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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want a deadline for my night out

116 replies

Asuitablemum · 30/06/2016 22:43

My dh was meant to be away this weekend and so I planned to go out tomorrow night for dinner, for my birthday. Booked sitter etc. He is very stressed now about brexit and possible future job uncertainty. As well as some additional normal stresses at work with personnel changes etc. Plus we're a bit tired as dtoddler has been waking up this week. I get up but it disturbs him. So he liked the sound of my night out, can't be arsed to trek for his friend and has cancelled night away. Now coming with me. All lovely and dandy.

Only tonight...'what time will we be back on sat, don't want it to be a late one, will we be back about 10?'. Cue big argument. I just want to go out and enjoy dinner with my friends for my birthday without a deadline.
Maybe everyone will rush off for sitters at 9.30. Or maybe we'll get coffees, sevice will be slow etc and we'll leave at 12. We don't go out that often. (Though we do have a holiday coming up soon).

Apparently this makes me massively unsupportive in one of the 'most difficult weeks of my life'. He needs lots of sleep to cope. He can't leave early as it would look really weird. So annoying plus in the argument he then got all patronising, making out that I'm just in this wonderful children bubble while he has the weight of the world on his shoulders. If you've made it this far Aibu? Should I compromise and agree to book a taxi for 10.30 or something?

OP posts:
JassyRadlett · 01/07/2016 06:03

He was really convinced it is standard

If it were standard, Uber wouldn't exist.

PenelopeChipShop · 01/07/2016 06:49

Fwiw I definitely wouldn't think it was odd if couples left at different times, particularly if they had small kids. The babysitter excuse is perfect - he could just say she needs to get home by x hour and he's leaving so you can enjoy the rest of your birthday with your mates! I think you're right he does over think things!! And he's over estimating how much any one else cares what he does!

Huldra · 01/07/2016 07:03

It's normal for couples to arrive and leave together.
It's normal for couoles to leave ar seperate times.
It's normal to pre book a taxi.
It's normal to not pre book one.

He can pre book his taxi using the excuse that he needs to get back for the babysitter. When he goes he can make a fuss about you staying and enjoying the rest of the night and everyone will go Ahhh.

Kr1stina · 01/07/2016 07:12

He sounds like a right pain in the arse

Is he normally this controlling and selfish ?

Sandyclaus · 01/07/2016 07:14

I had a friend like this -'I'll go out but it can't be a late one!' - drove me mad. We were single with no ties / responsibilities / work the next day - they were controlling.

Not suggesting your dh is controlling btw - prob just tired and set in his ways.

Stay out as long as you like - it's your birthday ! But remind him - he's an adult and can go home whenever he likes Wink

Sgtmajormummy · 01/07/2016 07:19

What time have you booked the babysitter until?
That's how long you had expected to stay out.
Non argument.

The timekeeping thing is work stress spilling over into home life. It's extremely annoying for the person who isn't used to liaising much with others over times (like a SAHM) but it can be quite obsessing when you work in a "time is money" situation.

Peace and love, folks.
And Happy Birthday, OP.

orangebird69 · 01/07/2016 07:20

My dh nearly always leaves before me if he comes out at all, lightweight. I prefer it of he doesn't come unless it's a particularly couple-y evening tbh.

TheNaze73 · 01/07/2016 07:22

He sounds like hard work

heron98 · 01/07/2016 07:29

DP and I always leave at different times. I am quite happy to leave at midnight, whereas he is a 3am kind of guy! No one bats and eyelid.

user1465823522 · 01/07/2016 07:39

wow. even my mother don't want a deadline for when I come home and I haven't had to account for my time since I was a teenager - I'd be really upset at a partner asking. It's very controlling.

KP86 · 01/07/2016 07:41

Go for an uber, which you can't book in advance. Kills that argument!

Plus, if you've never used them before, you can claim £15 off your first ride.

trafalgargal · 01/07/2016 07:48

And if you get a friend to refer you you BOTH get a free ride

pictish · 01/07/2016 07:51

That he wants to go home early from the night out he has invited himself along to is fine. That he would pressure you to go home early too is not. That he's had a bad working week is a shame. That he would gatecrash your birthday night out and cut it short to indulge him over it, is a bag of self important, controlling toss.
He is not more important than you.

44PumpLane · 01/07/2016 07:52

Me and DH often arrive and leave at different times to nights out- we tend to have a lot going on with work and socially so it's just easier to be flexible like that.

