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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it REALLY normal for committed men to check out other women?

33 replies

Silvermockingbird · 09/07/2016 02:02

Just that really. I hate Facebook, if OH is flicking through suggested friends and sees a good looking woman, he'll click and look through a few of her photos. He does this all the time. Never adds them or anything just has a look. Nevertheless this does hurt me a lot- as I'm very self conscious about the way I look at the moment, people who I've asked usually tell me the whole" all men look, it's natural" ..I don't check out other men. I only really have an interest for him. I know he is still very much Inlove with me and shows me so much affection- maybe I am over reacting to this because the negative feelings I have on my own appearance.. Opinions?

OP posts:
AppleMagic · 09/07/2016 02:12

He's actively checking other people out because he finds them sexually attractive? I think it's disrespectful and I wouldn't be impressed at all if dh did this.
Ive never noticed DH or any other of my previous boyfriends ogling other women so don't believe it's all men.

trafalgargal · 09/07/2016 02:59

They are committed not dead so to notice a woman is attractive in fine .......to start nosing through their profile isn't.

mummyto2monkeys · 09/07/2016 03:18

I totally agree with trafalgargal! Noticing attractive people when out is completely different from actively seeking out images of other woman. If he is doing this in front of you, I would wonder what he is doing when not with you.

Original poster
Silvermockingbird · 09/07/2016 03:26

That's what I thought, he doesn't do it I front of me- I've checked his phone history (I shouldn't but have bad trust issues as every relationship I've ever had has ended with finding out they cheated) I've never found anything else he never speaks to other women and we're together most of the time by his choice.. I'm pregnant with our first baby (I have son from previous) and it was oh's idea for this baby in the first place.. I just really worry because he's doing this is he wanting to be with other people or what

OP posts:
Original poster
Silvermockingbird · 09/07/2016 03:27

And to add one of my friends suggested it's the same as buying a (what I call seedy) magazine or looking at page 3 girls in the paper.. But to me it's not the same!

OP posts:
AppleMagic · 09/07/2016 03:32

I think your "friend" has very low expectations of men and is best ignored.

WickedLazy · 09/07/2016 03:33

I do this too sometimes. With me it's generally just being nosey. A glimpse into somebodies life. If it was the same person time and time again I would maybe worry (unless it's a celeb) or if he was looking at soley female profiles. If he's doing it in secret it could be for titilation.

Highway61 · 09/07/2016 04:47

Sorry, that's creepy! All men do not do this!

TooGood2BeFalse · 09/07/2016 04:58

I thought you were going to say he would have a quick glance as you were out and about - in which case, I would say YES it''s normal (if briefly and not leering) and women look at attractive men too.

But looking through their pics in your presence is taking it a bit far. Have you tried talking to him and explaining that it makes you uncomfortable?

Also Flowers and congrats on your pregnancy

Me624 · 09/07/2016 05:20

I look through random people's fb photos all the time - men and women, old school mates, exes even to see what they look like now! It's just having a nose isn't if?

I personally think it's also perfectly normal and harmless to check out other people when in a relationship. We have a very good looking neighbour who is always out mowing the lawn with no shirt on, me and all the other women in the street have a bit of an ogle, he's gorgeous! Doesn't mean I want to cheat on DH with him ...

HopeArden · 09/07/2016 05:28

I think lots of men do look at other women. Once upon a time I would have said no but now I realise that I had just never noticed it before because men in committed relationships are more discreet than men who are not.

Jenesaberpas · 09/07/2016 05:35

It's relatively normal yes, not all men look but many do, it doesn't mean they have feelings for the woman, they just think they're attractive and don't think about it beyond that.

The much bigger issue is you spying on your partner ...

Squeegle · 09/07/2016 05:53

What is his behaviour like normally? Do you get on well? Does he give you any reason to think he's not happy? I wouldn't worry about this, he's not doing in front of you, it's fairly harmless. But your insecurity is a bit of a worry if it really is based on your past experience and nothing else. Is there anything else he does that makes you feel insecure? If not then it's tome for you to try and work on this a bit.

trafalgargal · 09/07/2016 08:31

How do you know they are random women and not people he knew or went to school with or used to work with etc?

TheRealAdaLovelace · 09/07/2016 08:36

of course men look at women...but going thro people's profiles is a bit creepy. Mind you so is you spying on him.

branofthemist · 09/07/2016 08:58

I notice and probably stare at attractive men.

I also have a nosey through people Facebook if they come up on my suggested friend list.

A few things jumped out at me here.

He doesn't know you check his phone. So you don't know the reason for him looking (although you could be right), why haven't you discussed this?

Going through his phone because other people have cheated, isn't really ok. Unless he is aware and OK with it. In which case he isn't hiding the fact that he is doing it. Which suggests he doesn't think he is doing anything wrong or know that it upsets you.

I do think looking through people's profiles just to have a perverse is off. But do you know for a fact this is what he is doing.

BeyondVulvaResistance · 09/07/2016 09:07

Noticing someone in the street is fine, being nosey through Fb profiles is fine.

Perving through someone's profile crosses a line imo

Quimby · 09/07/2016 09:25

"But looking through their pics in your presence is taking it a bit far."

Except he isn't.
Can't see that he's done anything wrong here.

Spying on him on the other hand is completely out of order.

TheNaze73 · 09/07/2016 09:40

YABU, you're spying on him

mmmuffins · 09/07/2016 10:00

YABU. I do this, and I am very committed to my husband. I notice good-looking men when I'm out, I look through good-looking peoples' Facebook profiles. I dont see any reason I can't appreciate handsome men anymore!

Heratnumber7 · 09/07/2016 10:06

Do none of you ever check out an attractive man? In real life, on FB, or elsewhere.
Unless you can honestly say you've never taken a second glance at Poldark's chest, or the hunky dad at the school gate, you're all being hypercritical.

WaffleOverload · 09/07/2016 10:18

So, he's doing this away from you? Having a quick flick through and it's your who's spying on him?

I may not absolutely love this myself but with your history of trust issues, him not ogling women in front of you but merely having a FB photo nose, and you actively seeking this out ... I'm failing to see what he's done wrong here.

I'm very happily married and love and fancy my husband. Do I have a flick through FB pics of ex partners sometimes or whoever may catch my eye? Err it's been known.

Unless there is some back story here about how he cheated on you etc then YABU

branofthemist · 09/07/2016 10:24

Unless you can honestly say you've never taken a second glance at Poldark's chest, or the hunky dad at the school gate, you're all being hypercritical.

all? Even those of us that say we do?

CreativeUsername · 09/07/2016 10:26

Well considering humans are animals and animals weren't designed to be committed to someone but to reproduce with as many others as possible. Yes it's very normal

BillyBlueCack · 09/07/2016 10:29

It's normal in some circumstances, but totally cuntish in others.

For example, I was watching soon-to-be-husband help our son fix our bike outside yesterday, they couldn't see I was watching, I was loving the father-son bonding loveliness.
A very tonnes woman walked past in her gym getup (we live next door to a gym) and he had an ogle when she was past far enough for her not to notice.
That was funny.

But to do it blatantly when we are out as a family for me and ogled woman to see would be cuntish.

To flick through Facebook photos and at all is out of order. The fact that he doesn't care that you know is a fucking insult.