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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how you decide....

46 replies

FoodIsMyNemesis · 05/07/2016 23:07

What takes priority if you're double booked for a weekend.

After a massive discussion tonight i want to know if IABU

Person a believes whatever goes in the diary first takes priority unless it can be easily moved without impacting anyone or its something hugely important (last time you see someone ever for example)

Person b believes if something comes up after you've committed which is deemed more important but could be a family party you should give up what you'd committed to and go to that instead even if that means really letting someone down

Who IBU?

OP posts:
Junosmum · 05/07/2016 23:12

We tend to do first come first served. But dinner with friends we see regularly could be shelved for a birthday meal for different friend/ family.

So it depends. On the whole I very rarely cancel a prior engagement.

peaceloveandtwirlywoos · 05/07/2016 23:15

I tend to do first come first served unless, like you say, it's someone I'll never see again or a medical appointment etc.

I don't like to cancel for something I'd rather do, though I have done on occasion and felt shitty about it.

Rumpelstiltskin143 · 05/07/2016 23:16

It's incredibly rude to blow someone off because a better offer comes along. Unless it's really exceptional you stick with whatever is first.

Original poster
FoodIsMyNemesis · 05/07/2016 23:17

We have a situation where it's been agreed that I agreed I'd help with something major happening this weekend for a friend, there is no one else that can

There is a family party that's appeared in the last few weeks but I've said I can't go due to prior commitments

Aibu?

OP posts:
FeelingSmurfy · 05/07/2016 23:18

Depends on the two events and whether the first event involved other people, I think unless it's something huge like your brother getting married then you shouldn't cancel plans with other people (even a party etc where it stills goes ahead if you are not there)

If its something like getting nails done, playing golf etc then I would cancel!(if appointment booked providing there was enough time and it wasn't the next day etc)

See, it's hard, has to be based on a case by case situation

DontBuyANewMumCashmere · 05/07/2016 23:20

I think person A is a bit too rigid and inflexible but that person B sounds a bit too flakey!
So B is saying if you've booked for friends to come round for BBQ but then a family party is an option, they'd just let their friends down?
Also, what if you've just provisionally put something in the calendar as a place holder, local festival or whatever, would person A really hold B to it because it was in there first?
Personally I think it has to be a bit more flexible than a hard and fast rule.
I'm swaying towards A's viewpoint though.

FeelingSmurfy · 05/07/2016 23:21

Does the thing with friend have to be that weekend?
Could you do both?
Could partner, kids(?) go without you
Why is party happening, is it a big birthday or just a random gathering
Is it second cousin twice removed or your dad type of family member

That would be what was going through my head, not necessarily in that order

SmallBee · 05/07/2016 23:22

I always put the prior commitment first, it looks really shitty to cancel because 'something better has come along '. It sends the message that whoever you made the first set of plans with isn't a priority and is the second best option.

My brothers do this and it's rude. If there are exceptional circumstances I think allowances could be made but you'd have to really make an effort to rebook and stick to the new date.

DontBuyANewMumCashmere · 05/07/2016 23:24

Sorry X post.
I think if you've offered to help someone who has no other support then you can't let them down because of a party.
I would let DH go to the party, I help my friend and join DH after.

Original poster
FoodIsMyNemesis · 06/07/2016 08:47

There is no one else and the help I committed to can't be moved.

I had forgotten and said i would go to the party but then realised later on in can't

There is no way to go to the party later I have to not go if I stick with the original commitment

OP posts:
TheNaze73 · 06/07/2016 08:50

Person A, sounds infuriatingly rigid however has a point

99GBPChargeToUseMyPostsJournos · 06/07/2016 08:53

To me it sounds like you have done the right thing in this instance.

Justbeingnosey123 · 06/07/2016 08:53

How would your other half feel if they were in the 1st engagement and left in the position of being let down? If you have committed to something you either find someone else to take over or you do it yourself I think. I guess it might make a difference if it's a particularly important job or one the event can go on without, also how important a party it is?

dizzyfucker · 06/07/2016 08:58

FoodIsMyNemesis you're not being unreasonable. You don't let a friend down for the sake of attending a party. Unless it's your own party obviously Wink in which case, hopefully they'd be there anyway.

Original poster
FoodIsMyNemesis · 06/07/2016 10:10

If it was something I could move, I would.

DP thinks its not a good enough reason and I should let them down and cancel it

OP posts:
emsyj · 06/07/2016 10:13

If you were my friend and you cancelled helping me as promised so that you could go to a party, you would be very swiftly deleted from my life. That would be a shitty thing to do. YANBU. DH and kids can still go to the party without you.

steppemum · 06/07/2016 10:17

in this case you are in the right

  • it was a prior agreement
  • cancelling would impact the other person, no one else can do it, massive let down to friend
  • cancelling in this case is seriously rude
TondelayaDellaVentamiglia · 06/07/2016 10:23

aside from the first come first served thing, the friend is relying on your help, so that adds weight to your case

I hate this "subsequet better offer" thing...it's just plain rude.

I have had a friend who did this all the time, she is just a fb friend now.

Shoxfordian · 06/07/2016 10:25

I don't think you should let your friend down as you said you'd do that first

I always do what I said I would first; it's just not fair to change plans because something else/better comes along after you've made an arrangement

Original poster
FoodIsMyNemesis · 06/07/2016 10:31

No, that is how I feel. If they could arrange something else then I would push them to do so but I know they cannot. What it is I have agreed to isn't deemed important enough I don't think

Its a family party, DPs family are a very close group so it will be seen as very bad form as I had said I would be there and they won't understand the reason either

OP posts:
Whathaveilost · 06/07/2016 11:05

Case by case decision.

For example, if a night with mates has been planned for ages and a big comes up of someone I adore the gig will win. My mates do the same.

If it is a big one off event and parents evening, the event wins and DH goes
If it's one group of friends asking me out and then a seperate group of friends ask me, first group wins.

Original poster
FoodIsMyNemesis · 06/07/2016 11:13

I would give more details but I'm not sure if any of DP's family are on here and it is quite identifying

Its something my family would understand but his wouldn't therefore he doesn't

OP posts:
whois · 06/07/2016 13:37

It's incredibly rude to blow someone off because a better offer comes along. Unless it's really exceptional you stick with whatever is first.

This with bells on!!!!

Oh, you got a better offer? Well FUCK you then is my thinking. Unless its a truely exceptional thing, not just a family bloody party where they should have checked with you first anyway.

whois · 06/07/2016 13:39

You defo have to help your friend here. It was agreed first, and is more important than a family party. DH can go to party. You help friend.

branofthemist · 06/07/2016 14:09

There is no strict right or wrong, when it comes to this. Each situation has to be looked at individually.

I am 'blowing' off lunch with friends next week. Because my grandfather died and his funeral is the same day. Usually I go with 'first come first served'. But not in this case.

But in this I think you are right.

But he can still go to the party. So I don't see the issue at all.