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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH coming home from work at bedtime

87 replies

Tryingtostayyoung · 28/06/2016 19:25

Genuinely looking for some advice as I'm not sure who IBU.

DH is out of the house everyday from 7:20 in the morning so DD only sees him for 15mins before he goes to work so when he gets in she is very very excited. I would say on average one night a week he works really late so gets home after bedtime and then 2/3 he gets home at around 6:30-7ish. Now the problem... The other 1/2 nights a week he seems to get home at near enough the same time I would start bedtime (I take her up at 8:00) so sometimes he'll get in at 7:50, sometimes it'll be 8:10 etc. This really pisses me off because she gets so hyper when he gets in and refuses to go to bed because she wants to see him (he does insist she goes to bed) and will cry and cry and cry which just totally wakes herself up and only then means bed even later than if I just let her spend half hour with him and then go to bed. This isn't so bad if it's one of the nights he walks in at 7:50 as I would then take her up at 8:20 butt if he walks in at 8:10 it means taking her up at nearly 9. I said to DH that if he is going to walk in later than 7:40 then he shouldn't bother coming home until 8:25 when he knows she will be asleep because I think it's unfair on me because I'm the one that doesn't get to sit down till late, unfair on her because she is tired and unfair that we don't get the hour and a half together that we normally do (I got to bed at 10). He thinks this is ridiculous and unfair as he wants to leave work as soon as he can, come home and have dinner. Please help!!

OP posts:
StillNoFuckingEyeDeer · 28/06/2016 19:28

Is there any flexibility in his finishing time so that he could stay a bit later one night if he's not going to get home early enough anyway, then leave a little earlier another night?

MagnifiMad · 28/06/2016 19:28

I understand your frustration but I think YABU.

There must be a middle ground solution. How old is DD?
Could DH come up when he comes in during bedtime and take over the routine stuff - story, bath - whatever so he is part of the peaceful bedtime stuff? It might take a little while for it to be calm since she is currently excited to see him but I imagine after a little while, it could just be an alternative normal routine whereby she still gets time with your DH but it's nice and calm and part of bedtime.

iamhopeless · 28/06/2016 19:29

Um couldn't dh put dd to bed?? That way he spends quality time with her and you get a break. Win win surely??

OhahIlostmybra · 28/06/2016 19:30

I understand this - how old is dd?

dementedpixie · 28/06/2016 19:30

Get him roped into the bedtime routine if he gets home at that time

PotteringAlong · 28/06/2016 19:32

Exactly. DH comes in, DH puts her to bed.

acquiescence · 28/06/2016 19:32

Can he come in quietly/ through the back door so she is not aware? I think YABU a bit after he has had a long day at work to have to wait outside for half an hour!

Original poster
Tryingtostayyoung · 28/06/2016 19:32

Magnifimad this is what I have been trying to find, some sort of alternative where everyone is happy. We have tried him coming in and doing bedtime but there are two problems, the first is that she is so hyper that bedtime then takes an hour and the second is because it takes an hour he then doesn't have dinner until 9 which he doesn't like.

StillNo unfortunately no, it's just the way it sort of works out, client meetings etc etc

OP posts:
ChocChocPorridge · 28/06/2016 19:32

Can't he sneak in? I can see why he wouldn't want to stay out, but he does need to get in the house quietly without disturbing her (or figure out some way to be less exciting.. if he's not encouraging it that is easier said than done I know.

DP does bedtimes here unless he's very late - that's the other solution - that when he gets in, he takes over.

sneepy · 28/06/2016 19:34

When mine were that age I just told dh he could come home before 7:40 or after 8:25. It was me who had to deal with the consequences of a disrupted bedtime so he didn't get to choose.

Many of our friends did the same. The working parent just has to spend more quality time on the weekend. DH also usually did (still does) their breakfast and got some time in that way.

Lilaclily · 28/06/2016 19:34

How old is she ?

BackforGood · 28/06/2016 19:34

I understand the frustration too, but also think YABU.
The poor man is out at work for over 12 hours, and you want him to drive round the block for 20mins so he doesn't 'come in at the wrong time' Hmm

Ideally he would work fewer hours if it were possible, as others have suggested might he be able to do an extra hour one night and an hour less another, so you don't get the arrival at what is a bad time for you ?

Or, alternatively, put her to be by 7 every night - ifshe starts waking earlier it's win win as he can spend an hour with her in the morning before he goes out ?

