To want to shout 'you're not better than me because you're married to a hedge fund manager'?

[windygallows]

Okay, I'm not really going to shout it but sometimes I mutter it under my breath when I have to deal with the brazen snobbery of some of the mums at the school gate who think they are special because they married someone with money. I've never been too obsessed with money (maybe that's the problem) and have always worked full time in an area I love but doesn't pay well.

I thought I was over the highschool years of feeling inadequate if I didn't have the right clothes or background. But it turns out being in your 40s is just like highschool and the worst is having to deal with the utter snobbery of women whose main achievement is to marry someone who works in the city. It appears I got it wrong by not focusing on marrying well. And yes, I know that's a frigging white company cashmere poncho that you're wearing in your casual chic attire as you jump out of your Porsche Cayenne. Now please don't come over here to brag to me about your upcoming holiday, please....

Just that.

I'd love to have married a wealthy man! I was too busy being independent and supporting equality to notice I was doing everything, kids, career, everything!

I do agree though OP, there does seem to be a gossipy inner circle of well turned out women who stay at home, who are either dumbfounded by me or just don't like talking to me at the school gates. I have wondered how nice and simple it might be to be just so well looked after, so you can concentrate on kids/self.

But then in a way they've never grown up? Most of the women who are a bit snotty with me are the childlike ones are very status driven. Our lives are just so completely different I suppose. But it shouldn't be a barrier to friendship, it's how we keep our minds healthy and open.

By the way I dumped him

I don't think we have a wealthy circle, it is very middle class but I'm a drop and run type. I do suspect there is a face doesn't fit issue and being a "younger" mum is an issue for some snobby people. However, the snobbery is probably more unintentional - I'm convinced that it's a natural thing to want to be friends with people who appear to be "like you". So the cliques may be loosely defined by wealthy or poor, working or not, older and younger, British born or with others grouped by nationalities, or even silly things like fat and thin - generally you see groups of people (or even teenagers) who look fairly similar. I guess friendships with people who are like you is a default preference. Being friends with people who are different is more difficult but can also be far more interesting.

If you meet a banker who says something rude about you, what does that prove? Fuck all. Nowhere in life is devoid of rude feckers, even though it's fashionable these days to hate bankers.

I guess it feels good, if you're not banker-rich, to think that all bankers are wankers (see what I did there?) You can go to sleep at night saying that you may have no money, but at least you're a good person unlike that banker's wife with her fancy cars and her heart of cold stone.

The idea that a banker's wife could actually be a good human being is intolerable - she has money, PLUS she's lovely?! Too much, too much. It feels better to think rich=evil and poor=good, then at least the world seems fair.

YANBU

I get that it's hard to put your finger on most of the time but it certainly isn't if you've ever lived abroad and experienced this as part of an expat community.

You're introduced to new women when they arrive new to the country and try to be friendly and kind, because it's the nice normal thing to do. They fawn and suck up until they realise that your husband's just a normal local guy, your kids don't attend the exclusive english speaking nursery, and you don't live within their special housing community. Then they dramatically lose interest and you suddenly only get a passing nod at parties. It's ridiculous.

And it's British women. Every single bloody time. I've made some wonderful lasting friendships but they're German, French, Italian women who managed to pass the wealth test but who weren't so fucking obsessed with class and who actually worked themselves. It's totally fine being a SAHM but they're not, they have nannies, cleaners, gardeners and sit on their backsides discussing their latest quirky pinterest-inspired-craft-fuck project.

Yes, you've got a degree in classics but you've literally done nothing since except marry well and follow your husband around whilst he advances his financial or diplomatic career. That's really nothing to be smug about.

Yes, I'm old, bitter and twisted but it gets on my fucking tits. It's so tacky and degraded.

IME, as a woman it doesn't matter what you do someone is always ready to have a go.

I have been a SAHM - WRONG, I have worked part-time - WRONG, I have worked full-time - WRONG.

I married my husband for love when we were both kids really - the fact that he now makes a lot of money doesn't mean he isn't the same doofus I married all that time ago, the fact that I drive a nice car and wear nice clothes and go on nice holidays doesn't make him more likely to cheat with his secretary or change the fact that we grew up poor.

I am still me, the same, I just get to do it a bit more comfortably these days.

Happily as I have gotten older I have learned not to give a shit and to not bother with people who do the book/cover thing, they can fuck off.

If everything you do it wrong as a woman and mother anyway, you might as well suit yourself.

In my opinion, it should be women earn their own money.

It's totally fine being a SAHM but they're not, they have nannies, cleaners, gardeners and sit on their backsides discussing their latest quirky pinterest-inspired-craft-fuck project.

And this isn't judgey? In doing any of that how are they actually making your life worse? It's just bitchy and inversed snobbery.

Standard private school mum.

