Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Saving for the possible

37 replies

Curtains77 · 05/07/2016 21:08

I am currently attempting to get all my ducks in a row to leave my husband at some point in the near( ish) future and have confided in a couple of trusted friends for advice and support. In the process of asking advice they have revealed to me that they ALL have a secret fund - separate to the household finances - that their husbands do not know anything about . In case the marriages break up . All three friends have demonstrated this advance planning for the 'just in case' even though they all admit that they have no reason to think anything like that will happen ... so I started wondering if this is usual ? Am i the only person who has not done this and now in the regrettable position that I am so unprepared ?! Thoughts lovely people ? Xx

OP posts:
8FencingWire · 05/07/2016 21:25

Yes, I did. I am using it now :)
This is why it worries me when posters on here say everything is joint. I never thought I'll split up either.

Nanunanu · 05/07/2016 21:28

Nope not got one. Nor do I want one right now.

redexpat · 05/07/2016 21:50

No point as I live in a country where everything is split 50-50 in a divorce. If i was in the uk I would.

Original poster
Curtains77 · 05/07/2016 22:14

8FencingWire- if uou don't mind my asking - how long had uou been making provisions for and did you think it was inevitable or no ?

OP posts:
sepa · 05/07/2016 22:19

I have a seperate bank account and saving account to DP. Never crossed my mind to have a secret just in case fund.

MN is costing me a lot of money tonight with savings with this just in case fund and saving for uni fund

dudsville · 05/07/2016 22:22

We openly have seperate savings accounts. They're not in case we split up but would be there of course if need be. It's just that we both have always saved and we carried on doing this. If either of us wants to do some big expenditure we don't have to ask.

dun1urkin · 05/07/2016 22:30

Same as dudsville here. We both have separate savings accounts, but in addition to joint savings. It's completely transparent how much each of us have as they are linked to our offset mortgage.
I don't consider it a 'just in case' account, but it would fulfil that purpose if we did split.

AnecdotalEvidence · 05/07/2016 23:17

No I don't have one and don't feel the need for one. Everything is joint and that works for us. We both have access to everything so neither one of us has control over the finances.

Cabrinha · 05/07/2016 23:43

I find it depressing that in a straw poll of 4 (you and 3 friends) all need secret savings "just in case".

Is it 1976 or 2016?

Frustrates me that more women don't ensure that their "just in case" strategy is remaining equally economically active and rewarded as their husbands.

Or at the very least, their "just in case" fund is full knowledge of and equal access to family finances.

Some women are in financially abusive situations, but far more seem to sleepwalk into being the economically weaker party.

A job and continued employability is a better just in case strategy than £5K in a secret account.

Upallnight9 · 05/07/2016 23:48

I don't have a fund as such but I totally agree in keeping some form of financial and social independence. So many women on here find themselves either wanting to leave or husband left them and they have nothing. Some may find it unromantic but I think it's silly not to.

MollyTwo · 05/07/2016 23:51

I don't as DH and I have everything joint.

AppleMagic · 06/07/2016 00:02

Both my 'd'gf abd 'd'fil emptied the joint accounts and fled abroad when they left their partners. I insist on all savings in my name. DH is a very high earner and I am a SAHM. If I absconded with all our savings, he would be fine. Vice versa I would be stuffed.

heavenlypink · 06/07/2016 00:02

I have one or two accounts that OH knows nothing about. He is shit with money and it's a safety net - he is unfortunately on a zero hours contract and my hours will drop 20 hours (hopefully just temporarily) This keeps a roof over my head 'somewhere' should the shit hit the fan.

BackforGood · 06/07/2016 00:12

No, and quite frankly I'd be pretty surprised if your straw poll reflected the population at large.
As it happens, I do have savings, but that's because I'm tight careful with what I spend money on, and dh is a spendthrift, so, when we've had the same amounts of "pocket money" over a lot of years, mine has saved into a fund and his is spent, but it's not a fund to leave him with.
Don't the vast majority of people go into marriage believing it is going to be forever??? IF so, why would you have that sort of a fund ?

