DH coming home from work at bedtime

[Tryingtostayyoung]

Genuinely looking for some advice as I'm not sure who IBU.

DH is out of the house everyday from 7:20 in the morning so DD only sees him for 15mins before he goes to work so when he gets in she is very very excited. I would say on average one night a week he works really late so gets home after bedtime and then 2/3 he gets home at around 6:30-7ish. Now the problem... The other 1/2 nights a week he seems to get home at near enough the same time I would start bedtime (I take her up at 8:00) so sometimes he'll get in at 7:50, sometimes it'll be 8:10 etc. This really pisses me off because she gets so hyper when he gets in and refuses to go to bed because she wants to see him (he does insist she goes to bed) and will cry and cry and cry which just totally wakes herself up and only then means bed even later than if I just let her spend half hour with him and then go to bed. This isn't so bad if it's one of the nights he walks in at 7:50 as I would then take her up at 8:20 butt if he walks in at 8:10 it means taking her up at nearly 9. I said to DH that if he is going to walk in later than 7:40 then he shouldn't bother coming home until 8:25 when he knows she will be asleep because I think it's unfair on me because I'm the one that doesn't get to sit down till late, unfair on her because she is tired and unfair that we don't get the hour and a half together that we normally do (I got to bed at 10). He thinks this is ridiculous and unfair as he wants to leave work as soon as he can, come home and have dinner. Please help!!

(My older two slept those sort of hours, or a little less, at that age. 7pm bedtime was utopian. And the youngest looks as if she is going to follow their example )

My DC bedtime was always 7pm at that age. 7.30 at the very very latest.

I do think that you might benefit from enforcing an earlier bedtime. You might also want to think about star charts for good girls who stay in bed.

My dh used to be late home most night from work during the week when all 3 dcs were little5,3 and newborn....( he had no choice due to his profession) I had a routine of bath/ story bedtime by 7-7.30 so unfortunately dh didn't always see them when he came home as they'd already be asleep( and if he came home earlier we found out it was easier all round if he didn't disturb routine!).....he did however like cooking so would quite often be pottering around cooking our meal as a way of unwinding - win win situation!
However he would do the bedtime routine when possible and at weekends
Don't think dcs even noticed he didn't see them every night for bedtime when they were that age tbh!

hereforthebeer and have no set bedtime for the child? Some nights it may be 6.30 , but other nights it is 9pm according to the OP.
The whether the father wants to see his child after a long day at work in of secondary importance to his DDs bedtime routine.
A child is not a plaything or a toy to cheer up a tired parent. Her needs must come first.

villainousbroodmare I'm not angry, I'm trying to make light of the situation, tongue in cheek. I'm definitely frustrated though and i don't think he does find it easy knowing what to do, I'm not trying to attack him, I'm trying to find a solution.

To answer a few questions, 8 is definitely not too late for DD, she doesn't need another hour, she goes up and is asleep by 8:20ish, if I take her up at 7 she will stay awake until 8ish and if not will wake up somewhere between 5:45 and 6 and I don't see how that's better for anyone so I find it better all round, she had no naps, she doesn't even try to. Some children don't need 12hours, I've found this the best time.

Tonight I tried an earlier suggestion of him not doing bedtime (as she gets too excited) but just having him come up and do a story and leave and it worked, she was still asleep by 8:25. That's honestly the easiest bedtime when he's come home in the middle that I have ever had so far, hopefully I've found something that works for us all.

We have a similar routine except my daughter goes to bed at 9pm, knackered and gets up slighlty later in the morning.
We all eat together around 7-8pm, then bath, book and bed.
She is exhausted and I get a lie in.
Also get your DH involved in bedtime a bit. A book at least!

And I never said that we interrupt her bedtime so he can see her, neither of us feel like that trumps her routine. We just have a problem that bedtime and his arrival home happens to clash 1/2 nights a week which interrupts the routine as she is excited, not because he does anything wrong.

We have similar here but a little earlier in the evening. Dh comes in, sits with her as she has a glass of warm milk, they chat a little about their day and then we all do bath time together. Then either he does stories and I do dinner or the other way around. Maybe there's a routine you can build around bedtime that works

And DH does bedtime aswell but she is just to excited for him to do it when he gets home that late and won't settle down with him.

Sure, I see that. I can just see myself as the DH in the story too.

Maybe this evening's plan can continue to work. I hope so.

Sounds a nightmare, DD has also never been an early-to-bed type, so I think 8 is fine. DH was normally home way before bedtime but when he's working late it was a pain in the arse if he walked in at the wrong moment. But he would often stay and sort her out and settle her down.

I would actually make him do that, even if he does end up with a 9 o'clock dinner, just so he can see what it's like. Being a SAHM to a full-on non-napping toddler is exhausting!

We have the same issue. DS1 nearly 4 has ASD and if he sees dh he wont go to bed till about 10pm. It is really hellish as i am totally done by 7.30pm and need some child free time. We agreed that he wouldn't come in before 7.30 (even if that meant going for a pint/coffee/sitting in the car for 20 mins) and that i would do a signal when i took ds1 up and turn the porch light on. I would also open the door so he just had to push it silently then creep into the living room while i did stories and bed upstairs.

