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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think my husband is sabotaging DD being dry at night?

47 replies

bets79 · 01/07/2016 12:46

DD is nearly 5. Thought it would be a good idea to get rid of her night nappy, bought loads of bedding, pyjamas etc, got a star chart and she was excited to go to bed without a nappy.

In the first week had 3 nights where she was dry all night, on the other nights she had used the potty but wet the bed too.

Was happily persevering with her. Had 3 dry nights in a row but just found out lovely husband has being putting her on the toilet before he comes to bed.

Feeling frustrated at him, is this dragging out the process of her doing it herself?

OP posts:
AlwaysDancing1234 · 01/07/2016 12:47

Maybe he just has other ideas or has read somethong that says this is the right thing to do. Doesn't sound deliberate. Maybe have a chat and agree on a strategy.

swashbucklecheer · 01/07/2016 12:49

My ds 5 has been dry at night for a couple of years now bar the odd accident. We lift him every night before we go to bed. I don't see it as a problem

AGruffaloCrumble · 01/07/2016 12:51

We do that and DD is dry and night. I don't see a problem with it at all.

humblesims · 01/07/2016 12:51

I think its a good idea. She will learn just as quickly and you will have less laundry.

pigsDOfly · 01/07/2016 12:55

If I remember correctly, what your DH is doing was the advice given when my DCs were being night trained a very long time ago.

She'll be dry when she's able to control her bladder all night not before. Honestly can't see that getting her to wee before he goes to bed is going to sabotage anything but if she wakes up in the morning with a dry bed because he's taken her to wee before he goes to sleep surely that'll make her feel more positive and confident about the whole process.

NannyR · 01/07/2016 12:57

Lifting is a good way of ensuring the bed stays dry, but that's not same as the child learning to recognise when they need to go and wake up of their own accord.

If you lift, it's important that you make sure the child is awake and aware, if they are still drowsy/half asleep you are reinforcing the idea that weeing whilst asleep is ok.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 01/07/2016 12:58

He gets to decide how he wishes to help with your shared childs nighttime wetting.

It is a technique a lot of people have used and still do.

You are not the lead parent and you are not in charge

K425 · 01/07/2016 12:59

If it helps, two things need to happen before a child can be dry at night.
First, their brain needs to be aware of the full bladder while asleep, which can take a while.
Second, they need to be producing the hormone that regulates production of urine at night.
If only one of those conditions has been met, the likelihood is that the child will not be dry at night. Even if she's being taken to the loo during the night.

My son was around 7 when he was finally, consistently, dry at night. We made sure not to make a big deal about it, because it isn't a big deal. What we did find helped us was giving DS the option of pull-ups or not, good quality mattress protector, using incontinence pads on the bed , and making layers of pads and sheets, so that if he did wet the bed we could remove one sheet and pad, and go back to bed.

Even when he was dry we kept the protective sheet on the bed for some time, just in case!

RiverTam · 01/07/2016 13:00

You can't train a child to be dry at night, they have to have developed a certain hormone before it's possible. So ditch the star charts for a start.

CrushedVelvet · 01/07/2016 13:01

We used lifting to great effect with DS. We took him to the loo at our bedtime every night for 6 months, then with his agreement stopped. He's been dry ever since. We did make sure we woke him, though - made him walk to the loo.

sixinabed · 01/07/2016 13:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

gerbo · 01/07/2016 13:14

K425 - what a good idea! My son (6) isn't dry yet and I had haven't heard of layering sheets and pads before. I'll borrow that idea.

Agree re the star charts - they are for things the child has a choice about, ie behaviour.

Health visitor told me not to worry re my ds being wet still, as until a certain hormone is produced and released in the brain, children when asleep have no control over wetness. It's physiological. You could be setting her up to feel she has failed when she can't help wetting.

100milesanhour · 01/07/2016 13:16

Gerbo - I have a protective sheet and bed sheet over that then another protective sheet and another bed sheet over that so if my son does have an accident then I pull off the top 2 and there's dry, clean sheets underneath.

