AIBU to think my husband is sabotaging DD being dry at night?

[bets79]

DD is nearly 5. Thought it would be a good idea to get rid of her night nappy, bought loads of bedding, pyjamas etc, got a star chart and she was excited to go to bed without a nappy.

In the first week had 3 nights where she was dry all night, on the other nights she had used the potty but wet the bed too.

Was happily persevering with her. Had 3 dry nights in a row but just found out lovely husband has being putting her on the toilet before he comes to bed.

Feeling frustrated at him, is this dragging out the process of her doing it herself?

I think your dh is trying to help, not sabotage. Lots of people lift their children to avoid wet beds.

No nannybeach they just wet the bed more.

I think today's way of doing it, with pull ups, lifting, whatever, saves both washing and humiliation for the child.

My mil often talks about how my brother in law had a 'problem' at night and wet the bed every night for 3 YEARS. Imagine how much happier they would all have been if mil has just left him in a nappy till he was biologically ready.

I want to comment about the star charts. Maybe they work for some children, I don't know.

When I was little, I wet the bed, pretty much every night. No amount of star charts or bribery would have changed that, because I could not control it. I hated it, and was ashamed, and didn't want to stay at friends' houses because of it.

It turned out that I had a problem with a valve in the tube between my kidney and bladder. There was no way I could have controlled this. As I got older, about 7, I had a few infections to do with this, and one very bad one. I recovered from the last infection, and somehow never wet the bed again. I don't know if the strong antibiotics that I had did something, or whether the problem fixed itself anyway.

To all the parents whose children wet the bed, please be patient, they are not doing it because they are lazy, perhaps they have no control over it at all.

Yes, it the point is that you can't train a child to be dry at night, so the start charts are meaningless and give the impression to the child that they can earn a star, that it's in their control. It isn't.

I wonder if she is being 'sneaky' hiding her wet nappies because she feels like she's failed if she wets the bed.

She'll be really when she's ready.

My DD1 wasn't properly dry until 7. Its hormonal not lack of control.

Enuresis clinic advice was lots to drink during the day, but not after 6.30. Loo before bed. And be patient until they grow out of it - which most will.

Layering up the sheets/waterproofs is a great idea - and it meant DD could take the sheets off herself and deal with it herself, which made everything very normal for her.

We made sure being wet was never a problem - just something that happened and was normal. Eventually a few dry nights started, and then more and more and then no more wet nights. I did wash an awful lots of sheets/waterproofs before then though. I would not have used a sticker chart for reasons expressed up thread. We also didn't praise HER for having a dry night either - because it's nothing in her control. As a result she never had a complex about it at all - though she did comment a couple of times how her 3yo sister didn't wet the bed and she did.

In contrast DD2 was dry at night before she was toilet trained - from about 18 months.

DD1 was given an NHS booklet about it, aimed at children which she found very helpful.

After about 4 DD couldn't wear the pull ups as they gave her a dreadful rash. She is a very heavy sleeper so would lie in them wet for too long - not nice. Without the night pullups she was more inclined to wake, strip the top layer off, and go back to sleep.

Lots of people I know have used the lifting technique - saves some washing at least. I was very lucky in that my dd decided not to wear a nappy at nights a couple of weeks after she'd day trained at 2 and a quarter. We've only ever had one wet bed when she was poorly. Since I certainly didn't "try" and train her I totally buy into it being hormone driven and nothing you can impact.

(Feel I may get a shock when it's dd2 turn!)

We lifted DD. And I still do it (she's nearly 5) if she's had gallons to drink before bedtime. It's fine.

We were told by the Enuresis clinic not to lift, as it doesn't help a child figure out when they need to go.

There are a combination of things that can lead to late night dryness, and most children have a combination of them.

There is a hormone that tells your kidneys to reduce making wee in the night when you are asleep, which needs to kick in and is delayed in some kids; Some children sleep so deeply that they don't realise their bladder is full; and for some, the bladder isn't as big as it should be so can't hold a night's wee. For most children (like DS!) it's a bit of everything, and nothing they are wilfully doing at all.

Lifting doesn't help with any of these things, it just reduces the washing! Which is fine but it's unlikely to help if the child actually has any of the above issues. We found the alarm was the answer in the end; desmopressin (a hormone that reduces the amount of wee produced) helped a bit, but a few weeks of the alarm (which sounds when it gets wet, so the child is awoken and gets out of bed to wee - different to lifting as they learn to figure out their body's 'i need to wee" signal) seems to have largely solved things.

Drinking plenty during the day but stopping at least an hour before bed is recommended too and is really noticeable here - on footie days where he drinks loads until late he's still more likely to have an accident.

Husband didn't tell me he was going to lift her and I didn't realise for a few days.
Really wasnt bothered about changing bedding, cleaning DD up during the night.
She shares her room with DS and frequently wake each other up. Always send her for a wee when this happens. She doesn't drink anything for an hour before bed and has been dry.
Sabotage was perhaps the wrong word but now I don't know if she is dry.

Before we went to bed we used to lift a dd of around that age every night. She was such a very sound sleeper that it was the only way to avoid accidents. She would sleep through the whole procedure.

In many cases I think it's the sensible thing to do - far better than having them upset and ashamed of accidents, when it's obviously not the case that they are choosing to wet the bed.

As she got a little older dd no longer needed this help to stay dry at night.

We did this with all 3 of ours, it was the done thing to encourage them to be dry at night by aged 3.
it worked for ours.

Neither lifting nor star charts will help a child be dry during the night. If anything, they are both counter-productive.
Why have you even decided that she should be dry at night?
It's a developmental stage that will happen when the child is ready.

DD had been at the GP for another issue and referred to specialist. GP said to mention DD was still in nappies at night. Specialist said she is too young for training with alarms and stuff but did tell me to use star charts.
I'd never posted on here before, it has been an exercise in 'look through all the comments and pick a reply that makes you happy and try not to be offended by others' 😂😂
Thanks for your input, over and out.

A star chart for being dry at night? Can't imagine a child peeing all over themselves on purpose!

Totally agree with PatriciaHolm

We've also seen a continence nurse and this was the advice as well (we have an ongoing issue with my eldest - other two didn't have any trouble).

Am not making a big deal, thought her nappies had been dry for a couple of weeks. Turned out she was putting a fresh one on occasionally in the morning and going back to bed (found a stash of wet nappies 😂)Was using stars to monitor as she is sneaky!

Well, regardless of when she'll be dry, she is a clever child!

Since she is apparently smart enough to manage this on her own, this is not really your problem any more, right? She puts on a dry nappy in the evening, she throws away the wet nappy in the morning, and when she's ready, she can ditch the nappies. No work for you.

I don't think you really have to motivate children to not wet the bad. When they start school, they'll have a motivation to want to be able to stay at friends' houses for a night.

Thanks Vestal Virgin, DD is a very bright, happy child. She isnt bothered if she is wet or not, too lazy to get up sometimes!
Husband was always the issue. Just heard him asking my DD if she can go to the toilet without his help tonight. Was a bit peeved. I said we won't know if she is dry until she is left to do it herself, he just said she can't do it 😡😡 😡

Well that's exactly what I did with both of mine at about 2and a half. And both managed to learn quick without too many wet beds. Standard thing to do. Be grateful he gives a shit

Well that's exactly what I did with both of mine at about 2and a half. And both managed to learn quick without too many wet beds. Standard thing to do. Be grateful he gives a shit