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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my friend we can't be friends anymore

49 replies

Juliarobertshair · 21/06/2016 18:20

As she has taken her abusive, horrible husband back?

They've had a very long, awful relationship. Physical violence has increased in the last year (on one occasion in front of the kids). He is abusive, dismissive, absent and basically a complete fuckwit. I can't even mention most of the things he has done on here for fear of outing myself and her.

Two weeks ago after another violent outburst she kicked him out. He left willingly. The last two weeks I have answered upwards of 100 texts a day from her, supported her, been to her house everyday. She hasn't even heard from him (other than obsessively checking his FB and all he talked about was the football).

She's just text to say he came round this afternoon, had a long chat and they are giving it another go.

I feel fucking furious to be honest. Although i'm not really sure why. He will never change. I don't feel like I can just say 'ok good luck then'. What the hell do you say to that?

OP posts:
WhatALoadOfWankers · 21/06/2016 18:23

Although you are hurting I think she'll need you more than ever now

TheUnsullied · 21/06/2016 18:24

I've been in an abusive relationship with violence and don't think ceasing the friendship is the wrong move here. I'd probably message back saying you love her and will be there for her 100% the day that she sees sense but that you can't carry on watching what she's going through.

katemiddletonsnudeheels · 21/06/2016 18:24

I have a friend who keeps doing this. I do feel your pain in a way but I've concluded with my friend she's been brainwashed to a greater or lesser extent.

PurpleDaisies · 21/06/2016 18:26

Some people find it really hard to leave abusive partners and until they see it, they just won't see it if that makes sense.

Do you genuinely not want to be friends with her any more or it is more a mix of frustration and concern that's making you think of cutting her off?

I think I'd say something like "I'm glad you're happy but you can probably understand I've got reservations because of the way he's treated you, I hope things work out as you want then to."

Summerwood1 · 21/06/2016 18:27

You can't do that. She needs you more than ever.

Thelaundrylady · 21/06/2016 18:28

If you are a real friend you will be there for her regardless of her choices.. Ending a relationship even an abusive one can be incredibly difficult - don't judge her, support her

maggiethemagpie · 21/06/2016 18:28

I had this with a friend. I couldn't be friends anymore eventually didn't tell her just stopped bothering with her. We recently became friends again but on the understanding we won't talk about him. It is frustrating. Don't feel obliged to continue the friendship if you are feeling drained and over involved. Friendships should be a pleasure not an obligation. Your needs matter too.

TendonQueen · 21/06/2016 18:36

It's simply not fair to make OP feel she has to do something she is very unhappy with and that she has to 'save' her friend. She has choices too. OP I would go with Unsullied's reply.

Original poster
Juliarobertshair · 21/06/2016 18:38

It's so frustrating because she is at a financial advantage most women would kill for, especially if they were leaving their husbands. Her eldest child told her he preferred it without the DH there. That's what's killing me. Even his own kids don't want him there.

I just can't imagine keeping the relationship going after all the things she told me.

OP posts:
AddToBasket · 21/06/2016 18:40

OP, you are not an effective friend when you have invested to this extent. I totally get where you are coming from but you need to detach a wee bit so you can still stay friends.

Don't do anything dramatic. Don't tell her you aren't going to be friends. Just stop going round/answering every text. Don't blank her, just make her life smaller part of your life.

originalmavis · 21/06/2016 18:46

Don't walk away. It sounds like she will need a good friend. If he has manipulated her with the old song 'it will be better this time' it won't be long until it goes back to bad.

PlatoTheGreat · 21/06/2016 18:56

She isn't ready. She doesn't have the strength yet.
The best thing you can do is be there for her, to be her friend and support her leaving again.
Telling her that you can't be her friend anymore will basically tell her that her DH is right, she is worth nothing, she is stupid etc etc. You will drive her back to him even more by destroying her confidence even more.

If answering 100 texts a day is too much, step back A LITTLE BIT. Ensure that you are not so emotionally drained that you can't help her anymore.

But don't judge her. She is doing her best, her very best already.

PlatoTheGreat · 21/06/2016 18:56

When you say you can't see the relationship going, are you talking about her and her H or her and you?

threeelephants · 21/06/2016 19:02

I have been exactly where you are. I was angry too. I lost my friend for a while....her choice because I spoke my mind too much. I wish I'd taken a step back. Don't do anything drastic.
My friend got out eventually, thank god.
We're close again now, but it's been a long hard road.
Good luck to you, whatever you decide.

expatinscotland · 21/06/2016 19:02

I'd go with Unsullied's reply. You don't have to do something that makes you unhappy. She's an adult. She has choices. Your feelings and needs matter, too.

And frankly, I'd call SS. Those kids shouldn't be in that situation.

Original poster
Juliarobertshair · 21/06/2016 19:03

Her and me. I don't feel like I can just go around there when I know she's picked him over her own children's happiness.

i've text her "I'm not going to lie and say I think its the right decision, i understand how hard it is going it on your own. In my opinion he won't change, he has no reason to. I'm here for you if you need me, no judgement x

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 21/06/2016 19:05

'I don't feel like I can just go around there when I know she's picked him over her own children's happiness.'

Then don't! And tell her that. Seriously, report to SS. It's not fair those kids are subjected to this.

fleur34 · 21/06/2016 19:10

My mil is in a horrible relationship and DH and I have been through this with her several times. Whenever she takes her awful bloke back it makes me so sad. We have now left it that we don't want anything to do with him but still see her and she knows we are there for her. It's not ideal as always feel there is an elephant in the room and we never discuss him, but somehow we are making it work. It is incredibly frustrating to go through. I just hope one day she sees him for who he really is....
I hope your friend is ok, she is lucky to have you X

MaterEstIratus · 21/06/2016 19:13

You say something like "You know I support you but I can't support this decision and I can't sit a watch whilst he abuses you, anymore. When you want to leave, let me know and I'll help you get out."

Janecc · 21/06/2016 19:15

Your message sounds great. I would also report to SS.

Princesspinkgirl · 21/06/2016 19:22

Janecc if domestic violence occurs and police are called with children involved it's a automatic referal to social services I think no matter how you feel everyone should not go around calling ss on everyone

NewLife4Me · 21/06/2016 19:38

If his children believe it is better without him and he is abusive, then you have to report to ss, you have no choice.
Your friend, and her dc most importantly don't deserve this.
Please report, they will make her see it's in her and the dc interests to ltb.

thebear1 · 21/06/2016 19:44

Supporting someone in such a difficult situation can really take it out of you.if you feel you can no longer support her then step away.

LoisEinhorn · 21/06/2016 19:45

My ex was abusive and when my friend said that if I didn't do something about it she didn't want to hear about him anymore.
That gave me the push to end it completely. You could try that? The thought of not having her to talk to about it scared me.

Original poster
Juliarobertshair · 21/06/2016 19:50

She's replied that she understands but it's all going to be fine. They've had a hard year with the baby but things will be ok.

OP posts: