To want to shout 'you're not better than me because you're married to a hedge fund manager'?

[windygallows]

Okay, I'm not really going to shout it but sometimes I mutter it under my breath when I have to deal with the brazen snobbery of some of the mums at the school gate who think they are special because they married someone with money. I've never been too obsessed with money (maybe that's the problem) and have always worked full time in an area I love but doesn't pay well.

I thought I was over the highschool years of feeling inadequate if I didn't have the right clothes or background. But it turns out being in your 40s is just like highschool and the worst is having to deal with the utter snobbery of women whose main achievement is to marry someone who works in the city. It appears I got it wrong by not focusing on marrying well. And yes, I know that's a frigging white company cashmere poncho that you're wearing in your casual chic attire as you jump out of your Porsche Cayenne. Now please don't come over here to brag to me about your upcoming holiday, please....

Just that.

I'm a single mum and I own more than one white company cashmere cardi / poncho type item. I drive a 4x4. And work hard to earn my own money.

I hate it when people make instant judgements and try and put me in a box. I don't fit.

I'm sure plenty on this thread don't fit the stereotype the OP is talking about.. but plenty do! Hence it being a 'thing'.

This is the oddest thread.

You cannot expect to like everyone and to have everyone like you. But TBH I struggle to understand all this school gate angst, Imean, in total it must account for 10 minutes a day! Is it really at all important?

DDs have been excluded from their best friends' parties, as their parents faces haven't fit. So it's more than a ten minute a day thing. Snobbery is a real thing. It's a fact for many posters here.

Parents' *

I'm from a comparatively wealthy family and my husband earns a very good salary - we don't drive good cars and live in a ramshackle cottage that we love and go on camping holidays. We our trying to save our money for other things - I have met this snobbery from those who presume things about us based on these facts. But I have been amazed at the scrutiny and judgement of others at the school gate - from a small sub-set of people from every socio-economic background .

ilive - I help my husband earn money too by relieving him of concern for childcare - it may not be your choice, it is undoubtedly harder for single mothers - but that doesn't mean you should knock the contribution that SAHMs make to the family finances.

windy, this is interesting for me because
I'm a very ordinary, below average income person

I made friends with someone who was married to a hedge fund manager. she spent a long time "hiding" her wealth - she said she had a lot of people attach themselves to her because she had money

but one reason our friendship ended was she couldn't accept I didn't have it

She just about accepted that I couldn't go to her usual restaurants, but if I was short that month I would get "oh don't be ridiculous, of course you've got £8 for the cinema" and that sort of thing. Also, I don't do fashion, but she would say things like "Is that bag Lulu Guiness?" when she knew it would be Asda, and "ooh, new necklace, is that a real diamond"?

in the beginning I thought it was bitchiness and nearly broke it off, talked to her about it and it was like she really couldn't compute that some people don't have money. My sister said to me "she's a snob, how can you bear her" but I felt like I was rejecting a friendship due to inverted snobbery? Hard to explain. Anyway she turned out to be a totally useless friend, but I never understood what was so hard for her to understand, that someone didn't have her kind of cash.

As I've said. I'm not looking down on single parents who don't work. I'm looking down on people who look down on them.
I've never came across people who take more offence and get the wrong end of the stick than I have on here, and please believe me when I say. I've not lead a sheltered life.
Sorry if I've upset anyone, but my opinion still stands

People can only exclude you, if you want to be in their gang in the first place. Why are you attracted to these women anyway?

So if your opinion still stands, you're looking down on SAHMs who choose not to go out to work, because they want to stay at home and look after their children.

That's your opinion and you're entitled to it.

But why make out people are getting the wrong end of the stick?

A 'scrounger' is a scrounger, no matter whether their dh works in Asda or as a hedge fund manager.

Iliveinalighthouse Don't try an back track. You said-

If she doesn't work her self. She is no different to a "scrounger" single mum on the dole

But you hate people who look down on others.

