AIBU to do a 'no presents please' party?

[inlovewithhubby]

Desperately trying to distract myself from Brexit with party planning.

Daughter's 5th bday party in early September. Party is for pre school friends, other friends and some new school friends she doesn't know as well and who aren't 'friends' yet but who will be in her new class - I thought including those kids in her class who live locally and whose parents we know would be a good start to school.

Would I be unreasonable to ask people (apart from her bezzy mates) not to bring gifts? It will be big - 25 to 30 including some siblings - and that many presents would be far far too much. And how would I word it without appearing chippy or accidentally assuming gift giving in the first place?!

We always did no present parties til eldest started school. It worked really well with our friends. Now all her classmates share parties and usually ask invitees to bring one gift per party to share out. That works well too but again we know these people and have similar views on massive present hauls. This time though I'll potentially be asking people I don't know as well and don't want to appear rude/weird/chippy because of Brexit. Would love your advice.

How would you word it? If you say no presents people will assume you want money.

We give £5 or £10 to all girls in DD class ,but it's a small class and it was discussed between all mums who are all quite close.

Saucy I did. A small token for a hostess, which in my mind is always the done thing. At the same party we asked people not to buy gifts for our DS, nobody was offended (as far as I have heard) and most people respected our wishes.

Most 5 year olds don't have 25-30 actual friends.

So if you insist on inviting that many children, I think you'll have to suck up the fact most will want to bring presents.

Gift giving on birthdays is a cultural thing, and many people feel very awkward turning up empty handed.

They'll feel even more awkward if your child's best friends waltz in, carrying nicely gift wrapped presents too, because they've been 'allowed'.

I don't think it's a big deal and you can always re-gift (remember she's going to get a shit ton of reciprocal invites from 25-30 kids), or give to charity.

I agree that it should be no presents at all, rather than presents only from close friends. That might make people feel a bit uncomfortable when they turn up empty handed.

The children at other parties will have had their friends round, fun games and yummy cake too, Outsider. And presents...
And as to the many lovely things the child has already; they'll go on play dates soon and see how having many lovely things already doesn't preclude their friends from being allowed presents at their birthday party.
If you seriously can't accommodate some extra toys in your house, just invite the child's closest friends instead of banning presents like the birthday grinch.

Well. To most people's minds it's the done thing to turn up to a kid's birthday party with a present for the child and not the adult hosting it.

But hey ho. Your bubz, your rulez Hun.

(Although I do actually feel a bit sorry for your kid)

I would assume you were asking for a cash gift, without actually wanting to ask for it.

But Flogging is it really so difficult to just explain to a child that just because other people had something, we're not going to do the same? We are going to do things a bit differently? I really don't think this is being grinchy. Otherwise how far do we take this. "But mummy, Oliver had a cake, a party, more presents than me and an entertainer!" Well tough luck, Oliver, life is a bitch and we can't afford an entertainer. Obviously I wouldn't say this to a child, but I think you see what I am getting at.

Unless Saucy you set the expectation with a simple, polite "no gifts please" as people here have suggested.

Some people might put cash in a card aswell especially if they don't know you

To a 5 year old's birthday party? Does this happen? I'm with you, OP, and have wondered the same myself, but am getting the idea that it wouldn't go down so well...

You expect a gift as the hostess, Outsider? . You, who could easily explain to a small child that just because all their classmates get presents at their birthday parties it doesn't mean they're going to??

Yes Flogging when I go to somebody's home for a party or some such occassion I would always, always take a small token for the host/hostess. I usually take flowers, or some home made biscuits or something like that. And no, I will have no difficulty whatsoever explaining to my DCs why we have fewer birthday presents than others. I think I'm doing my child a favour, so does my OH.

Still no good reason as far as I can see. And I charity shop or recycle EVERYTHING. It's unnecessary and joyless to ban presents.

Love the idea of Toonie parties in Canada-may well use that idea myself.

I don't think you are BU. Every parent I know bemoans the huge pile of presents after parties, so I don't think many people would disagree with what you're asking.

Yes, it seems fairly easy for you to explain Outsider.

"Mummy, why does Oliver get lots of presents at his party- but on my birthday you get people to get you presents instead of me?"

"Well darling, that's because Mummy is a narcissist and she expects special thanks for giving you a birthday party instead of just being pleased you had a lovely birthday and got lots of presents for you like a normal mum."

Simples.

Some people might put cash in a card aswell especially if they don't know you

To a 5 year old's birthday party? Does this happen?

We said no presents please (or something like that) to DD's 5th b'day "party", she got some presents including one cash in a card.