Whyisitsodifficult · 01/07/2016 13:23

I agree with the others who say you can't train for this. It isn't the same as day time toilet training. Put her back in pull ups, wait until she is dry for 7 consecutive days then give it another go. Poor kid she can't control it if her body isn't ready regardless of what incentive you give her! One of mine was 3 the other was nearly 7 it really shouldn't be an issue.

waitingforsomething · 01/07/2016 13:25

He sounds like he's trying to help rather than sabotage. It was the advice some time ago which perhaps he doesn't realise, but more recent research shows that it's hormone controlled anyway. I wouldn't be annoyed but you both need to agree a strategy if you're pushing the nighttime dryness now.

DD was dry at night very suddenly age just over 3, 7 months after being dry in the day. She suddenly woke up around 11pm for a wee a couple of nights (I guess her brain and bladder finally connected in her sleep!) then she slept through without a wee after that. No accidents, we never lifted her as she's a very heavy sleeper. She wet from wet to dry by herself and very suddenly.

gerbo · 01/07/2016 13:25

Great ideas, thank you!

OP maybe you should sit and have a chat with dh about this and agree a strategy you agree on? A council of war?! I would think it makes sense to be on exactly the same page and tackle it together.

For what it's worth my older dd was dry at just 4; we lifted her at our bedtime for around six months, not a hassle at all, and she was then dry theough the night. We forgot once, and she was actually dry, so we stopped lifting.

I do feel sad though when I hear parents making a big deal about bed wetting, as if it's the child or parents fault. As i said, it's physiological.

AnnaMarlowe · 01/07/2016 13:40

We have twins. One was reliably dry from 3, the other took until 7.5 yo. We did the same things with each child.

moomoogalicious · 01/07/2016 13:43

What's wrong with that? We did the same - meant we could go without night time nappies/changing sheets etc

3littlefrogs · 01/07/2016 13:46

We always lifted our DC just before we went to bed ourselves.

They went to bed around 7-8pm - no way could a small child's bladder go 11 or 12 hours without needing to empty. I thought everyone lifted their DC.

I always made sure they woke up enough to know what was happening - so not encouraged to wee in their sleep, IYSWIM.

Original poster
bets79 · 01/07/2016 13:48

Am not making a big deal, thought her nappies had been dry for a couple of weeks. Turned out she was putting a fresh one on occasionally in the morning and going back to bed (found a stash of wet nappies 😂)
Was using stars to monitor as she is sneaky!
DD doesn't want to use pull ups, the expensive ones give her a rash and the own brands are a bit too snug.
She is in bunk beds so just hops up a bunk if wet, no big deal and not upset when wet, just one of those things.
Will continue with lifting for a while til the hormones kick in, thanks for sharing x

OP posts:
Branleuse · 01/07/2016 13:49

its a perfectly normal way of doing it

ThinkPinkStink · 01/07/2016 14:06

You can't train a child to be dry at night, they have to have developed a certain hormone before it's possible. So ditch the star charts for a start.

^ this.

Star charts give entirely the wrong impression, the impression that somehow she can choose to be 'dry' and that, conversely, she is being obstructive or 'naughty' by not choosing to be dry.

I was a late bed wetter (7 or 8) my parents would lift me every night to (usually) stop accidents. I would have found it very upsetting if anyone had suggested that I was somehow bad or not-deserving of a star because I had, through no fault of my own, pee'd the bed.

DD hiding wet nappies doesn't make her sound 'sneaky' it makes her sound shamed. Please be careful with shame, it can really stick with you.

nannybeach · 01/07/2016 14:07

You are lucky things are so much more relaxed nowdays, when I had my kids 30-40 years ago, they would be expected to be out of nappies at night by 3! Mind you, they were, were kids different in those days?

ThinkPinkStink · 01/07/2016 14:07

Sorry if that sounds sniffy - I don't mean it to, I just know that even for the bravest little girl, bed wetting has the potential to make you feel grubby and ashamed.

Diamondangel8 · 01/07/2016 14:09

Can I just ask what reason would be behind your dh deliberately sabotaging your daughter being dry? Cannot understand what you are thinking!