To not want a deadline for my night out

[Asuitablemum]

My dh was meant to be away this weekend and so I planned to go out tomorrow night for dinner, for my birthday. Booked sitter etc. He is very stressed now about brexit and possible future job uncertainty. As well as some additional normal stresses at work with personnel changes etc. Plus we're a bit tired as dtoddler has been waking up this week. I get up but it disturbs him. So he liked the sound of my night out, can't be arsed to trek for his friend and has cancelled night away. Now coming with me. All lovely and dandy.

Only tonight...'what time will we be back on sat, don't want it to be a late one, will we be back about 10?'. Cue big argument. I just want to go out and enjoy dinner with my friends for my birthday without a deadline.
Maybe everyone will rush off for sitters at 9.30. Or maybe we'll get coffees, sevice will be slow etc and we'll leave at 12. We don't go out that often. (Though we do have a holiday coming up soon).

Apparently this makes me massively unsupportive in one of the 'most difficult weeks of my life'. He needs lots of sleep to cope. He can't leave early as it would look really weird. So annoying plus in the argument he then got all patronising, making out that I'm just in this wonderful children bubble while he has the weight of the world on his shoulders. If you've made it this far Aibu? Should I compromise and agree to book a taxi for 10.30 or something?

Agree he'll spoil the night if he goes. I would gently suggest that he has a nice relaxing evening and an early night.

Do your friends even want home to come? Do you want him to be there??

Thanks all. Sad in a way that no one thinks I'm unreasonable and actually he is an unusually selfish dh. Which I knew really anyway. Going to insist he lets me stay until the night is finished.

Extra hot latte I think that's quite astute and I should do that. It feels like there is always something whereas ive gone through pregnancy, newborn stage plus other life events etc without any drama or much special treatment.

Going to insist he lets me stay until the night is finished.

Lets?

LETS?

There is no easy way to say this, but you need to get yourself to your solicitor and get this man out of your life as soon as possible - he is controlling and is already impacting on your thoughts and the things yuo are willing to see as acceptable.

I agree a better choice of words would be "tell him I'm staying" rather than "make sure he let's me"

What else do you have to get his permission for? And it's sad that you are sad. Have your eyes been opened a bit op? How equal is you relationship generally? Is it only harmonious most of the time because you are the one giving whilst he is taking?

So looking back at the op, did you only decide to have a night out because he would be away?

Does he have "form" for creating drama when you want to do something without him?

Why do you think he gets to LET you do anything ?

Make it very clear to him that he made the choice to change his plans and you will be doing what you planned regardless.
If he doesn't like it he can fucking lump it.
Let you stay to the end?? OP just stay out as long as you want and stand firm. It's YOUR birthday treat out, not his and he is being a miserable arsehole!! 😡

Happy Birthday

Agree with everyone else he's a twat. He doesn't 'let' you go out, you go out because you can and want to.
How humiliating if you had to tell your friends you have to leave your own birthday celebrations early.
Are you sure he didn't cancel his thing because he knew you were going out?

Oh and happy birthday!!!

You're not joined at the hip! Surely you can both go home when you are ready. If he wants to leave earlier he can.

If he doesn't want to go home alone then in this house he would be told to man the fuck up princess (used by both DP and I). It's your birthday so enjoy it 🎂

I feel for you op I would not like this either, esp on a rare night out.

Sounds like he really wants to rub your nose in his misery people like this annoy me.

Having read the OP again I can see all sorts of about it.

He is very stressed now about brexit and possible future job uncertainty.
Ok I'll give him this. If his job is genuinely under threat I can appreciate that is stressful. I don't see that it's relevant to the meal out or arrangements for coming home in any way, but I can sympathise with him on the job score.

As well as some additional normal stresses at work with personnel changes etc.
Tenuous attention seeking on his part. That's work for you.

Plus we're a bit tired as dtoddler has been waking up this week.
That's parenthood for you. But not for him. He doesn't deal with it.

I get up but it disturbs him.