Toonie parties sound great. 50p/£1 for a charity and the same for the birthday child to spend - what's not to like? Less angst for parents and - back to the birthday party - it should be fun rather than unwrapping presents/comparative present giving/parent trying to remember who gave what for thank youletters or regifting. I think most kids would prefer it. And more time for fun, fewer stressed parents and kids.

Fiona and Me clearly a properly worded invitation would preclude people from presuming money was asked for unless it was a Toonie party in which case sums could be stated like 50p.

Saucy Presumably the 5 year old will have family presents to unwrap which surely should be enough? Unless of course you have shares in Party Pieces which celebrates overpriced though delightful stuff on which they've made a fortune.

Toonie could catch fire and make everyone's lives simpler. Just like Secret Santa, which teenagers/staff prefer.

However I confess to being GrinchMcGrinchFace. Had two parties for my DC, one of them shared, and then gave up when DC was six. DC was always invited to others, took presents and I always offered to bring cakes/sandwiches as well. Had one birthday party myself - perhaps it's a family thing - until I was old enough for teenage friends to organise/share. I've never felt deprived and my DC says she didn't either.

We had a 'no gifts needed' party, it worked out really well, some kids brought pressies because they really really wanted to. Others drew pictures and things instead, it was lovely!

Unnecessary and joyless.

I agree with this sentiment.

They're little children, they won't have many parties like this, the pile of presents is a complete joy for them.

Talk of giving to charity, re-gifting, donations, money in cards etc. Yeah, fine in a few years, but no need to get in such a twist now.

What's wrong with a pile of "tat" anyway? One man's tat is another man's treasured memory.

Send out the invites, have a massive pile of presents, loads of sugary foods, loud music and silly games. Go on, knock yourself out .

Outsider, you are very hypocritical. You're more than happy for a child to get no present, at a party where some children will be bringing presents and others aren't allowed to, yet a host should receive the common courtesy of a gift

We had our first party this year, I wasn't looking forward to the gifts but my kids opened them later and loved them. Lots of kids give sensible gifts or ask what you would like.

MrsWorry I said earlier that it would be best for everyone to be asked not to bring presents, rather than some bring them and others not. And yes, when a party is hosted at somebody's home I believe that etiquette demands that I take the host a small token gift. As I said earlier, I normally take flowers or something of that nature. I don't know if that applies in this instance; it's not clear if the OP is planning on having the party at her home. But yes, that's what I believe, and I'm perfectly comfortable with you believing that I'm a hypocrite. If OP asked me not to buy her child a gift I would respect her wishes, and I think it's a perfectly good idea.

Oh get over yourself Saucy. You've completely twisted what I said in my separate post. For starters, I would remind you that my mother was the host, not me. Do I think it would have been polite for people to give her a little bunch of flowers as the hostess of a party in her home? Yes. What a terrible person that makes me.

I cannot fathom how you'd be more than happy to turn up to a child's party with no present for that child. Yet you'd take some lovely flowers or home made biscuits for the host. Doesn't make sense. At all.

I'd be very surprised if this was a party at home, given the amount of children attending.

Bloody hell what happened here?!

Ok - thanks everyone, really useful stuff on here. I see it is a contentious issue but I'm not alone so I'm happy to go ahead on that basis.

For those who think I'm mean - she'll get presents from her very many family members and 4-5 close friends, and for me, that is plenty for a 5 year old. We have found that ours are bamboozled at Christmas with so many gifts and we end up opening them for days. That's not what I want for my kids. They are very lucky and I want them to appreciate that. I want to include a wider group to scoop up some of the new school children so that its a nice ice breaker before they all start together, but I don't want 10 more presents as a result.

My daughter will be cool. She sees her sister coming away from a shared party with about 4/5 presents from about 20 people. She likes plastic tat as much as the next 5 year old but wouldn't see 5 lots (rather than 25) as anything other than fabulous. We have no present parties for we adults too, so yes to the person who asked. We all love parties, we just don't want people to feel they have to buy us stuff. As other posters have said, I'd have no issue explaining this and she'd have no issue understanding it either, and I bloody love her for that.

I love the Toonies thing - I might just nick that and run with it. It's brilliant, so thank you.

The Brexit thing at the end - not sure anyone really thought I was being serious so won't even address it. And to the person who says you can't talk about anything on mumsnet without Brexit being mentioned, it's the single most important constitutional event of our lifetimes, and likely those of our children, so probably not a surprise that it's a topical issue currently. It's likely to be so for quite some time to come too.

Thanks again everyone, really helpful.