Things I do to make DH want to scream.

[Reality]

Just to counter the other thread

I smoke.

I put my biscuit wrappers/banana skin in my empty coffee cup and leave it there until later.

I get him to make all my coffees if he's in the house.

I sometimes MN at the dinner table.

I put my cold feet on him in bed to warm them up.

Other than that I'm completely perfect obviously

I leave the lights on in rooms after I've left them.

I buy the wrong kind of an item from the supermarket without fail unless supervised - either I buy own-brand when it's worth spending the money on a nicer brand, or I buy a too-expensive brand when Tesco Value products work just as well.

I use the dish towel to dry my hands and the hand towel to dry the dishes.

I forget to hang up the bathmat after a shower.

I have been using the Aeropress to make coffee for ten months and have only just become capable of making it the right strength (neither too strong nor too weak.)

I forget to put things on the shopping list when we run out.

I make him go and buy little extras from the corner shop if we happen to need them once I've gotten home for the day. Quite often my excuse is that I'm now wearing pyjamas, but quite often he's also wearing pyjama bottoms. He goes anyway.

I think I may secretly be a man.

I also spam his phone constantly if he's trying to watch a video

And I pick the cat up and put him on his lap of either one of them is annoying me (because it annoys both of them).

God, everything..
I wait until people have finished doing whatever task they're doing before I ask them to move.
I use teabags twice before throwing them away; and put them on a saucer in between times
Have given up using my own tears and some salt as cleaning fluid and use the much less eco-friendly (but more efficient) Flash in the bathroom
I read books while walking around, then get startled if someone appears in front of me
I leave the washing on the line overnight
I'm incredibly slapdash/ incompetent when it comes to DIY. I can change a lightbulb and tend to bodge everything else, rather than using 99 spirit levels, some graph paper, CAD software, a 3D printer and a selection of specific brushes to paint a door.
I might exaggerate a teeny bit on occasion.

.. am now wondering if DH is a MNetter.

I do the lid thing that people hated on the other thread. I never quite manage to screw the tops onto jars etc. No idea why.

I make terrible tea (on purpose) so I never have to.

DH is the most chilled person I've ever, ever met.

The ONLY thing that drives him batty is when I ask him to get me something from somewhere (I have hip issues and at the end of the day sometimes I'm just stuck on the sofa), and then when he gets the thing and sits down, I remember something else I need and ask him to grab that too...

"I don't mind getting you things or passing you things! Just ask for them all at once! Aaarrgggh!"

I am trying to be better at this.

I snore
I fart
I burp
I sing all the time - very badly
I steal his 'warm' - I'm always cold
I twiddle my hair - drives everyone crazy and now our dc do it too
I nag
I wander around aimlessly in the night
I watch crap tv in bed

There are many many more and I honestly don't know how he puts up with me, I do remind him quite often he's lucky to have me

I never like people I first meet. He maintains that when I say: "Yeah, REALLY not sure about her" we are guaranteed to become best friends in six months time.

I stay in my PJs until midday (work from home). Drives him particularly insane when he is working abroad and Facetimes to find me and the cat in bed going hiya!

I don't fill my car up with petrol until it's been in the red a good while. I hate going to the garage, so tedious.

I watch every manner of shit reality TV going. Love Island, Made In Chelsea... Our biggest ever row was over the fact I was watching something called Top Dog Model (a great series).

Refuse to engage in long, detailed discussions of Bristol Rovers chances next season.
Suggest we spend money budgeted for fun stuff on things other than Bristol Rivers matches.
Insist we follow a budget at all.
Describe Stargate as absolutely crap and point out the kids also hate it (I have deliberately turned them against it apparently ).
Leave books everywhere.
Lose my keys, phone, purse etc every time I am about to leave the house.
Kiss him after applying lip balm.
Squash stuff into a full bin to avoid emptying it.

I smoke, I'm lazy, I leave plates and mugs behind, i never stick to my diet then moan that I'm fat, I get upset about stuff that really doesn't matter, the list is endless I suspect

I put my cold feet, hands, bum and hips on him to warm up. And keep closing the back door as I get clod while he sits in shorts and tshirt.

I wash up wrong (bubbles on scrubber but not in water) and don't put cutlery in the right order in the cutlery drawer. I capitulated on this last one as a wedding gift. I am generous to a fault...