Once he turned the key at 7.20 and i was just about to take ds1 up. I was stood in the hallway and quickly stopped the door, hissed 'you can't come in, i haven't taken him up yet' thru the crack and then shut it. Then i took ds1 up and 30 mins later went downstairs expecting him to have let himself in once he had seen me walk up the stairs thru the glass. But instead there was just his bag strap poking thru the side of the door. I opened it to find dh sitting on the doorstep in the rain in winter. I had caught his bag in the door so he couldn't go off to the pub and he was too scared to let himself in.

We have now agreed that he will work later in the morning so he sees the boys for an hour before he leaves and he wont be home till 9-9.30.

DH used to want ds1 to stay up and see him, but the next day he was ratty and exhausted and it was horrible for both of us. So i said that was just too unfair.

Rivertam if I said that to DH he would do it, he has in the past, but I feel really bad because I don't feel like he's been a dick or actually done anything wrong, he doesn't hype her up, he just comes home from work, say hello to her and eat his dinner. He definitely feels my pain and doesn't think im moaning or anything but at the same time I think he doesn't quite understand why it's such a big deal to me as he is more relaxed than me when it's comes to bedtime.

Trying I think we might be sharing the same child :) I can run my daughter ragged and yet she still doesn't need naps during the day, only naps if we're in the car and has taken to getting up full of beans at 4am, 5am if we're lucky! And that's with a 9.30pm bedtime.

Winnie omg that is insane!!! We have a saying in this house- nap means no sleep- if she naps at any point during the day (which will only happen if we are in the car and is very very rare and it goes on ANY longer than 30mins it means that she will be full of beans, wide awake for an extra 1hour and a half, she'll go up to bed but will not sleep, eyes wide open!!!! Some children just don't need loads of sleep, she still gets 10.5hours.

I don't think my dc ever were in bed for 7pm even when they were very small. Depends on the child, you can't always force an earlier bedtime.

No, I know he's not hyping her up, but that doesn't matter, the end result is that she is hyped up. I would work out the difficult window for him to return in and ask him to avoid it.

Dancergirl I think people become very fixated on bedtimes for certain ages. Every child is different, DH nephew is also 3, he goes to bed at 7, my DN is also 3 and goes to bed at 7:30.

My DS who's 3 is rarely asleep before 9, and its often closer to 10. He wakes about 8.30 and rarely naps in the day now, though when he does it's late - 4 or 5 pm. It's just the way he is, and it suits us all at the moment as DH and I usually aren't home until 7pm.

DS will be starting nursery in September, morning session, so I imagine things might change then and he'll start sleeping earlier.

Mirime you will probably find it does, before going to nursery DD would go to bed at 8:40 (asleep by 9:10) and wake up in the morning at 8.

mirime you will probably find that it does. Before starting nursery DD would go upto bed at 8:40 (asleep by 9:10ish) and wake up around 8am

Getting into the habit of playtime when he gets in might have been your problem I think. Maybr try and get her in to the habit of just expecting a story and calm cuddles. Easier said than done I know, especially if time he gets in is so variable, but worth a try. My DH has always got back 7-7:30, so kids usually all ready for bed and he takes over with stories and settling them to sleep whilst I cook tea. We've never really had much trouble with them getting hyped up, but does happen sometimes. Maybe been easier to avoid as although a 'bad' time to get in at least it's more consistent. Also, I think easy to fall into roles to them of "mummy is for doing stuff for me and daddy is for playing with". The more stressed you get the worse this is. I found 3-4 y.o. really tough for this as they really pushed the boundaries and mucked around a lot a bedtime. So of course if i've spent the last hour getting more and more fed up of trying to get them into the bath, then out of it, then chasing naked toddlers to wrestle into pjs followed by shouting teeth a million times, of course they are then going to be happy to see the parent whose going to be nicer to them.

Before starting pre-school ds1 rarely slept before 11pm and a couple of nights a week it would be 1am and most nights he would need to be driven/walked round the streets for hours till he nodded off. He dropped his naps at 18mo. Then when he started morning sessions at 2.5yo he would be so exhausted he would fall asleep on the sofa about 3pm and that meant no sleep till 1-3am. It was a nightmarish cycle. It seemed to settle at 3yo and he started going to bed at 7.30 and doing 12 hrs. Just as ds2 arrived, who at nearly 2 has only just slept longer than 3 hrs and never sleeps past 6.30am regardless of how late he goes to bed. Sigh.

This is why DH coming home and unintentionally exciting them is not an option for me. I am now pregnant and due dc3 and i need a break and some sleep!

I could have written this myself! It drives me mad! I'm very lucky in that my DD still manages to have a quick play with DH and still settles ok, but if given enough warning that he will be home at an awkward time I put her to bed slightly early. I know this sounds mean, but for us, the fallout of her tiredness lasts at least a couple of days. She will be starting school soon and I don't want her to suffer from being too tired to learn.

Tryingtostayoung we're still co-sleeping so September could prove interesting! I'm hoping he'll be ready to sleep in his own room before then but no sign so far. He has got a bit possessive of it and definitely sees it as his - but not to sleep in.