AIBU to be upset at MIL offer?

[LittleReindeerwithcloggson]

I have a 7 year old DD (who I will call Lily here) and an 8 year old niece (who I will call Daisy)
Lily is very sporty. Plays county level at tennis, is above average for her age swimmer and is on the club gymnastics squad. Daisy hates sports but is very musical. Plays violin and clarinet at grade 5 level and plays in the school orchestra.
MIL does not say much about Lily's achievements but is constantly praising Daisy. She has now offered to pay all fees for Daisy to go to an expensive private school so she can concentrate more on music. She has 8 other grandchildren (including Daisy and Lily's own siblings) but is only offering to pay for her. Am I BU to be upset about this?

Presumably Daisy, as well as being naturally talented, has worked hard to achieve these grades at the age of 7.

Hopefully.

And Lily has trained hard in her different chosen sports. A reasonable grand mother would be happy to give her parents the same amount that Daisy received, to ensure she can compete internationally for example.

is it the case though that the GM thinks the parents of Lily can easily pay to support her in sports as much as she needs it? We've certainly had decisions like that shake-out in our family. Daisy is being helped perhaps because the parents need the help more?

My DS has just won a local festival at grade 5 level, beating other children in their teens , but if he were to compete in a big city like London or Manchester I doubt he would stand out in any way.

To have a career in classical music is VERY hard, there is a lot of competition and even somewhere like the Menuhin school only 2% get a career as soloists. My DS is not on that scale and I know that. I hope he will have a lot of fun out of music in his teenage years, go on to play music recreationally for the rest of his life, but I wouldn't necessarily encourage him to pursue it as a career.

Of course he may want to and I wouldn't stop him. I do think I have a realistic understanding of how good he is though!

In my experience (and maybe even MIL if she has any) private school is not always an advantage to young sports people. They do more sport and get a chance to try more BUT they are in school longer and often don't have time to join local sports clubs.

Great swimmers locally are in the pool at least 4 times a week at your DD's age, and the competitions to be in are organised by clubs and of a higher level than school (even prep school) galas. Similarly for Tennis - I know schools which offer superior facilities at Secondary level (eg. huge indoor courts for training all year), but for your DD's age access to good courts and coaches is probably enough.

But your niece does sound very talented in music, again I'd think she was probably a bit young, unless they are considering something like a choral scholarship.

I suspect there are a few steps between being on the local gymnastics team and competing internationally! Op it's your Mil's money to do with as she pleases. What I can't understand is why she would tell you rather than arrange with Daisy's parents and keep it all hush hush. If you child is genuinely talented at sport then look into specialist private schools. Otherwise let her carry on enjoying the sports she does just now. If she's outstandingly talented then she'll be noticed and then you can sacrifice your family life to every waking moment being filled with training.

I think it changes things that there are eight 'other' grandchildren here, so either nine or ten in total (I'm not quite sure whether 'other' included Daisy). This means that unless she is really very, very wealthy it is out of the question that she would pay for private school for all of them (it might be within the boundaries of possibility if there were fewer of them). I think that makes the decision more justifiable, both because she is not just picking one of two children, which would be much more directly hurtful, I think, but also because demanding equality for all would mean that there is no chance at all Daisy could have this. It sounds like it's not a choice between Daisy having it or everyone, it's a choice between Daisy having it or no one having it. Given that, I think it's easier to see why she would make that choice.

I do think, though, that the praise is a different matter, and that someone (ideally your husband) should make it clear to hear that it isn't acceptable for her to only praise one child's achievements.

I can see why you're not happy but what do you think your MiL should do if she can't afford to send all 9 children to fee paying schools? Does she pay for Lily and Daisy, who are the two who are displaying talent or should she decide not to fund any of the grandchildren but instead sit on the money until she dies when she can leave equal amounts to each grandchild. The latter would be fairer but giving money to a grandchild now would make so much more difference to the development of their talents than in 30 years time.

