Two sets of in-laws and newborn

[user1466488499]

Hello, please be gentle with me, first timer here! We're expecting our first child next month, I'm excited, nervous, looking forward to it and also scared.

DHs parents are divorced, both re-married, with no other children so hubby is an only child and our child will be the first grandchild. This is where the issue starts with both sets of in-laws. They're mid-70s, have to be the centre of attention, don't help around the house and expect to be waited upon and taken out for meals. Luckily they live about 300 miles away so don't see them too often.

I made it clear to DH ages ago that I wanted our first 2 weeks out of hospital when he's on paternity leave to be just the three of us to help us bond as a family unit and get to know our child. I want to make sure I'm breastfeeding correctly and know I may well be sore and tired after giving birth.

Now FIL and wife have announced they're not happy about waiting to see their grandchild - problem is that because they live so far away, they'll want to stay for at least a couple of nights and they won't help out whatsoever. DH will spend his time running around after them rather than bonding with his child. As they have no experience with babies, I'll have to keep a close eye on them as well as trying to recover from the birth. I don't want my baby handed around like a plaything to entertain them. I have explained to them how newborns are very sensitive and could they wait a while before visiting but they've spent the weekend moaning to my husband who is now taking their side and says I am being unreasonable. The tiger mum inside me wants to protect and care for my little one and keep him close, not handed around to lazy in laws who won't do anything to help out. The only person I would appreciate around in the early days is my mum who will cook, clean, go to tesco etc. and be invaluable. DH says that if his parents aren't allowed to visit straightaway then neither should my parents - not getting the point that his lot are lazy and expect to be waited upon and stay for days whereas my folks will stay for an afternoon or one day and be brilliant.

Help, maybe I am being very selfish but I don't want my new baby handed around like a bag of sweets to lazy in laws who know nothing about babies and who won't help us....aargh! This is a recipe for disaster when i consider how raging hormones will be and sleep deprived after the birth....

Did this all happen 20 years ago when I had Ds or is it just that we didn't have the means of communicating it ?

Another breast feeder here who "got it wrong" on the post-natal ward, and ended up with cracked, bleeding nipples that felt best exposed to the air in a partially unzipped nursing bra. I'd read my Penelope Leach et al, midwife helped her latch on, disappeared and as she was still intermittently sucking I thought it would be wrong to take her off. She was sucking for over an hour 😬

I found that I wasn't comfortable breastfeeding in front of either my mum or my MIL. Both were very starey. I would take Dd up to the bedroom to feed and like another poster, they would follow! No lock on the door and they practised the simultaneous knock and enter technique, I'd say "I'm just feeding her", they'd say"Oh, I don't mind!" . I'd have to say "Actually, I prefer to do it in privacy if you don't mind".

However apart from this and the "She can't be hungry again, surely!?" comments (she formula fed), my mum was a great support, she cleaned, cooked and laundered. Of course she enjoyed cuddles but she didn't hog. My MIL by contrast would commandeer our only armchair and literally, wave a teabag at me or my husband. This was our signal to make yet another cup of tea, she only drank a certain obscure brand of Earl Grey that she carried with her at all times. To be fair the teabag waving wasn't only directed at me, it was good enough for the waiter at The Manoir Aux Quat Saisons as well as staff at humbler establishments.

It all depends on the individual mother; how the delivery and feeding goes; as well as the characters of the grandparents on BOTH sides. I reckon my two previous boyfriend's mothers would have been great MILs and much less onerous to host than mine. My PIL had a maid, a cook and a nanny when she had her two, and she spent 10 days in private nursing homes each time. She really had no idea. She was chronically lazy, her retired (wonderful) husband did everything for her at home: made and set out her lunch on her tray etc and brought it to her, cooked all meals, cleaned. It wasn't about her being my MIL, it was about her being as useful as a chocolate teapot but demanding with it. Luckily they never stayed overnight,mint would have broken me!

I think it's enormously disrespectful to expect a new mother to put up with anything that causes her discomfort just because relatives want to meet the new baby. If she wants two months of bonding time, that's pretty hard, but it's her baby and her decision.

I wouldn't be overjoyed if I had to wait two months to meet my first grandchild, but I would keep my mouth shut because it's not my baby. I certainly wouldn't make a fuss about 'access' against my DIL's wishes or put my son under pressure. We're talking about adults who are allowed to make their own decisions. I might not like those decisions but I'm required to respect them.

