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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Finally stuck up for myself but now feel weird

108 replies

PanickingwithacapitalP · 05/07/2016 14:10

For years I've just kept my mouth shut around naricisstic dsis as the fallout is never worth it

Today I bit back. Maybe I shouldn't have but she really annoyed me. The conversation somehow got to dh having a gun. Now I'll be honest it's not something I really truly agree with but it's a hobby he's done it all properly (paperwork and locked away etc etc) most of the time he just goes with his family and it's target practice type stuff, occasionally shooting birds.

Dsis is vegetarian and has been really into animal welfare the last couple of years . She declared that my dh is this and that and having a gun is a "dickish" thing. Usually I'd say nothing but I said "actually it's his hobby whether you agree or not so do not call him that"

She lost her temper and was very passive aggressive. I reiterated why I was annoyed and she persisted so I reminded her what she did, loudly enough that the neighbours could hear (in garden) a few years ago after a fox killed her beloved pet to get the message home that she was being hypocritical

She stormed out. Now I just feel a bit rubbish as usually if she is challenged there are repercussions . I feel good I didnt just take it and act like a doormat but now I'm not sure about having said what i did ?
WIBU?

OP posts:
Illias · 06/07/2016 01:44

I understand how you're feeling, OP. I've only recently learnt how to put boundaries in place with various people, and the feeling after I've done is so hard to describe. It's almost like I've never occupied that 'space' before (having been firm with someone and pushed back about something) so I don't really know how to do it, because I've only ever occupied the 'space' of biting my tongue and thinking about all the things I should have said! So now I'm having to learn how to be firm but also not spend ages stressing about whether I've upset someone or not - I'm learning that just because someone might be upset doesn't mean I've done the wrong thing!

Hellochicken · 06/07/2016 01:50

I think standing up for your DH's choices (even though they arent your choice) was right, but telling the neighbours about her deranged actions 15 years ago . . . i think you shouldn't have.

EttaJ · 06/07/2016 02:14

Another vegan here (of many many years) I think all three of you are fucking awful. DH for his "hobby" what a twat, you for KNOWING what your sister was doing and not reporting it and your sister for doing it. The damage that was likely done! Sick people all round.

puddingbunny · 06/07/2016 03:09

You feel weird because you picked the wrong hill to die on. OK, your sister is clearly a fruitloop, and a nasty one at that, but why defend your husband when you don't like his 'hobby' either? You don't have to condone everything he does just because you're married.

Also, 'it's legal' is the most rubbish defence of an activity I have ever heard.

FoxesSitOnBoxes · 06/07/2016 03:29

Sustained sausage poisoning over a period of months? Really? Also what sort of birds does your husband shoot? What sort of gun does he have? It all sounds very odd to me

2nds · 06/07/2016 07:42

I think both sisters are hypocritical if truth be told, but op more so than her sister. Defending the husband even though she disagrees with him having this hobby that's hypocrisy. Did he really need defending? If my OH was to pick up a gun and shoot an animal I wouldn't be defending him.

BTW OP defending him is not sticking up for yourself, you've just stuck up for him that's all.

IceRoadDucker · 06/07/2016 07:57

2nds Absolutely. It's hilarious that the OP accuses anybody of hypocrisy.

15 years ago your sister did something fucking ridiculous. Many years later she's become interested in animal rights, has gone pescetarian, and is thinking about going vegan i.e. practising what she preaches. Sounds like she's grown up a lot.

Your adult husband CURRENTLY owns a gun and uses it to shoot animals.

I know which of them I'd rather share a house with and have around my defenseless child.

TheOnlyColditz · 06/07/2016 08:03

Hands up if you're a vegan and complaining about the Op's husband's hobby?

Anyone?

No?

TheOnlyColditz · 06/07/2016 08:05

As for who I'd rather have around my child, it would be the proven-to-be-stable husband and father who likes to shoot things with guns, thank you very much. He can bring home Sunday dinner, you know, like millions of people all over the world.

Not the proven-to-be-chronically-unstable idiot sister who says vile things to the children and drops poison with no thought as to the real consequences on other animals.

CitySnicker · 06/07/2016 08:17

Shooting birds and squirrels and trapping foxes is common round these parts. It makes me so uncomfortable being an ex 'townie' but it's sadly still the established norm to many round here.

CitySnicker · 06/07/2016 08:19

I have to drive past a hunting lodge on way to work every day. On the mornings when the car park is full, my heart sinks. Pheasants mostly I think.

IceRoadDucker · 06/07/2016 08:21

TheOnlyColditz My hand is up. I'm vegan.

SalemSaberhagen · 06/07/2016 08:33

damsel is vegan too, colditz.

claraschu · 06/07/2016 08:39

I am close to vegan- eat our neighbours eggs and a small amount of milk and cheese from a farm I know.

I think killing things for a hobby is utterly horrible, as is leaving poison around in parks. There is something about shooting living creatures for fun that is just the definition of hateful behaviour for me.

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes · 06/07/2016 08:41

It is illegal to shoot the majority of wild birds, there are a few exceptions to this rule, check out the RSPB website. But shooting wild birds is really not on as many are already in decline. stick to shooting targets at a range if you must but please ask him to leave our wildlife alone.

Believeitornot · 06/07/2016 08:43

That was 15 years ago. Talk about holding a grudge

You're both a bit pathetic.

coffeetasteslikeshit · 06/07/2016 08:54

I agree 100% with Illias. I was recently very slightly assertive with someone who normally walks all over me and it left me feeling very strange.

Practice makes perfect though!

Original poster
PanickingwithacapitalP · 06/07/2016 09:10

At the time I was not aware till dm found out and she stopped it pretty swiftly. If I had known myself I'd have done something to stop her but, as it happened it had already been done when I was told about it.

Possibly I would have been very angry but I doubt I would ha e reported her just given her a bollocking like dm did

And I'm not against or for dh shooting. I'm not totally happy with it but not shocked or against it as such. Pretty much just on the fence as he's only been once to shoot birds and prefers targets - I think he's making his own choice as has been with family whilst they have shot birds and he's chosen not to ....so he can make his own moral choice there without my input

OP posts:
StrangeLookingParasite · 06/07/2016 09:11

you for KNOWING what your sister was doing and not reporting it

She didn't know, at the time.

Original poster
PanickingwithacapitalP · 06/07/2016 09:21

And tbh any ethical issues aside I do think I was right to challenge her but looking at the situation today I think it's probably now best left in the past

Whether dsis agrees or not is up to her but I've realised I can't really be bothered arguing with her again !

OP posts:
zzzzz · 06/07/2016 09:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fattyfattytoadgirl · 06/07/2016 09:38

Your husband could give up his gun/hobby tomorrow and your Dsis would find another stick to beat you with. You lashed out because you've had years of suffering this bully.

She has form for this so now that you have bitten back, it will be interesting to see what she moves onto next.

Look out for the backlash on standing up to her.

BertrandRussell · 06/07/2016 09:50

She sounds a nightmare.

But your do is a dick for having guns.

fattyfattytoadgirl · 06/07/2016 09:59

Tell her you are not your husband's keeper and refuse to discuss it with her.

It's interesting you say she won't take it up with him.

She's more interested in bullying you, I'm afraid.

kali110 · 06/07/2016 16:01

People don't need to be vegie or vegan to dislike shooting animals/birds.
There is a massive difference between eating meat to live and killing animals for sport Hmm
Agree with ice. My dp would not be back in the house if he decided to take up this 'hobby' ( thankfully something i never have to entertain as he finds it despicable).