I don't know how to quote (!) but I do know about swimming, because my son swims for a club. They can't compete until they're nine (ASA rules) so that's rubbish about her being asked to compete when she's eight. And my son is 'good for his age' and has only just gone up to swimming four times a week so I can't imagine there are many seven year olds swimming that much "already".

But all that aside, I can't imagine the kids would care who pays for your niece to go to school. Or, in fact, that anyone pays. Do kids care about that sort of thing? Being treated equally doesn't mean exactly the same, it's about equality of opportunity.

I have a relative who is in his teens and is British champion, expecting to be in the Olympic team in 2020. He's at an ordinary school (grammar, FWIW) and there's no special interest there in sport. All of his training is at night and at the weekend - it has struck me that if his parents didn't have the money, he wouldn't be in the position he is - that's been confirmed by the relative's father. It costs a lot to train and be coached and compete.

If I were your MIL I would perhaps contribute towards extra curricula activities for each of her grandchildren. I don't think your niece has to go to a specialist school at this age.

It's mil money so up to her. I know if I was Daisy's mum I would not be turning it down.

One of my friends was very very musical talented and her grandparents paid for her to go to private school but her brother went to state school. No fall out has ever be caused between the two of them ( now 39,41 years old) and my friend has gone on to have a marvellous music career and her brother went in to law as he always wanted.

Your MIL has 8 grandkids.

Maybe she once thought "I'd bloody love to put them all through private school b8t I'm not made of money. Tell you what, if one of them really excells at something I will put that one through and hope I can help nurture their talent"

Not too far beyond the realms of possibility.

Not what I would do as a grandparent. But not "wrong" per se.

Would you turn it down if it were offered to Lily and no other grandkids?

If I had a niece that was so exceptionally talented at music, I'd want her to go to a specialist music school, preferably on a bursary.

Sport is something I think you can nurture out of school, at least, swimming training takes place out of hours several times a week, I know lots of children at all types of school who do it. You do not need to go to private school to be an excellent swimmer, although once they become early teens, many people do choose specialist training for sports (e.g. tennis).

I get why it seems unfair, but I think what the MIL has done is fine myself.

If Lily wants to become a professional at a sport at some point she would have to choose between tennis and swimming and put a great deal of time into the one she chose. Tom Daly went to a residential specialist school for swimming.

Be careful not to communicate your resentment to your dd, OP. This will affect her entire outlook on life, feeling that it is bad for someone else to have something if she can't have the same.

I think this is what happens, though. If you have a particularly talented member of the family, they get special treatment to encourage that outstanding talent. Unless your MIL can afford to pay fees for all of them, then it's not unreasonable of her to dish out her resources on a child who has outstanding talent.

I'm sure the rest of the gcs are wonderful and lovely children, and are treasured and loved, each for their own specialness, but a talent which is recognised by the world, society as it is, (and can therefore be encouraged), well, it's lovely that MIL wants to do that.

Maybe if your child excels sufficiently at sport MIL will offer to send her somewhere where that will be nurtured too. You don't want her to go to a special sports school though (does such a thing even exist?), you just want her to go to a special school, just because it's better than the school she's currently at, not because everything will be built around her special skill. That's just jealousy, really. Understandable, but not a thing you should give into.

Be glad that someone in your family has that sort of talent and is lucky enough to have it fostered. Maybe one day, your own child will do something outstanding enough, that your MIL will offer to pay for special coaching for her.

I don't understand why the grandma is paying fees for a private school tbh.
My dd school fees are next to nothing for us, there is no way we could afford private and the music isn't very good compared to a specialist music school.
Why would she want to pay for one who could get it almost free, and not use that money for all of them, she can't have done her homework.

Maybe suggest this OP. The fees are paid on parents income, chances are unless the parents are on a huge salary they will get assistance with the fees, much more than a bursary or scholarship from a private school.