Original poster
Tryingtostayyoung · 28/06/2016 19:34

Unfortunately we have no side entrance to come through the back and her bedroom is above our drive way and front door so the minute she hears that door or cars she jumps up, we've tried sneaking in, it doesn't work.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tryingtostayyoung · 28/06/2016 19:36

I did try putting her to bed earlier but she just wouldn't go.

She's 3 and a half.

OP posts:
WinniePooh101 · 28/06/2016 19:39

I do understand where you're coming from and I don;t think you're being unreasonable.

DP and I both work full time, we have a 14 month old daughter, DP leaves for work at 5am before we're up and gets home around 8pm. Our daughter is always reluctant to go to bed but just like your daughter gets so excited when he comes home that her bedtime has now become 9.30pm is and that's with one of us driving her around in the car for half an hour to get her to go to sleep! We don't have an evening anymore and it's so knackering.

I think your husband needs to make sure he leaves work so he's home in time to see her for a bit every other night and work late so she's in bed on the other nights. It would be a lot calmer for everyone.

Original poster
Tryingtostayyoung · 28/06/2016 19:42

Chocchoc totally, it would be so much easier if he encouraged it because then could stop the problem but he doesn't encourage it if he comes in at that time, he comes in nice and calm telling her that it's bedtime now and late but she just gets so excited.

I'm dreading this scenario right now, who's due home any minute and I know what's coming

OP posts:
BackforGood · 28/06/2016 19:42

Does he have the autonomy to schedule the meetings to be all finished early enough to come home, spend time with her, and then settle down to do a couple of hours of admin / emails / reports / write ups later in the evening once she's asleep ? Like teachers do ?

Parker231 · 28/06/2016 19:43

I love the comments telling DH's what time he can come home. It's his home too and he can come home when he wants. I imagine he wants to get home as soon as he can so he can spend some time with his DD.
DH and I would usually get to nursery at roughly 6.30pm to collect DT's - it would then be madness at home with dinner, bath and bed. We worked as a team and got things done but the advantage was we both got to spend time with DT's.

GreenSand · 28/06/2016 19:45

Can you move about the bedtime routine a bit? So get her bathed if you do that daily, and in her night clothes early enough so when DH comes home, they can play, but the stuff left to do before sleep I'd really quick? Teath, story, kiss goodnight?
I don't think either of you are being unreasonable.

Original poster
Tryingtostayyoung · 28/06/2016 19:46

Winniepooh Flowersthat sounds like hard work... I just don't think I'm being that unreasonable. I feel like I'm the bloody bedtime police all the time, he's definitely more relaxed than I am about it which is probably also part of the problem even though he is supportive.

She's sitting here yawning her head off and I've given her her 10min countdown till bed by I know he's going to be here any minute and its will fuck up the whole thing

OP posts:
Original poster
Tryingtostayyoung · 28/06/2016 19:49

Backforgood unfortunately not that would be perfect!!

Greensand I already bath her earlier before dinner so that when he gets home he can always spend maximum time playing with her so when it comes to bed at 8, we go upstairs, quick wee, teeth, little cuddle and asleep by 8:25. I just can't see the answer for everyone to be happy.

OP posts:
Shouldwestayorshouldwegonow · 28/06/2016 19:54

Totally get you op but yabu.

She's 3 and a half so presumably able to chat and understand the rules well? It's the routine with or without daddy and that's that. Keep positive and support each other so keep on message. If you are both there both go the routine and then bed. No messing.

You can't possibly let a 3 and a half year old dictate when her dad should be able to come in from work.

Honestly been there and done that as my dh worked away and when home it was just like your situation.

Maybe try star charts for good bedtimes and up later as a treat on s Friday? Her choice of DVDs?

Potatopie3 · 28/06/2016 19:57

I struggled with the same issues, until a friend told me that she had a much later bed time for her child, 9pm, and the child woke up at 8.30am. She deliberately for the child into that routine as she was sick of her husband turning up at the exact time of bed - thought he was wriggling out of spending time with his child. This way, hubby who comes home at 8pm is promptly given the child then and he can sort out the bedtime routine.

Of course, this may not always be possible, tried this with mine as a SAHM but as he hears DH going to work he always gets up 7am... Sigh!

Potatopie3 · 28/06/2016 19:58

Sorry 'deliberately got the child'

Dancergirl · 28/06/2016 19:59

should I don't think the OP's dd is dictating as such, she's excited to see her daddy after not seeing him all day.

OP, would it be practical to let your dd stay up a bit later? What time is she up in the morning and is she at nursery?