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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want a deadline for my night out

116 replies

Asuitablemum · 30/06/2016 22:43

My dh was meant to be away this weekend and so I planned to go out tomorrow night for dinner, for my birthday. Booked sitter etc. He is very stressed now about brexit and possible future job uncertainty. As well as some additional normal stresses at work with personnel changes etc. Plus we're a bit tired as dtoddler has been waking up this week. I get up but it disturbs him. So he liked the sound of my night out, can't be arsed to trek for his friend and has cancelled night away. Now coming with me. All lovely and dandy.

Only tonight...'what time will we be back on sat, don't want it to be a late one, will we be back about 10?'. Cue big argument. I just want to go out and enjoy dinner with my friends for my birthday without a deadline.
Maybe everyone will rush off for sitters at 9.30. Or maybe we'll get coffees, sevice will be slow etc and we'll leave at 12. We don't go out that often. (Though we do have a holiday coming up soon).

Apparently this makes me massively unsupportive in one of the 'most difficult weeks of my life'. He needs lots of sleep to cope. He can't leave early as it would look really weird. So annoying plus in the argument he then got all patronising, making out that I'm just in this wonderful children bubble while he has the weight of the world on his shoulders. If you've made it this far Aibu? Should I compromise and agree to book a taxi for 10.30 or something?

OP posts:
trafalgargal · 30/06/2016 23:15

It's your birthday so you can't leave early as people are there for you but you have no problem with him using the sitter excuse and everyone will think he's fab for NOT wanting to spoil your birthday just because the sitter can't stay late.

Would that fly for him ?

Original poster
Asuitablemum · 30/06/2016 23:19

Definitely going to float that one past him. Make him look the hero. Maybe he'll go for it. Glad mum's net say iabr, I wasn't sure.

OP posts:
KissMyArse · 30/06/2016 23:24

Book a taxi and if things are still going strong with you and your friends then cheerily wave him off in it when it arrives. Use the babysitter excuse if necessary.

Just because he's had a difficult week (haven't we all at this point) that's no excuse to fuck up your birthday plans.

Flywheel · 30/06/2016 23:25

Standard in my circle for one person to leave early to relieve babysitter and one to stay on if it's going to be a late night. I wouldn't even raise an eyebrow

Original poster
Asuitablemum · 30/06/2016 23:29

It's not even going to be a particularly late night. Just the restaurant then home. What time would you expect leave from a fri night dinner with friends at 8pm?

OP posts:
serin · 30/06/2016 23:34

Are you Sam Cam? If so I would say ok he is NBU and probably needs an early night and time to reflect on what he has done.

Otherwise he is BU, it's your birthday and he can't gatecrash and then call the shots.

NightWanderer · 30/06/2016 23:41

It's all a bit weird. They're your friends, it's fine to say that DH had a long week and is tired so heading home early. It really isn't a big deal. Would you be shocked or offended if one of your friend's husbands said that?

Just tell him, it's your birthday, you're looking forward to a fun night out and plan on staying out late. He can either come and leave early or not come. It's up to him but him having a bad week doesn't give him a right to spoil your night out and your birthday. He's being a twat about this. Tell him I said so!

Original poster
Asuitablemum · 30/06/2016 23:46

Yes I'm Sam cam Wink! Haha yes he's being a twat. He changed plans I think because he felt obliged to go to other thing rather than reply wanting too and then with the stress and my night sounding fun, he pulled out. Also annoying that if I was staying in on my own, he'd probably be at his other party and I could dance (or eat more likely) the night away. Not that I really care about my birthday but seems ironic.

OP posts:
highlandcoo · 30/06/2016 23:48

What trafalgargal said. You can't ask your friends out for a meal then bugger off home early can you? If he feels he needs a reason the babysitter one is a good one. Or he could just be honest and say it's been a tough week .. why not?

I sympathise though, as my dh seems to be of the same opinion of yours - that a couple has to arrive and leave together at all times - but it doesn't make sense. I like chatting and staying up late much more than him. We've had rows about it in the past, after evenings where we get home late (maybe from dinner with friends) and I think we've had a great time but apparently he's been sitting there longing to get home for the last couple of hours, and I am supposed to magically divine that apparently Hmm Now he tries to get me to agree to a leaving time in advance before we go out. But how do you know when you want to leave before you see what sort of night it turns out to be? Still working towards sorting this one out.

DoinItFine · 30/06/2016 23:48

He's being a controlling arse.

All his excuses basically boil down to wanting to impose a curfew on you.

KayTee87 · 30/06/2016 23:58

I would only ever pre book a taxi if i thought it was going to be a bit of a boring night, maybe a party I had to go to but wasn't really feeling it (have done it twice since being pregnant) would never do it for a night out I was looking forward to. Also a couple of times DH and I have gone home at different times - don't see the problem with that you are two separate people after all.

