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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Telling a teacher that your child doesn't like them; is it ok?

117 replies

WalkingZed · 29/06/2016 20:34

Ok as teachers we usually have a good idea of what we are getting into. Definitely not for the hassle free career.

Anyway, I've been teaching for 15 years and have always adopted a firm but fair approach. I get good results, care about the children and do as professional a job and work as hard as I can.

This year, at a parent/teacher consultation, a parent told me they didn't think their child had had a good a good year as "x just doesn't like you."

It's bothered me ever since.

The child in question was a high average child, was very motivated in class (I thought) and seemed engaged and as happy it is possible to be in school.

Anyway we are nearing the end of the year and I'm exhasuted.

Just wondered if you've ever told a teacher that your child doesn't like them? Do you think it's reasonable to do this?

AIBU to still think about this?

What would you say if you were a teacher in response to this?

Any teachers had similar and how did you react.

Mentioned to HT but didn't find him particularly helpful other than saying just forget it.

OP posts:

Piratepete1 · 29/06/2016 22:36

I am currently having a similar problem. My very sensitive 4 year old has taken against a quite brusque nursery assistant. She makes her feelings pretty well known by screaming every time this poor woman comes into the same room as her. I had to pull her out of nursery on the day that this assistant is in. I have never told her that my DD doesn't like her although I'm sure she knows

PerspicaciaTick · 29/06/2016 22:38

What did the parent expect you to do with that little gem of information?

GreatFuckability · 29/06/2016 22:40

Not sure what ANY parent would hope to gain, except a bit of satisfaction by hurting your feelings, from telling a teacher that their child didn't like them

well i can't speak for everyone banging but for me, i told her, to make her aware how the way she spoke to, and about him was hindering his schooling. no, its not a teachers job to be liked, but it IS a teachers job to teach and be aware of and respectful of a childs needs and try to meet them. I wasn't doing it to hurt her feelings, but to make her aware of HIS feelings.

pollyblack · 29/06/2016 22:44

My son has hated his teacher this year... At the parents consultation i did not talk about it at all and tried to focus on his progress etc, which had been good. In the end the teacher said she thought he would hopefully be better in a "different teaching environment" next year so i now assume the feeling was mutual and she's delighted to be rid of him!

PerspicaciaTick · 29/06/2016 22:47

GreatFuckability, surely it is more constructive to be specific about what the child has a problem with. Just saying "DS doesn't like you" gives the teacher literally no useful information - is it her accent, hair colour, the way she stands behind him while he works, the tone of voice she uses with him, the tone of voice she uses when addressing the whole class, the fact she nags him to get changed faster after PE? What is she meant to do? Start changing all the ways she interacts with your DS and the rest of the class in the blind hope of stumbling across the thing that causes him a problem. Or maybe she should take your DS to one side and say "Mummy tells me you don't like me - why not?" which sounds awful for both of them.

KateAdiesEarrings · 29/06/2016 22:47

DH told DS' teacher this once. It was in the context of DS being bullied, crying every single day and yet the teacher pretending everything was fine DH was making the point that it didn't seem fine and that DS didn't like the teachers or being bullied. She didn't take it well.
I would never have said it to her but it was true and I understood why DH felt it was relevant.

PterodactylToenails · 29/06/2016 22:55

I haven't done it but in the past I have told a teacher that my child was terrified of the class teaching assistant because she would make my DS cry daily.

lougle · 29/06/2016 23:04

Hmm....tricky. I did tell DD's teacher that I thought her behaviour (SN), which was a huge departure from her previous behaviour at school for the last several years, was an indication of her struggling to cope with the teaching strategies of that team and a 'cry for help'. I was backed up by the view of another professional though, and I did acknowledge that it was DD's needs that were the issue rather than a problem with the teacher per se.... but I can see that it wasn't a compliment .

I think we can all see when a certain teacher just clicks with a pupil though. DD3's maternity cover was teaching her last year as well, by coincidence, and in the last few weeks since her return, she's jumped 3 book bands, with another book band jump next week, and been moved up to the highest level in maths because the teacher has recognised that DD3 is pushing herself to improve and challenging herself. Equally, DD3 is being encouraged by the teacher that she can read and is good enough to tackle the most challenging maths questions, etc.

Sanchar · 29/06/2016 23:06

I have told a teacher that she was disliked by my child. It was done politely but it was made clear that ds was scared of her and had anxiety attacks when he knew she would be teaching that day.
Things did improve after that and ds has been happier since we spoke to the teacher.

Want2bSupermum · 29/06/2016 23:21

I told my DDs teacher that DD didn't want to go to school. It's no reflection on the teacher and I told the teacher straight that DD needed to figure it out. In April a parent walked into school early and observed this teacher screaming at DD who was balling her eyes out in the fetal position. I still didn't tell the teacher DD doesnt like her. Instead I spoke to the assistant principal and made it known that shouting at my child is unacceptable and if it happens again I will take it a lot further.