AppleMagic · 06/07/2016 00:16

Because everyone I know who is divorced also thought they were "going into in forever".

ShanghaiDiva · 06/07/2016 00:27

All savings accounts are in my name. Perhaps my dh has an escape fund.

mortgagefreesoon5 · 06/07/2016 02:59

We have a joint account since having the children but a few years ago an older woman, who has been married for over 40 years, advised me to have a savings pot, just in case, put a little each week. Don't have a lot in it yet but knowing it's there makes me feel better

TowerRavenSeven · 06/07/2016 03:43

Yes but dh knows about it and tells me I'm welcome to it should anything happen. He's also a high earner and I'm part time so I'd be screwed if apsomething happened.

Dh had a 'Blip' three years ago - not an affair but similar and we've gone to counseling. I don't think anything is going to happen but now I'm prepared for the worst.

I also have a huge freezer and pantry I keep stocked to the max so if anything happened I could feed myself and ds for a year and only need produce (and a big veg garden helps with that). Where we live things would be split 50/50.

TowerRavenSeven · 06/07/2016 03:49

Meant to add I'm about 10 years away from retirement (dh is younger than me by 9 years) and I've thought about returning to full time work when ds is in Uni. We'll see.

branofthemist · 06/07/2016 06:51

Both me and dh have our own accounts. We also have a joint account for bills and one for savings.

It's not a leaving fund. Just my personal fund. Could be for anything. But yes I would use it in the event of a split.

I know some people don't get why people have separate accounts. I don't get why people wouldn't, although it's more complicated when one is a sahm.

Original poster
Curtains77 · 06/07/2016 06:52

dudsville and dun1urkin - that sounds like a good and practical balance. There is transparency -and therefore honesty - but it is not an escape fund per se. Cabrinha yes I found it a little depressing too. I am becoming more feminist as I am getting older especially as I know i feel seriously disadvantaged by my gender atm. I have the part time job because we chose to have a family, with much much lower wages and now I am trying to plan this of course I must factor in everything . Dh of course has the ability to be completely independent. I have to take responsibility for sleepwalking into that - partly because most people tend to go into marriage for life as AppleMagic said . So there is a few issues here I think. One more thing - is it unreasonable to sell my engagement ring rather rely on borrowing money from people ? I feel so two faced at the moment as am trying to appear to carry on as normal whilst trying to sort out an escape plan !

OP posts:
Rockelburger · 06/07/2016 06:59

I have no secret money. I find it sad that people would expect to one day need to leave their spouse.

You are not silly to not have done this xx

Original poster
Curtains77 · 06/07/2016 07:01

Thanks Rockelburger xxx it's all about perspective I suppose but thank u I feel a little better ! X

OP posts:
Cabrinha · 06/07/2016 07:16

It's not unreasonable at all to sell an engagement ring.
I remember my mother always saying the engagement ring should be expensive and the wedding ring cheap, in case of dire times (when still married!) as the wedding ring was the more important to keep.
But is your engagement ring worth much? Diamonds cost a lot, but are worth little. Prepare to be shocked at second hand value.

What's your timescale for leaving?

Why not increase your hours now, or better still increase your hours by applying for a other job that is full time and pays better? If that means using childcare, get that sorted out now - get everything booked and get your STBXH used to having an active role in picks ups now.

Original poster
Curtains77 · 06/07/2016 07:39

It's a good point - it is diamond and platinum and it's insured for 2k but uou may well be right I am calculating it may be worth around 800-1000 . All those other suggestions are brilliant but unfortunately just not practical for me to leave my job but I do have scope for Inc hours have already looked into it and , thanks to mumsnet and a long story of being able to anonymous ly talk about it, am going to go to local DA drop in this morning to see how bad/goodmy position is.

OP posts: