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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Really disappointed in DS's Yr 6 teacher...

281 replies

usernamesarenotimportant · 08/07/2016 23:57

I'm probably going to get a lot of YABU but that's ok. I just want to rant a bit.

It is DS's Birthday so he brought in some sweets like all the kids do. However there is a child who has been really nasty to DS throughout the whole year (violently). To the point that DS had to be educated at home for a month. It's all a very long story. He absolutely didn't want to give this boy a sweet. I assumed he wouldn't have to? His teacher said he wouldn't be allowed to give his sweets out if he wasn't going to give to all the children. My DS said that he wouldn't give the sweets out. I thought that was fair enough. But then his teacher seemed to pester him about how that wasn't really fair as the class had got excited about getting sweets and he had taken that away from them. DS said he would give them the sweets outside of the school gates so she confiscated them and said he won't be and that "considering the year he has had, she is surprised by the way he is deciding to treat somebody" no. no. no. no! that's really unreasonable in my opinion, this isn't some poor little boy who my DS is deciding to exclude, this is the child that violently attacked my son many times throughout the year and couldn't give a shit about it as he kept doing it repeatedly. She also wouldn't let him hand out his part invites in her classroom as he was the only boy not invited... But also wouldn't give him the invites back (they have to give them to the teacher at the start of the day). I'm just absolutely appalled. Is it me, or is this not exactly fair?

OP posts:
Droflum · 09/07/2016 08:10

My dos once came home from school devastated not to be invited to a party. The boy had invited 8 close friends and tbf my ds hardly mentioned him so clearly they were not good friends at all. But most boys in thee class had been invited so he was really upset. He was younger though granted. I work in a school and have also seen a whole class invited except one child and this was due to differences between the parents. Again, the child was devastated, it was all done verbally - teachers not involved. But I went to the parent of this child who's dad just said to his child 'you know we wouldn't go there' regardless he was hurt and upset by the action. Despite history with the child, the school can't get involved in this kind of treatment so I agree with the teacher. Maybe she encouraged rather than !pestered' for the good of the class? Maybe she meant to return the sweets/invites but forgot. I would just ask for them back at the end of a day and see what she says, they are ultimately yours.

NavyandWhite · 09/07/2016 08:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

youarenotkiddingme · 09/07/2016 08:17

Read the OP people.

The boy violently attacked her DS to the Point he had to be at home.

He said he'd hand stuff out after school to follow teachers rules - teacher refused to return the boys property.

It's attitudes like this that have my DS, same age, educated off site (at home) and facing a managed move to another school. Because a child held a knife at him and everyone decided him being scared didn't need supporting.

CPtart · 09/07/2016 08:20

Isn't he a bit old now for giving out sweets? We only did that in Ks1. They'll all be at high school in a couple of months!

NavyandWhite · 09/07/2016 08:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Noonesfool · 09/07/2016 08:26

Is it possible your DS announced he would give the sweets out in a way the rest of the class heard, hence the excitement and a conversation with DS along the lines of "are you sure you don't want everyone to just have sweets, as everyone is now excited? No? Well I'll hang on to them then" I just can't see how a teacher would have time to go back and "hassle" after the event.

And as for giving them back? Obviously ideally she should have remembered, but it's super busy at end of day.

When did you find out this had happened? If at school pick up, why didn't you hang on and ask her?

I'm sorry your son was bullied, that really sucks.

PerspicaciaTick · 09/07/2016 08:30

Invites and sweets should have been returned at the end of the day. Unfortunately it really isn't up to the teacher if your DS wants to give sweets to friends off school premises, ditto invites, even if she know he will exclude a child.
But she was absolutely right not to allow him to exclude someone in class.

diddl · 09/07/2016 08:44

" He absolutely didn't want to give this boy a sweet. I assumed he wouldn't have to?"

How did you think that this would work when the teacher was involved though?

I also agree with not inviting the boy, but then as above, with the teacher involved the giving out of invitations was never going to happen.

The teacher dpes seem to have made a meal about it though. Would the whole class really be so upset about not having a sweet?

Did this all go on infront of the whole class then?

honeysucklejasmine · 09/07/2016 08:49

Wow, it is so frustrating reading this. People have totally ignored what the OP's actual issue is, blamed her son for his own bullying and suggested he should be the bigger person to someone who put him in hospital! If these children were adults the bully would have been charged with assault. It is absolutely not acceptable and I do not blame the victim for any of his feelings.

OP i went to a small school too so I know exactly what you mean, that sometimes the whole class are all friends.

