Uncle uninvited DH from wedding

[NCchicken]

Namechanged so this isn't linked to my usual name if I'm recognised.

The background is that my aunt and uncle raised me since I was 9 years old as my mum died and my father wasn't around. I am very grateful that they took me in and I know I owe them so much for it. However their family dynamic was different from what I was used to. I had been raised just going to church on Sunday but not really thinking about religion too much otherwise. My aunt and uncle are very stricly religious. They HE my cousins (and me when I lived there) with a very religious program. They believe that men are the dominant sex and work etc and women have babies and raise the children. Weddings are a big deal as once you marry you are promised for life as they don't believe in divorce (If anyone has watched 19 kids and counting on tv it's like that with slightly less kids)

We live 6 hours drive away so we only see them once a year. However this suits my family really as DH and I are atheist and we don't want our DCs influenced by some of the sexism etc within my aunt and uncles house.


So to the point one of my cousins is getting married in the summer. My aunt and uncle are paying and arranging most of it. They invited DH the DCs and me a month ago and said that we could stay in the family home for the weekend of the wedding. We accepted and DH booked the time off for that weekend which means we won't get a family holiday this summer.

My uncle called DH while he was at work and said that the arrangements have changed and they want us to stay for a week. DH said sorry but he can't take that many days off.but he could still attend the wedding and he would ask me if I could go down for the week with the DCs.

Admittedly I expected them to call and because they would need someone to care for their younger DCs and GC while they sort the wedding stuff and the other older cousin's are all a part of the wedding themselves.


We called them to ask for more details of what they wanted. They told us that they wanted us to care for the younger DCs. I said I would go with the DCs and DH could come for the weekend. My uncle said no either DH comes for the week or he doesn't come at all. I said I would have to think about it as I would like DH to be there. He has already booked the time off and I would like him to help with our DCs so I can also enjoy the wedding. Uncle said that DH wasn't invited and if I don't come for the week they will be very upset and disappointed and my rethink my place in the wedding and as a part of the family unit as being a part of the family means working with each other. They also pointed out how good they were too me and how they still include me in everything despite our different lifestyles.

I don't know what to do for the best. I don't want to upset any one they are the only extended family I have. But I would like to spend at least the weekend with DH as he has used the last of his time off. DH said if I want to go he doesn't mind but he would rather spend his time off with his family. I am also annoyed that they changed the arrangements and are now being difficult.

So AIBU to want DH there and what should I do.now to sort this all out.

[NCchicken]

I can contact my cousin and explain why I won't be there but they probably won't understand why I am not just doing as asked and they won't go against my uncle and ask him to change his mind.

[LurcioAgain]

Stay with your DH, and have the lovely family holiday you wouldn't otherwise have been able to have.

Most of the sane parents of adult children I know (my own, my ex MIL) are very clear that bringing your children up and loving them is simply what decent human beings do - your children do not owe you in perpetuity for doing this. (And most of the adult children of sane parents that I know love spending time with their parents as a result, and this sort of batshit crazy situation simply doesn't arise, because the relationship you have as adults is built around love and mutual respect, not obligation and guilt).

[LuluJakey1]

They sound controlling and emotionally abusive. Don't go. You have a lving husband and a healthy relationship. Don't let them into this.

[TaliZorahVasNormandy]

I think you need to stick up for your DH here, otherwise you could find yourself in this situation, over and over.

Your uncle is the bully and DH is the victim, stand up to the bully and support the victim.

[chocolateworshipper]

I don't think I had heard the word "batshit" before joining MN, but I've decided I like it. They are batshit. Don't let yourself be emotionally blackmailed in this way. If you haven't already had your DCs christened, inform your aunt and uncle that you are too busy planning a satanic ritual to celebrate their arrival

[EweAreHere]

You don't owe them anything. Please don't give in to emotional blackmail.

Don't go. If your DH has been uninvited because he can't take a week's holiday, then you and your children don't go either. Pick your husband. If he's not welcome, you're not welcome. And tell them why when you tell them you're no longer coming at all.

[puglife15]

Your uncle is being extremely unreasonable and horrible. I'm sorry they're being like this. Your DH is actually being extremely kind even offering for you to go without him.

