AIBU to be upset at MIL offer?

[LittleReindeerwithcloggson]

I have a 7 year old DD (who I will call Lily here) and an 8 year old niece (who I will call Daisy)
Lily is very sporty. Plays county level at tennis, is above average for her age swimmer and is on the club gymnastics squad. Daisy hates sports but is very musical. Plays violin and clarinet at grade 5 level and plays in the school orchestra.
MIL does not say much about Lily's achievements but is constantly praising Daisy. She has now offered to pay all fees for Daisy to go to an expensive private school so she can concentrate more on music. She has 8 other grandchildren (including Daisy and Lily's own siblings) but is only offering to pay for her. Am I BU to be upset about this?

[HuskyLover1]

That's really odd. Children and Grandchildren all treated equally in this family.

[dustarr73]

If the child was so so and Mil wanted to plough her money in i would say thats unfair.
This is not the same.The child in question seems to have real talent.If she was denied the chance that would be awful.

[Originalfoogirl]

What message does that give to all the other GC

🙄 Why on earth does everything have to be about "sending messages" to children. When did we stop just actually telling children how it is? If I were Daisy's mum or aunty I'd simply be pointing out that Daisy has an immense talent, that it is a great idea to nurture that talent and aren't they all lucky to have a grandma who can do that for Daisy. Then maybe those grandchildren won't grow up to be spoiled, entitled brats "well, if sheeeee got something, I should get it too"

[BeckyMcDonald]

But what about a child who is average who may go to private school and the benefits may give them a real boost and they become excellent? What about a child who may get Ds at GCSE but would maybe get Cs and Bs if they were to go to private school?

You can't differentiate between your grandchildren unless you realise you migt cause serious, lifelong resentment.

My MIL wrote off all her grandchildren bar one at reception age. They've all averaged out now and the 'superstar' eldest has become but a mere mortal. But she'll still be sent off to private school because, well, they've decided she's the chosen one. It's a bloody awful message to send to such young children.

[sharknad0]

I hate it when parents (or grand parents) treat children differently, so I think YA NOT BU at all.

However, there isn't anything you can do about it unfortunately. I would keep quiet, and try to hide my feelings in front of my own kids. You don't want them to notice that their grand mother has a favourite.

Little Daisy might benefit with help in her music, but I am sure the other 7 could benefit with help in other areas (even if they only get the money later). Of course, people have the right to spend their money as they like, it's a shame to do it in an unfair way towards young children.

[HidingBehindThisUsername]

Can you not all (you, your DC, wider family) help celebrate Daisy's talent. Yes she is being offered a wonderful opportunity - for what sounds like an extraordinary talent. Celebrate rather than begrudge. Teach your DCs that.

BTW I am not saying I would not be a bit peed off initially too - but you cannot change your MIL offer - you can change how you react to it.

[MunchCrunch01]

i agree with Original, I don't think you should let generally lucky children whinge about perceived unfairness because it's just buying into a mentality of them being a victim whereas most of our DC are really very lucky indeed.
Presumably Daisy, as well as being naturally talented, has worked hard to achieve these grades at the age of 7.

[Wafflenose]

I have been thinking about this some more. There might be other ways to nurture Daisy without being so unfair to the other grandchildren - could she not get a government assisted place to one of the music schools?

[BertrandRussell]

Daisy will presumably be going to a specialist music school because she is particularly talented

You don't need to go to private school to get good GCSEs. You do to get a specialist musical education.

[hownottofuckup]

I think your MIL is at liberty to spend her money however she likes tbh.
I always do.

[LittleReindeerwithcloggson]

Thanks for all your answers. Bertrand it's hard to answer if my DD is talented as I am not a sports expert in any way. Her tennis coach says she is outstanding and she has recently been approached by a local swim club who wanted her to train with them and compete when she is 8. I just feel that if she does have great talent then the opportunities at private school would really make the most of them. However, other posters have made me question whether I would take it if offered due to other DD and I really don't know the answer to that one! Hypothetical anyway! I will just smile nicely and say well done to Daisy and unbearably smug sister in law

[dustarr73]

Plus if the shoe was on the other foot and it was your dd that was extremely talented im assuming you would turn Mil down.After all its not fair on the other gc.

[Aeroflotgirl]

That is unfair, if she cannot extend her offer to the others, but at least your dd is not the only one being left out so not too bad imho. Also MIL is interested in music herself, so has a vested interest in the musical grandchild.

[HumphreyCobblers]

I have a child who is at the same level and age, but only with one instrument. I would still think it rather unfair that one child is offered money to go to a private school because of musical talent. It is not exceptionally good for that age really, although she MAY be very talented.

I might think differently if the child in question had got into a specialist music school, but just a private school? Not really. There are many other ways good music can be encouraged, we are hoping DS will go to a conservatoire on saturdays in the near future.

I value music very highly indeed, and am very proud of my son. But I wouldn't accept the money for him out of consideration for his siblings and cousins. It could turn out extremely divisive.

[Atenco]

I don't think fairness means that because your MIL could not possibly afford to send all 8 grandchildren to private school, she should not send this one grandchild who possibly would seriously benefit from it. The child has shown she is capable of hard work in this area.

[dowhatnow]

I might think differently if the child in question had got into a specialist music school, but just a private school?

Ditto

[NewLife4Me]

YANBU and I would have to say something.
There are specialist music schools that Daisy could attend that offer far more than any private school can and are far cheaper.
The MDS can cover most of the fees for these schools, whereas a scholarship or bursary are only worth a fraction of the MDS.
With this in mind mil isn't just favouring one child but is wasting her money that she could share between them all, what an idiot.

[BertrandRussell]

Oh, I thought it was a specialist music school we were talking about? Is it not?

[Originalfoogirl]

unbearably smug sister-in-law

....is where the problem really is.

[HumphreyCobblers]

It just says expensive private school in the OP.

So the niece gets a better (if you see it that way) education in all areas, not just music.

It would rankle with me.

[TamyQlass]

A few thoughts for what their worth. Real sporting talent emerges a bit later and there are many opportunities outside of schools in clubs (and also schools of course) far fewer for music, where talent and aptitude emerges earlier. I have a very talented DS, sadly put sports before music in his teens when his sporting prowess came through. Whilst immensely proud of his sporting achievements (GB U16, 18 and 23) I do have regrets about his lesser tapped musical talent. Personally I'd go with generous fee offer and look to ways of redressing the balance with other grandchildren.

[grumpysquash]

Supposing Lily, rather than being generally good at various sports, was grade 5 at ballet at the age of 7, what do you think would happen then regarding the GM support for specialist teaching?
A hypothetical question, I know, but I'm trying to pick apart whether she is favouring one child or giving the opportunity for something specialist that otherwise wouldn't be available.

[NewLife4Me]

I may have read wrong Bert

OP, is it a private school or a specialist music school/
They vary quite dramatically.

[MunchCrunch01]

i am always a bit shocked by what is not deemed to be exceptional on MN. We've got a few brilliant people in my family, know quite a few more and I'm still amazed at the level of achievement of this 7 year old...I'd be smug about any of my DCs if they were doing this well in sports or music. Hmmm, must be a more motivated parent and stop mumsnetting!

[grumpysquash]

I also meant to add that surely being 'treated equally' doesn't mean being treated the same. I treat my children equally and fairly; I don't spend equal amounts of money on each.