Why does it seem more acceptable for men to go awol for the day

[Unicorn1981]

We are visiting family back where we are from. Last night I went for food with a mate but was back for midnight only two drinks. Dp took our dd to the park while I had a lie in so when he said he wanted to meet his brother in the pub for a couple of beers I was ok with it. Anyway I was going to bring dd to see his brother in the pub after visiting my parents. Called him and he said he is going into town with his brother and dad for a drinking session! So I'm with dd all day on my own! I don't mind in one way but there's no notice and it just seems ok for him to do this. Once I went shopping on my own for the afternoon and he moaned I'd left her with him all day. I can't see it's as acceptable for a woman to do this!

Acceptable according to who? I don't know anyone who would think that way?

I just don't know of anyone who says the woman goes out on an impromptu drinking session and leaves the man with the kid all day. I'm torn as to whether I should feel irritated or not. Especially as dd wanted to see his brother today.

I think this is a 'you' and 'him' thing rather than men and women in general.

Neither me or my DH have ever 'gone AWOL'. We normally communicate quite well.

But if they've simply swapped pubs for the one in town, why not bring your dd there?

He has told me where he's going. When I say awol I mean we hadn't planned for this to happen. It's whenever he gets with his dad and his brother. And his brother has just been dumped so I think it's something to do with that.

Because they won't be going to those kind of pubs and it'll just look like I'm following him around.

I have spoken to him and he said to just let him do it this once. And I've remembered he's looking after her all day next week while I go to my work summer party but it's just the whole it's ok we will just go off into town and carry on drinking with a complete lack of regard for how I might feel about it. I don't know whether to be irritated or not.

Plus he has to go to his new job tomorrow where we are relocating to and I'm terrified he'll be hungover and stink of alcohol.

You create your own boundaries. I think it's acceptable for both sexes to do this from time to time

So he's gone to give support to his brother who has just been dumped? Not really the kind of thing he can plan ahead for.

He's gone out this weekend. You went out last night and are going out next weekend. I think it would be fairly unreasonable to be irritated to be honest.

Well it sounds as if it is unacceptable to you, which is what is important, so what are your options now?

It's not that it's just that he has done it with no warning. All my things were planned in advance. And he's not given me any explanation just 'give me this day'. And we are moving house at the moment and had a crap day yesterday looking at them. I need him to keep a clear head to be honest.

God knows. I feel like going back home. I'm knackered anyway.

If you have a choice to be irritated or not (I don't know whether to be irritated or not) then choose not to be.

You have an established pattern of behaviour (it's whenever he gets with his dad or brother) and exceptional circumstances that his brother has been dumped.

You have a choice. Choose not to get upset. If you don't want this to happen in future then talk to him when sober about his choices.

Because he has a new job and we are looking for a new house. We have come here visiting people. I probably would feel annoyed if it wasn't drinking but the drinking means it will get out of control. He will come home at stupid o clock and be hungover at his new job. He's being unreliable

Good comment Nana. He's a brilliant dad and dp. I think I'm worrying when we move closer to home this will be a common recurrence.

Cross posting happening. Why do you need him to have a clear head?

What further explanation than "my brothers been dumped and needs support" is needed as to why he wants a pass?

What is this pass system anyway? He is an adult he makes his choices. You are an adult you make yours. Why is he asking for permission rather than weighing up what is needed for his family (brother and child) and then doing what is needed whilst seeing if you need something too? You are not his mum. Although it sounds like you are falling into that role (worrying over the impression he will make in a new job etc)

Ah drinking getting out of control on any night let alone a school night is never a good idea. You'd have thought he'd have learnt that by now.

That would annoy me more than him going out for longer than initially planned with his recently dumped brother.

I think this sounds far more and your relationship rather than a male-female thing. We both make sure we have time out on our own with our own friends. And sometimes it is at short notice. And that's fine, even if it is getting 'slightly on the tipsy side' because a friend has had a trauma and alcohol ends up being too much fun.

Getting sneakily pissed, unexpectedly, on a sunny afternoon with your friends is one of the joys of adulthood, surely?

How often does he do this? If you know it tends to happen when he sees his dad and brother, maybe you should plan that? So next time they meet up you mentally fit that in, and make sure you get some fun time over the weekend too.

So YABU to be annoyed at your DH drinking with his brother when he's been dumped but YANBU to be annoyed that you don't get fair shares of adult time.

Ok. He has a new job. I've given mine up making him the only wage earner. We need to find a house. He went for a couple of pints and we arranged to meet in a couple of hours. Dd wanted to see his brother so I call dp. He said actually I'm going to stay out and my dads coming too. We're going to have a session. So this is annoying because I hadn't planned for this, I feel he has a total lack of respect for anything I had planned and now I'm looking after dd by myself all day. As for the work thing. He has to go to his new job in new office for the first time tomorrow after a day of drinking. I don't think that's a good idea seeing as we need his wage and we also have the added worry that every house we looked at yesterday wasn't nice. I have to look at more houses tomorrow with dd in tow. So my issue is I was hoping we'd have a nice day together today chilled out before the serious stuff starts again tomorrow. Dd keeps asking to see the family members he is currently out drinking with. It wasn't planned.