Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Please hand me a grip. Re ex and new gf around my toddler

80 replies

Namechanger89 · 04/07/2016 16:43

Stbxh and I broke up 2.5 years ago. Domestic violence. History of DV with all previous ex's. DS is 3. Sees his dad every other weekend. I keep a vigilant eye out for any concerns but for the most part things have been ok. I have always said that any new partners and I would be concerned because he has strangled me in front of his older daughter, for example, and I am very concerned that he wouldn't be able to manage his emotions in front of DS.

STBXH now has a new girlfriend. When I say new, I mean within the last 2 weeks.
New girlfriend has 4 boys who do not live with her. This weekend ex had her stay over. It's DS's contact weekend.

I have no idea who this woman is, or why her 4 young children do not live with her. Were they removed? Did she relinquish?
I would not normally state that I had a right to meet her before she meets DS but surely with this I should so I can risk assess the situation??

I have drafted a message that says I'm glad he's met someone, but I think given the concerns we should do this properly and he should bring her round one eve so I can meet her and he can meet DP (we've been together for a year but ex has always refused to meet him!)
If he refused to do this I think I'm going to suggest he only has DS at his mums.

Come on, just how unreasonable am I being??

OP posts:

LouBlue1507 · 04/07/2016 16:49

YANBU to be concerned or wanting to know who this lady is but legally YABU... You have no right to meet this woman despite your concerns and if you change contact now, because of a new partner, it will go against you in court.

sepa · 04/07/2016 16:50

Given the violence then I would say for contact to be at his mums anyway (and I say this coming from a house where my dad was violent and then moved onto us kids when mum moved out)

I don't think he will want you meeting new GF tbh given that he doesn't want to me your DP

Original poster

Namechanger89 · 04/07/2016 16:53

He definitely won't want me to meet her, but I figured by offering I was being reasonable.

I just think, if she has had 4 children taken into care (I think at least one is in foster care) then I have a right to know what sort of risk that poses for DS?

I don't know. He's my baby. I just want to keep him safe :(

OP posts:

LouBlue1507 · 04/07/2016 16:57

You'd think so but legally, no you don't.. But I do understand why you want to know.. 😕 It's a difficult situation! If you rock the boat now, it might start a nasty custody war.. Just keep a very close eye!

KittyLaRoux · 04/07/2016 17:05

Completely understand your concerns and you can of course express these to your ex.
However he does not have to act on them.

You have no idea why her children are in care. It could be many reasons.

You can suggest he has ds at his mums but again he does not have to comply.

I am afraid while ds is on contact time with dad, without actual evidence if risk you cannot request or enforce anything.

Sorry OP i know its shit.

WorraLiberty · 04/07/2016 17:07

I understand your concerns, but how does meeting her risk asses the situation?

You can't really sit there and ask her personal questions about her family and life, in a sort of interview style.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 04/07/2016 17:09

You do not have a right to know the why's and what not.

But it is a very valid legitimate concern there is also the additional risk that an abuser poses when he ceases to be single.

I personally would be applying to courts for them to asses the risk and make sure contact is safe

sepa · 04/07/2016 17:09

Although, would you legally be able to find out why she has had her kids taken? If it's some sort of safeguarding thing then would it be allowed to be disclosed to you? Not sure who you would have to contact or if it's even possible. I'm thinking there must be something along the lines of where your able to now find out if your partner has a violent past through the police?

WorraLiberty · 04/07/2016 17:16

Maybe the kids live with their Dad?

Original poster

Namechanger89 · 04/07/2016 17:18

They may do. In which case it's fine. But my step daughter has told me that one is in care... This might not be true but I do want to know!

OP posts:

OnionKnight · 04/07/2016 17:19

I very much doubt that you can find out why she doesn't have the children, and legally YABU, you can't force her to meet you so you can question her.

WorraLiberty · 04/07/2016 17:20

But how will you find out unless your ex tells you?

You can't really invite her for coffee and say, "So why don't you have custody of your kids then?" as you pass the Jammie Dodgers

MLGs · 04/07/2016 17:20

I don't think meeting her would help, nor can you insist on it.

I would be applying to court to try to keep his contact supervised if at all possible.

Buggers · 04/07/2016 17:23

You could try and have a nose on her Facebook and see if there's any clues on there as to why she hasn't got her kids?

agentmarmalade · 04/07/2016 17:28

I would recommend using contact centres via social services as your ex is violent.
If you are not comfortable with your son staying overnight with your violent ex and this unknown woman (with a possibly dubious history with kids) then I think applying to court to keep their contact supervised is by far the best idea.
I can't see any other way at the moment.

cestlavielife · 04/07/2016 17:28

is there a court order?

did cafcass assess the risk and recommend unsupervised contact despite the strangling?

was the strangling reported to police? is there a record?

you have been sending ds to visit every other weekend so either there is court order and you have no choice ....
or you accept it is ok and you trust ex to look after him and vet any other adults just as you vet all adults who come into contact with ds while he is in your care

you wont be able to find out anything about her dc but until /unless you have evidence of specific concerns there is nothing you can do.

BengalCatMum · 04/07/2016 17:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MyCatHasStaff · 04/07/2016 17:29

Even if she were to agree, she will no more tell you the truth of the situation than your ex will admit to being an abuser. No doubt both of them view themselves as the victims of their situations, so you will be no wiser. It's shit, I've been in a similar situation and can't honestly say I found a solution other than to be vigilant, sorry.

Bogeyface · 04/07/2016 17:32

Where social services ever involved with you when you were with him? If so then they may be able to help you now. They probably wont be able to tell you where her kids are or why, but if they have information on her then they can use that to determine whether your son is at risk when he is with his dad.

I would be prepared to stop contact and apply for supervised access if there is even one incident of DV against the new GF, which lets face it is pretty certain.

EweAreHere · 04/07/2016 17:32

I don't think you have any control over who he introduces to his child.

That being said, you know he's only thinking about himself if he's introducing a new 'girlfriend' 2 weeks into a relationship. That is completely inappropriate and incredibly unfair to children. Parents dates should not be in and out of children's lives until there is an established relationship that looks like it's going somewhere. Just inappropriate and hard on children.

I'm sorry, OP. But you will likely have to pick up the emotional pieces, but there's not much more you can do unless DV does arise again.

Fairylea · 04/07/2016 17:35

He strangled you in front of a child? Personally I would move to the other end of the country and somehow lose contact completely. I wouldn't want my child around anyone like that. I suspect I will get flamed but I seriously couldn't send my child round for unsupervised contact with a man who behaved that way. The girlfriend thing makes it even more worrying.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 04/07/2016 17:37

Your child will be safe, he will be with his dad. Meeting you would not give you any grounds for making any kind of valid assessment anyway.

You don't get a 'say' on this, OP. You can want one but it's not really any of your business other than making sure that your ex doesn't make your son feel unsafe in any way.

Be careful not to project your fears onto your child either. Easier said than done, I know.

Fidelia · 04/07/2016 17:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Chloe1984 · 04/07/2016 17:46

Their relationship sounds very new, I'd say it's maybe possible you won't have this problem after a couple of weeks, if you see what I mean.

f83mx · 04/07/2016 17:48

Are you going to tell her about your ex's violent tendencies? She might need the warning....

Flip

1 2 3 4