Uncle uninvited DH from wedding

[NCchicken]

Namechanged so this isn't linked to my usual name if I'm recognised.

The background is that my aunt and uncle raised me since I was 9 years old as my mum died and my father wasn't around. I am very grateful that they took me in and I know I owe them so much for it. However their family dynamic was different from what I was used to. I had been raised just going to church on Sunday but not really thinking about religion too much otherwise. My aunt and uncle are very stricly religious. They HE my cousins (and me when I lived there) with a very religious program. They believe that men are the dominant sex and work etc and women have babies and raise the children. Weddings are a big deal as once you marry you are promised for life as they don't believe in divorce (If anyone has watched 19 kids and counting on tv it's like that with slightly less kids)

We live 6 hours drive away so we only see them once a year. However this suits my family really as DH and I are atheist and we don't want our DCs influenced by some of the sexism etc within my aunt and uncles house.


So to the point one of my cousins is getting married in the summer. My aunt and uncle are paying and arranging most of it. They invited DH the DCs and me a month ago and said that we could stay in the family home for the weekend of the wedding. We accepted and DH booked the time off for that weekend which means we won't get a family holiday this summer.

My uncle called DH while he was at work and said that the arrangements have changed and they want us to stay for a week. DH said sorry but he can't take that many days off.but he could still attend the wedding and he would ask me if I could go down for the week with the DCs.

Admittedly I expected them to call and because they would need someone to care for their younger DCs and GC while they sort the wedding stuff and the other older cousin's are all a part of the wedding themselves.


We called them to ask for more details of what they wanted. They told us that they wanted us to care for the younger DCs. I said I would go with the DCs and DH could come for the weekend. My uncle said no either DH comes for the week or he doesn't come at all. I said I would have to think about it as I would like DH to be there. He has already booked the time off and I would like him to help with our DCs so I can also enjoy the wedding. Uncle said that DH wasn't invited and if I don't come for the week they will be very upset and disappointed and my rethink my place in the wedding and as a part of the family unit as being a part of the family means working with each other. They also pointed out how good they were too me and how they still include me in everything despite our different lifestyles.

I don't know what to do for the best. I don't want to upset any one they are the only extended family I have. But I would like to spend at least the weekend with DH as he has used the last of his time off. DH said if I want to go he doesn't mind but he would rather spend his time off with his family. I am also annoyed that they changed the arrangements and are now being difficult.

So AIBU to want DH there and what should I do.now to sort this all out.

[Blu]

But as others have daisy, caring for the loved children of your loved sibling is not a chore, or a duty, it is surely an act of unconditional love. That is what it would be if, God forbid, I became parent to my nieces and nephews in similar circumstances.

It is totally unreasonable to uninvite your DH because he is unable to take a week off work for an unspecified reason. Bad manners at the very least,
A warm, calm letter explaining the facts is the best solution. It won't change their mind, but it gives you the knowledge that you acted honourably.

[SouthWesterlyWinds]

Actually, I agreed with VelocityKates reasoning. From what you have written, they believe men are the dominant sex so use that to your advantage.

Sorry! I can only come at the weekend now as my husband has said that he cannot be without the family and his only free time is that weekend, and as head of household, I should listen to my husband. If this does not work for you the. I must regretfully decline as my husband has stated that he wishes to spend his free time with his family, so I cannot leave him behind.

[ShtoppenDerFloppen]

I have not had an opportunity to RTFT, so I apologise if I am restating someone else's contribution...

If your uncle is as devout a Christian as you make him out to be in the OP, this should be simple. You are expected to defer to your husband. If he is unable to spend the week there, but "directs" you to go and care for children who aren't your own - that is what you do.

Your uncle doesn't have any say in it, as your husband has the say in what you do and do not do...

However, I doubt your uncle will like it when his "rules" are tossed back in his face and continue to toss the toys out of his pram like he is doing now.

[IWantToBeAHippy]

If it was me i would tell them that none of us are coming anymore and i'd book a weekend away with my dp and ds. If they had a problem with that then tough shit!!!

[Baconyum]

Uncle tosspot is frankly putting it kindly! What a nasty bullying arse!

I'm so sorry you were treated like this by people who were supposed to love you. I can't even begin to express how sad and angry I feel that you were made to feel nobody else would have wanted you, many loving families would have welcomed you I'm sure.

Definitely follow impossibles advice shine a spotlight on this dicks behaviour - bullies thrive in the dark

[NCchicken]

Thank you for your replies.
I emailed my cousin and my uncle last night, they haven't replied yet.

[impossible]

Good luck! Let us know how you get on.

