AIBU to be upset at MIL offer?

[LittleReindeerwithcloggson]

I have a 7 year old DD (who I will call Lily here) and an 8 year old niece (who I will call Daisy)
Lily is very sporty. Plays county level at tennis, is above average for her age swimmer and is on the club gymnastics squad. Daisy hates sports but is very musical. Plays violin and clarinet at grade 5 level and plays in the school orchestra.
MIL does not say much about Lily's achievements but is constantly praising Daisy. She has now offered to pay all fees for Daisy to go to an expensive private school so she can concentrate more on music. She has 8 other grandchildren (including Daisy and Lily's own siblings) but is only offering to pay for her. Am I BU to be upset about this?

[BertrandRussell]

If I were the MIL I'd be talking to the parents of all my grandchildren and explaining why she was making the offer to Daisy, if, as I suspect, it's because Daisy has real talent that couldn't be accommodated in an ordinary school

But there's no reason why she should, I suppose.

[whois]

Grade 5 in two instruments at 7 is potentially real talent.

Yes agreed, that does show tallent.

I agree it isn't exactly fair to offer to pay for one GC but like oyu say MIL does have a special interest in music.

[grannytomine]

If she is a music lover I think that explains it. It can also be because one child needing more support, maybe not in your case but I have 3 GC and 2 are academic the other has a talent that I encourage and support with private tuition at a cost of about £2k per year. Never occurred to me that the others would be bothered, the whole family are proud of his achievements.

I have no interest in sport but sit through various sports fixtures to cheer GC on but I honestly have no idea of what help they might need. If parents said we need x I would try to help but I wouldn't know what to offer.

[laidbackneko]

I might be missing the point of the thread to say that Grade 5 at 8 is very good but not exceptional. Also, that life as a classical musician is not an easy path. To get to the top of the ladder, you have to be prodigiously gifted, plus a lot of hard graft. A career as a concerto soloist is beyond the reach of most, even highly talented, players as it requires a rare combination of many factors.

Then there is earnings to consider. An top orchestral musician's income on average barely hits 30k. Most do not even reach 20k. A music teacher's salary is much the same.

What is your MIL's intention for Daisy? Is it to try and give her a good foundation education? Or is with expectation that she will be a professional musician. Because it is a vocation and only time will tell if she has the calling.

[Sonotkylie]

My not remotely D mother would do exactly the same thing. And its 1 (but only 1) reason I can't stand her. However, she praise DS to the skies to my brother, which drives him potty too. Is she doing a bit of divide and rule? I don't think YABU but there is little you can do except find ways of fostering your daughter's talents as you already are. (You could stick pins in an effigy when you feel up to it)

[2rebecca]

Your niece is unlikely to become a professional musician unless she is in a specialist music school. Talented sportsplayers have lots of clubs they can join outwith school. My son is wondering about doing a sport professionally but it wasn't a sport he did at school. My stepdaughter went to a specialist music school and is now at a conservatoire.
Sometimes music school too early can pressure a child in to feeling they have to continue down the music line when they've changed their mind though. Talented musicians can often get scholarships as others have said.

[TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams]

She may have offered on the presumption that a stonking bursary will kick in at some point? Bursaries are often not offered at prep level but available at secondary.

On paper it is unequal treatment but it sounds as though Daisy might be a very talented little girl.

There are downsides too of course? Would you be that keen to see your MIL fund your child's education, feel like she could have an opinion on her results, have a hissy fit if your child suddenly decided that 4 hrs a day practice in music/sport was no longer for them and they wanted to be an ordinary school girls again.
Gifts like this come with all sorts of other obligations and expectations.

[BertrandRussell]

Is Lily talented?

[LemonBreeland]

If Daisy is talented in music she could still go to a conservatoire from normal school. One of my family members did just that.

[ParanoidGynodroid]

Is Daisy the daughter if MIL's own daughter? It sometimes seems to me that the daughters children are favoured over the sons

I read about this a while ago. Grandparents often , if only subconsciously, do favour their daughters' children over their sons'.
This is because they know for sure that the children are their true genetic descendants.
With a son's children there is a subconscious element of doubt!

BTW, YANBU - a very shortsighted and divisive move of your MIL's.

My MIL wanted to pay for our DS to go to private school and made it clear that he was the favourite (we had two DDs also at the time). She also wanted to choose the school and have a say in his parenting. Unsurprisingly, we told her to naff off.

[Mouikey]

Unless you want to get very resentful over this, i would draw a line under it and move on. Of course its unfair, but your MIL can spend the money as she wishes. Your SIL can or cannot choose to accept the gift, but if her DD is that talented it would be a real shame to constrain that talent because of family politics.

Try not to become resentful or bitter about it and I wouldn't have any conversations with the family either. Wish your niece well and encourage your daughter with her sports :)

[Whatthefreakinwhatnow]

Grade 5 in two instruments at 7?!