Tricky biscuits - put better than I could ever do I've been like that more times than I can remember only to be sidelined by better connections more money yada yada it's laughable but hurtful. I've grown harder and more resilient now but as I said up thread counting days until we leave next year and person up thread who said typical private school mum I started to reply and then realised yes she was right. Sadly she was right the school gates are unbelievably hideous - mind you what I have noticed is the men are much less tricky than the women in my school anyway

Never, I and God knows what I meant
That is good enough for me.
Do you not known the meaning of quotation marks and tongue in cheek

I made my own money but also married someone who I knew had the potential to become well off and did. Surely thats the best plan.

This is defo a Thing where I live.

"And this isn't judgey? In doing any of that how are they actually making your life worse? It's just bitchy and inversed snobbery."

They are making her life worse by not making the same choices as she has made in life and enjoying themselves to boot. How dare they!

I don't recognise this. I see far more of the old Golfs/old wellies kind of wealth that flies under the radar.

You're making me feel a bit paranoid because I drive an X5 and wear quite a lot of cashmere. I'm also a reasonably nice person, I don't talk about money nor does it figure into my sense of self-worth.

At my local private school, there are several kids of what can only be described as British Treasures, hugely wealthy and internationally famous. The mum's suck up to the wives to an incredible degree but if they're not accepted and best friends immediately they're terribly mean to them.

It's a kind of glorified queen bee thing. You only have to watch Real Housewives of Cheshire to get the idea. (I know that's all bollocks but the reason it's a hit is that there's a spark of familiarity there.)

The funny thing is, there are loads of ordinary families in private schools. People-watchers just don't notice the ordinary families because they're busy watching the 'internationally famous' families and trying to work out whether that's cashmere and if so how does it rate on the snobbishness scale.

I know actual real life normal ordinary people who have been to famous public schools, so I know such people exist. They're just quiet and apparently don't wear cashmere so they don't attract attention from those who are on the lookout for snobs.

My mother still tells the story of how she turned down a marriage proposal from a rich man 45 years ago as she feels that this proves what a genuine and good person she is. She grew up very poor (see 'good and genuine person') but I think it just shows a very limited world view to believe that poor=good and rich=snob.

kawliga you said exactly what I was thinking. It's like there's this mythology that anyone who appears to live a life of material excess must have some other gaping deficits in her life -- she's married to a miserable geezer, she's vapid, or she's a total bitch. I guess it's easier to think that way because it assuages the inevitable feelings of envy, but the world is so much more complicated (and arbitrary) than that.

We are one of those "ordinary families" at a posh pre-prep. Yes there are some wealthy/famous parents (in a serious way in fact) and everyone knows who they are but that's as far as it goes. There's also a larger contingent of wealthy but not famous parents, and honestly they are all friendly and fine. They don't necessarily seek me out for coffee but then again I don't seek them out either. But they invite my kids to parties and play dates, and certainly chat at the school gates. Like all people, some are lovely and some are arseholes. I know plenty of poor people who fit into both categories as well.

I get that even affording the tuition for our school means we are wealthy in any objective sense, but there are clearly degrees even at this level. I do tend to gravitate toward the moms in leggings and sneakers rather than the done-up ones, and I don't blame them for doing the same, but truly everyone is polite and inclusive when it comes to the kids.

I do tend to gravitate toward the moms in leggings and sneakers rather than the done-up ones

I agree, although oddly some 'leggings and sneakers' mums are wealthier than anybody's wildest dreams, they just don't flash it, and some done-up mums are only one step ahead of the bailiffs. You really can't be sure what anybody's net worth is at the school gate, nor should anybody care. Judge everyone by the goodness of their heart and the friendliness of their smile.

Think how exhausting it must be for them having to keep up with appearances and competitive richness. All that having to prove their wealth every day.

Enjoy your freedom OP you don't have to prove yourself to anyone!

My sister is one of these wives. Outwardly very attractive, big house, expensive neighbourhood, Audi A8, kids dressed like they're straight out of a catalogue.

Truth is, on the inside she is very insecure. Thinks everyone is judging her etc. A bit sad really.

'Sponging broodmare'

I might use that description next time someone asks me what I do for a living (Sahm married to a high earner).

Kiwi - reading this thread, it would seem your sister is not wrong.... that's what's sad.

Not the same "school gate" experience but years ago I had a similar annoying rage response at the women married to more senior military officers when I was married to a lower ranked officer. These women treated their husband's seniority as something they had somehow achieved and I was very annoyed by it for a long time. These women had mostly not even attended university whilst I graduated from Oxford, have a master's from LSE and have a satisfying career as an attorney but some of them were so patronising based upon what I don't know!

OP you just have to remember that you are living your life for yourself and if others have to put a public display on of their wealth/status they are likely feeling insecure. If I was an uneducated wife, dependent upon a husband perhaps I'd feel like I had to show my existence was "fabulous" in some way... ;)