[Pantah630]

OP are they Plymouth Brethren by any chance? My fathers family were and they were nuts given to a rather bizarre interpretation of the bible. Some of my family are out but those still in, have none or a very secretive contact with those on the outside, including the mother of my two (step)sisters that are out.

I don't have any practical advice, except to keep communication open between your cousins and yourself as much as is able, one day they may take the jump away from religion as well.

[memyselfandaye]

How very Christian of them to remind you how much they have done for you.

You owe them nothing, they sound awful.

Focus on the people that genuinely love you.

[NCchicken]

Thank you for your advice and support.

My uncle replied this morning. He said that his decision still stands DH can't come if he doesn't come for the week and if I don't come he will be very disappointed in me.

My cousin then emailed saying pretty much the same thing, and that I had "to act in the family spirit"

So I sent them both the same email back saying sorry but if DH isn't invited then I'm not coming.

My uncle replied saying how upset everyone is with me. How they had done everything for me and how they had stuck by me even though I don't follow the rules. He also said I had upset all the cousins particularly the one who is getting married.

I replied that I was sorry that they were upset but DH is a part of the family and if he isn't invited then I won't be coming.

He has sent me an email every hour since saying how ungrateful I am etc and some other personal remarks about me and my family and my mum which I am ignoring. My cousin hasn't replied yet.

[RandomMess]

Oh how sad for you, they clearly aren't the family you had hoped they would be

It is truly their loss! [flowers

[AdultingIsNotWhatIExpected]

Listen, YOU didn't cause any of this upset, your uncle caused this whole situation and therefore is the one truely responsible for any upset that has resulted in it

xx

[Friendofsadgirl]

So sorry but your uncle doesn't sound like much of a Christian.
Go and have a lovely holiday with your own family.

[AdultingIsNotWhatIExpected]

p.s. well done you for sticking up for your DH against a powerful bully x

[chocolateworshipper]

I am so sorry to hear how you are being treated. I'm sure there is a way of blocking emails from your uncle (hopefully someone more IT literate than me can advise)

[Palenopsis]

Wow it sounds like there's other stuff going on with him - "sticking by you even though you didn't follow the rules"? What does that mean?

He doesn't sound like my understanding of Christian.

[Orda1]

This is such a WTF thread. Your DH sounds lovely, uncle sounds odd to say the least.

[diddl]

What an utter, utter twat!

They need babysitters for a week to sort out the wedding??!!

Never heard anything so ridiculous.

Glad you've said that you won't be going-stik to it!

Best ignored now.

Or reply that you're disappointed that he's a misogynistic bully!

[lougle]

Your uncle has the opportunity to put this right by reconsidering his position and understanding that your DH can't take leave that doesn't exist. If this was that important, he'd be glad to have you for the week and your DH for whatever time he could spare.

[ExasperatedAlmostAlways]

I'd be replying "what do you not understand about dh not being able to come because he has NO holidays left. He has to work to provide for his family and can't take holidays he doesn't have or he'd happily be there. He is being very unreasonable for something out with your husbands control.

I'd be going no contact. This is nonsense.

[ExasperatedAlmostAlways]

and Actually it's your uncle not acting in the family spirit by uninviting your husband because he has to work during the week. Complete lunacy.

[RaeSkywalker]

NCchicken, I'm so sorry

[bangingmyheadoffabrickwall]

Nothing else to add except that I agree with everything everyone has to say.

It is not within the Christian spirit to exclude nor is it to continually expect 'payment' for them taking you in as a child.

I find their attitude and excuses hypocritical; the term about 'being in the family spirit'. Your DH and DC are YOUR family. If they want you to act in this way, then putting your DH and DC first IS 'being in the family spirit'.

Did you ask out of curiosity why DH HAD to go for the week and wasn't welcome for just the weekend? It seems like a pathetic excuse to find a reason for him not to come, IMO!

They keep bringing up the fact there are differences in lifestyle and religious beliefs etc and how they are 'accepting' of you and your family 'despite this'. This just screams INTOLERANCE. They are deep down intolerant of you, your DH, your choice in lifestyle. If this was my biological parents, I would still choose to cut ties.

It isn't easy; I know as my father and brother have cut ties with me because of my determination to maintain a relationship with my mum after my parents divorced. And TBH, after the many lies told, I would have done the same (cut ties that is!)

[Baconyum]

Wow! So sorry op but yes you need to block now. Google depending what email you use. At the very least set his email to go straight to spam.

Nasty bastard! You don't deserve this op. This guy clearly has issues. (Mainly being a bullying dick!)

[JenniferYellowHat1980]

Op I guarantee that if you allow yourself to splinter away from them you won't regret it. There's nothing better than your close, immediate family but wider family is just a bunch of disparate people with wildly different values and a minor genetic link. You don't need them.