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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Uncle uninvited DH from wedding

120 replies

NCchicken · 22/06/2016 20:08

Namechanged so this isn't linked to my usual name if I'm recognised.

The background is that my aunt and uncle raised me since I was 9 years old as my mum died and my father wasn't around. I am very grateful that they took me in and I know I owe them so much for it. However their family dynamic was different from what I was used to. I had been raised just going to church on Sunday but not really thinking about religion too much otherwise. My aunt and uncle are very stricly religious. They HE my cousins (and me when I lived there) with a very religious program. They believe that men are the dominant sex and work etc and women have babies and raise the children. Weddings are a big deal as once you marry you are promised for life as they don't believe in divorce (If anyone has watched 19 kids and counting on tv it's like that with slightly less kids)

We live 6 hours drive away so we only see them once a year. However this suits my family really as DH and I are atheist and we don't want our DCs influenced by some of the sexism etc within my aunt and uncles house.

So to the point one of my cousins is getting married in the summer. My aunt and uncle are paying and arranging most of it. They invited DH the DCs and me a month ago and said that we could stay in the family home for the weekend of the wedding. We accepted and DH booked the time off for that weekend which means we won't get a family holiday this summer.

My uncle called DH while he was at work and said that the arrangements have changed and they want us to stay for a week. DH said sorry but he can't take that many days off.but he could still attend the wedding and he would ask me if I could go down for the week with the DCs.

Admittedly I expected them to call and because they would need someone to care for their younger DCs and GC while they sort the wedding stuff and the other older cousin's are all a part of the wedding themselves.

We called them to ask for more details of what they wanted. They told us that they wanted us to care for the younger DCs. I said I would go with the DCs and DH could come for the weekend. My uncle said no either DH comes for the week or he doesn't come at all. I said I would have to think about it as I would like DH to be there. He has already booked the time off and I would like him to help with our DCs so I can also enjoy the wedding. Uncle said that DH wasn't invited and if I don't come for the week they will be very upset and disappointed and my rethink my place in the wedding and as a part of the family unit as being a part of the family means working with each other. They also pointed out how good they were too me and how they still include me in everything despite our different lifestyles.

I don't know what to do for the best. I don't want to upset any one they are the only extended family I have. But I would like to spend at least the weekend with DH as he has used the last of his time off. DH said if I want to go he doesn't mind but he would rather spend his time off with his family. I am also annoyed that they changed the arrangements and are now being difficult.

So AIBU to want DH there and what should I do.now to sort this all out.

OP posts:
whyayepetal · 22/06/2016 21:51

Spot on Howmuch OP these Flowers are for you. Please wish your cousin a happy day, send a card and present if you like, and then go and enjoy a lovely holiday with your family.

DecaffCoffeeAndRollupsPlease · 22/06/2016 21:54

How far is it- could you turn up for just the church bit, then leave?

Guiltypleasures001 · 22/06/2016 21:56

For so called God fearing people their love and support certainly comes with a lot of ungodly like stipulations.

I'm waiting to hear more of how their brand of bringing up a child, has left you vulnerable to feeling grateful to any crumb of kindness thrown your way, how you might have suffered with low self esteem all your life and struggle with making decisions and have low self confidence.

If any of the above is true op, they have emotionally abused you and tied you too them through emotional manipulation. Please give the whole family a huge swerve they sound very cult like

Lynnm63 · 22/06/2016 21:57

I agree with everyone else YANBU. Stay home with your lovely family and don't look back to your old family. You owe them nothing.

Original poster
NCchicken · 22/06/2016 22:00

It's a six hour drive to their area so it's not easy to get their and going to just the church would be difficult.

OP posts:
blondieblondie · 22/06/2016 22:01

What a horrible way to treat you.

I was also brought up by my aunt and uncle from age 12 as both my parents died. (Well actually my step aunt and uncle, if that makes sense, which means the people who took me in REALLY didn't have to).

I owe them big time, but they would never call that in. That isn't how you treat family, be it your "own" family, surrogate family, biological, or otherwise.

Your loyalty lies with the lovely family you have made for yourself, (despite the hard childhood you had, so well done for that), not one you had no choice but to join, who would then treat you like this.

SapphireStrange · 22/06/2016 22:02

I don't understand what their problem is. Aren't they just moving the goalposts and then punishing you for not wanting/being able to fit in with them?

Fuck em. Explain to your cousin, don't bother contacting them again.

Longdistance · 22/06/2016 22:03

Very unchristian attitude they have there...

Bugsylugs · 22/06/2016 22:11

Emotional abuse. Run run run

Italiangreyhound · 22/06/2016 22:12

I agree with AddToBasket, "Write the nicest warmest letter saying how your DH's job comes first and you are a strong family and do things together, you'll have to miss out this time. Then write a nice warm letter to the bride and groom wishing them well.

