Please hand me a grip. Re ex and new gf around my toddler

[Namechanger89]

Stbxh and I broke up 2.5 years ago. Domestic violence. History of DV with all previous ex's. DS is 3. Sees his dad every other weekend. I keep a vigilant eye out for any concerns but for the most part things have been ok. I have always said that any new partners and I would be concerned because he has strangled me in front of his older daughter, for example, and I am very concerned that he wouldn't be able to manage his emotions in front of DS.

STBXH now has a new girlfriend. When I say new, I mean within the last 2 weeks.
New girlfriend has 4 boys who do not live with her. This weekend ex had her stay over. It's DS's contact weekend.

I have no idea who this woman is, or why her 4 young children do not live with her. Were they removed? Did she relinquish?
I would not normally state that I had a right to meet her before she meets DS but surely with this I should so I can risk assess the situation??

I have drafted a message that says I'm glad he's met someone, but I think given the concerns we should do this properly and he should bring her round one eve so I can meet her and he can meet DP (we've been together for a year but ex has always refused to meet him!)
If he refused to do this I think I'm going to suggest he only has DS at his mums.

Come on, just how unreasonable am I being??

But sure, kitty, you have one friend whose child is in care who is a good mum so OP should 'be very careful' about restricting contact in case it reflects negatively on her. Because obviously if your one friend is a good mum there is a minimal risk that this woman is sexually abusive, physically abusive, neglectful, a drug user... There are a myriad of reasons that children can be removed and these are very real reasons as to why children are accommodated.

But we don't KNOW the child is in care.

The Op has said she thinks, thinks there is a child in care. There is no actual definite.

Also children go to foster care for different reasons as I know of 2 sisters that were placed in foster care while mum had an op. She was not from the uk so had no family here or friends who could take them.

Shut up Look you know as much as me yet apparently your theories must be correct

End of the day this violent poor judge of character has had access for 2 years. Yes the op has a right to be worried but she cannot go around like a screaming harpy accusing this women of child neglect when she actually knows nothing at all.
If the gf is a risk then of course take action but everyone is condemning this women when even the op admits she only THINKS she knows.

If she stopped contact with no evidence it would affect the child and also lead to future problems if they went to court.
As I said he is apparently a poor judge of character yet had a child and was with the op for 2 years. So is this just a recent development of bad judgement?

I worked for SS, we would get phone calls come to us via Careline, for this reason.

We would then state whether the named Person was any risk to a child. We would also state things such as the person being allowed to be supervised around children, but not in charge of etc.

A Woman who has children in the Care system and then has an abusive Partner, is usual, tbh.

OP, you need to be questioning this, making enquirers and making sure that your children are in no way at risk of harm, even by witnessing abusive behaviour.

You do have the legal right and legal duty, to do that.

Not sure if anyone has said this but it is worth remembering that abusive men target a certain type of partner. OP no disrespect to yourself. There is a very low likelihood of him changing his ways and this may be the start of another cycle which as a parent I think is a valid concern to bring up with SS regardless of her background. It is his past behaviour that needs focus on given his previous form.

I have so many clients whose ex's have been considered ok by a court to have unsupervised contact where that has changed once they are in a relationship that it's something not unusual to me.

Violent men are not considered a risk all the time because the risk mainly considered is the risk to the child and that risk is usually witnessing or getting caught up in a domestic abuse incident.

It's why a lot of children are on various safeguarding plans whilst their parents are in a relationship due to domestic abuse but if handover can be made safe and the parents break up the kids are considered to be perfectly ok going to the violent parent.

In my opinion he shouldn't have any contact at all with his children, as he has tried to strangle you in front of his daughter. That's not the kind of person who a child needs in their life. If it was anyone else apart fro the father you'd never see them again and certainly not let your kids near them. What a crap situation.

Needsa, that is really interesting and helpful, thank you. Who is the best person to approach to discuss this?
Solicitor? Or children's services?

It is just possible that the new gf has children in care because she has a history of selecting violent partners and that the OP's ex is just the last in a line.

It might be that one child lives with grandparents, the other 3 with dad..... Or some similar arrangement

Maybe they have different dads and are separated that way?

Who knows?

You always get 'social workers' on threads like these though.... Again, who knows?

Go with your gut instinct. Better to be safe than sorry imho.

It is just possible that the new gf has children in care because she has a history of selecting violent partners and that the OP's ex is just the last in a line.

This is what I was thinking.

These are my thoughts too.
They all have different dads, so it is not as 'simple' as divorce - dad gets custody... If you see what I mean.

Ultimately this is all speculation and she may well be fine. He's in the first throws of new relationship and on best behaviour,

But I still think j have a responsibility to my child to find out what has gone on before I blindly send him there

I would phone SS and ask if your child is at risk in your ex new gf care.

well I suppose op could call SS and report that there may be a possible safeguarding concern - based on hearsay and gossip...

but she has no idea whether or if the dc have been taken into care or what is the history. she has no evidence so far that the woman has been to court and had dc removed!

is there a record and police reference number for his strangling and dv of op? I hope you reported it op? pictures of bruising taken ? visit to GP or a and e? any evidence at all? otherwise you have no proof/evidence of dv.

if not reported at the time, then op has nothing to report and go on.

further, op has been happily sending ds to stay with the ex for more than two years (regardless of how much control and monitoring, a court will only see the facts - child has been staying with dad happily eow for more than two years)
were there reports written from nursery about dirty nappies and concern over the ds welfare? is there evidence?