HicDraconis · 01/07/2016 00:05

He's an arse for wanting to be back around 10 if you're not meeting up til 8. That's two hours, woo hoo .... You sit and chat and order drinks, more chatting, then food - at least 8.30. It'll take a while for food to be cooked and arrive at the table, 9 ish. More chat and eating takes at least an hour in my book - it's almost 10 and you've not even thought about desserts, coffee, port. I'd expect to be home around 11-11:30 for a night out starting at 8.

And I wouldn't want the time pressure of wondering if we were going to be later, stress of looking at a watch while waiting for an order, and tbh I would be miffed if I was going out with a friend for a birthday celebration and she only had two hours!

Tell him he can choose from 1) staying at home; 2) coming along but leaving when you're ready to go and not before (& don't stress about it being later than 10, enjoy yourself!); or 3) coming along but leaving early citing rough week, babysitter, etc and leaving you to carry on having fun & see you later.

Numberoneisgone · 01/07/2016 00:10

No to pre booked taxi except on NYE when I will definitely be out past midnight. Tbh I think based on all the information I would be attempting to encourage him home early because he really does not sound up to s night out.

Carno13 · 01/07/2016 00:19

He sounds massively hard work!
Can't he just stay at home?

sleeponeday · 01/07/2016 00:32

I wish he wasn't coming to be honest. Just don't want to be getting looks over the table if I decide to go for a dessert!

Wait, what? He doesn't approve of you having a dessert? Is that on this occasion, so you don't stay out later than he wants (bad enough, tbh), or does he police your eating, too?

APlaceOnTheCouch · 01/07/2016 00:39

Can you uninvite him?! If he worries so much about what other people do regarding taxis and leaving together, can you use it to your advantage - say it's a girls' night and it would be weird if he came.

In answer to your specific questions- I have never booked a taxi in advance and myself and DH have left events separately eg last event DH left about 10pm. I didn't get home till about 2am.

venusinscorpio · 01/07/2016 00:53

I would just say to him that no you won't be coming back until you're ready to and there is no negotiation, it's your birthday!

Tell him he has three choices:

A) not come at all
B) leave early on his own if he wants to
C) stay until the end and leave when you are ready

Quite simple.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 01/07/2016 01:22

DH comes home before me allllllllllllllllllll the time. In fact every single time. I don't think I can remember a time when he didn't!

Also I would never pre-book a taxi unless I really did have to get home for the babysitter.

Bogeyface · 01/07/2016 01:39

Ex H was well known for his sprinting. He would drink and eat fast and then have to go home by 10pm, the rest of us would stay out until the early hours. Not an issue.

I suspect that this is a case of "I know its your birthday but I want your attention to be all on MEEEEEEEE!" and we all know what to do with demanding toddlers dont we?

NotTheSpiceOfLife · 01/07/2016 01:48

I'm very surprised at you all saying booked taxis aren't normal! I work as a taxi operator and we regularly have no taxis available between about 11pm-2am - we have a fleet of 50 cars in a fairly small town. Due to so many people booking in advance!

Regarding the OP - I think he's got a bloody cheek actually. It's YOUR birthday, he has crashed it, and now he's calling the shots. I would be cross.

Redglitter · 01/07/2016 02:35

I'd only pre book a taxi if I was at a wedding or function which I knew was going to end at a certain time. For dinner out it wouldn't even cross my mind

Bogeyface · 01/07/2016 03:01

I agree that the only time I prebook a taxi is when I know that an event is ending at a certain time, other than that I ring about 20 minutes before I want to leave. I have rarely been told that one isnt available.

Mlb123 · 01/07/2016 04:44

He is using rubbish excuses to ensure you don't fully enjoy your birthday evening because he is having a bad week. It is really mean and selfish of him to expect you to care about his bad week, but then he doesn't expect to put himself out much for your birthday for one night.

Please don't let him spoil your plans else he will no doubt do similar time and time again when he is having a hard time and wants to ensure you suffer alongside him.

He sounds exactly like my selfish, self absorbed ex who thought life revolved around him, but any hard times I had were undeserving of any sympathy or special treatment and I was even blamed and told I brought everything on myself while he was a hapless victim whom bad things happened to him that was beyond his control and he was always a blameless martyr.

AlMinzerAndHisPyramidOfDogs · 01/07/2016 05:49

God he sounds like a real knob.

MidnightRunner87 · 01/07/2016 06:02

He sounds incredibly selfish! Who invites themselves on someone else's birthday night out and then expects to be able to dictate that they have only 2 hours to celebrate that event?

To me it sounds more like ensuring his crappy week impacts on you too, so what if he wants an early night? He's more than welcome to have one but he has no right to impose his wants on you.

Uninvite him, cancel your babysitter and leave him home to enjoy as early a night as he wants. He's going to make sure you feel uncomfortable regardless-if he comes it will all be pointed looks and click watching and if he doesn't he'll more than likely be silently moody-the latter can be ignored much more easily whilst your out (and would be ignored while I was home too). He's being inherently selfish!

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