The issue here is that the teacher didn't return the invites and sweets. I am a teacher and would absolutely not forget to return something as important as a pile of party invites. If I thought I might forget I would have given them back straight away and told him to put them in his back until the end of the day.

OP i really hope your son has a great party and moves on to a much better school in September.

honeysucklejasmine · 09/07/2016 08:50

Bag, not back.

NavyandWhite · 09/07/2016 08:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SalemSaberhagen · 09/07/2016 08:55

How is the child still at school if he has put him in hospital 3 times?!

needastrongone · 09/07/2016 09:01

I have never read so many posts misunderstanding the issue Smile

It's the comments and the non returning of the invites.

I would imagine, after your child has been so badly bullied that they had to be home schooled, and physically attacked frequently etc, it might make you somewhat angry and sensitive about the situation. And very difficult to teach forgiveness and kindness (I am not saying you shouldn't try). Bullying far less than this can have life changing consequences.

youarenotkiddingme · 09/07/2016 09:02

No Navy why?

Lucyccfc · 09/07/2016 09:02

You and the teacher handled this all wrong.

You should have arranged for sweets and invites to be given out off school premises and the bully could have been left out without the school having to get involved. The teacher couldn't be involved in seeing one child left out in her classroom. She should not have made constant comments to your DS nor should she have kept the sweets or invites.

We had this issue with my son. Over my dead body was the nasty little swine who had bullied my son for 12 months be invited to his birthday party. I text the other Mums and invited his friends without including the school.

Myself and another Mum have organised a special end of Y6 celebration for the boys in the class. Neither of us, not the other boys, wanted this particular child there. However, we are not the type of parents to exclude one child. We sent a note to all the boys parents and just kept our fingers crossed he wasn't coming. Luckily his Father is a complete dick and didn't even respond, so he won't be there.

dibs1973 · 09/07/2016 09:02

With regards to the comments made by the teacher, why don't you approach her and ask? Is it possible that your ds has taken the comments diffetently from the way it was intended due to being upset?

NavyandWhite · 09/07/2016 09:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

youarenotkiddingme · 09/07/2016 09:10

Just a comment for the thread Grin

Just pointing out, like others, the effects of minimising bullying and expecting the victim just to forgive and forget.

tinytemper66 · 09/07/2016 09:11

I would go and see the teacher on Monday morning. However, if you noticed by your car, you could have turned around and gone back into school for them. I am not going to comment on your sons reasons for not sharing with all, as that has been exhausted, but I cannot imagine a teacher having time to keep 'hassling' your son all day about this. I often dont have time to wee let alone worry about a child giving sweets out.

BillSykesDog · 09/07/2016 09:16

I think the teacher did exactly the right thing not giving the sweets and invitations back to DS if only from the point of view of DS's welfare.

Put it this way, teacher knows there is bad blood between the two boys. She knows this other boy is on a short fuse which can escalate quite quickly into violence so
serious hospital treatment can be required.

Given those circumstances it's clearly not safe for the teacher just to wash her hands of the situation and give the sweets and invitations back when your son has explicitly told her his intention is to stand just outside the school gate and give them out to everybody else but the bully. She might as well have sent DS out with a 'kick me' sign on his back. It's not the teachers problem how you get them distributed. But it is her responsibility to prevent situations fomenting that she knows are likely to put pupils in danger.

And be honest OP, if he had stood at the school gate excluding this child from sweeties and invitations and ended up with a good kicking as a result, you would have been straight up to school to complain that the teacher shouldn't have allowed the situation to happen. I can't see how she could win here, your son had told her what he intended to do so she couldn't responsibly give them back.

Buy some stamps and post the invites or email/Facebook parents. Give out the sweets at the party. Sorted, nobody is excluded, nobody ends up getting punched.

NavyandWhite · 09/07/2016 09:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AllPizzasGreatAndSmall · 09/07/2016 09:21

How else would a parent get the invites to all the kids? You might not catch them

The child takes them to school and gives them out to their friends themselves.
I have never known a teacher to get involved with distribution of invitations beyond reception/year 1, it is not the teacher or TA's job.

SideOrderofChip · 09/07/2016 09:21

Only on mumsnet is a violent bully the victim suddenly and that bullies victim the bad guy

NavyandWhite · 09/07/2016 09:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CodyKing · 09/07/2016 09:31

No the teacher can't single a child out.

But she could show some understanding.

Why these children don't get permanent exclusion is beyond me.

It takes a long time for bullied children to heal. I'm not sure they fully recover.

It's been 3 years and DD still bears the emotional scars.