Really disappointed in DS's Yr 6 teacher...

[usernamesarenotimportant]

I'm probably going to get a lot of YABU but that's ok. I just want to rant a bit.

It is DS's Birthday so he brought in some sweets like all the kids do. However there is a child who has been really nasty to DS throughout the whole year (violently). To the point that DS had to be educated at home for a month. It's all a very long story. He absolutely didn't want to give this boy a sweet. I assumed he wouldn't have to? His teacher said he wouldn't be allowed to give his sweets out if he wasn't going to give to all the children. My DS said that he wouldn't give the sweets out. I thought that was fair enough. But then his teacher seemed to pester him about how that wasn't really fair as the class had got excited about getting sweets and he had taken that away from them. DS said he would give them the sweets outside of the school gates so she confiscated them and said he won't be and that "considering the year he has had, she is surprised by the way he is deciding to treat somebody" no. no. no. no! that's really unreasonable in my opinion, this isn't some poor little boy who my DS is deciding to exclude, this is the child that violently attacked my son many times throughout the year and couldn't give a shit about it as he kept doing it repeatedly. She also wouldn't let him hand out his part invites in her classroom as he was the only boy not invited... But also wouldn't give him the invites back (they have to give them to the teacher at the start of the day). I'm just absolutely appalled. Is it me, or is this not exactly fair?

The teacher should have said 'I understand why you don't want to give him a sweet because of how he treated you before. But the rules are sweet for everyone or no one. If you feel you don't want him to have one, take the sweets back.' And then end of discussion. Then he wouldn't have needed to say he'd hand them out at the back gate.

But the teacher was in a difficult position and had to think on the spot. They're human. Explain this to your ds. It would have been impossible for the teacher to allow the child to be excluded. Surely you can see that she was in a tricky position?

and what billsykes said

I agree that the teacher could do nothing else tha saying all the children held have the sweets.

However, after that, she lost all her neutral stance when she
1- kept the sweets because she knew the OP's ds wanted to give them to only some children OUTSIDE the school. These weeks weren't hers to keep and she has no control on waht is going on outside the school
2- insisted the OP's ds still gave th sweets out when eh has decided not to. She also used guilt to do that 'think about hoe disappointed they will be'
3- refused to hand invites out. WTF? This is somethng that is happening on a regular basis in lower years and teachers know how to handle that sensitively. She could have done the same but by insisting she wouldn't give the invites, she made a point that wasn't hers to make.

As for expecting the OP's ds so 'forget and forgive'... Really? I mean REALLY?
This child ended up IN HOSPITAL 3 TIMES.
So you wild dsay to a woman who has been hit by her DH that she should 'forget and forgive'? That she should be nice and kind to him because she should be the better person? That she should be happy to give him things etc...
No. You would tell her to avoid the bastard. That he is a dangerous man and the best she can do is to ignore him completely. Your wouldn't expect her to invite him to her house because it happens she has invited people from the same social group.
In the UK, the legal age for criminal responsibility is 10yo. This is a child who assaulted the OP's ds and is over the criminal age. He should have known much better than that. And the OP's ds is very WISE not to invite him and to protect himself. Just as you would expect from any other situation where someone is assaulted and the perpetrator is NOT a child anymore (Or at least under the eyes of the law).

Yes you can say there was another way to handle it. Maybe not having any sweets to give out at all.
But all the rest lies very squarely on the shoulder of the teacher and she handled that very badly (by not being NEUTRAL as she should have been).

I can't believe that some posters are saying that this the child who has been assaulted that is somehow at fault for not forgiving and not treating the bully the same way that all thee others As if you would treat the person who has attached you in the street/mugged you or whatever the same way.
Has anyone seen any unicorns recently?

Teacher perspective - OP you have absolutely NO idea what else could be going on with that boy. There may well be plans in place for him to build his confidence/self esteem - after all, happy kids don't just bully. He could be looked after, going through hell at home. That's not exactly a great way to built bridges either. I would have done exactly as that teacher did and no, the sweets would not have been returned so he could just exclude the boy at the school gate.

I can't help but feel that the OP wanted her Ds to exclude the other boy from the sweets/party invite.

Well, take a bow, Navy/Sherlock. What a stunning piece of deduction. Would you want a child who had repeatedly put yours in hospital to be invited to his party?

Billy in that case, I'm sorry but there is HUGE problem with the school and their ability to protect all the children.

And IF the issue was the safety of the OP's ds then, it would have been very easy for her to explain that to him.

No need for keeping all thr sweets and refusing to give them back. No need for refusing to hand the invites out and to keep them.
I'm sure the OP's ds would have understood that.

