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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Telling a teacher that your child doesn't like them; is it ok?

117 replies

WalkingZed · 29/06/2016 20:34

Ok as teachers we usually have a good idea of what we are getting into. Definitely not for the hassle free career.

Anyway, I've been teaching for 15 years and have always adopted a firm but fair approach. I get good results, care about the children and do as professional a job and work as hard as I can.

This year, at a parent/teacher consultation, a parent told me they didn't think their child had had a good a good year as "x just doesn't like you." Sad

It's bothered me ever since.

The child in question was a high average child, was very motivated in class (I thought) and seemed engaged and as happy it is possible to be in school.

Anyway we are nearing the end of the year and I'm exhasuted.

Just wondered if you've ever told a teacher that your child doesn't like them? Do you think it's reasonable to do this?

AIBU to still think about this?

What would you say if you were a teacher in response to this?

Any teachers had similar and how did you react.

Mentioned to HT but didn't find him particularly helpful other than saying just forget it.

OP posts:
NotYoda · 29/06/2016 20:57

OOH that's intriguing

Silly jealous parent

starry0ne · 29/06/2016 20:58

I told a teacher My ds didn't like a teacher who he had for maths after she had left but it was in response to trying to figure out what is going on for him..However this was not in front of ds...

Also when he has told me he doesn't like a teacher ..I tell him thats fine you are not inviting them for tea..Put your head down and get on with your work.

BeenThereTooSEL · 29/06/2016 20:59

Sounds like it's her issue that's she's projected onto you. Even if it is true if it's one child out of the many you've had contact with you've done well!

Brokenbiscuit · 29/06/2016 20:59

Just wondered if you've ever told a teacher that your child doesn't like them? Do you think it's reasonable to do this?

Absolutely not - it's very rude.

DD has been lucky enough to have got on well with all of her teachers so far, but even if there was one that she didn't like, I hope that I would have the good grace to recognise the work that the teacher was putting in. Occasional personality clashes are inevitable but they aren't necessarily anyone's fault.

WineandChocolate for you OP. I'm sure you do a great job!

Original poster
WalkingZed · 29/06/2016 21:00

Thanks for listening everyone! Had to talk about this. It's niggled, rather than annoyed me.

OP posts:
QuiteLikely5 · 29/06/2016 21:02

There's just no need for a parent to say that to you unless there are extreme circumstances!

Do not be alarmed I mean in fifteen years of teaching its possible that a few of your pupils may not have taken to you but on this occasion it sounds like it's the mother trying to rub you up the wrong way - perhaps you said something she didn't like the sound of and she just verbally attacked you

GreatFuckability · 29/06/2016 21:03

I've told my son's teacher this year that my son doesn't like her, i feel as if he has reason to not like her as she doesn't understand his SEN at all and has made what has been a difficult year for him this year, more unpleasant than it needed to be.

that said, it might not be anything you've done. i'd take an honest look at my interaction with the child and see if there is anything you can think of that might have caused it, if so, then learn from it and move on. if not, then try and see it as one of those things.

RubbleBubble00 · 29/06/2016 21:05

eldest child really did not like his reception ta, they seemed to have a great relationship but he just didn't like her. I wouldn't dream of telling her and told eldest to be polite

JoffreyBaratheon · 29/06/2016 21:05

Never done it and when I was teachng, never had it happen to me. (Although at one point, in a school with 2 Y3 classes, I was 'popular' with the parents and my (male) colleague was loathed by them and we had a flurry of parents asking for their kids to be moved from his class to mine - and I had to act like I knew nothing about it, in front of him. ;o)

That said I am certain I had kids who loathed me, too, in various schools. But their parents had the sense to say nowt.

The rudest parent I had was a divorced dad who insisted he couldn't be in the building with his ex wife so had to have his own private Parents Evening - and when I accomodated him with a polite smile (and through gritted teeth) he then proceeds to tell me I could be a better teacher as, in his opinion, I didn't teach enough Geography. (This was in the days of a fat National Curriculum folder for every single subject, including Geography). I just thought "Dick!" but smiled politely and said "I really must do something about that" (Thinking: Sod that).

birdsdestiny · 29/06/2016 21:06

They were incredibly rude. I must try that at work next week. Hi colleague, you know I don't actually like you. They are setting their child up for an intesting time in the job market if they think that is acceptable behaviour.

Pearlman · 29/06/2016 21:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JoffreyBaratheon · 29/06/2016 21:07

Forgot to add: have you ever known a HT say anything sensible? I wouldn't go to them for advice/information/reassurance. ;o)

Bogeyface · 29/06/2016 21:08

A relative did this.

She hated the teacher, as did the daughter, because the teacher apparently had favourites and her DD wasnt one of them.

The truth was that the DD was a PITA who was constantly in trouble for her behaviour. Neither the DD or my relative would accept that and blamed the teacher. Relative made it quite clear to the teacher that if she had not been "so mean" to her DD then the behaviour would have improved. Funnily enough, the same thing happened in the next school year with a different teacher.

My kids have all gone through the same school and the 2 teachers concerned are both of the "very firm but scrupulously fair" variety, which did my DS in particular the world of good.

My relative and this parent are both arseholes.