And then book yourselves a nutter-free long weekend somewhere."

I'd also follow the excellent advice of impossible, "Could you send an email your aunt and uncle and marrying cousin – so they all read the same email and all know they have seen the same on"

and

AdultingIsNotWhatIExpected, "You weren't your absent father, you weren't responsible for your mother's death, you were a passive innocent child in the situation, you don't "owe them" and if they made you feel that way, well they didn't welcome you into their family as whole heartedly as they should have done with a bereaved child in your circumstances!"

MsHighwater · 22/06/2016 22:13

You have offered to do more for them but they are rejecting your offer because they insist on all (i.e. more than you and DH can reasonably give) or nothing. You can't give them what they're asking and so you give them the only other thing that you can: nothing.
You had the right to a loving and caring home when you were a child. If able to give it, they had a responsibility to provide that. What you owe them is to live a healthy, happy and fulfilled life. No caregiver is entitled to expect more.

Lucked · 22/06/2016 22:20

I wonder when they realise they are losing childcare if it all becomes a misunderstanding.

Zucker · 22/06/2016 22:21

Sounds like Uncle is playing on the fact that you feel indebted to them. He knows what he's doing. Take this chance to get it all out in your email and step back.

Italiangreyhound · 22/06/2016 22:21

Plus all the other wise advice here.

I am a Christian, my understanding of faith is not that people have to do what you want them to do or you cut them off; or that they owe you for caring for them when you were a child! Nor is it that the man is the head of the household!

We adopted our son two years ago and love him to bits as our child. I've told my sister if anything were ever to happen to her and her DH (God forbid) we would care for her children. She has told me the same thing.

My sister is not a Christian. It's not that strange that Christian or non, religious or not, people are capable of being kind and loving and they are capable of not being kind and loving. This behaviour is not kind and loving.

Because of your desire to be part of this family I would just simply state your case and wish them all a lovely day. Stay in touch with your wider family a much as you choose; my guess is that as time goes on your uncle may lose his grip on the 'tribe' and you may yet develop your own closer relationships with cousins etc.

Both you and your husband sound very tolerant and loving, I am sorry you have been shown this side of faith, really not all 'religious' people are like this'.

XXXX Thanks

Beeziekn33ze · 22/06/2016 22:31

You are brave and sensible. Share a lovely long weekend with DH and DC. They are the people who count🌈

BadLad · 22/06/2016 22:34

What a total bellend.

Use this opportunity to show your cousin that the world won't actually come to an end if someone dares to say "no" to Uncle Tosspot.

Knackered46 · 22/06/2016 22:37

Lovely post IG Flowers

Knackered46 · 22/06/2016 22:38

And 'uncle tosspot ' snigger Grin

velocitykate · 22/06/2016 22:52

I would tell them that your dh can have from x date to y date away from work - he cannot have any longer or he will lose his job. However, your dh is being very generous by "allowing" you and your dc to be away for longer than that.

If he is no longer invited, however, he will withdraw that permission such that none of you will go (he cannot possibly manage without his wife for a whole week). Their choice

Wdigin2this · 22/06/2016 23:01

Where do you live?

MrsKoala · 22/06/2016 23:04

It's a really odd way of asking for a favour. Surely the conversation should have gone more like:

Them : Please can you both come for a week to help out, we'd really appreciate it.
You : Unfortunately DH can't have that time off work, he can still do the wedding, but not the full week. I am happy to come and help out tho...
Them : Oh great, Thanks, That would be such a help. Looking forward to seeing you all.

Or something. Not a demand for what is essentially quite a big favour, then rude emotional blackmail. I'd just say none of us were coming now and wish them well. How strange and controlling.

themorus · 22/06/2016 23:10

I wouldn't go, no child should be made feel grateful for being brought up and their behaviour is far from Christian or even compassionate.

Write to all 3 as suggested above so they all receive the same words. They are being completely unreasonable.

Original poster
NCchicken · 22/06/2016 23:12

We all live in the UK.

OP posts:
Blu · 22/06/2016 23:22

This is so sad, OP, and I am sorry your Mum died when you were so young. Sad

milliemolliemou · 22/06/2016 23:24

Am I getting this right, sorry if xposting.

You were invited for the weekend of the wedding with your own family but then were asked to stay for the whole week ... presumably this is the week before? So you and DH can help organise/provide childcare? It's not an unwarranted request if a no was respected, but not when DH can't manage days off and gets barred because he can't make it. Then to threaten your place in the family? YANBU if you duck it gracefully.

Agree with pps - email cousin with apologies because s/he's probably got a lot on their plate anyway, but ask if s/he has a solution. If no solution, back out and send wedding present with lovely letter to cousin mentioning none of it and hopes for pix/meeting up. If you can't keep up with aunt and uncle then keep up with next generation.

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