Uncle uninvited DH from wedding

[NCchicken]

Namechanged so this isn't linked to my usual name if I'm recognised.

The background is that my aunt and uncle raised me since I was 9 years old as my mum died and my father wasn't around. I am very grateful that they took me in and I know I owe them so much for it. However their family dynamic was different from what I was used to. I had been raised just going to church on Sunday but not really thinking about religion too much otherwise. My aunt and uncle are very stricly religious. They HE my cousins (and me when I lived there) with a very religious program. They believe that men are the dominant sex and work etc and women have babies and raise the children. Weddings are a big deal as once you marry you are promised for life as they don't believe in divorce (If anyone has watched 19 kids and counting on tv it's like that with slightly less kids)

We live 6 hours drive away so we only see them once a year. However this suits my family really as DH and I are atheist and we don't want our DCs influenced by some of the sexism etc within my aunt and uncles house.


So to the point one of my cousins is getting married in the summer. My aunt and uncle are paying and arranging most of it. They invited DH the DCs and me a month ago and said that we could stay in the family home for the weekend of the wedding. We accepted and DH booked the time off for that weekend which means we won't get a family holiday this summer.

My uncle called DH while he was at work and said that the arrangements have changed and they want us to stay for a week. DH said sorry but he can't take that many days off.but he could still attend the wedding and he would ask me if I could go down for the week with the DCs.

Admittedly I expected them to call and because they would need someone to care for their younger DCs and GC while they sort the wedding stuff and the other older cousin's are all a part of the wedding themselves.


We called them to ask for more details of what they wanted. They told us that they wanted us to care for the younger DCs. I said I would go with the DCs and DH could come for the weekend. My uncle said no either DH comes for the week or he doesn't come at all. I said I would have to think about it as I would like DH to be there. He has already booked the time off and I would like him to help with our DCs so I can also enjoy the wedding. Uncle said that DH wasn't invited and if I don't come for the week they will be very upset and disappointed and my rethink my place in the wedding and as a part of the family unit as being a part of the family means working with each other. They also pointed out how good they were too me and how they still include me in everything despite our different lifestyles.

I don't know what to do for the best. I don't want to upset any one they are the only extended family I have. But I would like to spend at least the weekend with DH as he has used the last of his time off. DH said if I want to go he doesn't mind but he would rather spend his time off with his family. I am also annoyed that they changed the arrangements and are now being difficult.

So AIBU to want DH there and what should I do.now to sort this all out.

[Italiangreyhound]

He sounds like he is loosing face in he family not being able to boss you around!

Let him stew in his own juice, if you prefer..... you have your own family now.

[Italiangreyhound]

Sorry NCchicken your uncle sounds awful.

I am afriad I would need to say...

Save your energy from typing all those emails for looking after your own children.

I've told you why my dh cannot come and you are punishing me for supporting my dh by baring me from my own cousin's wedding.

I seriously suggest you pray about this one and maybe think about how you can treat me so callously when the Bible you say you believe in says so clearly ..

Isaiah 1:17 ESV
"Learn to do good; seek justice, correct oppression; bring justice to the fatherless, plead the widow's cause."

and there are more.....

[EweAreHere]

Respond to each appalling hourly email from your Uncle with the name of a different therapist/mental health counsellor in his area each time and absolutely nothing else.

[TheHobbitMum]

Your uncle doesn't ever hear the word No does he? He's behaving appallingly and none of this is your fault! Forward the emails to the rest of the family and book somewhere for just you all x

[Baconyum]

You know what? Stuff sending emails to the family - send to his church! If he is brethren they don't have priests but they do have elders and can be put under discipline for unchristian acts (similar to Amish shunning)

[BurningBridges]

NCChicken - my mum died when I was 13 and I experienced a little of what you went through. They should love you and be keen to see you and your DH etc., they've told you everything you need to know about them now. I admire you so much for standing firm you have done the right thing.

I also think over the next few weeks they will bring all sorts of pressure to bear, and they may even back down, but I think you and DH need to decide now if you need this in your life. I am an adult now, things still hurt 40 years later, but my own immediate family come first. Well done, I think we all realise how hard it was to say no to your Uncle.

[blondieblondie]

Wow, your uncle sounds like a shameful human being. Emotionally blackmailing you and commenting on your deceased mother? Get rid. You will feel free in time. You sound like a very decent person, showing loyalty to your DH despite the twisted example you have been set.

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

Glad you are ignoring.

Your uncle is a bog standard bully boy.

Could you autoforward all the emails to your DH so you don't even see them never mind read them?