Nag him to deal with the 6ft stack of boxes of random paperwork, mail etc so we get our spare room/nursery back. He is right, I do. After a year of nagging I have fantasies of burning the lot or going papier mache crazy.

Use coriander too much (i.e. At all).

Very loud sneezes (his are pathetically quiet, I think he's jealous)

Not being sufficiently vocally enthusiastic/excited about things. If someone buys me a present I will always thank them and usually make some nice comments about how lovely said present is, but that's where it ends. He will do this but repeat it many, many times as well as showing anyone who visits , telling anyone he speaks to, sending pictures of said gift to friends etc. All his family do this so I think it's expected. So by their standards I don't seem very interested in my gift. Similarly with holidays/nights out etc.

I open the milk on the wrong side so tear it every single time.

I leave books and shoes everywhere.
I own too many books and shoes.
I start serious conversations while he is watching football/Formula 1
I freak out when parking and swear at worldclass levels.
I am prone to fits of 'oh my god this house is a huge mess' and then stressing us all out cleaning it up, despite being the main cause of the mess (see books and shoes).
I ask him if my belly looks big. (It does, and he cannot win that one poor man).

Having told my long suffering dp about this thread he has asked me to add:
Making three times the mess he would when cooking, giving a running commentary when watching to shows together, getting up way too late for work and then stressing about not being ready.
I told him if that's all he has to complain about he's lucky really!

Everything I bet

Heavy breathe and chomp my teeth in the night.

Don't lock the front door - trying to remember though, in my defence!

Crying at anything/everything. Even when not pregnant.

On my phone all the time - also trying to not do this!

Not loading the dishwasher properly. Honestly can't see the problem with this one!

I create nests on the sofa, of laptop, cushions, book, newspaper, etc until I am cosily surrounded by all I love and no one else can sit down.

I kick him repeatedly while I'm asleep.

I buy the wrong colour milk all the time.

I prefer the house kept arctic while he likes it tropical. Although I'm clearly both right and environmentally friendly there.

Well, I'm practically perfect, natch. However he may find my selective blindness to dust and ironing a tiny bit annoying. And he alleges I snore, but he's lying, of course.

I am a messy cook

And I shock horror leave the washing up until after dinner, even though its easier to clean the pans while they are still hot but I also like to eat my dinner while its still hot

Oh my God, luckyyem - I twiddle my hair too. He says it makes a scritching noise and hates being in the same room while I'm doing it. I can just about get away with reading in the sitting room with him if I do it very slowly and quietly, but I inevitably forget if I get to an exciting bit in my book and start twiddling my hair a mile a minute, and then he swings round in his chair and does a very pointed look.

I put my cold feet on him in bed
I complain when he dries his tooth brush on the hand towel instead of his own bath towel (who wants to dry their hands on a towel that might have toothpaste on?!)
Steal his cosy hoodies in winter then stretch them out over boobs
There will be more but had a mind blank :-)

I don't put lids on things.

I make helpful suggestions for how he can improve his driving at inopportune moments.

I use his career (software) as an excuse to delegate everything even vaguely tech-y to him to do, down to renewing the anti-virus on our software.

I give him an (unsolicited) daily rundown of what's happening on Rightmove in three areas we don't live in, in addition to our own.

(On a related note) I can watch marathons of Kirstie 'n' Phil of an evening, while he won't deign to watch anything except University Challenge.

I insisted on a wholly unsuitable car which now alternates between guzzling petrol and breaking down in an eye-wateringly expensive way.

Said car is filled with a selection of expired parking permits, shopping receipts, newspapers, water bottles and wrappers from McD's. And covered in bird shit.

I rotate him in his sleep to maximise spooning opportunities.

I chase him around the house until he lets me squeeze his blackheads/pimples.

There's probably more...

I spoonyfuck
I correct his malapropisms
I put my cold feet on him in bed
I fall asleep on him on the sofa and then grumble like hell if he moves or gets up
I go on mad cleaning frenzies when I have PMT, and suddenly insist things get tidied NOW THIS SECOND when I've had no problem with weeks or months beforehand
I am the embodiment of 'God only needed 10 commandments for the whole world, but we need 150 just for the kitchen'

Good job he loves me

I'm messy. I break things. I can't drive (only annoying while I'm pregnant and therefore not drinking).