To ask what's the worst 'sense of humour' you ever experienced? (Light hearted - I bet you lot have some absolute clangers)

[Flamingo1980]

So I've just got back from seeing some friends and met a friend of theirs for the first time. Christ it was about ten shades of painful. She just kept making these terrible - jokes - if you can even call it that. Whatever they were she thought she was hilarious.
Her idea of comedy was just to say something that was the opposite of the truth, and then pause, laugh, and then exclaim, "I'm joking!". Over and over.
Example: Me: "So how are you finding living here?"
Her: "I hate it!!!.....pause...laughs loudly... No not really I love it!!....HHAHAHAAAAA!"
Etc etc. This continued for some time in the same pattern until I wanted to gauge my eyes out with a fork.
It was that sort of "Awkward uncle at Christmas" humour but without the thinly vieled racism and smut.

Can you lot now make me feel better by regaling me with 'painful humour' anecdotes please!

I'm thrilled! I'm keeping my kitchen jokes!

DP roles his eyes but I just KNOW he totally loves them

That's shallot, I'm out of thyme.

You, my friend, are a comic genius. You'd butter believe it.

Don't egg her on Flamingo

I was able to use my 'you've just pea'd all over the floor' kitchen joke tonight. . well it cheered me and DS up as we hunted down the offending peas from under the freezer.

"Mrs Cameron's Diary" in the Guardian is cringe-worthy. The aghast comments from readers are funny though.

Oh Lordy I'd forgotten about the 'pea on the floor' hilarity. I'm not sure a week went by in our house without that old chestnut being rolled out when I was a kid.
Never. not. funny.

Worst ever was a colleague started talking about a friend of hers who was allergic to her husband's sperm whilst we were all eating a fancy lunch Apparently they ended up divorced

My dad pretends he can't hear me when I phone my parent's landline, he thinks its hysterical. It's been going on for around 10 years. It's not funny.

At a wedding once and the father of the bride recalled in his speech the day the bride found a dead body at work. Omg. Most people didn't know this had actually happened and were laughing politely thinking it was a joke. Gulp.

I once did massage as part of a course and my friend asked our tutor for help. The tutor demonstrated on me making a joke that my friend was struggling as I had rather large thighs. Nervous/uncomfortable giggling from rest of group. She obv thought we found it hilarious as when she bumped into us in the corridor later that week she said "oh look here's big thighs!!"... The other tutors passing by looked mortified!

I really hate practical 'jokes' that seem designed to embarrass/humiliate/upset people. I accept that others may find it hilarious, but I don't...

For example. A few years ago I went out for drinks for my birthday with several friends. On the way from one bar to another, I popped into a pub for an urgent wee (I'd broken the seal). When I came out there was no sign of my friends. I spent a good five minutes looking for them and then they came running out of some side street, absolutely beside themselves with laughter because they thought it would be funny to make me think they'd forgotten me/gone home/whatever. I just felt really embarrassed at being the butt of their joke.

And the other 'old favourite'- when someone is giving you a lift and they move the car forward a bit every time you reach for the door handle. That pisses me off too

I think I might be a sensitive little flower

When patients at work think it's hilarious to say " the dentist's time" if I book them an appointment at 2.30. Every time.

Or if they come put to pay for a crown and say "this will be the painful bit".

Haha haha i haven't heard that a million times.

Today alone.

And the other 'old favourite'- when someone is giving you a lift and they move the car forward a bit every time you reach for the door handle. That pisses me off too

This fills me with violent rage, it has never been and will never be funny!

I'm pretty bad for rubbish puns if you don't like that kind of thing, especially as I'm very much like Chandler from Friends with like a "badumchh" and hand movement on the end

I can't believe grown adults would do the hiding 'joke' - seriously how is that funny? My three year old thinks that's funny but a grown adult?? Practical jokes are very cringey I agree.

I recently got 'chatted up' online by someone, I asked them to tell me a joke. He literally copied and pasted the 'English man, Irish man and Scottish man in a plane throwing some China out of the window' joke and sent it to me. As a demonstration of his sharp, clever, up-to-date humour presumably - a joke I last heard about thirty years ago when I was eight years old that wasn't even that funny or clever then.
I didn't reply back.

Love the kitchen jokes!
In our house, if pea rolls off the plate while you are trying to eat it, it's an "escapea". A bean in a similar situation is a "has-bean". How we laugh!

I made DS (8) laugh for about an hour the other day when he asked for those "thin pancakes" for breakfast:
Me: you mean crepes?
Him: Yes! Can I have a crepe please?
Me: You'd like a crepe?
Him: Yes!
Me: Go to the toilet then!

His face was at the fact I had nearly sworn and then . I think this one is going to run and run...