[impossible]

Well done for standing up to him. You should be proud of yourself because it is very difficult to stand up to family members when they behave in this way, particularly when they are deliberately personal and cruel. You were an innocent child who found herself in a difficult situation and you have no responsibility for the way things went and the choices your family made. You have another family now and you must protect yourself, your dh and dcs - they are where you will find happiness. I suggest trying to ensure as many of your family see the emails as puglife15 suggests. Then get on with your life and take comfort in the fact that you have your own wonderful family and are not trapped in a life controlled by your uncle.

[Zucker]

He's not used to someone saying NO is he? Well done you for standing your ground OP, this man is not family, he has been using this "family" over you as some sort of threat or bargaining tool to keep you in line I'd imagine.

I too would send the conversation exchange to a wider family audience and let them see.

[jay55]

Your uncle would not let his wife go to a wedding he wasn't invited to would he.
He's awful, block and move on.

[Goingtobeawesome]

What a horrible man. You're probably the first to stand up to him. He's no loss as he's not a good person.

[SamWheat]

Listen, YOU didn't cause any of this upset, your uncle caused this whole situation and therefore is the one truely responsible for any upset that has resulted in it

Just seen your update 100% this ^^ NONE of this is your fault, your uncle is being absolutely ridiculous.
What part of not being able to take the entire week off work when that's not even the wedding does he not understand?!
He's using complete emotional blackmail as well which you need to ignore. You've done NOTHING wrong. Are all your cousins who are sticking their oar in in possession of all the facts and not just his version of events he's spun? As I can't believe any sane person would think your husband and yourself were in the wrong.

[SamWheat]

Why on earth do they need you all to be there for the entire week? To help childcare?! confused] Balls to that.
They are being seriously ridiculous and hugely unreasonable. In the words of other posters, absolutely batshit crazy!!
The weekend off for the wedding is fine, and you've actually said that you and the kids will go down for the rest of the week and DH come down for the weekend. He's not going to miss the wedding, he'll be there so goodness knows what their problem is!
You've offered up a perfectly fine solution, and they're being ridiculous.

[puglife15]

Id be forwarding uncles emails to the wider family. Just to be sure they all knew why I wasn't there.

I'd do this too, as otherwise he will fabricate a story about how horrible you've been. Say something like "I'm so sorry to have to send this to you but I need to let you all know why I am unable to attend x's wedding. I hope you can understand why I've had to make this decision and I want you to know that my absence is no reflection of my feelings about any of you. Wishing you all the best and lots of love, Chicken."

[Ememem84]

Id be forwarding uncles emails to the wider family. Just to be sure they all knew why I wasn't there.

You're doing the right thing.

[insancerre]

You have done the right thing
But I'm sorry that they are treating you this way. Hope you can talk to dh and he is supportive

[NervousRider]

They are saying things about your Mum - as in your deceased Mum, who can't defend herself. That is unforgivable.

[BarmySmarmy]

This is weird and disturbing.
What rules?
Step politely away.

[JenniferYellowHat1980]

Op I guarantee that if you allow yourself to splinter away from them you won't regret it. There's nothing better than your close, immediate family but wider family is just a bunch of disparate people with wildly different values and a minor genetic link. You don't need them.

[Baconyum]

Wow! So sorry op but yes you need to block now. Google depending what email you use. At the very least set his email to go straight to spam.

Nasty bastard! You don't deserve this op. This guy clearly has issues. (Mainly being a bullying dick!)

[bangingmyheadoffabrickwall]

Nothing else to add except that I agree with everything everyone has to say.

It is not within the Christian spirit to exclude nor is it to continually expect 'payment' for them taking you in as a child.

I find their attitude and excuses hypocritical; the term about 'being in the family spirit'. Your DH and DC are YOUR family. If they want you to act in this way, then putting your DH and DC first IS 'being in the family spirit'.

Did you ask out of curiosity why DH HAD to go for the week and wasn't welcome for just the weekend? It seems like a pathetic excuse to find a reason for him not to come, IMO!

They keep bringing up the fact there are differences in lifestyle and religious beliefs etc and how they are 'accepting' of you and your family 'despite this'. This just screams INTOLERANCE. They are deep down intolerant of you, your DH, your choice in lifestyle. If this was my biological parents, I would still choose to cut ties.

It isn't easy; I know as my father and brother have cut ties with me because of my determination to maintain a relationship with my mum after my parents divorced. And TBH, after the many lies told, I would have done the same (cut ties that is!)

[RaeSkywalker]

NCchicken, I'm so sorry

[ExasperatedAlmostAlways]

and Actually it's your uncle not acting in the family spirit by uninviting your husband because he has to work during the week. Complete lunacy.