For me this is currently hypothetical, but as the mother of a son I'm aware that it's a future possibility. And, damn it, when he's an adult I will not be driving a wedge between him and his partner.

Does everyone not realise that parenting over 65yrs ago IS vastly different to now??

Smoking was common around babies
Putting alcohol in babies bottle was common
Putting baby rice in bottle as common
Giving baby solids at mere weeks was common
Leaving babies to cry for prolonged periods was common
Laying babies to sleep on their front was common

Sorry, but imo 70yr olds (unless regularly involved in rasing children) DO have very little experience of babies these days.

I forgot to add that babies/children were also carried on laps in cars. I used to sit on the parcel shelf in our car because there were more bums than seats!!

Opps, not 65 years ago, obviously.

Holding a new born baby over a couple of days does not involve any of the above. Parenting advice may have changed but common sense is still the same.

I had this same opinion when I was pregnant: no visitors, just the 3 of us.

But trust me, once you give birth you'll be super sore and exhausted, you and your husband will be very sleep deprived from having a new little one at the house.

So I found having grandparents around was a big help. My mum and MIL came over for 2 weeks each and it was a big help for someone to do the cooking, washing up, laundry and shopping.

Now, I know you say they are not the kind of people to help around. Maybe have an open chat with them and ask that if they'd like to visit it would be nice if they made the occasional dinner or a cup of tea.
Congrats on your little one and good luck!! :)

I don't understand why the needs of everyone are so much more important than the baby and the new mum. Surely it's better to rest for a little while and recover before allowing people around. Are people really so precious about seeing a newborn that they want the new mother to be stressed and worrying about guests?
When I gave birth to my second I had an 15month old at home. I gave birth to my youngest at 12pm and was home by 4pm. I then had to cook and bake for all the guests and even did the ironing as it needed doing. My youngest was born at just under 37 weeks and was jaundiced. I had torn badly and was feeling very faint. I couldn't sit down as there was no space due to visitors.
I ended up seriously ill and got PND to boot. I loved my ex mother in law so didn't want to stop her seeing my baby but bitterly regret that they couldn't put my health first for once.
I now see new mums when they are ready and turn up with a meal. I have a snuggle with the baby if allowed and then go home. I wish I had been able to have that.

Shovetheholly- none of those scenarios apply in this case. So pretty irellevant, no?

And yes, parenting has changed over the last 50 years. Cuddling a newborn, however, hasn't.

So why can't your leaking, frail female body just stay in bed for a bit while your dp oversees the baby meeting it's family?

BettrandRussell, honestly read that back to yourself, you are coming across as a bit of a misogynist. Why do you feel so strongly that the grandparents have to see the baby even if the mum is not feeling physically up to it yet? Do you really think the ILs would come to see the baby and not also expect some social interaction with the mother?

I didn't say two months was ideal, I said that was the soonest I felt up to travelling four hours with a newborn and my older DS. One go was ill so couldn't travel. Should I have hopped directly in the car from the hospital with half the placenta still hanging out?

Most new parents can't wait to show off the newborn, but there is definitely something very stressful about being pressured to have house guests in the first few weeks when there is so much unknown. do you actually disagree with that?

Surely it's better to rest for a little while and recover before allowing people around

Assuming that's what the mother wants. Really wants.

But again, not all mothers want that. Or is that too hard to imagine?

I am assuming that the OP is not planning on having any more children?
I can understand not wanting to have house guests - although I would not dream of allowing my parents and not my husband's to visit - Could his parents not stay with yours?
I honestly think this is a very modern phenomena - I think it was referred to in The Times as Special Sausage Syndrome, where the generation who are not 20-35 have been brought up to feel they are so special and valued, that their wants and needs override everyone else's.
OK, new mum is more important than the ILs although even arguing who is more important is a step too far in my eyes.
But what about new dad?

Has the new Dad undergone a potentially traumatic procedure?

Bertrand - no, it's completely relevant, because everyone is chipping in with their own personal experience. Recognising that every situation is different, and that what works well for one family may be disastrous in another, is key.

We simply don't have enough information from the OP to be able to judge what her relationship with her in laws actually is. It's an internet forum - we are working in the dark, so sometimes the best we can do is either to offer our personal experience (with caveats about its limitations to our own case alone) or to offer more general guidance (and leave it up to the OP to decide).

My point is to kibosh the idea that all in laws necessarily have the same right to access as parents in all cases. It's up to the OP to decide where she draws the line since only she knows the particularities of her case.