BeenThereTooSEL · 29/06/2016 23:27

I've had parents tell me their kids didn't like me. I'm a teacher in an EBD PRU. Can't say it bothered me massively as I know there's parents I don't like much either for one reason or another.

GreatFuckability · 30/06/2016 00:59

Well yes perspica I didn't just go 'Bob doesn't like you, so ner'. I was more specific in why.

Nibledbyducks · 30/06/2016 01:46

The closest I've come was at a parents evening with ASD DS1'S PE teacher, I was very British but managed "Erm there appears to be a bit of a personality clash...."
The resulting conversation involved me in full on mum mode managing both DS1 and said teacher into a behaviour agreement with them glaring daggers at each other and speaking nicely through gritted teeth...
I have no idea what telling a teacher that your child doesn't like them hopes to achieve! Clearly not every student likes every teacher and vice versa, but I've always told my DC'S that they must respect their teachers, because it's not like they got in to teaching for fame and fortune!

Pearlman · 30/06/2016 06:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JerryFerry · 30/06/2016 06:47

Well my son disliked his Y2 tracher intensely, as did many of the other children. I did not however tell his teacher, I went to the head and the teacher was sacked. Turns out there were many unhappy children in the class, she was a dreadful bully. So no, a child's dislike of a teacher is not the parent's fault.

However, the OP sounds like an effective and kind teacher, and I think the parent sounds rude.

HighNoon · 30/06/2016 07:29

I had this the other way round. Primary teacher telling me he thought my child didn't like him.

I was a bit non-plussed. Being liked is always nice and can be helpful, but surely not essential in a professional relationship between adults and children. Teacher's there to teach, kid to listen and learn (yeah sorry about that school - my child was weak those qualities, improved a lot since leaving)

BigTroubleInLittleChina · 30/06/2016 07:38

I wish I had, as it isvery clear looking back the Year 6 teacher (who was also Deputy Head) didn't like my DD.

Mov1ngOn · 30/06/2016 07:40

Gosh want2be that's awful. I think I'd pull a kid out pretty quick (if I was able) if that happened. Was that in UK state school? Wouldn't that get a teacher fired??

fascicle · 30/06/2016 07:47

I wouldn't take it at face value, OP. It's without value because it's not a comment about something specific that you do that you might reasonably be able to alter. There is no context to the comment, and as such, it lacks credibility.

I once had a teacher say she was sure my son didn't like her. That struck me as a pretty odd and unnecessary thing to say.

Anaffaquine123 · 30/06/2016 07:48

I had a child this week tell me he doesn't like another teacher in the school. She would be upset by this but I haven't said anything to her.
I don't even think it is true. It is the last week of a long term and the kids are shattered and grumpy.
The parent is very rude and inconsiderate of your feelings to tell you that.

marialuisa · 30/06/2016 07:52

Pearlman-great that you follow your code of conduct but unfortunately not all teachers do which puts parents in a tricky position.

Mov1ngOn · 30/06/2016 07:54

I wouldn't take kindly to a parent trying to mum manage me. No wonder she was looking with daggers!

nooka · 30/06/2016 08:02

My dd has loathed one of her teachers this year, but I suspect that her teacher has no idea as the teacher appears to have no insight into her behaviour at all (plus she seems to consider dd as one of her favourites). As parents it's been slightly difficult to know what to do as it appears to be well known that this teacher in almost universally disliked and has been for many years.

It's sad as dd is a well behaved high performing child and it was her favourite subject. I really regret her accepting her timetable knowing that she had this teacher as it's really affected dd this year.

Some teachers just aren't very good. This one is actively unpleasant to some of the children, calls them silly names, shows them up in front of their peers etc. She also lectures them on being better people (she did some weird guilt tripping thing about giving to her preferred charity). It all sounds highly unprofessional, although dd has no doubt egged the details during her rants about the teacher.

Also for some children getting on with their teachers is really important, especially at primary. dd really underperformed the year her form teacher was very very sporty as she felt he didn't appreciate her. A bit silly maybe, but it did affect her feelings about school. Never been an issue for ds, but he's much less of a pleaser by nature.

CombineBananaFister · 30/06/2016 08:05

I don't think it was rude as such if it was a fact, and may have been her clumsy way of testing the water to bring somethingelse up? an incident where you've disciplined her child or where he thinks he's been treated unfairly(children with a grudge eh ?) but from what you've said it might be just a percieved issue not a real one, especially if it didn't lead to a further explanation which I'm not sure what she was trying to achieve other than rile you.
I'd forget about it at best it's random personality clash that didn't affect his achievement, at worst its maybe sour grapes about something.
Work it out as a % OP , you're doing pretty good on the likability scale if thats the only one.

Partybagger · 30/06/2016 08:06

Sorry you had this OP.
That comment says 1000x more about that parent that they said this- and says absolutely nothing about you, your teaching or how the child might actually feel, which isn't the point really anyway.
I feel sorry for the child that that's the kind of thing their parent will say to their teachers.

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