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AIBU?

Please hand me a grip. Re ex and new gf around my toddler

80 replies

Namechanger89 · 04/07/2016 16:43

Stbxh and I broke up 2.5 years ago. Domestic violence. History of DV with all previous ex's. DS is 3. Sees his dad every other weekend. I keep a vigilant eye out for any concerns but for the most part things have been ok. I have always said that any new partners and I would be concerned because he has strangled me in front of his older daughter, for example, and I am very concerned that he wouldn't be able to manage his emotions in front of DS.

STBXH now has a new girlfriend. When I say new, I mean within the last 2 weeks.
New girlfriend has 4 boys who do not live with her. This weekend ex had her stay over. It's DS's contact weekend.

I have no idea who this woman is, or why her 4 young children do not live with her. Were they removed? Did she relinquish?
I would not normally state that I had a right to meet her before she meets DS but surely with this I should so I can risk assess the situation??

I have drafted a message that says I'm glad he's met someone, but I think given the concerns we should do this properly and he should bring her round one eve so I can meet her and he can meet DP (we've been together for a year but ex has always refused to meet him!)
If he refused to do this I think I'm going to suggest he only has DS at his mums.

Come on, just how unreasonable am I being??

OP posts:

Report

Welshmaenad · 04/07/2016 17:49

Do you know her name?

If she has had children removed by social services she should not be unsupervised around other people's children and it would be your ex's responsibility to maintain supervision if he has brought her into his home around your DS.

A nice calm phone call to SS emphasising that you're not bandying accusations but have concerns would be a good starting point.

JuneBuggy · 04/07/2016 17:50

Another one advocating an application to your local police force under Clare's Law. YANBU to worry about this, I would be!

ricketytickety · 04/07/2016 17:56

I'd worry too. Can you talk to Children's Services or nspcc anon for advice? You want trusted adults caring for your ds and from the sounds of it, neither are trusted. He's violent and it's possible she has problems too. Gather some advice first from appropriate agencies.

Welshmaenad · 04/07/2016 17:59

Clare's Law allows for disclosures about domestic violence against former partners. Sarah's Law applies to children but will only reveal recorded sexual offences against children, not any involvement with social services or neglect/physical/emotional abuse of her own children even if she's been successfully prosecuted.

icanteven · 04/07/2016 17:59

Why does your ex have unsupervised contact in the first place? Is this an informal arrangement? I don't think it's unreasonable to be concerned that his new gf has had four children removed, but if, legally, he is considered to be safe to be around your children with him (which seems unlikely in itself), then legally he is fit to decide who ELSE to have around his children. If your arrangement is informal, this might be the time to think about withdrawing unsupervised contact, in view of his history.

cestlavielife · 04/07/2016 18:16

you cant go two years sending your ds to someone for weekends then suddenly withdraw and demand unsupervised contact.

op says it has been going fine. so she trusts him.

the time to go for supervised is when you split and when the dv has been reported and recorded...and even then it may well be only for few months. so after two years, if all had gone well it would have moved on anyway.
the dad could rightly say well there has been no issue up to now.

op could report to safeguarding to SS but given she has no evidence other than hearsay it may backfire...

however, if ds comes back reporting anything untoward, then op has a reason to reconsider the contact. assuming ds can talk and say if anything odd happens, then op has to rely on DS....

maybe the DC of the woman have SEN/disabilities and she could not cope - out there are very nice middle class women who have given up their children/dont live with them because of SEN - you dont know anything about the reasons why her dc dont live with her.

Bambamrubblesmum · 04/07/2016 18:28

DS can't report anything he's a toddler.

I think you have very legitimate concerns that you need to discuss with social services. Better to raise concerns in a cool and calm manner through official channels and get them formally looked at.

NSPCC would be a good starting point for advice.

I would not be giving any stranger the benefit of the doubt when it comes to my son. Better safe than sorry. It is absolutely your business when it comes to your child's safety.

KamMum · 04/07/2016 18:28

If the genders were reversed and it was a new BF, I'm sure it would be seen as a bigger deal. I think you have every right to want to know why her kids were taken away as she will be around your kid. Even if you meet the new GF, you wont necessarily know any details. I would suggest you get advice from your local social services and maybe even contact the police. Document everything and have emails as evidence if it gets to court.

Lostthefairytale · 04/07/2016 19:38

If I was you I would be getting as much information as you can about who she is and then I'd be getting in touch with children's services. The more information you can get the easier it will be to trace her and identify if you have anything to worry about. Names of her children and the local authority they are from are the most important identifiers. Contact your own SS department and give all the info, they can do checks with another local authority if they need to. If safeguarding concerns are identified they can advise on how to protect your son. Without this info I'm not sure you will be able to do very much about his contact.

RosesareSublime · 04/07/2016 19:41

I dont know much about this - but a man with a history of extreme violence with not even a care to his own dc present....how in gods name has he got access?

I would not be happy at all no.

Namechanger89 · 04/07/2016 20:31

I text him:
'I'm concerned about DS coming to stay until I know he'll be ok with your new partner. Is there a reason why her children don't live with her? Happy to meet face to face if you'd rather discuss it in person.'

He responded 'I've seen her with her kids she's an amazing mum, she is allowed access and I don't have to tell you why they don't live with her'.

8 days they have been 'together'. 8 days. And he's met her children?!

OP posts:

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 04/07/2016 20:38

8 days they have been 'together'. 8 days. And he's met her children?!

Bloody hell, talk about rushing things!

KittyLaRoux · 04/07/2016 20:39

No he doesn't have to tell you.

You either need to go through the courts or trust him because he is not going to do what you want him to.

