face so they could better enjoy sitting in judgement.

Which is good. Looking back since my diagnosis, through a lens of how people reacted to my (unknown about) ADHD, has done a lot to restore my faith in humanity.

Some people are shits. But far far far more haven't been even a little bit shitty at all IME.

I did have a point. But no longer remember what it was

/end ramble

hyper-focusing just happens and is basically a super-power, albeit an exceptionally irritating one for someone trying get your attention

^^ That !

I am really really struggling with getting the hyper focus under control. Cos it makes me feel like Wonder Woman. Which is so much nicer than the Big Fat Failure I usually feel like.

But hyper focus is DH & DS's chief complaint. And in September the psych wants to hear about my progress with a view to revisiting the question of meds.

I think I am going to fail my summer assignment.

It's like being back at school. But with meds instead of detention looming over my head.

Hyperfocusing is a gift and a curse. I managed to harness it for academia which I was weird enough to enjoy. I can harness it in my working life so long as I'm working at something that interests me.

However I can't do long business meetings without my brain landing on something and then focussing on that solely to the detriment of the rest of the meeting. I rarely go to the cinema without wanting to scratch my eyeballs out as sitting still and concentrating on one thing is hard as hell and it's rare I find a movie that can capture me fully.

And god knows about social stuff. I'm buggered if I understand any of that

Drowning yourself in drugs or booze is not an inevitable consequence of ADHD, nor is blowing huge amountsamounts of money. Attention can be trained and values can be followed. It is harder but it is not undoable by any vague stretch of the imagination.

It is not our fault but it is our responsibility.

I've been doing hardcore mindfulness training and committing strongly to repeatedly learning how to organise my environment for about five years and while I still do have issues when in hyperfocus my house is clean, my bills are paid on time more often than not and my kids are fed, I also for the first time in my life have managed to submit things to a deadline and not spend an hour or more every day looking for random shit.

I am a Speech Therapist and there is an example of how social structures impact. I really can't manage the documentation requirements of a public community job.. However with a little bit of wiggle room and a reduced caseload and support from a regular SLT clinical support worker, I did just fine. Administrative support and occupational and/or behavioural therapy will resolve most issues for the majority.

As a Speechie my professional experience is that 9/10 times a more accepting and engaging environment markedly improves a person's function and reduces disability. It is very hard to get commitment on from others though.

iPost I would up in the Middle East, and ditto, ten years on its been working great. :)

Hyperfocusing is a gift and a curse. I managed to harness it for academia which I was weird enough to enjoy. I can harness it in my working life so long as I'm working at something that interests me.

Agree. When it's on something good, like academics or my career work, it's wonderful. When it's on Pokemon Go...not so much.

Personally I find the more I have on my plate the better I function, because I'm busy and can leap from task to task. Times like right now, when work is really really slow, I get bored and that's when things get dangerous.

Drowning yourself in drugs or booze is not an inevitable consequence of ADHD, nor is blowing huge amountsamounts of money. Attention can be trained and values can be followed. It is harder but it is not undoable by any vague stretch of the imagination.

Sure, if you catch the problem in the first place. I wasn't diagnosed till I was 35.

BTW, did the OP ever come back? Or did we turn a possible attempt to start a bun-fight into a great chat about ADHD?

When it's on Pokemon Go...not so much.
Hahahaha totally. You should see my colouring pen collection. Still not complete as I can't get the lighter shades that easily which means I can't get the colouring perfect

Personally I find the more I have on my plate the better I function, because I'm busy and can leap from task to task. Times like right now, when work is really really slow, I get bored and that's when things get dangerous.
This is me too. I've always functioned better when under time and resource pressure. Anything that allows me to breathe or think and God knows where I'll end up.

I wasn't diagnosed until my 30's either at which point OCD was a far greater concern to me.

I think there is a lot of focus in our current culture on the pathology of different thinking styles. I had to repeat a year in college and I struggled at work at various points ac well as developing OCD. However my general view now is struggle is more normal in human lives than not and it just comes in different packages. How it plays out is half chance. One person with ADHD ends up an academic. Another with limited qualifications..