Cue big argument. I just want to go out and enjoy dinner with my friends for my birthday without a deadline.
Cue big argument? That's where this gets dark. Why a big argument? There is no grief in this scenario unless you're a piece of work who has invited yourself along to someone else's night out with the intention of running and ruining it. Seems an odd thing to kick off about.

Apparently this makes me massively unsupportive in one of the 'most difficult weeks of my life'.
So he's insistent huh? Your birthday isn't about you any more, it's about him...and if you don't comply it's because there's something wrong with you and you're not nice. Ouch.
There isn't enough fuck or off to convey what I think about that.

in the argument he then got all patronising, making out that I'm just in this wonderful children bubble while he has the weight of the world on his shoulders
Yes he's much more important than you. You forgot that didn't you? Taxi for 10 it is.

As well as all the other stuff...flaking out on his mate to come and loom over your plans instead. Being obstructive about leaving on his own. Fighting for his right to take charge of your event and arrange it to suit his own agenda. Guilt tripping, emotional blackmail. Ugh! Just fuck the fuck off!

Maintain your cool. Now is the time to tell him no. You will be staying out until the night is finished. He is free to go home, citing an excuse or telling the truth or simply saying goodnight, whenever he pleases.
If he continues to make an issue out of this then I'm afraid to say you have got a problem on your hands.
I'll be honest and say I don't like the sound of him at all. You on the other hand, sound really nice. xx

Now I've got that out I can get on. This one has really niggled me. We can all be an arse about things at times...but if he keeps on about this, then the arsery is absolute. I'd be considering my options.

Great precis, pictish.

Fantastic post pictish!

Agree with most of what is above but a few thoughts:

1. He's making out he's a Big Man with Real World Responsibilities but his principal worry is that leaving earlier than you would "look weird" to your friends? A Proper Adult would not give a toss about what your friends though. I suspect actually that the "look weird" thing is bollocks and he just wants to drag you home with him.

1. whether or not pre-booking taxis is normal depends on where you live, where you are going out and how easy it is to get transport home eg is there also a bus or train option? How long is the journey?

1. It's a weekend night so needing to get to bed early is lame. What he is really concerned about is that you will stay out late and/or get hammered and then he'll be stuck looking after your toddler in the morning while you have the lie in that he really wants to have.

1. He's a patronising twat re you not understanding the pressure he's under. Cos of course it would not matter at all to you if he lost his job would it?

If he needs lots of sleep for him to cope & leaving early would be weird, best all round if he just stays home & has an early night.

I also don't think that it is lovely that he has thrown over his friend for you either.

Or does he think that having made plans to be away for your birthday you should now be daning for joy that he has cancelled them to join you?

Thanks for all the views esp. Pictish for your replies and thoughts. It is such a silly thing, so easy for him to argue that it's just an hour and important to him and me to cave in, but it is the principal of it. I think he takes the view that whilst I will get presents etc, now that we're older birthdays aren't such a big deal and are a bit irrelevant. So when I said, 'well it is my birthday', he rolled his eyes or similar and said well we're going on holiday soon and you've been going out loads. He even tried to use an example of me going out for an hour and a half to a new parents welcome meeting to back up 'me going out loads', (clearly clutching at straws) I said 'it was important for school' and he said 'I know but you wanted to go '. I think he knew he had lost that one

So if you want to leave the house for any reason, even to do a job, then he gets to stop you going out to socialise?

Why isn't he happy for you to do things that make you happy?

It may look weird for you to go out separately, but it will look even weirder if he stops you having a dessert/coffee and drags you away at 10pm on an event to celebrate on your birthday.

I sympathise with his desire to have an early night, I really do, but he has to agree to either not come, he goes early with no fuss when he gets tired, using babysitter as an excuse or he goes and stays willingly until you want to go.

It's hardly princessy behaviour to want to stay out past 10pm on a weekend night when you're out for dinner to celebrate your birthday.

He's not even supposed to be here sticking his oar in-he's supposed to be away for the weekend!

After deciding not to do that, why does that mean he gets to ruin have any say at all in your night out?