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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell my friend we can't be friends anymore

49 replies

Juliarobertshair · 21/06/2016 18:20

As she has taken her abusive, horrible husband back?

They've had a very long, awful relationship. Physical violence has increased in the last year (on one occasion in front of the kids). He is abusive, dismissive, absent and basically a complete fuckwit. I can't even mention most of the things he has done on here for fear of outing myself and her.

Two weeks ago after another violent outburst she kicked him out. He left willingly. The last two weeks I have answered upwards of 100 texts a day from her, supported her, been to her house everyday. She hasn't even heard from him (other than obsessively checking his FB and all he talked about was the football).

She's just text to say he came round this afternoon, had a long chat and they are giving it another go.

I feel fucking furious to be honest. Although i'm not really sure why. He will never change. I don't feel like I can just say 'ok good luck then'. What the hell do you say to that?

OP posts:

RosaRosaRose · 21/06/2016 19:54

Your message was well judged and helpful. I'm so glad that I had one last friend, like you, who helped me when I was ready and finally able to get away. Hard for you, but there may come a day when she will be so glad that you were there.

msindigo · 21/06/2016 19:56

My mum recently left my emotionally abusive father. The family were so pleased but she went back to him! Thankfully she has left again.
I was so frustrated by her decision to go back. I spoke to a couple of helplines about it - womens aid was one. They told me a woman can return to an abusive partner on average 16 times before they leave for good. Mum's self confidence is shot to pieces and I am able to look at her decisions as part of her journey and try not to take it personally.

TooMuchMNTime · 21/06/2016 20:05

Oh I feel for you
I can't support this kind of thing either, can only help when they leave. I can't go smiling at people who treat my friends like dirt.

expatinscotland · 21/06/2016 20:07

'Janecc if domestic violence occurs and police are called with children involved it's a automatic referal to social services I think no matter how you feel everyone should not go around calling ss on everyone'

Doesn't sound like this woman has called the police. And it's definitely in someone's remit to inform SS of this situation because the children are seeing this abuse.

All you do can, OP, is tell her you'll be there when she decides to end it but you need to take a step back because you can't stand by and watch this all unfold again.

maggiethemagpie · 21/06/2016 20:08

Don't stay friends out of a feeling of guilt OP, that will tarnish the friendship and you may end up resenting your friend.

I'd definitely calm it down a bit. Are you her only friend/confidant or are there others she can turn to?

Next time she says how horrible he's being, or that she's going to leave him, I'd be tempted to remind her that she's said all that before and you find it frustrating and draining to be her shoulder to cry on, when she has gone back to him so many times before.

I wouldn't get into a conversation of 'what did he do/ how awful/you must leave' type of thing.

Fluffycloudland77 · 21/06/2016 20:24

We have one in the family. I cut off years ago.

If one leaves another one comes along and the cycle repeats.

Drbint · 21/06/2016 20:28

I think she'll need you more than ever now

That's not the OP's problem though. Over and again I see posters telling people to stick by friends like this because that friend needs them so much, but that's emotional blackmail. What happens here is not the OP's responsibility. If she's had enough, she's had enough and shouldn't feel guilty walking away.

SolsburyHell · 21/06/2016 20:36

If you have ongoing concerns about violence and abuse, call social services. Regardless of how she is coping, make sure someone is looking out for the kids.

Shakey15000 · 21/06/2016 20:38

I agree that your needs matter also and you shouldn't feel guilty for disengaging.

KERALA1 · 21/06/2016 20:42

Very hard. My friend had an awful boyfriend who was vile to her. Sadly Dh there one night when she broke down and told us what he had said. She got back with him and married him - her family devastated.

Dh will not speak to her Dh and leaves the room if he is there. Super awkward. I can only see her one to one now. Part of me admires Dh sticking by his principles but makes seeing them as a family impossible.

PolitelyDisagree · 21/06/2016 20:50

I would disengage big time and I wouldn't feel guilty about it. I think the friend is taking advantage of the OP.

I know the friend needs support but the OP doesn't have to sacrifice her own time and peace of mind to be there for her friend all the time.

The friend obviously just downloads on to the OP rather than actually listening to her. Sending 100 texts a day is horribly self indulgent.

OP, if the situation was reversed do you think your friend would be there for you? My bet is that she wouldn't.

PlatoTheGreat · 21/06/2016 21:14

So if your friend wellbeing is not your responsibility, does it mean that, as a person, you will never hope to have a shoulder to cry on or a friend to listen to you because suddenly the world has come crashing down?

It's a very sad place to live where supporting a friend is being taken advantage off TBH.

Having said that, it is clear that the OP is VERY judgemental of the her 'friend' and that what she thinks (she is a waste of space/stupid/the worst mother in the world) will come out in her interaction with her 'friend'. So maybe it's better for the friend that OP takes her distance. At least she won't be another person to hurt her and undermine her self esteem again.

And then, people wonder why so many women are posting on here saying 'I have an abusive H and no friend'. It seems that it's not just because the H is abusive but also because said 'friends' have deserted the woman.

Atenco · 21/06/2016 22:55

You have all my sympathies, it is extremely frustrating seeing people in abusive relationship go back again and again. If you can stay friends with her, that would be for the best, because the more isolated these people become, the harder it is for them to get out.

katemiddletonsnudeheels · 21/06/2016 23:22

I seriously think we might have the same friend

Original poster

Juliarobertshair · 22/06/2016 07:20

Really? What does her name start with?

OP posts:

amarmai · 22/06/2016 07:26

Yes you can withdraw if that is better for you,op Maybe not send a negative message tho as things will change.

katemiddletonsnudeheels · 22/06/2016 08:08

With a H?

Original poster

Juliarobertshair · 22/06/2016 08:12

No! That's was lucky

She would hate for me to be posting on here

OP posts:

heron98 · 22/06/2016 08:34

YANBU.

You're not a saint - she is a grown woman and needs to take responsibility for her own choices. You have gone well beyond the call of duty as a good friend and it's not fair for you to be in that position forever.

katemiddletonsnudeheels · 22/06/2016 08:35

I wouldn't have said anything, don't worry :) I've lost track of where friend is up to in her relationship and I just don't try to understand. I really do honestly think part of her has been manipulated and twisted by him to the point of being partly brainwashed and it's so hard to watch where children are involved.

MadameJosephine · 22/06/2016 08:40

She is an adult and, however much you disagree, she is entitled to make bad choices.

HOWEVER, there is a baby involved here and they need protecting. If she can't do it then I'm afraid you definitely need to report to social services

Damselindestress · 22/06/2016 14:15

With the best will in the world, I couldn't cope with 100 texts a day. She is putting to much pressure on you. You don't have to end the friendship permanently but take a step back and suggest organisations like women's aid that she could contact. It is concerning that she is minimising the abuse and the affect it has on the children.

Damselindestress · 22/06/2016 14:16

*too

Wanderingraspberry · 22/06/2016 14:18

Don't ditch her, she needs you and if something did happen you would feel horrific. xxx

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