I would call your cousin to explain, surely it's up to them who is invited, not your uncle?

[paxillin]

Use the fact that they are so patriarchal. Sorry, uncle, but DH said he can't do the week, you'll understand I can't go against his wishes of course.

[hotdiggedy]

How very odd that they expect him to be able to take the week off work. The whole thing is very odd. They are shooting themselves in the foot though as they are likely to be left with absolutely no childcare at all now. How silly of them!

[NoMudNoLotus]

You don't owe them your life .

They are not acting in your best interests.

[Lunde]

You have your own family now and must put your family first.

[Scarydinosaurs]

This is a brilliant opportunity to cut them out. Take it.

[AllTheFucksIGive]

You don't owe them.

You do owe your dh loyalty though how would you feel if it were reversed? If they are prepared to drop you over this they don't care in the first place

[NCchicken]

It's kind of up to my cousin who is invited but if my uncle says no then no-one is going to argue.

I know you are right DH has to come first. I just feel guilty I suppose like I should be doing more for them.

[AdultingIsNotWhatIExpected]

Your cousin may not go against the uncle, but I think it's important that your cousin knows your OH was uninvited, and by whom, rather than your cousin believing that he's the one chosing not to go!

[Aworldofmyown]

If you take in a child it should be un-conditional. not something you can cash in on every time they want something/their own way.

You do not owe them anything.

[impossible]

What an awful situation! Your uncle is being very unfair. I always think at times like this it is really important to be transparent so there’s no room for misunderstanding. Also try to be lovely.
Could you send an email your aunt and uncle and marrying cousin – so they all read the same email and all know they have seen the same one. Thank them for the invitation and say you have all been looking forward to the wedding etc. Unfortunately your DH’s boss will not let him take the full week off but you are happy to come for the week yourself with your DCs to babysit etc and your DH can join you at the weekend. Apologise for DH not being able to come for the full week and say you hope it will be fine for him to come for the weekend as you wouldn’t be comfortable being involved in such an occasion without your DH by your side. (Essentially repeat the conversation in a more visible way.) If your uncle insists your DH can’t come, reply by email to everyone again saying you will be really sorry not to be there but you and your dcs couldn’t possibly attend the wedding without your dh by your side. At least that way all parties will see it is not your choice not to miss the wedding. Then wish the bride and groom well and send them a card and gift.
(You may find your services are invaluable and your uncle will be forced to climb down if you are not going to come.)
It sounds as though your uncle is a bit of a bully and your cousins may be defeated by him too but if you want to keep the family relationships going the best way to do that is to keep communication open. Perhaps you could also at a later date invite your cousins to visit you.

[bloodyteenagers]

Hi uncle
I am sad that you feel this way. When we were first invited it was for a weekend. Dh duly booked the time off. Now the
Goalposts have been changed. Dh cannot book days off because he has none left. Yet this is unreasonable. You raised me to believe that the man of the house has all the
Control. That I am there to look after his needs and those of the children. So you can see why I am in an unworkable position. I have to stay and look after my husband.

[OnionKnight]

You don't owe them anything.

[AdultingIsNotWhatIExpected]

Do what impossible said! Otherwise your cousin may be hurt and confused as to why people are backing out, and don't expect your uncle to own up and not put the blame on you when your cousin is upset with you!

[KayTee87]

Your uncle doesn't sound like a Christian at all - you should say that to him.

[SenecaFalls]

OP, what reason did they give for the dis-invitation? Is is punishment because your DH cannot come for the whole week?

I agree with everyone else who has said that you don't owe them anything in connection with this situation. Quite the contrary. They raised you; they owe you the respect and consideration that any parent should give an adult child.

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

They want you to choose between them and your husband. Power game.

There is no other reason why they would do this.

Choose your DH if you plan to build your future with him.

Choose your uncle if you want DH slapped in the face and put firmly in his place.

[NCchicken]

Thank you for your replies. I am writing an email to my uncle and my cousin detailing why we can't come.
You are right DH has to come first and if they continue to say no then we will just go on holiday with the DCs.