If I'm tired or had a hard week I'll go home early, no excuses needed with friends, a simple "sorry guys, I'm knackered" suffices!

As to dinner, I was out on Tuesday and with work the next day thought it'd be an early one. At table for 7, finished food and drinks for 9.20 (no pud) having such a fab night out went on for a drink in another bar. Then when some of the team went on to bar 2, I left with another friend and we drove home (we'd been on softies) and I got in 11.30- that was a tame work do that was just too fun to want to leave!

Your DH is being a dick!

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 01/07/2016 07:53

Gosh. I get that it's your birthday and maybe he thought it would be a nice thing to join in on your birthday, but he didn't really, did he. It's all about HIM. HE didn't feel like going out on his own thing because HE's tired; HE wants an early night because HE needs his sleep and it's been a really tough week for HIM - sorry, whose birthday again?

In all honesty, if he can't pull his head out of his arse and decide to loosen up, I'd tell him straight he can just stay at home and look after the DC instead, because you'll have a better time without him if he's going to have that attitude all through the evening!

JapanNextYear · 01/07/2016 07:55

I've often gone home early and left DH out. I'm like a dormouse and want to be in bed by 11, him, not so much. It works. It helps that we live close to town so I'm home in a 20 min walk. Sometimes he 'll leave early.

If someone else's DP went home early because they were knackered/babysitter I wouldn't give it a second thought.

Only time I pre book taxi is when I know it's going to be hard to get one or I want an excuse to leave early.

Goingtobeawesome · 01/07/2016 07:55

How sad that you need to make "him feel like a hero" to get a nice night out for your birthday.

Did you marry a non adult by mistake?

pictish · 01/07/2016 08:01

I agree...that he needs to be manipulated by praise and looking heroic in order to let you do your own thing on your own night out is pretty pathetic.
Just tell him...if you want to go, bloody go.

VertiginousOust · 01/07/2016 08:01

I'm generally the exhausted one in our house and sometimes I've left early but more often than not tbh my DH comes home with me. There are complications though, as my tiredness is due to an illness and we live in the middle of nowhere so taxis are generally hard to come by and pre-booked.

Goingtobeawesome · 01/07/2016 08:01

It's irrelevant it's your birthday. He isn't your father and you aren't a toddler. He doesn't get to say what time you have to leave the park.

dowhatnow · 01/07/2016 08:06

Another one with a lightweight husband who can't do late nights or drink much. He toddles off home when he's ready and I stagger back much later.

PovertyPain · 01/07/2016 08:08

You know he's going to ruin your night anyway, OP? He'll be sitting there looking like he's chewing a wasp and moaning about his week and how tired he is, but of course he couldn't let you down, but it's ok because you will be leaving early...bla bla. He'll completely ruin the atmosphere.

NickyEds · 01/07/2016 08:14

He sounds like very hard work. I would absolutely hate to be told I have to set a deadline on a night out. I usually tell dp that I'll be home by morning! I suppose it might look a bit odd in a restaurant if he left early, if for instance everyone else was just about to order dessert when he just upped and left but Tbh the are your mates and you have kids so you just have to say that he needs to be back and it would be fine. I personally would rather someone didn't come if they were going to be clock watching g all night though.

I wouldn't usually pre book a cab unless we were at a wedding gift in the middle of nowhere.

If I went to a restaurant at 8 I suppose I'd expect to be finished for between 10 and 11. If we finished at 10 I wouldn't go home though, my piss head friends would almost certainly go to the pub after! Tbh at the moment our kids are little so me and dp don't both drink unless my sister's having the dc over night, so most nights out are just one or other of us.

ExtraHotLatteToGo · 01/07/2016 08:22

What a twat. He's spoiling your night out before you've even got out of the door!

Stop pandering to him. If you carry on like this you're in for a lifetime of misery. Have words about his Deep Doom over everything v Your Resiliance and tell him you won't stand for being told you don't understand/care etc simply because you don't turn everything into a catastrophe. Tell him if he carries on like this it will turn into a marriage deal breaker.

Tell him unless he sorts himself out before then, he's not welcome to come because he'll spoil your night out. He either comes with goid Grace or not at all.

Being home by 10pm, when you're not meeting until 8 is pretty ridiculous anyway. As is pre ordering a taxi when you don't need to.

diddl · 01/07/2016 08:27

I'd tell him that he's not invited as he sounds as if he'll spoil the night!