Dolphinsanddinosaurs · 29/06/2016 21:09

To be honest, as a parent, I don't think teachers should be in it to be liked. I want my DS to have teachers who get the best out of him, not be his friends. The year DS had a teacher he really liked, he got a bit cocky. and got into trouble more than at any other time so far.

GreatFuckability · 29/06/2016 21:10

If they haven't done well, it's usually because they chose not to put the effort in. That's on them, irrespective of whether they like me or not.

what age group do you teach?
actually OP, what age group are you talking about?
my son is primary, i feel like the onus is on the teacher to find a way to work with him, as the adult in the scenario.

PlatoTheGreat · 29/06/2016 21:11

I've said someting along these lines.
That year, they had two teachers (time shared) and just as well as dc was very happy with one teacher, he wasn't with the other. In his mind, the other teacher wasn't his 'real' teacher.

It wasn't something that was about the other teacher, more of an issue that he struggled with the two teachers arrangement (and therefore something that needed to be reported to the teachers).

Tbh, I'm not sure why you think this is inappropriate. Are you really expecting every single child over your entire career to like you? I'm sure you wouldn';t expect every single adult you meet to like you so why the children? Sometimes, it's an issue of 'fit' (your ways to do things just don't work with that particular child) It doesn't say anything about you or your teaching as such.
I see the same thing with c,lients I'm working with. Some we click together and have a fantastic (working) relationship, others it doesn't work (and they usually don't come back). Just the way it is.

AChickenCalledKorma · 29/06/2016 21:13

I must admit my hackles are rising at some posters' suggestion that a child disliking a teacher must inevitably be the parent's fault. DD2 has never seen eye to eye with her year 6 teacher. I have absolutely no idea why. She seems perfectly reasonable and nothing DD2 has explained has made it any clearer. But they definitely have a clash of personality that has made it a trying year.

I haven't said this to her teacher though. It's not her fault and it would be upsetting. We have had some conversations about things DD2 is struggling with but I've kept personality issues out of it.

timeandtide · 29/06/2016 21:13

YANBU.

I would never dream of saying that to someone. It's rude and it's disrespectful. It shows you the breeding of the person who said it.

Pearlman · 29/06/2016 21:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BerriesandLeaves · 29/06/2016 21:19

Flowers I think they were very rude.
Child in question is forever coming up and talking to me, drawing pictures for me
I find it very hard to believe they don't like you if they do that. It sounds like the parent was feeling defensive about something so went on the attack. Could be something else that was going on in their life and nothing to do with you. Maybe they are just a bit odd.

teatowel · 29/06/2016 21:19

I think the child does like you and mum is maybe a bit jealous. I once had the parent of an 8 year old say to me with real vitriol that she was sick of hearing "Miss Teatowel says" all the time. I didn't know whether to be flattered or horrified and wondered which pearls of my wisdom were being repeated at home!

JoffreyBaratheon · 29/06/2016 21:24

Yes, TBH it's not about being liked, it's about helping them learn.

It cuts both ways, too. I have taught kids I took a total dislike to - sometimes on a level I couldn't even explain - and treated them the same as any other, even when they got my hackles up. It's not difficult as that's just your job when you teach. I suppose parents might somehow think 'like' is important. It probably isn't. I would not even necessarily believe that parent - they might be a weirdo and saying it for some odd reason. The child might have told them that to get them off its case. There's no saying it's even true.

Like all teachers, I quickly learned that kids are just kids - and whilst there is the odd one you can't just warm to, that makes no difference as you'll teach them to the best of your ability, anyway. Some parents are idiots but that never, ever affects the way you see their kid. The parent I thought of as a dick - and can remember vividly all these years on - his daughter was one of the loveliest kids I ever taught and the fact she had a prat for a parent didn't in any way alter how I related to her.

GreatFuckability · 29/06/2016 21:25

must admit my hackles are rising at some posters' suggestion that a child disliking a teacher must inevitably be the parent's fault

Indeed. Some teachers do play favourites, some are not very good at their jobs, some don't understand complex needs as well as they should, some just have a personality that doesn't suit a child's personality. The teacher i'm talking about has previously taught two of my children and was fine with them, my son has had plenty of other teachers and never had an issue. but this year, she has failed him.

AnnaMarlowe · 29/06/2016 21:26

As far as I'm concerned it is completely irrelevant whether my children like a teacher or not.

The teacher has information to impart, the child is there to receive it. My DC know that their job is to work hard, engage in the class, behave well and get on with the other children and staff. None of that requires the child to like their teacher, it's just an added benefit if they do.

I'd give any child who said that they hadn't had a good year because the teacher wasn't to their taste pretty short shrift.

And yes, they've both had teachers they didn't like. The teachers had no idea as neither behaviour or attitude was impacted.

Bogburglar99 · 29/06/2016 21:28

No. If you had/were doing things that I thought my child was reasonable to find upsetting (eg being very shouty or unpleasant) then I'd try and explain that DC found those specific behaviours distressing.

If you seemed good at your job but just not my child's cup of tea, then I wouldn't see that as something you needed to know. I can't imagine that every teacher likes every child they teach - job is to teach them fairly and pleasantly.

I'd try and view it as a useful lesson for DC in getting on with many different kinds of people, not just the ones we immediately click with.