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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH coming home from work at bedtime

87 replies

Tryingtostayyoung · 28/06/2016 19:25

Genuinely looking for some advice as I'm not sure who IBU.

DH is out of the house everyday from 7:20 in the morning so DD only sees him for 15mins before he goes to work so when he gets in she is very very excited. I would say on average one night a week he works really late so gets home after bedtime and then 2/3 he gets home at around 6:30-7ish. Now the problem... The other 1/2 nights a week he seems to get home at near enough the same time I would start bedtime (I take her up at 8:00) so sometimes he'll get in at 7:50, sometimes it'll be 8:10 etc. This really pisses me off because she gets so hyper when he gets in and refuses to go to bed because she wants to see him (he does insist she goes to bed) and will cry and cry and cry which just totally wakes herself up and only then means bed even later than if I just let her spend half hour with him and then go to bed. This isn't so bad if it's one of the nights he walks in at 7:50 as I would then take her up at 8:20 butt if he walks in at 8:10 it means taking her up at nearly 9. I said to DH that if he is going to walk in later than 7:40 then he shouldn't bother coming home until 8:25 when he knows she will be asleep because I think it's unfair on me because I'm the one that doesn't get to sit down till late, unfair on her because she is tired and unfair that we don't get the hour and a half together that we normally do (I got to bed at 10). He thinks this is ridiculous and unfair as he wants to leave work as soon as he can, come home and have dinner. Please help!!

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 28/06/2016 20:01

Why don't you sign up to a gym (just for a month) and every time he comes home at an inconvenient time, just put on your trainers and leave the house. Come back an hour later when, hopefully, she'll be asleep. I doubt you'd need the membership for more than a month.

He's very inconsiderate. He's not even happy with the situation as it is, is he? He doesn't get to eat until late and by then the evening's gone.

If he thinks of it in work terms, how would it be if five minutes before they started an important meeting someone burst in and started talking about something completely irrelevant? He'd have a word with them about managing time and certain things have to be done at set times. It's the same at home.

DubiousCredentials · 28/06/2016 20:03

I think you either have to have a 7pm or 9pm bedtime.

TheMshipIsBack · 28/06/2016 20:03

I suggest moving bedtime earlier and letting DD have a little playtime with DH in the mornings. Even if the target bedtime is 7pm instead of 8pm, your DH will miss 1-2 more bedtimes/week, but you'll both get an extra hour of together time in the evening. You'll still have the excited little girl to deal with the nights he comes home at 6:30-7, but it'll feel like you have more leeway if things stretch out and DH won't have to wait for dinner.

TheMshipIsBack · 28/06/2016 20:04

Dubious Great minds

AddToBasket · 28/06/2016 20:06

YABU. I can't believe you expect your DH to stay away from his own home after a full day at work/commute.

Move DD's bedtime.

Chinks123 · 28/06/2016 20:08

I get what you're saying but yabu, I don't get home from work till 8.30 pm so by that time DD is already in bed. But I'm dying to get home and relax so I'd be annoyed if I was told I couldn't come home yet. I have rarely come home from work and found she is still awake and oh said to not let her see me as she'd get hyper, but she heard my voice and shouted me in her room. I gave her a kiss, she said "mummy's home" and fell asleep like she'd just been waiting for me
Sorry no help to you, but if dad coming home really hypes her up you'll have to try to get her to bed before or later than the bedtime she has now. Pain in the arse I know.

Shouldwestayorshouldwegonow · 28/06/2016 20:12

dancer I meant dictate in a nice way iycwim.

Ragwort · 28/06/2016 20:13

Are you out at work yourself?

My DS went to bed at 7pm at that age, lights out, door shut.

I did try putting her to bed earlier but she just wouldn't go - what do you mean 'she wouldn't go' - make it clear that it is bed time; don't fuss over her.

Original poster

Tryingtostayyoung · 28/06/2016 20:17

So DD had been in bed 10 mins, DH walks in, DD shoots up and starts shouting not for him. He comes up, tells her a little story hen says daddy has to go downstairs and eat dinner now goodnight. She's now wide awake. Fuck sake.

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 28/06/2016 20:19

Go out! Coat on, jump in the car and don't go home until she's asleep.

Cheby · 28/06/2016 20:20

DH does bedtime then, simple.

Put your foot down. If he's going to walk in and disturb her, then he needs to stay upstairs and settle her, not come down and eat dinner.

I agree with a PP. Find an excuse to go out as soon as he walks through the door.

LostInMess · 28/06/2016 20:21

OP, I feel your pain. Three of my four children are currently busy next door with 'Fun Daddy' while I bf the baby. 'Fun Daddy' does not, however, have to get them all out of bed tomorrow morning and off to school (he leaves around 6), nor deal with the teatime meltdowns.

He's off for two days the week after next. I'm heading out before they get up.

RunnerOnTheRun · 28/06/2016 20:22

If she is 3 I would be running her ragged all day, no naps, bed at 6.30pm, 7pm latest! It really works.

Original poster

Tryingtostayyoung · 28/06/2016 20:23

She has to be up everyday at around 7ish, if I move her bedtime to earlier then she will see him even less than she does now and I don't think that would be fair on either of them plus for whatever reason when she has gone to bed earlier it has meant she is up and wide awake at around 6:00 which is really difficult for me as that is when I study.

