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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to do a 'no presents please' party?

117 replies

inlovewithhubby · 28/06/2016 13:54

Desperately trying to distract myself from Brexit with party planning.

Daughter's 5th bday party in early September. Party is for pre school friends, other friends and some new school friends she doesn't know as well and who aren't 'friends' yet but who will be in her new class - I thought including those kids in her class who live locally and whose parents we know would be a good start to school.

Would I be unreasonable to ask people (apart from her bezzy mates) not to bring gifts? It will be big - 25 to 30 including some siblings - and that many presents would be far far too much. And how would I word it without appearing chippy or accidentally assuming gift giving in the first place?!

We always did no present parties til eldest started school. It worked really well with our friends. Now all her classmates share parties and usually ask invitees to bring one gift per party to share out. That works well too but again we know these people and have similar views on massive present hauls. This time though I'll potentially be asking people I don't know as well and don't want to appear rude/weird/chippy because of Brexit. Would love your advice.

OP posts:
Original poster
inlovewithhubby · 28/06/2016 23:16

Ps we had a no present wedding too 😊

OP posts:
OutsiderInTheGarden · 28/06/2016 23:23

Worry I would only turn up without a gift for the birthday child if I was asked not to bring one, as per the OP. If the parent didn't say anything about gifts then I would assume to take one. I never assumed this party would be at home either; somebody else brought up something I had said in a completely separate thread, where my mum had hosted our DCs party at her home. I don't think it's relevant to this thread, but someone else brought it up. So I'm not sure what's not to get.

marblestatue · 29/06/2016 02:15

I'd feel awkward turning up at a birthday without a present, as we'd have presumably accepted a gift for a party of ours last time. I think it's simplest to not say anything. I never know what to make of "no presents please" invitations TBH as if everyone else brings something anyway I wouldn't want to be empty handed.

OlennasWimple · 29/06/2016 02:28

marble - simple: you take a card, so you aren't empty handed; it Dan be as thoughtful or not as circumstances allow; and none of the guests will know if there's a gift card inside or not

I love no present parties, or Toonie parties (though didn't know that's what they were called)

OlennasWimple · 29/06/2016 02:29

Dan = can

MrsWorryWart · 29/06/2016 08:47

OP, glad you have worked out what to do. Had you put some of that info in your OP, then us strangers may have had different responses Grin

Millionprammiles · 29/06/2016 09:31

OP: good decision.

My dd doesn't appear to give a toss how many presents she gets or what toys other children have. She struggled to come up with more than a couple of toys she really wanted when I asked her to write to Santa.
Long may that continue.
Far rather that than a child gleefully counting up piles up presents, comparing who gave what (cause you know thats the next stage..), being outraged by someone who (gasp) only bought a sticker book.

And to the poster who said whats wrong with a pile of plastic tat - have you heard of landfills?

Fanfeck · 29/06/2016 09:44

I toyed with the idea of doing this a couple of weeks ago for DD's 5th birthday.

17 children invited and we have a very small home plus she's not even really a "toy" child.
I didn't though and I'm SO glad! The boys and girls were so delighted giving their gift and I've never seen her so happy/mesmerised opening them.

She got some really lovely stuff and has gotten great use out of everything. Jigsaws, lovely rucksack, tattoo kit, canvas to colour on herself, secret diary to practise her writing, frozen blanket, water beaker, nail sticker kit etc.

Perfect timing too as we have had lots of her friends over now summer is here and I'm really really grateful for all the new bits and pieces they can emmerse themselves in!

OutsiderInTheGarden · 29/06/2016 09:48

Looking at the children in our extended family, it's the children who get sacks of presents and treats who do all the present counting and comparing, and the children who get fewer, more meaningful gifts who don't do these things. My brothers and I got fewer presents as children than cousins or friends, and I don't remember us ever counting presents, or being bothered by what other kids had. And we had amazing birthday parties with games and crazy cakes made by my mum, but the presents definitely weren't the main focus of the parties.

Dancergirl · 29/06/2016 10:27

For those who think I'm mean - she'll get presents from her very many family members and 4-5 close friends, and for me, that is plenty for a 5 year old

Sorry OP but is is mean. Family presents are different. Kids LIKE to give their friends something and it's nice to encourage giving and choosing something their friend will like.

If you don't want so many presents, have a smaller party.

Millionprammiles · 29/06/2016 11:09

"Kids LIKE to give their friends something"

Then make a card/cake or something. Going to a shop and buying a toy says nothing about how much you adore your best buddy. It just says you/your parents can spend money in a shop.

KoalaDownUnder · 29/06/2016 11:48

By that logic, Million, all adult presents should be homemade too, as buying someone a present 'says nothing'.

That's just silly.

Millionprammiles · 29/06/2016 12:04

By the logic of this thread asking guests not to buy a present shows your mean.
Conclusion? There is no logic.

(That landfill is real though.)