Nasty little hypocrite much!

People can only exclude you, if you want to be in their gang in the first place.

This. It's the old thing about not being made to feel inferior without consenting to it.

Windy, you feelings are all about you and nothing to do with them. Only you can make yourself feel better about it.

A woman in a relationship with a man could earn less than him for lots of reasons. Here in the US, you often hear that women earn 70-some cents for every dollar a man earns. Sex discrimination in employment, promotions, and the like is still a very real thing. It really is harder to be successful in some fields as a woman than it is as a man. The finance industry is notorious for having lots of men and very few women. I don't think that's because no women could do those jobs, or no women have ever been interested in doing those jobs.

I used to be very good friends with someone who believed if she 'married well' in this way she was sorted, so they do exist. She is currently on fiance number 4, has never worked and is 28. If this one doesn't fall for her lies she's fucked. I don't get how anyone would plan that 'possible' life and nothing else.

My friend did this. She wanted dc and to stay at home. She married a banker. He's not very nice. She has her dc and lives in lap of luxury. He travels a lot they live quite separate lives. As her friends we were horrified but actually it's worked well for her.

Are you jealous?

A thread slagging off sahm with a bit of money.

From the op the only things they have done wrong is to have nice things, that she recognizes even if she doesn't want them herself.

I said to myself over 10 years ago that I would never drive a car again. I don't judge people for driving, or what car they drive. Just how nice they are to me and others around.

And I think I'm still baffled to encounter women who really think 'marrying well' is a thing and ambition.

Marrying well IS an worthy ambition. Not necessarily marrying for money, but marrying someone (who is likely to be the father of your children) who has similar goals to yours, is responsible, caring and wants to be a good husband and father.

I think people, both male and female, should strive to marry well. The choise of spouse can have a profound effect on your whole life.

Not going to say where I work but I see so many young glam women with old ugly geezers due to them having money it's laughable. Ewww, we have a saying which is... there's another one that's sold her soul for a hermes bag

I think people come in all shapes and sizes and personalities. In my 40s I have decided, a bit like Ricky Gervases' Derek, that kindness really is the Morley important thing to look out for and strive to give out. Its a much more peaceful way to live. It's changed the way I see people and made me realize how we do make subconscious judgements. Just be nice.

You just sound insecure. Unless they've actually said something to you along those lines, you are just assuming they look down on you.

This is a horrid thread. There are good people and nasty people in this world and it doesn't vary according to whether they are rich or poor or what they wear or what they drive.

It is true that some rich married SAHM find it awkward mixing socially with poor single mothers, not because of snobbishness but because it CAN be awkward mixing socially with people who will feel uncomfortable when they casually talk about everyday things that are normal to them like going on pricey holidays or having help at home. Imagine if you have a nanny and every time you mention her your poor single mother friend thinks you're being an utter snob stealth boasting about your nanny . Life's too short for that crap. Nobody should be ashamed of their life, rich or poor.

I remember once a mum at the school gate telling me about her exotic holiday to Egypt with the dc riding camels, at half term (prices sky high) when I couldn't afford any holiday for my dd at all. Did I hate her for that and call her a snob? No. I just said the holiday sounded fun. It's called being polite to others.

Also remember being left out of private social invitations for the well-heeled and that was fine, too, I don't think friendship has to be equal opportunities for everyone. Yes, sometimes I felt like the only mum at the school gate who hadn't been invited to the posh party last night. So what? I don't put my dd in school to create social opportunities for myself. Everyone just be friendly and polite to each other at the school gate, and get on with your own life.

Well if it makes you feel better I knew a hedge fund manager who used to pay women in their 20s to shag him because his wife was a boring snob and he didn't like her.

I went out with a banker years ago (same age as me) His mate actually stood up in the dealing room and told everyone that he was going out with a pig because I had a London accent and dressed in clothes "I" could afford. So I get you OP.