The worst I have experienced was when I was a team leader at work. Team consisted of mainly young women...and then we hired a man in his 60s. He had an AWFUL, sexist sense of humour. For example, one of the team complained about the cold weather and he said "ooh, you'd better wear your woolly knickers tomorrow then!"...that kind of stuff. He genuinely thought he was funny. As team leader, I had to have a word and point out that talking about your colleagues underwear was not really appropriate and could cause offense. This, apparently, was news to him. He didn't last long (resigned, not fired!)

at sirona and her colleagues 'wee lad' how on earth could he think that could be funny? I'd have reported him to HR in a heartbeat.

IToldYou

Baked beans for tea tonight! I am adding has-bean to my kitchen puns. It's brilliant!

Puns are wonderful when they work.
I had a colleague once who was exactly like MissSue's FIL - he thought he was wonderful at puns but none of them actually were.
"Excuse me, I just need to get some milk out of the fridge, thanks."
"Oh, are you getting some milk for YOUR TEA? That's a HEAVY jug of milk, you have to be very STRONG!"
"Er.... oh, strong tea, I see. Ha."
"No, no, YOUR TEA!" "YOUR TEA! Like MY-TEA, mighty - ha ha haaaaa!"

In retrospect it prepared me for DD's 'jokes': "what do you call a dinosaur with no feet? A marine dinosaur! Geddit?"

I really hate practical 'jokes' as well.

Vlad your colleague sounds like the most tiresome ponce alive.

At one friend's wedding, the father-of-the-bride, during his speech, mentioned how glad her nursing colleagues would be that she was changing her surname as, under the section of "has the patient had a bowel movement?", when she used her "previous initials" of N.O, it made it very difficult to concede with suitable treatment.

I've known the family pretty much my whole life, and I know her father thought it was hilariously funny, but... even though it's been 20 years, I don't remember any laughter. Just my friend looking mortified, and her dad looking bewildered as to why we weren't all slapping our thighs/rolling in the aisles.

I had a customer last week; asked him for his name and phone number. As I was jotting it down he suddenly roared 'Who gave you that name?' in an Irish accent.

I was frozen to the spot and about to say 'Er, you did!' when he explained that it was something Catholic priests said in church. Yeah mate, thanks for scaring the bejesus out of me try that again and I'll stab you with the fucking biro

I used to be in a circle of friends with a lad who would constantly get his phone out to show you something hilarious from the internet. Nothing like sitting in the pub with all your friends... watching random cat videos in silence on a tiny screen.

Best man at my last wedding, the entire speach was about how the last groom had got away and how I had been married before so must like wedding cake, the speach was very lengthy.

I wasmt divorced I was widowed prior to that day.

The man with the worst sense of humour in the world lives in my village. We call him The Bar Cunt as he spends most of his time in the village bar looking for fresh meat for his hilarious repartee.

He'll go up to people he doesn't know and reel off a few phrases in the local patois (we are in foreign lands). When they look baffled, he'll say "Oh, don't you understand me, I'm speaking patois", at which they are supposed to prostrate themselves at his feet in awe, or fall about laughing at how hilarious he is.

He's a drunk and a boorish bore, or a boring boor. I'd had enough by the third time he did this to me, seemingly not remembering that he'd met me twice before.

Bar Cunt:
Me: I don't speak patois, you know that.
BC, oblivious: I'm speaking patois!
Me: Why?
BC: Oh, don't you understand me?
Me: No.
BC: Ahahahahahahahaha! Still, I'm surprised you can understand me speaking English, it's hard for you oatmeal savages, isn't it?
Me: Excuse me?
BC: Well, you speak English very well for a jock.
Me: Did you just call me an oatmeal savage? What the fuck is that?
BC: Can't you take a joke?
Me: No. Goodnight.

Oatmeal savage! I'd never heard that before. Apparently that's a hilarious thing to call a Scottish person that (as far as you can recall) you've just met. Oh! My sides!

I absolutely hate boorish humour and laddish 'banter'. The purveyors of this are usually the type of person that most can't stand, but a small minority seem to see as an intellectual giant/sex god, and consequently they have a vastly inflated opinion of themselves.

There's also a certain type of male who humiliates other men in order to try and impress the opposite sex with his "cheeky" humour. Sometimes this succeeds, sometimes it doesn't, but it can be incredibly frustrating and belittling to be on the receiving end of it, especially if you don't have any witty (or even not that witty) comebacks!

Revenge My DP is a pretty nerdy, geeky guy, the guy that is always the butt of those jokes. I myself am an alternative model type and tend to unfortunately attract these buffoons peacocking attention.

But my DP absolutely loves it when they do "banter" things to embarrass him in front of me on a night out to look superior... Without realising he's my long term DP and we have kids So I get to do this lovely ego-boosting move for him where I swoop in and "choose" his company and give him a lengthy kiss rather than the "lad" and I think he treasures their faces forever haha