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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how you decide....

46 replies

FoodIsMyNemesis · 05/07/2016 23:07

What takes priority if you're double booked for a weekend.

After a massive discussion tonight i want to know if IABU

Person a believes whatever goes in the diary first takes priority unless it can be easily moved without impacting anyone or its something hugely important (last time you see someone ever for example)

Person b believes if something comes up after you've committed which is deemed more important but could be a family party you should give up what you'd committed to and go to that instead even if that means really letting someone down

Who IBU?

OP posts:
FinallyHere · 06/07/2016 14:12

Think you should stick with your promise to your friend, but make sure you don't double book yourself again. It not fair to agree and only then remember you already promised someone else. Flaky.

Original poster
FoodIsMyNemesis · 06/07/2016 14:15

Yeah it was my mistake completely that I double booked. I did say all along that that date was ringing a bell but I wasn't sure why.

Its been seen that I am choosing my friend over DP

OP posts:
dizzyfucker · 06/07/2016 14:38

Sounds like he's being immature about it. Ask him if he/his family think you would be a nice person if you don't let a friend down? He should be proud of you that you are willing to put your own life aside to help someone else. You have a kind heart. It's not about choosing someone else over him. He needs to get a grip.

Actually I worry about the wording of that. Is he usually so controlling over your life? My DH would be very upset if I missed a family occasion because his culture is very family orientated. But unless it was a wedding or a funeral they would need to lump it because I don't let people down. Upset is fine but forcing me to go or saying something manipulative like "I am choosing X over him" would be a BIG issue for me.

Original poster
FoodIsMyNemesis · 06/07/2016 15:36

Sod it, might as well put the details....

I agreed to look after a friends dog for the weekend, months ago it was agreed but I'd forgotten. They're also the people I would ask to look after mine if we were away and have helped me out loads including at short notice. They have no one else, I would also need to leave my dog with them in order to go to the party. We cannot take the dogs with us as they wouldn't be well received.

The party is a milestone birthday party but it was organised at short notice (under a month ago)

OP posts:
ChicRock · 06/07/2016 15:40

I wouldn't be impressed if a family member couldn't come to a milestone birthday party because they were babysitting a dog.

DotForShort · 06/07/2016 15:42

Why can't you leave the dogs at your house while you attend the party? Is the party being held very far away, necessitating an overnight stay or something along those lines?

Original poster
FoodIsMyNemesis · 06/07/2016 15:45

Its a 6 and a half hour drive away, we can't take them and we can't leave them

OP posts:
Whathaveilost · 06/07/2016 15:53

There's got to be a solution to this that keeps everyone happy!!

If you are going 6.5hrs away presumably you will be stopping over somewhere. Could you stop at a dog friendly B and B?

I wouldn't be happy if I had a long standing agreement with a friend that I was counting on and they pulled out.

Original poster
FoodIsMyNemesis · 06/07/2016 15:57

I've been trying to think of one, honestly!

We'd have to leave the dogs unattended whilst at the party as they cannot come to it which wouldn't work at a B&B

If it were my family there would be no issue, dogs would come and the party would have been dog friendly or they'd have been left at my house

I am not willing to let the person down as I agreed to do this long before this party was agreed and what they are doing that weekend cannot be moved.

I also understand if you're not a "dog person" this is all a bit of a weird scenario

OP posts:
DotForShort · 06/07/2016 16:04

That makes it very tricky indeed. In your shoes I would honour the commitment to your friend but perhaps look for a compromise. If not a B&B, is there another friend or relative near the host's house where the dogs could stay during the party?

PNGirl · 06/07/2016 16:12

YANBU. I agreed about 3 months ago to look after my boss' puppy on the Sunday just gone. My in laws asked if they could come for the weekend about 3 weeks ago. I said yes but they would have to go out on their own if they wanted lunch or dinner out, or be happy to stay in and amuse themselves. They came but read/watched tennis and we ate in.

Original poster
FoodIsMyNemesis · 06/07/2016 16:13

No, not really anywhere we can leave them I don't think. Many allergies and they're high energy dogs. I will see if any suggestions come from their side.

Hate letting anyone down

OP posts:
KoalaDownUnder · 06/07/2016 16:16

I think you are totally doing the right thing.

Honestly, if they're going to invite people who live six hours away to a 'milestone birthday', they need to get organised more than a month in advance. Or suffer the consequences: which are, in this case, that you can't attend.

You can't leave a friend high and dry for pet care, after promising her you'd do it. Especially if she's going to be out of town herself. That'll be a logistical nightmare for her. Sad

Original poster
FoodIsMyNemesis · 06/07/2016 16:20

I feel like that too Koala. I admit I cocked up and shouldn't have said I can go but I'd completely forgotten.

Even if they could sort their dog out I have nothing I can do with mine anyway so that would still leave me stuck

Feeling very guilty but when I mentioned that the party was that weekend I saw my friends face drop and they panicked. I said I would work it out....

OP posts:
ineedwine99 · 06/07/2016 16:28

I'd stick with the original plan, you agreed to that first and they have helped you in the past. I agree with Koala, the party organiser should have sorted this long ago given the distance and you leaving a pet

Original poster
FoodIsMyNemesis · 06/07/2016 16:34

It all feels a bit last minute to be getting cross (actually I think its DP that's cross)

They wouldn't have considered the pet to be honest

OP posts:
FinallyHere · 06/07/2016 17:23

I'm firmly in the 'you can't go back on your word' camp, but feel that the 'short notice party planners' are getting a hard time. OP explained that she originally agreed that she would attend the family party, and only later claimed a forgotten previous engagement.

If you ask someone, on the spur of the moment, can you make and they accept, I can see how you would feel hard done by if they them claim they are busy after all. Its all very well to say they should have given more notice but, OP accepted. Didn't say 'must check my diary' or I'll let you know as soon as I get home and get a chance to check my diary.

Moral of the story, unless you have your diary, or even sometimes if you do, don't accept on the spot. Get back to them quickly, but do check your existing engagements. Otherwise, well, it seems as if you do not feel bound by those engagements.

I'd be interested to know the plan for OP's dog, when the invitation was originally accepted.

Reminds me of a boss who would excuse himself from any engagements that didn't appeal to him , citing a subsequent engagement. Brilliant.

Original poster
FoodIsMyNemesis · 06/07/2016 17:39

I did say it was subject to a dog sitter for us being available all along but normally this friend would help no worries so dp probably assumed they would again

OP posts:
dizzyfucker · 06/07/2016 19:51

Can you not find another dog sitter. Do you have time to ask around? Do you talk to any other dog walkers? I know a friend of mine sits dogs (small ones), there must be someone that can do it.

Sugarlightly · 06/07/2016 20:33

Definitely always go to the one you agreed to first, unless there is an extremely good reason to do otherwise. However, you have messed up a bit forgetting that you had prior engagement. I've had people do this to me, and say "oh I can't make it, I forgot I had x" and my first thought is "they had something better come up and made an excuse". Do whichever one you want to do more but appreciate you will have to deal with fall out from either. I would be inclined to help friend.

Original poster
FoodIsMyNemesis · 06/07/2016 21:44

There may be others but it's very short notice

Yes I am fully aware I messed up, it's not a great situation

OP posts:
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