WannaBe · 04/07/2016 20:53

If my ex started seeing someone whose children had been taken into care I would stop unsupervised contact with immediate effect.

I would then call SS and raise concerns that this woman was in a relationship with a man with children even though her own children had been removed so as to create a paper trail.

Then I would go and see a solicitor and enquire about supervised contact only in the event he were to take me to court.

And I would then tell him that my children would not be going there unsuperviseD. Oh, and during my conversation with SS I would express concern that he may not pay attention to any warnings about his children being at risk.

If the children are at risk then SS would visit a new partner and inform them of said risk if they themselves have children, failure to heed that risk could involve SS becoming involved anyway so I would pre-empt this possibility.

The violence is worrying, but given the OP has failed to act on that in two years she would be unable to do anything about that now. but this is a wake-up call IMO.

KittyLaRoux · 04/07/2016 21:01

The OP has no idea why the gf doesn't have full time care of her DC so your post is a little over the top

CreepingDogFart · 04/07/2016 21:03

YANBU at all.

WannaBe · 04/07/2016 21:06

Well, if op's DSD says one of the kids is in care I would consider it a welfare issue And would make it my business to find out.

Given the man has form for violence towards his partners in front of his children I wouldn't consider him to be a valid judge of character.

Namechanger89 · 04/07/2016 21:12

He is not a valid judge of character.

And believe me, I didn't enter into the access agreements lightly.

They have been clearly thought out, monitored, and additional access that he was having before has been stopped and reduced according to any concerns that have come up.

We meet in neutral locations. We communicate via my mum. I keep a diary of DS's appearance, domeaner, behaviour.

We started up every other Thursday because ex complained he went too long between contact. I stopped it after 2 weeks because he was going to nursery dirty and on one occasion forgot to send him with lunch.

But I am realistic and I have sought advice, and sadly, fathers, even violent fathers are often granted more access if it gets to court and I could not risk that. I cannot risk that. It is much, much better for me to be in control and even though he is a shit head, DS loves him. I am so vigilant and the minute DS ever comes home with even the hint of experiencing any difficult business, contact will stop and we will go to court. But I have fought to find a balance that gives my son his father in a safe way.

I'm going to tell him that until I have met her and can ask her for myself what the reasons are, he can only have DS at his mums. I just can't put my baby at risk and Ex cannot judge that risk.

OP posts:

YeOldMa · 04/07/2016 21:18

If it were me, I'd speak to a solicitor and ask them what the score is. Even though my ex had been violent to me, it didn't matter a jot to anybody as long as my kids were safe with him. As he'd never been violent to them, it was anybody's guess which way the court would have jumped when I was asking for supervised access. Unfortunately he walked out just before we were due to go before the judge so I'll never know. One thing for certain though, everything I thought I would do to protect DC's was rather surprisingly likely to be considered unreasonable so I would urge you to get good legal advice before you do anything.

WhooooAmI24601 · 04/07/2016 21:20

As much as I'd want to do as you are now, I'd advise against it. If your arrangements are suddenly changed because of a new partner, it's going to reflect quite poorly upon you if it ever goes to court. Honestly, your instinct is always to protect your DS but you cannot force him to only see DS at your Mums house. It's not for you to decide that; go back to court and plead your case, but you can't dictate his rights just yet.

For what it's worth, I have a DS with an ex, and appreciate just how godwaful it is, knowing they're being introduced to god-knows-who after a week of dating; it's a sham and proves that whilst they're in that moment, they're thinking with their dicks not their brains. Which is super-shit parenting.

Lookatyourwatchnow · 04/07/2016 21:31

I understand that usually it is not considered the other parent's business when children are introduced to new partners however there are obvious safeguarding concerns in these circumstances. As a social worker myself, I would not be allowing any contact between my DC and this new partner. The threshold for children being accommodated is extremely high. This woman was considered by a court to pose such a risk to her own children that they were removed from her. No way on earth would she be unsupervised (or supervised by violent ex who clearly isn't a good judge of character) with my kids.

KittyLaRoux · 04/07/2016 21:34

Well, if op's DSD says one of the kids is in care I would consider it a welfare issue And would make it my business to find out.

Ds's best friends 13 yo brother is in care. He has very serious behavioural issues. His mum is lovely and a good mum who tried her best and her other 2 children are a credit to her.
Not all children in care are there because of abuse/neglect by the parents.
Plus the DSD knowing is actually just hear say and in no way factual.

I would be very careful before I changed contact arragements as this will not only have an affect on the child but could if it went to court it would reflect negatively.

mummyto2monkeys · 04/07/2016 21:36

Do you know any personal details about this woman? I would contact your sons social worker and explain your concerns regarding the new partner (possibility of violence). You could also call the police and ask if they could check her record for you. If all four children are in care then it could be that she is violent/ a danger to her children. If she is not then you have lost nothing but I think you have every right to be concerned. They can only refuse! If this was a single Mum who had a new partner and he was about to become involved/ Move in /about to access vulnerable children and he had declared that he had four children who were in care. I would be advising that she check with the police to see if he had a record of violence/ abuse.

KittyLaRoux · 04/07/2016 21:39

This woman was considered by a court to pose such a risk to her own children that they were removed from her. No way on earth would she be unsupervised (or supervised by violent ex who clearly isn't a good judge of character) with my kids.

Where does it say this as fact? Have I missed an update from the OP where she states that the children were removed by the court?

Sorry but the ex isn't a good judge of character but he chose to have a child with the OP? So how was his judgement there or is the OP also not a desirable charecter?

Lookatyourwatchnow · 04/07/2016 21:55

Kitty children who are placed in foster care either via section 31, 38 or 20 of the children Act 1989. That's why.

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