Wow, that's very impressive. I'm not suprised your MIL wants to nurture her talent if she can afford to, she has serious potential for a very successful career in music!

If course you want the same for your DD, but if she's not for example playing at national levels already, then with all due respect she's not really in Lily's league and a specialist school isn't necessarily right for her.

[tootyflooty]

it is unfair, but not much you can do about it, maybe MIL will address the balance in her will??, so the dgc receiving money for her education will have this taken into account later?, if it is really concerning you ,maybe have dh have a polite chat with her.

[anna1313]

I would find it galling too, but I know my mother tends to favour my daughter over my brothers daughters (to my brother's understandable irritation). I would not say anything, just take on chin, be pleased for your niece and praise your daughter which I am sure you do already.
Stitch up bitten tongue over large glass of wine later?

[LittleReindeerwithcloggson]

Niece is grade 5 in both instruments and is 9 next month. Not being musical I don't know if that is good but it does seem to be judging from the comments. She is a lovely little girl and I enjoy listening to her play. I don't begrudge her the opportunity it's just the fairness of it I struggle with!

[cingolimama]

Loopy, by any measure, Grade 5 at 8 years old is definitely exceptional!

OP, I understand your feelings, but honestly, your niece sounds like she has a special talent and passion. It's a talent that is eye-wateringly expensive to support, and your MIL's contribution can make a real difference.

Try and reign in your (understandable) resentment and decide to be generous about this. MIL may decide to support your Lily in the future.

[BertrandRussell]

Is Lily talented too?

[Wafflenose]

I have been teaching woodwind for 20 years and have come across quite a few children of Grade 5+ on violin at 8/9, but exactly zero on clarinet. It's practically unheard of. I teach one amazing little girl the same age, who has been playing for 18 months and is about to do Grade 3 - I'm hopeful she'll get into a national orchestra next year. So... wow.

Having said that, of course it's unfair! Your DD sounds fab too, although I know next to nothing about sport!

[MrsJayy]

Mil values the arts over sports it isnt fair though Daisy is getting preferential treatment the cousins will notice on their own and it will cause resentment I would be miffed too. There is a family in my extended family where a Gc was preferred it caused a huge rift and the grandparents didnt notice till it was to late

[BeckyMcDonald]

My MIL is about to do this for my SIL's eldest. She uses the fact she's a good musician (she's slightly above average) as an excuse but really it's because she's her favourite grandchild. There's no getting away from it.

It's hideously unfair and is part of the reason we have very little contact with her.

[Originalfoogirl]

I wouldn't correlate the two - compliments and offering to pay.

My grandma has dozens of grandchildren. I hear aaaaaaallllll about their children and how wonderfully talented they are. She rarely praises our girl's achievements beyond the "oh that's good"

However, I know when she is talking to her other Grandchildren, she tells them aaaaaaaallll about our girl and how well she is doing.

Our girl needs a fair bit of additional stuff because of her disability. My parents often offer to pay for it for us. Are they beholden to offer the same monetary value to my sister for her boy? No, they help her in different ways.

Being fair doesn't mean being equal. If I had a family member who was so talented, I'd be really proud of them and happy someone was giving them a great opportunity, not being competitive over whether my child should get some too.

[BertrandRussell]

Ideally, it should be a family discussion. But if there is a family member who actually needs a specialist education, for whatever reason, and there is a way to get them it then surely it should happen.

That's why I am interested in whether Lily is equally talented. Because so far it doesn't seem like music being preferred over sport, but real talent being preferred over quite good.

[dowhatnow]

What message does that give to all the other GC, especially Daisy's own siblings? Is her mother going to accept the offer?

[Witchend]

I have experience in the sports you mention and actually a certain amount is about opportunity at that age. She may be very good, but what you have actually written doesn't make me think she's exceptional.

Grade 5 in two instruments is very good, certainly verging on the exceptional. I know my family member who is now a professional musician was similar, grade 5, grade 4 and 2 grade 2s if I remember correctly at that age. He's a musician specialising in a totally different instrument that he didn't take up until he was in his teens too.

Plus not many good sportspeople actually learn at school. What they may gain from private school is one that is prepared to be flexible so they can train outside during school time. However at 7yo that certainly isn't anything like necessary, even at the top end.
At the other side a music school can have top teachers that are looking for new talent and do bring the children on. If you watch young musician of the year then you'll know that a very high proportion of the finalists come from a very small subset of schools.

And finally your dd is a year younger. It is possible that she is planning on offering similar. I don't think she will, because as you've said she has an interest in music, plus it really does sound like your dn is more exceptional in her field. That certainly doesn't mean that in the long run she will be higher than your dd in her field, but that is how it sounds at present.

[arethereanyleftatall]

There isn't any national competitions for sport at 7 years old, so a child even if they were destined to be an Olympian couldn't compete nationally. U9 is when sport starts mainly, but even then, it will be more about body size and who you know.
So, sport vs music can't be compared.