Telling a teacher that your child doesn't like them; is it ok?

[WalkingZed]

Ok as teachers we usually have a good idea of what we are getting into. Definitely not for the hassle free career.

Anyway, I've been teaching for 15 years and have always adopted a firm but fair approach. I get good results, care about the children and do as professional a job and work as hard as I can.

This year, at a parent/teacher consultation, a parent told me they didn't think their child had had a good a good year as "x just doesn't like you."

It's bothered me ever since.

The child in question was a high average child, was very motivated in class (I thought) and seemed engaged and as happy it is possible to be in school.

Anyway we are nearing the end of the year and I'm exhasuted.

Just wondered if you've ever told a teacher that your child doesn't like them? Do you think it's reasonable to do this?

AIBU to still think about this?

What would you say if you were a teacher in response to this?

Any teachers had similar and how did you react.

Mentioned to HT but didn't find him particularly helpful other than saying just forget it.

Also by the time kids are in secondary, they understand that liking a teacher doesn't = "good" teacher. My 15 year old has a couple of etachers who, on a personal level, he loathes but he will freely admit he'd still rather be in their classes as they actually teach him something. Many younger kids would get this, too.

I've been teaching a while, and I've had parents say that to me on occasion.
I tend to take it on board and ask what in particular they find they dislike, to see if it's something I can change. Often it is, sometimes it isn't.
If you've been teaching 15 years, you've probably met children you disliked.
As long as you can develop a civil and reasonable relationship for the year, it's OK not to like everyone. Or be liked by everyone.

If they haven't done well, it's usually because they chose not to put the effort in. That's on them, irrespective of whether they like me or not.

Surely this very much depends - a young child, a child who has lack of support or encouragement at home, a child who is caring for a relative, a child who is hungry, a child who is being bullied - surely these are all reasons for a child not doing well at school. I'm pretty sure it's not as simple as them not working hard enough.

When dd2 was still in primary they got a new teacher in Y5

One of the parents really disliked her and her dd did too. To begin with I couldn't work out why as I found teacher approachable and lovely. DD loved her. Then one day dd said to me.. You know I have some of my work displayed on the wall at school thats the first time. This surprised me (that it was the first time) and in conversation I mentioned it to a friend who said.
Well no previous teacher ONLY put up work from his 3 favourites..

Friends dd had been one of the 3 favourites. So she had gone from being the pet who was constantly praised and told she was wonderful. To being told she had done good however no longer being the one who was constantly picked and selected to do things (new teacher was of the " everyone gets a turn opinion) Did my dds confidence the world of good.

Could it be something like that?

I would never say that to a teacher, even it were true because that is sabotaging the relationship between the child and teacher. If a child feels it necessary for the teacher to know that they don't like them, they can tell them themselves.

I'm not sure what could be achieved by saying that at all.
When I was at school I bloody hated Mrs Jones. i thought she was a bossy old cow, mostly because she wouldn't let me get away with not working hard and didn't accept me just doing the bare minimum of work to get by. I got a A* in her subject though, so it looks like Mrs Jones was right!

Not sure what ANY parent would hope to gain, except a bit of satisfaction by hurting your feelings, from telling a teacher that their child didn't like them.

I am also a teacher with 15 years experience and I have come across LOADS of parents/children who dislike me and like yourself, I have been told so. I just reply with; "That's a shame. She's never made it known in the class that she dislikes me, quite the contrary!" which in all truth, is mostly the case.

Genuine dislike of a teacher will, 99% of the time, be because the teacher won't let them 'do as they please' or has unwanted behaviour that needs addressing on a regular basis and is generally 'being told off'. A parent who then makes such a bold statement such as 'My child hates you' is usually a parent who is in denial or completely blind to the reality that is their child.

We all have them from time to time.

Don't dwell on it. One parent out of potentially 450 children over your career is a minute percentage. Three weeks and she is someone else's problem parent!

Well I'm a parent of a child who had a year where she didn't like her teacher. In her case it was because the teacher was on a short fuse rather quick to shout, and it upset her and made her anxious (it wasn't at her ) the teacher had a toddler and a baby and I imagine wasn't getting much sleep, I think she would also have said that my dc was happy, but actually she really wasn't. I also have dcs who have completely loathed their head teacher. With very good reason, thankfully the person has since been sacked . So in your place I would have wanted to know what the reason was. It could be a misunderstanding, it could be something really silly, or it could be something more important. Forgive me if I've missed it but I think it makes a difference what age the child is. In primary it is more important to like the teacher, in sec less so, although I worked far better for the teachers I liked. Some children thrive if they have a good relationship with the teacher, and for others it matters less, so that is a factor too. Could you ask the parent why?

My mum once told my geography teacher who btw couldnt be arsed finding out my name i didnt really like geography he made my life hell after nasty little bullying bastard.

I once told a teacher something kind of harsh, I had beat around the bush for a while and had tried to resolve it kindly but she wasn't getting it and my child was miserable and loathed school that year. She was a bit shocked and hurt but she did finally make changes for him that helped. I hated doing it but I couldn't get her to budge any other way.

