AIBU about a holiday (EU FREE ZONE)

[Cutecat78]

Had a holiday booked for a few months. It's 1 week away in the UK.

DS (14) texts me from his dad's on sat night asking if we are free "X date to X date. His dad always has him for a week or so in the summer but always arranges the dates with me first.

I said no that is when we are on holiday. He texts back saying oh well Dad (we split when I was PG it's all amicable and we both have new partners and other children) has a holiday booked then too he wants me to go.

I say well if your dad wanted you to go he should have checked it out with me first.

DS texts back saying I should run my dates past his dad first I'm like you live with me so any time you aren't "normally" with your dad I would presume you are with me and there is no way I am running my holiday dates past him first.

DS wants to now split his holiday in 2 which I am really upset about as its my only week with the kids and am taking my step kids and will be the only adult as my OH had to go away (with the military) so already feel my "family" holiday is disintegrating.

AIBU to feel really bloody pissed off that his dad has discussed this directly with DS before discussing it with me as usual and has put me in a really shitty position of either only having a few days away with DS or being the bad guy and saying no you can't go with your dad.

FFS of course YANBU

You booked a holiday during YOUR contact time.
Your ex booked a holiday during YOUR contact time.
The onus was on him to check ds was free.

Plus, if he wanted to change your contact arrangements he should have spoken to you about it before he spoke to your ds.

OP YANBU. Your ex normally checks with you so no reason why he shouldn't this time it's quite silly of him to book something without checking with you first it's just courtesy with you being the resident parent. I would call your ex and talk to him about the situation and see if he can change the date or do something else with your son at a later date. It's not fair that your time with your son will be cut short.

peachpudding seems to be writing on the thread, the posts are incoherent.

PumpkinPies38 - can you please stop stalking me. REPORTED

Amazed at the idea that a 14 year old can choose to change family holiday plans after they had been discussed with him, booked and paid for.
He agreed to go with his mum and step-siblings.
He doesn't get to back out now and ruin it for everyone else who was looking forward to a family holiday together.
And if the standing arrangements were that her ex always checked with the OP before making holiday plans with the DS etc then she is definitely not BU.

PeachPudding is the father right? So aggressive about everything, and asking the same question over and over even though it's been answered. Got some agenda for sure.

I understand why you are upset but YABU and your split seems far from amicable.

Your ex has every right to a holiday with his do

You are both at fault for not checking with each other. I would let ds choose.

Yanbu.
I'd approach it from the angle that it is the only chance for him to be with all his siblings and he's already been on holiday with his dad so it's only fair to have a holiday with you.
You can let you ex know that you are sorry it's worked out this way but you booked first and he didn't check.

Stick to your guns.

Actually your ds is trying to please everyone and is feeling guilty. Take that decision out of his hands to take the guilt off him. Tell both him and his dad, he is going with you for the above reasons.

dowhatnow

That was my thinking too.

Why would I take him away for a long weekend? I have booked a holiday with him, his 2 siblings and 2 step siblings.

I have been in their lives a long time - they all know the rules

It's not fair to put the responsibility of choosing on his shoulders. Not fair to both him (trying to please both mum and dad) and his mother/siblings. His dad has already had a holiday with him. This is the only opportunity for his mum and siblings. And they booked first.
His Dad has always asked before. He took a risk and didn't this time. He won't make that mistake again.

I do think both parents should check before taking a child away on holiday, actually. Even if it is within the UK and during regular contact time.

DS is now in the unfortunate position of having to let one of his parents down and know he's missing out on a holiday with a parent either way. That's pretty shitty in my opinion and not a situation a 14yo (especially one with Aspergers) should find himself in.

Can you not ring ex and speak to him? Just explain that you've booked the holiday, it's all paid for and planned around the DSC as well, so you can't change the dates. He can't really argue against it seeing as you've always asked him to check with you before.

But in the future, I think you both need to run dates by the other, especially now your DS is older and his wishes need to be taken into account more than if he was little. A court would let him decide where he wants to spend his time, so I think as his parents, you both need to give him the same option.

Ex holiday is not moveable apparently as they have been invited with his wife's family.

How can I move my holiday?!

It's paid for and I booked mine first!!

I would lose ALL my money and we have all booked time off work etc.

No it's the dad who is being unreasonable. -
It sounds as if he didn't deliberately choose that week, if they are going with relatives but given that it clashes with the op's holiday that was booked a long time ago and that he has already had a holiday with him whilst his mum hasn't - he should suck it up and realise that unfortunately ds can't make it. It's a shame but the op shouldn't only have half a holiday with her son whilst dad gets a holiday and a half.
How in any way is that fair?