And they may well have had identical developmental profiles as kids but one probably has met with more kindness and also a sprinkling of luck.

And the comorbid conditions thing is really underestimated. When I hwar of people with severe language disorder or brain injury being diagnosed with ADHD my heart sinks a little because these, especially language disorder, are so often made invisible and all manner of things become attributed to ADHD that have nothing at all to do with that diagnosis in ways that further block people's access to the right supports.

I think there is a lot of focus in our current culture on the pathology of different thinking styles

I think their definitely is. And that's a good thing. Actually having a route to turn to other than suffering through my issues is wonderful.

I've read that certain doctors think their might be a link between ADHD and hunter/gatherer societies, i.e. that the most successful hunters/gatherers had ADHD. Which may be where the issue stems from. But we're a long way from that type of society and I doubt we will return to it. So my "gift" isn't so great anymore.

As for depression...I can't see that ever being a good thing...

This thread has really opened my eyes. My DP has suspected it for a while but having read some of the posts and the great article posted upthread about Common ADHD Symptoms In Women, it's like there's an explanation for all of my childhood and my adult life so far.

I've never been called naughty, but always inattentive/flighty/unreliable/many variants of the above. There are one or two things I can totally completely focus on and excel at, and when I do, DP could be sitting right next to me saying my name again and again, and I wouldn't notice. Does that sound like hyperfocusing?

Low tolerance for stress, very low tolerance for criticism, feeling a lot of shame and unfulfilled potential and constantly needing to be up and about - I can't "do" sitting down, I have to sit on my hands when I see appointments at work because otherwise I'd be walking around or at the very least, tapping/fidgeting. It's been this way for as long as I can remember. Tiny tiny decisions get blown up massively when I can't make a decision (which is often), I talk without thinking, I overtalk constantly.

Would it be worth trying to get a diagnosis? Does it sound like it's possible I do have ADHD, and if so, how would I go about talking to someone about it?

Would it be worth trying to get a diagnosis? Does it sound like it's possible I do have ADHD, and if so, how would I go about talking to someone about it?

Certainly couldn't hurt. I think you'd probably start with your GP? (Perhaps someone actually diagnosed in the UK can help).

Here's another great article, this was one of the first things I read after my counselor suggested I might have it:

qz.com/592364/decades-of-failing-to-recognize-adhd-in-girls-has-created-a-lost-generation-of-women/

But as people said upthread in many cases viewing ADHD as a pathological condition leads to negative assumptions of someone's potential, unkind comments and poor practices in schools. In my personal and professional experience, the "diagnosis" of ADHD very often doesn't bring about any changes to support available.

I personally favour looking at all as individuals and functionally analysing contexts that are unworkable to make effective changes. If that means medication for you and mindfulness for me, that's cool if it meets our individual needs. If a report which says you have ADHD gets you additional supports at school or work, that's also cool. If it becomes a brush to tar all your behaviour as disordered and leads to people around you seeing you in ways that don't help you, that's really unhelpful.

Adult diagnosis is different to child diagnosis in this way, because it is more likely to support a coherence about how your life history has proceeded and adults have more control over their environments to make choices to move away from coercive or limiting environments and seek support for their individial presentation. With kids enabling a less shaming and more supportive, kind, skills focused environment that recognises and celebrates strengths more than difficulties is critical. Kids need to be protected from learning only x or y isis possible because of their "disorder".

Can we ask for the thread to move so it doesn't end up deleted ?

I'm kind of loath to lose you lot now I've discovered you exist.

We could have an ongoing supporty/chatty thread that can be dipped in and out of as needed or desired.

negative assumptions of someone's potential

Yes, but I think that's changing. There's a lot less stigma and more help available than there was years ago. And I don't think anyone views my ADHD negatively or treats me differently for it (sometimes I wish they would!).

I do agree, it needs to be on an individual basis, especially since ADHD, like ASD, is a wide spectrum and what works for me, may not work for you.

I tried to start one about adult ADHD ages ago in the Mental Health section. I can see if I can find it?