Sounds like this was not the case and the parent just put their foot in their mouth and said something a little unkind for no reason...? Sorry they did that, at least there isn't much time left this year with that particular family.

I don't necessarily expect every child to like me, but it is horrible and imo disrespectful for someone to actually tell you.

OP, I had a parent tell me that their DC hated me and a colleague! The student had been in trouble for all sorts of stuff and it was our job to get them back on the straight and narrow - if possible.

I thought the parent was a twat TBH. What did they think this would resolve? It certainly wouldn't endear either of us to their child.

Said child has now been kicked out of the school! In this case the child hated having rules and boundaries imposed on them and kicked against the most reasonable of requests. Think of things like not chewing gum or wearing their uniform correctly - so not horrifically difficult rules to follow.

On the whole I've always had really good relationships with the kids I've taught but so this didn't bother me. I did wonder why the parent felt the need to tell me this though.

If you had/were doing things that I thought my child was reasonable to find upsetting (eg being very shouty or unpleasant) then I'd try and explain that DC found those specific behaviours distressing.

If you seemed good at your job but just not my child's cup of tea, then I wouldn't see that as something you needed to know.

^^this. Unless the parent has a very unusual grasp of how to behave socially I think there is possibly something else going on. It's such an unpleasant thing to tell someone, I just can't believe anyone would say it unless they wanted to attack you passive aggressively. Who knows why they would want to do this? Maybe they have unrealistic expectations of their DC and are lashing out because these expectations weren't met, or maybe they resent you having a decent rapport with their DC. Whatever it is, yes try and forget it as I imagine it's probably not true or is an exageration which the parent has made for their own benefit.

I wouldn't say it but by God I felt like saying it this year with one teacher who was really unempathetic and useless around my son's stammering because she knew better than his speech therapist that all he needed was to "toughen up a bit".

Slightly off topic I guess and irrelevant to your question but I had to write it!!

I think the parents was at best socially inept, certainly rude and maybe cruelly trying to hurt you, OP.

So, no, not ok

I am not a teacher, and of course there have been teachers my DCs have had who I 'gelled' with more and some less. Same goes for the kids of course.
But it is beside the point - it is the teaching that matters, and learning how to get on with somebody you don't like all that much is an important life skill.
Teaching is not a popularity contest.

Enjoy the summer when it comes

My ds had a teacher he just didn't like as she shouted quite a lot (not at him, just in general) she had just come back from maternity leave and I explained she was probably just pretty tired and less likely to put up with the usual nonsense, it helped him to put it into perspective.
I don't think she was horrendous just a bit more shouty than the other teachers and it was a lively class !!
I would never dream of saying anything and making someone feel like shit unless there was a genuine reason and just 'not liking' someone happens all the time and no reason to be nasty about it.

Why would she say that? What response does she expect? I could understand if she was trying to justify her child's poor behaviour or effort but you have said the pupil was fine. As a parent my kids have disliked teachers for various reasons. As long as it isn't to do with their teaching and isn't impacting on their education my attitude is tough. They are there to teach you are there to learn. It isn't meant to be a friendship.

As a teacher I want to have a good relationship with my students because it makes the learning environment more conducive to learning
However I know I won't be liked by all my students and quite frankly there are the odd ones I don't like.

I wouldn't worry about it. Some people are just daft!

One of my dc told me that they told their teacher that they didn't used to like them but they do now
I agree with other posters that if there was a valid reason for my dc not liking a teacher then I would be talking about that rather than just saying they don't like you. And it would have to be something pretty serious. If it was just 'because' then I would probably tell my kids not to be mean and certainly wouldn't tell the teacher!
Did the parent not give any explanation why and did you not ask? It's really odd of them to just say my child doesn't like you and nothing else.

It's the end of the year, we are all tired and everything feels worse! I've had kids tell me they don't like other teachers but never a parent. Rude and, if the kid is fine in your lesson, unnecessary.

Totally inappropriate but nothing you can do but forget it.

Only a few more weeks; hang on in there!

What an ungrateful so and so, very inaporopriate and not on.

I teach in a school for boys with social, emotional and mental health difficulties. I get told that they hate me frequently (generally for all of 5 minutes.....) and occasionally parents have said similar things (mostly as an excuse for truly outrageous behaviour such as punching staff, spitting, throw tables and chairs etc). I usually go with something along the lines of 'that's life/you won't like everyone you meet in this world or the next/you need to learn to get along with people you don't like, one might be your boss/mother in law/whoever one day".

Should have replied 'the feeling is mutual'
That is so rude of the parent. In what context was this said to you? Had there been an incident at all that had riled up the parent?
I would take the HT advise though and try and forget it especially if the child seems happy in class. Some people are just knobs.
The very fact it's played on your mind shows you're caring and more than likely didn't deserve the insult. Can never please everyone!

What on earth were they trying to achieve?!

I get rude, nasty, downright bullying people in my line of work and I never understand what they think they are achieving: is anybody going to go the extra mile for somebody who's just told them they don't like them??
Weird tactic