KathyBeale ASA rules say that a child can compete in interclub competitions at the age of 8 so it's not rubbish. It's 9 for any higher level.

As far as the school it's a good private one that doesn't specialise in music but has a good orchestra and enters a lot of music competitions.

And yes, the relationship between my SIL and me might be the cause of my resentment but she got straight on the phone to tell me about MIL offer which I felt was a bit unnecessary!

As regards private school for the others, there are 10 grandchildren in total but 6 are 13+ and probably wouldn't want to move schools even if offered.

It would be nice if MiL even acknowledged my daughters achievements and that is also probably part of my annoyance but I don't think it's ever going to happen!

I shall just keep smiling sweetly to all concerned!

As regards private school for the others, there are 10 grandchildren in total but 6 are 13+ and probably wouldn't want to move schools even if offered.

Well, firstly, that actually means they're at much more crucial educational stages than your daughter - going to a really good sixth-form is likely to make much more difference than the school you're at when you're eight.

Secondly, if you're honest with yourself, you wouldn't see it this way if your children were the older ones, would you? You'd still see it as deeply unfair.

I have sympathy with you, but I can't help but shake the feeling that you're not actually upset about inequity but about what you see as a slight on your child - if it were the other way round would you really be refusing on principle?

I think it's unfair as its not a specialist music school, which would be more justifiable. So what it has an orchestra and it enters music competitions?She could join an orchestra out of school and enter lots of competitions too.

Sorry, I didn't realise there were different age rules for different types of competitions.

SIL was out of order to tell you and obviously you know her so can draw your own conclusions to her motives.

Sport is more inclusive and if your DD is as good as you think and continues to excell and progress then she has a very good chance of getting a sports bursary to a private school if that is what you want for her. It's probably worth starting to look into this now as some also have prep schools and there might be a possibility to get in earlier .....plus there are good and not so good private schools so you want to research which would be good fits for your daughter.

And you wouldn't have to be grateful to Grandma 😀

"I think this is what happens, though. If you have a particularly talented member of the family, they get special treatment to encourage that outstanding talent. Unless your MIL can afford to pay fees for all of them, then it's not unreasonable of her to dish out her resources on a child who has outstanding talent."

That for me sums up everything which is wrong with the way our culture views education. That most is given to those who are the most successful, and least to those who are struggling.

Motivated, talented, hard working and well-supported children achieve regardless of what school they are at. If they weren't already achieving highly then private schools wouldn't look at them. There are plenty of chances to do sport and music outside school and there are massive numbers of people making a success of careers in these sectors who have come through the state school sector.

The children who REALLY need additional resources are the children who aren't already thriving in the state sector as these children are more likely to go on to fail academically and experience unemployment and benefits dependency when they leave school.

THOSE are the children who should be having more intensive one to one specialised input, not the ones who are already winning prizes left, right and centre.

I find it utterly bizarre that someone would make a case for successful children to have more resources put into their education than struggling children.

Oh and OP - I would say something to your MIL, otherwise this will fester for years.

I suspect my MIL has passed a good chunk of cash over to SIL, who has had three children at private schools while appearing to not earn very much. If this is the case at least they've had the good sense to keep their mouths shut about it.

I don't buy into all this "It's her money, she can spend it how she likes" crap!

OP, I would be extremely pissed off about it too! I may be projecting a little as my parents always favoured my sister and in turn favour her children over mine, hence I am non contact with them.

I think your MIL is acting in a grossly unfair way.

Yanbu it's very unfair. Things like this lead to resentment. How would she explain to one child why she will be happy to pay fees for one and not another? If I was Daisy's Mum I wouldn't accept unless all the cousins were given same opportunity. Not saying she should pay 8 sets of fees, but she could say share our fee money and each child could use for tuition.

My MIL has wanted to give my eldest lots of money in past, but I have told her to put in savings account and share out when she knows how many grandchildren she will have. I would feel very uncomfortable if my children had far more then my BIL and SIL children.