I agree a toddler cannot report anything but op knows her ds and would see if ds came back very quiet or saying "daddy was shouting at the lady" etc.

cest
No, I didn't report to the police at time time.

I did work with an early intervention project for DV when I left though, and I have since reported anusive and threatening texts to the police - ones where he has threatened to kill me.

Again, I didn't go to Gp at the time, but I have been since and I am now on Prozac and diagnosed with post traumatic stress. I am having counselling because I still wake up at night with the nightmares.

I fucked up not leaving him sooner. I fucked up not reporting him to the police at the time like the whole of mumsnet told me to.

The nursery have reports from him sending him with no lunch and dirty, yes, of course they do. I also have a copy which is in my diary alongside any other documented concerns.

This thread is making me feel like even more of a shit mother than when I started. All I have ever tried to do is allow my child a relationship with ex whilst keeping him safe. But I'm the bad guy?

No you are not the bad guy - you've worked to maintain ds relationship with his dad. so on some level you trust ex with DS.

i get your concerns, I really do.

i also get not reporting it at the time - i didn't press charges against ex when i could have done as naively i thought he was getting help for his MH crisis which apparently prompted him to attack ds... not realizing it should have been left to cps to decide if he was "mad" or "bad" at the time...it would have made a big difference to what happened later with contact etc.and then a second crisis and him attacking dd.

but you have to be realistic as well

you could bring up the GP visits etc if you need to, if he takes you to court for child arrangements order - you will have ref number for your later report too.

you could speak to nursery safeguarding about your concerns. they can follow up with SS for you.

they can also look out for ds any signs of distress etc

but - all you have against this woman is some gossip and hearsay which may indicate she is a "bad" person.
you really don't know for sure.

you also have concerns that being in a relationship may trigger in your ex some violence, due to his past with you.

but that is all they are - concerns.

the reality is that until it [what ever it is going to be] actually happens there is little to go on.

you cant accuse someone of something they may do in the future...

if ex is happy to go along with your new arrangement then sure go ahead but your ds will be equally confused, possibly.

do talk to someone - your counsellor, the nursery safeguarding person etc. call SS and report a safeguarding concern if you wish but it might backfire... as nothing has actually happened [yet].

make a plan for what to do if something happens or DS seems distressed.

maybe talk it through with NSPCC helpline first, see what they advise.

but that is all they are - concerns.

Personally I wouldn't underestimate concerns or seek to minimise in this situation.

I wouldn't be worried about how it might be used against you in the future. As long as you approach it cooly and calmly and go through the proper channels, you should never fear raising concerns. If only more people did this than fearing potential consequences then a lot of situations might get nipped in the bud before they escalated.

I don't even know her full name, only her 'Facebook name'. I'll look like an idiot if I call SS.

indeed, reporting someone by their facebook name may not get you very far... but presumably the stepdaughter or other people can find out her full name and rough address...

a "concern" has to be somewhat concrete surely?

the concern is:

there is a woman around my child who i have heard from someone has had children taken away from her. i dont know her name. i dont know if what is said is true or not.

my ex was violent to me and i fear he may be violent again and my son will witness dv.

both legitimate concerns of course, but they are hypothetical. nothing has happenned to ds so far.

what would you like to happen next?

should police go warn him off doing something he hasn't done yet? police cant do anything I dont think - they cannot arrest someone for what they might do in the future...

should SS follow up eg go visit your ex? or look up files about this woman when you have no full name and the only evidence of potential harm (and you don't know that it means she presents a risk) is something you heard on the grapevine? .

if the solution is only supervised contact at his mum's and that is something he will agree to readily then of course you can go down that route.... do you trust his mum?

but ex could well go to court to go back to the status quo .

do we have to wait for an incident?
OP, please don't feel blamed, or be hard on yourself. Your instincts are to protect your child from a man who you do not trust, which for me is enough to question his behaviour.
Best not to focus on the new GF though.
I reckon if you have even some evidence of his previous behaviour it would be enough to at least seek advice from Childline or SS.
Did the nursery make a note of your child arriving dirty and without lunch? That is relevant.
Please don't feel bad. Please. You must do what you feel is best for you and your child. This is about breaking a cycle.

cest

You do know that te most major bit of legislation the UK has that protects children (and contact) actually specifies future risk of harm against children as a specific issue?

And that often future risk is assesed on a ballence of probability usually based on previous conduct.

Hooking up with a known violent offender (even without conviction) when you have kids and choosing to stay after being warned is a threshold issue in many many care successful order cases.

Op can you go back to the early intervention project and talk it over with an advisor there? There is no way they won't have appropriate safeguarding training and if they feel the concern is warrented they will do a hub referral that will help in the event that you need legal support.
DYI the criteria for legal aid has recently been extended so violence over 2 years ago with out police report is now able to be used as evidence for legal aid.
A letter of confirmation of support offered from a DA partnership is now acceptable evidence for the legal aid board so going that way may help you obtain free legal advice

My sister works in Probation and from what I recall they would alert new partners of men with previous DV about their record. Would that only apply to men charged with DV? Or did I muddle this up along the way? Is that what Clare's law addresses?

Wow don't they sound like a dream team. I'd be really concerned. I think everyone's right legally you can't do much. But in the event he/they step a foot out off line id be on it like a shot. I know this is a gamble you don't want to take. From what I've seen agency's like child services are more concerned with whom the child lives with and not so much who they don't. Having said all this it's really positive that you both have been able to communicate etc regarding your child. Hope it all turns out ok