Actually tbh she is nearly asleep so it hasn't worked out to bad this evening whoever suggested having him come up and do the story and leave you are a genius!!!

OP posts:

villainousbroodmare · 28/06/2016 20:25

"...really pisses me off..." "...fuck up the whole thing..." "...bloody bedtime police..."
You sound very angry. That must be tough for everyone involved.
I'm a working mother and I am like your DH - sometimes 6pm, sometimes 7.30, sometimes, miserably, I don't make it home for DS's bedtime at 8, sometimes I postpone clients and see them after 8pm. Then I have to rush to be home again at 10pm (DS is 11mo and still wakes for a bf). I work all day as fast as I can to try and get home. I don't take lunch. I've sometimes sat outside the house if I think I might arrive at an inopportune moment. That is not nice.
I think your options are to move bedtime to 7 or 9, or to gently but firmly insist that bedtime is bedtime and irrespective of who is at home or not, that's simply it.
But from the perspective of the working-outside-the-home parent, it's not a walk in the park either.

Original poster

Tryingtostayyoung · 28/06/2016 20:28

Lostinmess this is exactly how i feel. My DH is honestly lovely and is very hands on but like I previously said I feel like the police most of the time and he's the fun one when we're together but he isn't the one that has to get her up dressed to nursery, cleaning, cooking, shopping, bills, play dates, school trips the list is endless. It's not that I mind, I very much chose this life but I feel like I ask for very little and bedtime is important to me because it's the only time I get me time.

Runner, she is busy ALLLLL day and no naps!! She sleeps from 8:30 till 7 so gets 10.5 hours of sleep, she has never slept a lot even when she was a baby.

OP posts:

foursillybeans · 28/06/2016 20:30

Tbh - not in a judgy way honestly - I think that is quite late for your DD to go to bed. Could she not go to bed at 7pm and save all this bother? Could your DH work some flexitime and work a bit later several days and then go home early one night a week?

Swissgemma · 28/06/2016 20:36

thos happens to us a lot! Dh often gets home during bed routine. We just switcheroo! I go and start/finish off dinner of head out and walk the dog! But if dh is there for bedtime he does it alone. Bed is bed it all happens in the same order every night regardless of what combination of parents are around!

LostInMess · 28/06/2016 20:37

trying, it's a nightmare, isn't it. Mine don't see him in the morning, so I don't want to stop him. But it's really not helping me or them. They are all now wide awake. The younger two will still get up on time but struggle towards the end of the day. The eldest (8) will not be able to get out of bed in the morning, be in a foul mood when she does and then we'll either be late or nearly late and only manage that by dint of a lot of shouting.

But they stay awake for him now and it happens every single night. Am just having to let it wash over me now, otherwise I get REALLY angry!!

HermioneJeanGranger · 28/06/2016 20:39

The other option is DH gets her up earlier in the morning and gets her ready while you lie-in, and spends quality time with her then. Then, you get her to bed early (so before DH gets home, maybe at 7-7.30pm) and then she's not craving daddy time because she's had it in the morning.

Then when DH gets home, you both get downtime from long days and some childfree time together, or doing your own thing if thhat's what you'd prefer.

PhoenixReisling · 28/06/2016 20:42

I actually don't think you are not being unreasonable. I do however think that maybe bedtime is late...does your Dc nap?

My DC were a sleep by 7pm, with no naps at that age and tended to sleep straight away. However, children are different and some sleep later. I would find that sometimes DH, would come home before bath/bed and that was it (he mostly arrived after bedtime).

If they were awake or heard him, It didn't matter who put them to bed, but they would go to bed later (as they kept themselves awake, being over excited or over the fact that DH was putting them to bed/being home). This would result in some very grumpy children the next day......

pearlylum · 28/06/2016 20:47

Family is for was like this for many years. I think 8pm is very late for a 3 year old, overtired children can be difficult to handle.
I wonder OP if your DD is also picking up on your stress.
I had two under 5, My OH would get home anywhere between 7 and 9pm, no set routine. He would be as boring as possible, we would already be into our bedtime routine and carry on as if nothing was happening.

doesntmatterwhoyouare · 28/06/2016 20:50

As young (under 2yr olds) whoever worked had to wait for a text to say it was all clear to drive up to the house if it was around bedtime (dogs barking at our car would give the kids lots of notice we were near). Now we tell them we both have jobs to do but will come up to.kiss them once they are asleep which for some reason is accepted as fine.

HeteronormativeHaybales · 28/06/2016 21:03

Surely if bedtime is generally his job, the hyper excitement will settle/stop?

Perhaps he could call home just before he leaves work? Then she'll have spoken to him and that will help diffuse some of the excitement, plus he can give her a rough ETA and perhaps say 'and dd, you'll be ready for bed and we'll read a book together then it's time for sleep, yes?'

Hereforthebeer · 28/06/2016 21:03

yabu - he's had a long day at work and probably wants to see her too. And you say he's supporting you.
he just needs to tell you by 6 what time he's getting in. then you can plan for it.

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