Tworingsandamicrowave · 29/06/2016 13:21

Are you giving each attendee a party bag as they leave? If so, you will need to explain to your DC why they get a present for attending her party and she gets nothing. Confused

Dancergirl · 29/06/2016 13:30

No, don't do party bags. They're full of plastic tat and contribute to landfill.

And be careful with the party tea - it MUST be sugar free and organic.

FFS

OutsiderInTheGarden · 29/06/2016 14:01

What is so awful about trying to avoid plastic or other 'tat'? Surely none of us denies that we do have a problem with consumption, waste and global warming? Who wouldn't want to do something about that?
And it's a bit of a leap to assume that a parent who might want to cut down on plastic or other 'tat' would only allow their child to have sugar-free, organic (and I'm guessing you're implying 'no fun') food.

Millionprammiles · 29/06/2016 14:09

"Are you giving each attendee a party bag as they leave? If so, you will need to explain to your DC why they get a present for attending her party and she gets nothing."

Ah but dd will get a party bag too - ta da! Grin
Filled with raw food, hemp and directions to the nearest recycling centre.

I don't mind being in the minority on this one. Sometimes its preferable not to be part of the majority [coughs quietly].

OutsiderInTheGarden · 29/06/2016 14:17

And what would be so awful about not doing party bags anyway? These kids are not deprived, for crying out loud. They won't have a break down in later life all for the want of just one more temporary tattoo set or flashing bouncy ball or some such rubbish. I didn't do party bags at my DS's birthday, admittedly he's only 1 but most of the children were much older and no doubt used to having party bags. None of the kids appeared to expect one, or to care one bit that they weren't provided.

And there was even sugar in some of the party food, shock horror.

PresidentCJCregg · 29/06/2016 14:21

I think it's a bloody awful thing to do. It's a 5 year olds birthday. Presumably she has been to loads of other parties and taken a gift along.

It's her turn! She's 5! Who are you to decide she doesn't get gifts from her friends?

Charity shop them later if they go untouched but don't do that. How would you have felt as a 5 year old if nobody gave you a present? Would you truly have understood or felt pretty sad and confused?

Floggingmolly · 29/06/2016 14:31

Seriously, Outsider... No presents or party bags? Why don't you go the whole hog and just stop doing parties full stop? They don't exactly sound like a riot anyway.

Dancergirl · 29/06/2016 14:34

outsider no kids are not deprived and no one will die if they don't get a party bag.

But childhood is short enough these days and that 'plastic tat' brings children a (albeit short) bit of joy. Parties are not the time for worrying about too many presents, the environment or junk food. It's a party, it's supposed to be fun and light hearted. I can't believe how much over thinking goes into these things.

OutsiderInTheGarden · 29/06/2016 14:54

Well thanks Flogging that's lovely of you. But I think my DS had a great time with his family and friends, playing games and eating cake. So I'll just continue to do it our way, thanks all the same.

I agree that parties are about fun and meant to be lighthearted dancer, I also agree that sadly choldhood is far too short. I just don't believe it's a bad thing to want children to have a little less stuff, especially when they have so much already. Personally I think a child can have wonderful, memorable parties, even without dozens of presents, or party bags, or whatever. I think most of us parents probably had fewer presents when we were children than kids do now, and I think (hope) most of us would say we had a lovely childhood. I think my OH and I qill be doing our DCs a big favour by encouraging them to think less about presents and 'stuff' in general, and more about the meaningful things.

And of course this should all be a case of each to his own. But I do find it quite surprising and a little bit sad that people are happy to call someone mean, or suggest they're depriving their child if something vital, for simply wanting to have fewer bits of plastic and toys that the child didn't need in the first place.

Dancergirl · 29/06/2016 15:04

I just don't believe it's a bad thing to want children to have a little less stuff

Agreed. But a 5 year old's birthday party is not the time to do that. Buy less at Christmas and stop buying small children expensive electronic equipment or mobile phones or expensive clothes. I would much prefer a child to enjoy playing with a cheap toy than an iPad for example.

SheHasAWildHeart · 29/06/2016 15:05

Tbh DD hasn't ever had a party with her friends - does that make me a bad parent? She had her first birthday party in three different cities with extended family, second birthday was with in laws in one city and another party with my family in another city, for third, fifth and eighth birthday we went abroad - as her birthday always falls in the school holidays. All other birthdays we went to a restaurant as a family. Her most recent birthday was spent at the airport, so no party bags, no cake - she was given a few colouring books which she opened at the airport and a Star Wars toy. She goes to a lot of her friends birthdays and buys presents, gets party bags etc. But she hasn't suffered from not having this on her own birthday. However, if you are doing a party then be prepared for presents and not every party I've attended has party bags.

OutsiderInTheGarden · 29/06/2016 15:16

I see what you're saying Dancer. Our DS doesn't have those things, partly because he's far too young. I guess another of looking at it would be to buy fewer things, but better quality if you can afford it, so that things last longer. But I don't agree that a birthday isn't the time for having less. Birthdays and Christmas tend to be when our consumerism really goes into overdrive, so it would seem to me to be the best time to do hold back a bit, to have the greatest effect.