DH coming home from work at bedtime

[Tryingtostayyoung]

Genuinely looking for some advice as I'm not sure who IBU.

DH is out of the house everyday from 7:20 in the morning so DD only sees him for 15mins before he goes to work so when he gets in she is very very excited. I would say on average one night a week he works really late so gets home after bedtime and then 2/3 he gets home at around 6:30-7ish. Now the problem... The other 1/2 nights a week he seems to get home at near enough the same time I would start bedtime (I take her up at 8:00) so sometimes he'll get in at 7:50, sometimes it'll be 8:10 etc. This really pisses me off because she gets so hyper when he gets in and refuses to go to bed because she wants to see him (he does insist she goes to bed) and will cry and cry and cry which just totally wakes herself up and only then means bed even later than if I just let her spend half hour with him and then go to bed. This isn't so bad if it's one of the nights he walks in at 7:50 as I would then take her up at 8:20 butt if he walks in at 8:10 it means taking her up at nearly 9. I said to DH that if he is going to walk in later than 7:40 then he shouldn't bother coming home until 8:25 when he knows she will be asleep because I think it's unfair on me because I'm the one that doesn't get to sit down till late, unfair on her because she is tired and unfair that we don't get the hour and a half together that we normally do (I got to bed at 10). He thinks this is ridiculous and unfair as he wants to leave work as soon as he can, come home and have dinner. Please help!!

I think I must live in a whole different universe to everyone else. I always get home after 8 and if after 10-14 hours at work my DH told me I could come in I would be mightily pissed off, not to mention tired and hungry.
Let the poor man in!!

Couldn't come in

I agree with caravan, a toddler shouldn't be able to dictate so much and if I was working long days and partner told me I couldn't get in , take shoes off, relax etc because the toddler is trying to sleep I'd tell them to stuff it for a game of soldiers! OP you need to find a solution that works for you but not involving DH being banned from his own house

I don't think that my DD dictates anything in my house, she's just excited to see her daddy, 5 days a week the most in one day she will see him is for 15min in the morning and 1hr and 15 in the evening (if he gets in at 6:45) and It makes her hyper, she'll still go up to her bed willingly but finds it a lot harder to settle down.

I think I've taken on board that majority of people think it would BU to tell him he can't come home yet and isn't what i really wanted to do but felt like their was no other option, I think some other people on here who have probably been through the same thing agreed with me and that's probably because they realise that it just isn't that simple. Thankfully the idea someone gave me last night worked and I will try it again when it next happens; hopefully I've found out solution.

Those posts are all said by people who's dc sleep/slept. If dh comes home 20 mins before bedtime the Dec are up for 4 more hours, screaming, fighting to stay up, ruining our quiet dinner and generally making the evening miserable for everyone including dh. Then they are awful the next few days ruining whatever plans we have. So that 20-30 mins makes life hell for days. Why does dh having 20 mins extra at home trump all of that? And he certainly wouldn't be kicking off his shoes and relaxing in that time! [cofused]

Sooooo, you want your partner to stay out of the house because it's more convenient for you?

Get a grip

I am shocked at some of the comments.

I know the dh doesn't try and get her excited, but he does. So THAT is the problem. No playing. He comes in, she's already in bed. he talks to her very quietly, finds out about her day. possibly reads her a story. The thing is ALL she wants to do is to SEE him. that's what counts. so if its all kept very whispery and low key, she is happy and drifts off.

And You could also say something to her, ie along the lines of: From now on... this is going to happen on so-and-so-nights, and that is going to happen on so-and-so nights. Then she knows exactly where she is -

"I know you want to see daddy, but you get so excited, that you then cant sleep". (ie this is actually a hidden threat, if you don't sleep, I might consider stopping you from seeing daddy) - "so from now on, you and daddy will have extra special daddy time, very quiet, he will creep up, once you are in bed and tell you a story......"

If I was her, I would have LOVED this. And this could work.

I think perhaps you are partly at fault for allowing DH's arrival times to dictate her bedtimes so this gives her the impression she should see him before she sleeps. Have you tried putting her to bed at the same time every night and if DH comes back in time he can read her a story and become part of her bedtime routine and if not, she goes to sleep anyway. That might change her expectation.

This is what happens with my DH. If he hasn't come home by bedtime, DS goes up anyway. If DH comes in, he closes the front door very quietly so he doesn't disrupt bedtimes. If he hears DS is still awake, he'll come and sing to him, if not then he'll see him the following day.

We got to this point organically somehow, but I do remember having similar problems.

Good luck finding a resolution OP.

Agree with SoEverybody. Even now my daughter is 13 she goes to bed a t a set time. If he is back when she is awake, she gets a hug, otherwise she will see him at breakfast.

I feel your pain, I had this problem with two toddlers with a 16 month gap! Almost worst for me was when I had just got them into bed and asleep, cleared up the house, poured a glass of wine and sat down, and then he'd arrive home. And the last thing I wanted was to talk, I just wanted to stare at shit tv and drink wine and not think!

It sounds as if you've found something that works. If your DH knows that if he comes home at bedtime then it's his job to quieten your DD down and get her in to bed, then he's getting quality time with her and also he will be a lot more motivated to keep it quiet and low key as he will be the one who needs to keep going up to settle her!

I also think that bedtime is late and if it was earlier and she got up earlier she'd see him in the morning.
It's nigh on impossible to shift bedtime by a whole hour (I'd suggest more actually) at once but 10 mins a day is perfectly doable. She won't notice.
My DH commutes and leaves very early to get in at bedtime. It's our routine now. Tea, milk for DC2, bath one after the other, pyjamas, then daddy arrives, quick recap of day, DC1 watches something on the tablet, and whoever isn't cooking our tea does teeth and story.

No child should be getting excited post 6pm.
The whole point of a bath, pyjamas, bed time story 'routine' is to calm them and get them ready for bed.