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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about a holiday (EU FREE ZONE)

123 replies

Cutecat78 · 27/06/2016 14:48

Had a holiday booked for a few months. It's 1 week away in the UK.

DS (14) texts me from his dad's on sat night asking if we are free "X date to X date. His dad always has him for a week or so in the summer but always arranges the dates with me first.

I said no that is when we are on holiday. He texts back saying oh well Dad (we split when I was PG it's all amicable and we both have new partners and other children) has a holiday booked then too he wants me to go.

I say well if your dad wanted you to go he should have checked it out with me first.

DS texts back saying I should run my dates past his dad first Shock I'm like Hmm you live with me so any time you aren't "normally" with your dad I would presume you are with me and there is no way I am running my holiday dates past him first.

DS wants to now split his holiday in 2 which I am really upset about as its my only week with the kids and am taking my step kids and will be the only adult as my OH had to go away (with the military) so already feel my "family" holiday is disintegrating.

AIBU to feel really bloody pissed off that his dad has discussed this directly with DS before discussing it with me as usual and has put me in a really shitty position of either only having a few days away with DS or being the bad guy and saying no you can't go with your dad. Sad

OP posts:
peachpudding · 27/06/2016 20:00

I think you are both being unreasonable. You should have agreed it with your DS and informed his father. So should he, which ever one your DS agreed to first should be the one he goes on. You might be the resident parent but that does not mean the father has lost his parental rights.

How often does DS get to go on holiday with his father compared to you? If he is the non resident parent I would say he should be allowed to have a holiday with his son, dont you see him every day?

Notmydolly · 27/06/2016 20:00

I'm in complete agreement with you OP. Like you said, if DS is with you for that week why would you check if with EX if you can take him....it's none of his business when you are on holiday!! EX should of checked dates with YOU before booking something, you are RP.

I would be making it clear EX is out of line, all holidays are checked with you before booking and DS can't go with him this time. Be strong...he's messed up and is trying to blame you.

And I'm a mum and a step mum so know how hard these situations can be. I would never book a holiday for my DSC without checking with their mum first .

Original poster
Cutecat78 · 27/06/2016 20:02

DS goes on holiday with his dad more often than with me.

I am also a step mum and would also never book anything without checking it out with DSC mum.

OP posts:
Floralnomad · 27/06/2016 20:02

Then be the adult and don't make him choose , tell him you are happy for him to decide , what are the 2 holidays ? How old are the other DC on either trip ?

ficbia · 27/06/2016 20:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Cutecat78 · 27/06/2016 20:03

I also don't often get to do "fun" stuff with DS.

He's hard going as he has ASD and last year I took him camping for a few days and he really came out of his shell.

OP posts:
m0therofdragons · 27/06/2016 20:17

I think you need to stop having this conversation with ds and speak directly with his dad then come up with a decision between you taking ds's wishes on board otherwise you'll end up seen as the baddie. Op the situation sucks and ex has changed the goal posts so not your fault. Do you have other dc that would be upset if ds wasn't on your holiday?

Original poster
Cutecat78 · 27/06/2016 20:41

I have spoken to DS dad but the damage is kind of already done.

OP posts:
LouBlue1507 · 27/06/2016 20:44

He has every right as he is his father.. Not texting him to let him know your plans and the whole why should I attitude is just awkward and childish. Like another poster said... Let your son decide which holiday he wants to go on, be the adult...

Original poster
Cutecat78 · 27/06/2016 20:45

It's not childish - it's the way we "do" things.

I don't expect OH ex to text us her plans - how weird.

OP posts:
LouBlue1507 · 27/06/2016 20:49

It's not weird to let your ex know the dates you plan on taking your child on holiday, when your child goes to them for a certain amount of time during the holidays and goes on holidays with the ex...

Original poster
Cutecat78 · 27/06/2016 20:52

Yes it is when the normal routine is the ex says when he wants him and I say whether he's available or not....

OP posts:
peachpudding · 27/06/2016 20:52

When a child is 14 the law gives them more rights to self determine which parent they want to spend time with. You have to respect his choice.

If you wanted to avoid this all you had to do was email your ex and tell him you had these dates booked.

Original poster
Cutecat78 · 27/06/2016 20:56

Thanks I am aware of the law Hmm

I haven't said to DS that he can't go.

As I have said I am pissed of that his dad booked it without discussing it with me (I could have a family wedding or anything on).

I have spent more money to make sure we have enough room for 6 kids and now my OH can't come it was something to look forward to - actually having time with my kids.

OP posts:
ficbia · 27/06/2016 21:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LouBlue1507 · 27/06/2016 21:04

I can see why you're upset OP, it's never nice when things don't go to plan.

But I do think it's unreasonable for you to expect your ex to run bookings by you first without you doing the same... One rule for one and not the other doesn't work well!

Original poster
Cutecat78 · 27/06/2016 21:05

Tough TBH I am bringing him up if he wants him outside the "usual" times he needs to let me know.

What he does with DS while he has him is none of my business same as when DS is with me what I do is none of my business.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cutecat78 · 27/06/2016 21:06

*his

OP posts:
LouBlue1507 · 27/06/2016 21:08

Then your attitude is unreasonable. Which is what you've come on here to ask. AIBU? Yes, yes you are!

Original poster
Cutecat78 · 27/06/2016 21:11

I have never heard anything more ridiculous.

He has him one week a year the rest of the school holidays has always been mine to deal with - not an issue now but it was for a good few years.

I would not dream of expecting my OH exto "run things by us l" in the times we normally would not have the kids - it's crazy.

OP posts:
ficbia · 27/06/2016 21:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PPie10 · 27/06/2016 21:13

Well whatever the arrangements were, your DS is well old enough now to decide how he wants to spend his time.

Original poster
Cutecat78 · 27/06/2016 21:17

I am pissed off his dad seems to think it's ok to piss all over things I have had in place for months and yes I would normally give DS the choice but actually I am a great believer that you don't ditch out plans when something different or better comes along.

He has never ever done this before so I don't think AIBU to be pissed off he has done this and discussed it with DS rather than me. If I insist DS sticks with the original plan then ex is unlikely to do it again.

OP posts:
PPie10 · 27/06/2016 21:19

If I insist DS sticks with the original plan then ex is unlikely to do it again.

Yes and that would be punishing your ds as he clearly wants to go on holiday with his dad as well. He's 14 not 4, you can't insist this from him.

PPie10 · 27/06/2016 21:21

If I insist DS sticks with the original plan then ex is unlikely to do it again.

Yes and that would be punishing your ds as he clearly wants to go on holiday with his dad as well. He's 14 not 4, you can't insist this from him.

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