But she didn't. She took sides and she took the side of the bully and did all was possible to make the OP's ds feel bad about it.

And that's of course wo going into the 'buy some stamps' advice. You know that schools don't give postal addresses right? You can't even have a list of the children in the class!
And you also know that not everyone is on FB or has all the parents children as friends too?

If that child is SO dangerous as to kick off at the school gate and hurt the OP's ds then. TBH it should have been dealt by the Police a long time ago
www.gov.uk/age-of-criminal-responsibility

Yorkie by doing that, waht are you teaching the victim exactely? The one that ended up in hospital and had to be home educated for a month?

Building self esteem and confidence is good. Stamping on the victim and expected to do all the running around and just shut up and put up isn't.

How did the teacher take the side of the bully?

"the sweets would not have been returned so he could just exclude the boy at the school gate."

I think that that's a good point as well.

Although what goes on outside of school is surely no concern of the teachers?

diddl if I felt something would kick off at the school gates, I would take action to try and prevent it.

I'd try and get the sweets back to the parent. But I always have a million things to do at the end of the day. But if the parent approached me, I'd definitely explain and return items.

Seems fair to me, you can't seriously expect her to help him exclude one child and if DS is refusing to play by the rules then he should have the things confiscated.
Furthermore, is anyone reading this thread and getting an odd feeling about it? Not sure if it's a troll but something doesn't feel right about it.

It's these sort of crazy expectations from parents that made me leave class teaching. Not only do teachers have to manage pupil behaviour, it seems that we have to deal with parents as well!

I think that however the teacher had handled this situation, someone would have been upset/angry.

This thread just totally highlights what the hell is wrong with MN at times - totally misreading the OP and minimising the effects off bullying on her son..... you cannot compare not being given a sweet being the same as the OP DS treatment at the hands of the bully!

Yep. This thread is pretty shocking.

But this...

Does it occur to you that your child's intransigent attitude may have something to do with the treatment he has received this year? Things don't happen in isolation.

Is disgusting. My teen son was bullied at college. He did nothing to deserve it and the reason he was bullied is because he is tiny and under developed for his age. You should be ashamed of yourself for typing that out.

OP I am sorry for what your son has been through YANBU, but unlike some I managed to read your posts and understand what you are really upset about and you are not being unreasonable about that at all.

Was everything given back at the end of the school day?

If I had a child who was hospitalized three times (and to be honest, once would have been enough) by another child, they wouldn't be back in the school.

This bullying boy is clearly out of control, and the school cannot protect your son, what more is there to know other than you can't send your child there.

In this situation, doing things to provoke the situation (which giving out invites and sweets excluding the one hyper-aggressive child the school can't control) clearly is, is a daft thing to do, even if morally you should have the right to do it.

If you had an aggressive neighbour, you could make a remark to them as you passed or you could keep your head down. Yes, you can call the police when they hit you, but wouldn't it be better to avoid provoking an irrational violent person who isn't in control?

This situation is way beyond sweets and invites to parties, and I would not let my child re-enter the school, end of! I have never actually heard of a bullying situation so bad a child had to go to hospital three times though, as this is a level of violence beyond what it even in most secondary school, and I would have called the police and removed my child for their own safety.

YANBU, but unlike some I managed to read your posts and understand what you are really upset about and you are not being unreasonable about that at all.

I have been where the op has been. I read the thread and still think she is being unreasonable.

Am I reading right? Y6?

Why isn't your son just handing out invites?

Given the punch ups which can happen at school gates I back the teacher here but would hope she would explain to you at home time.

Teaching really is a thankless task though and I doubt she has time for unnecessary drama when she has a million and one other things to do.

YABU

I don't see why teachers are involved anyway, haven't they enough to do.
When mine were at primary either parent did it when they were too small to manage themselves or they did it at end of day when they were older.
the teacher was never involved and usually sorting out parents collecting children.
Who is sorting out after school stuff if teachers are doing invitations and sweets.
If at the end of day then why are teachers taking up valuable teaching time doing this?
No wonder kids can't read and write.

On a seperate note there is a parent I know who takes to social media and hospitals for every little push or bruise her son gets. He must have been three times this year already. She rants about teachers and schools. Trouble is I know her son well. He is active, loud, funny and physical...he is more than able to get himself into scrapes and defend himself. Doesn't stop her screaming to all and sundry when it goes wrong.

Bullying is horrible and if my child had been through what the OP's son had then I would have pulled him out by now. It could be that she is like the Mum above though.

The teacher is in the right.