I said that nobody should have people staying they don't want. And no, I am not being misogynist. I am saying that there is no reason why people should not visit a father and his newborn and the mother needs to have no involvement with the visit at all if she doesn't want to.

And I object very strongly to the subtext that women are completely in the thrall of their hormones and need to be humoured and indulged- it's exactly the reasoning that kept women unequal for generations. There is nothing at all wrong with saying "I don't feel up to/don't want visitors today- you deal with them, dp, if you want them". That makes him an equal parent. There is plenty wrong with "I have just had a baby so the entire world must revolve around me"

If your husband was recovering from a hospital stay would he want your parents around a lot?
Maybe he'd prefer his own. I see it the same way, he isn't giving birth!

shovetheholly- obviously things are different if the proposed visitors are bastards.

It's the idea of no visitors on principle that I object to.

"If your husband was recovering from a hospital stay would he want your parents around a lot?
Maybe he'd prefer his own. I see it the same way, he isn't giving birth!"

If he had just had a baby, might you not want to show the baby to your parents?

"So why can't your leaking, frail female body just stay in bed for a bit while your dp oversees the baby meeting it's family?"

Just a guess, I think Bertrand was being ironic referring tangentially to a previous post

Differentnameforthis: And despite all the hardships babies went through in the olden days we do have quite a large number of people who are now over 100 years old.

Some of the mums are so precious here, I really hope that the ones who are saying don't let anyone visit baby for 2 weeks are not going to be the same mums who drop the DCs at GPs house at 7 am and pick up at 7 pm. I hope they never ask to borrow any money or expect GPs to set up trusts for the babies they are not allowed to see for 2 weeks.
I was not greatly enamoured by my PILs and have never been sure what to think of MIL in particular. When I was in late pregnancy, in hospital or within a few weeks of being home she would arrive with huge plates of sandwiches, cakes, fruits etc. I was really grateful as it meant I got food without cooking and those with her were fed these treats too so I did not have to cook. She was an excellent cook but would never have taken over my kitchen. It is only now that the DCs are much older and the PILs are no longer with us that I realise she had a good plan there.
You will be very lucky if you get away with dictating what people do around your child. I am totally on side with you that a drinker should not lift the baby and smoking should be done during a walk away from the house. You should never make a difference between the GPs it could come back to bite you.
Hope it all goes well for you.

I honestly think this is a very modern phenomena - I think it was referred to in The Times as Special Sausage Syndrome, where the generation who are not 20-35 have been brought up to feel they are so special and valued, that their wants and needs override everyone else's.

So re having new babies - This is interesting - I think a need should override wrt mum and baby. Wants are where you (and others) compromise to find a way of building a strong family.

Really don't understand why allowing a woman a couple of weeks to gather her dignity is see as a huge slight. Really?

Does it really matter that much?

It's not a modern idea at all btw - confinement was the norm in this country and culture for centuries.

Such hyperbole BertrandRussell!* *

I think the real modern phenomenon is that grandparents expect to stay at their adult children's homes in the early weeks, rather than the mother getting ten nice comfy days in hospital. I think the world DID revolve around the mother for most of our mothers when they were in hospital. My mum's advice to me with my second was 'stay in hospital as long as you can, because as soon as you get out of your bed, everyone expects business as usual'. The three days I spent in hospital reading Jane Austen and getting to know my newborn in peace was the best bonding experience I can imagine (not the uk!) I think the way the NHS kicks you out in the UK now is sold as doing the mum a favour but in reality it is just leaving you to sort everything yourself when you feel like shit. We are being led to believe success looks like getting back to normal within hours and women are proud because they are out of their pyjamas on day 2. They say for really well established breast feeding the best thing is loads of skin to skin in the first weeks. How is that compatible with inlaws staying at your house?

Just say no - my MIL is similar - sometimes a clear no is best

If you want a halfway house suggest a hotel for one night after say 1 week or 10 days - but don't be setting expectations they will be run around after - they can eat at the hotel etc and get themselves from the hotel to your house by taxi -

Yes they are grandparent and have a right to see the baby - but they do not have the right to be another burden at a very stressful time

I know there will those of the opinion it's dreadful to deprive interested grandparents of the opportunity etc - yes all well and good if they are helpful and live close by and pop in for an hour or so - hosting unhelpful grandparents who live along way away expect to get 3 days hotel style service is very different