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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this was rude?

150 replies

MrsNightOwl · 20/06/2016 19:02

My friend has been there for me through thick and thin, and has helped me through many dark times in my life. Recently her car became a write off - she was upset because she needed it to get to and from work 30 miles away and couldn't afford to buy a new one. As it happens, I've been trying to sell my second car for ages (a cheap banger, but runs amazingly well) so to help her out I told her she could have it for nothing - she graciously accepted.

A week later, and I've just got a text from her asking for the tenner back that she lent me in the supermarket when I didn't have enough to pay for my shopping. I'd totally forgotten about it.

AIBU to be annoyed that she would ask, when I've given her a free car?

OP posts:
laidbackneko · 20/06/2016 20:39

I'm not suggesting that this would happen OP, you are obviously a very generous friend - but could your friend be worried that by not asking for the tenner back she might be blurring the lines in future? That if she ever lends money to you from now, she might feel that there's an expectation for her to say "don't worry Owl, you gave me your car, you don't have to pay me back". So she's nipping it in the bud now, so to speak ?

Original poster
MrsNightOwl · 20/06/2016 20:49

Yes, car's all signed over properly so no worry of that.

Possibly Loopy, who knows. Part of me feels I am BU and the other part feels it was rude. Yes she's skint, but there was a Dominos pizza box in her kitchen when I went round a few days ago. It could've been from another friend visiting or something though.

I hope she doesn't come across this thread, I don't think she will. When I mentioned Mumsnet once she'd never heard of it!

OP posts:
Alanna1 · 20/06/2016 20:54

You know, I'd give her the £10. She's saved you scrapping the car and she appears broke.

Katedotness1963 · 20/06/2016 20:55

Is it possible her mind has just fixated on being owed the tenner and she hasn't thought about the car? Then at some point she's going to get that awful sinking insides feeling you get when you realise you've monumentally fucked up?

Tattieboggle · 20/06/2016 20:57

You're being very petty now bringing a pizza into things and it's almost as if you are saying people who are given help by their friend should remember they're indebted to them and live accordingly from then on in.

And I'm not sure you were ready to have helped your friend even without the tenner and the pizza muddying the waters. Yes you did it but you're having trouble living it. You either have to give with a clean heart or not at all.

Familyof3or4 · 20/06/2016 21:09

I don't think it's rude, you (very kindly) gave her the car for free, not with conditions attached.

Crunchymum · 20/06/2016 21:21

If she had said 'I'm so sorry to ask after everything you have done for me but I desperately need that tenner from last week' then fair enough. To just ask for the tenner is weird, rude and ungrateful.

ENormaSnob · 20/06/2016 21:21

Yanbu

You have been chauffering her around and then gave her a car ffs.

Mimicat44 · 20/06/2016 21:24

Its not what I would do if someone had given me a car, however it's not worth falling out with a good friend about

SmellyTelly · 20/06/2016 21:30

yanbu but i imagine she is really broke to be asking for that back

EttaJ · 20/06/2016 21:52

I can see why you feel put out but I do agree with others. She must be really hard up to ask for it back. Seeing as you're the only one that knows her OP only you can say if it is typical behaviour from her . Re the pizza, that's just being incredibly petty. Sounds almost like that because you have given her the car you feel you can judge how she spends her money from now on. No you cannot. If you're that good friends I'd say nothing and move on from it.

Alisvolatpropiis · 20/06/2016 22:18

I'd imagine she didn't flesh out her message with "I'm sorry to ask but..."

Because she either assumes you know that already or is too proud to. Or both.

YouAreMyRain · 20/06/2016 22:19

You clearly didn't give her the car freely.

It was very kind of you but a gift should be a gift.

At what value would it have been OK for her to ask for the loan back? If she'd leant you £50 would she have been cheeky to ask for it back? £100? £190? I'm asking so you can see how freely you gave the "gift" of the car.

If you expected her to fund your shopping up to £200 it wasn't a gift at all.

If she's a good friend you will get the value of the car back at some point, either in terms of time, support, love, favours or money when you need it.

The car is totally separate.

You were generous and expected generosity in return but it doesn't always come back immediately and it's always relative to affordability.

YouAreMyRain · 20/06/2016 22:20

And yes, the pizza thing was very petty. Maybe she bought it thinking "if I get that tenner back tomorrow, I can afford a pizza today" that's her business.

Alisvolatpropiis · 20/06/2016 22:22

I think it is a bit much to say that skint people can't afford to run cars. They might do without all manner of things in order to keep the car which keeps them in employment.

And yes you're right, the dominos pizza box could easily have been pizza paid for by someone else.

I'm pretty skint myself at the moment, though back to work next week after mat leave. My friends, because they enjoy spending time with me I suppose, have been generous re socialising. I have been generous in the past myself and will be in the future when I am financially able, they know that. So my being able to socialise isn't a true reflection of finances because of that generosity.

Zame · 20/06/2016 22:58

If a friend had saved me hundreds of pounds by giving me a car there's no way on earth is be asking for a tenner back that I leant them.
If I was desperate for money I'd ask to borrow it from them or even ask f they could spare it but id have written off the tenner that had been leant.
So in my opinion YANBU

ScrewyMcScrewup · 20/06/2016 23:07

All the people saying if she can afford to run a car she can afford to write off a tenner... you do realise she needs the car to get to work? It's quite possible she can't afford it, and is going into debt to run it, but without it she has NO income. Would you rather she gave up work?

If she didn't need the £10 of course this would be unreasonable. But she clearly does.

I've also given a car away free. I didn't attach any conditions to it.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 20/06/2016 23:24

Have got this right.
You give her your car.
And she asks you a tenner that she lent you in back in the ice age. Hmm.
Yes very rude

IWantToBeAHippy · 21/06/2016 01:24

I was going to say your friend was rude but then i thought even though she got a free car maybe she really does need the money (food,gas,electricity?) and had no other option but to ask you for it back.

VioletBam · 21/06/2016 02:35

Those people saying she'd have had to pay more for a car are missing the point.

She didn't HAVE the money to pay for a car.

She needed the tenner.

When you have no money you have NO money. What's hard to grasp about that?

OP I think YABU. You gave her the car. You didn't give it her for a tenner.

sycamore54321 · 21/06/2016 02:39

Honestly the whole thing sounds bonkers. There is a saying 'neither a borrower nor a lender be' and this thread illustrates why. But you are now in this messy situation.

To my mind, giving someone a car is extraordinarily generous. I also think it is very odd of you to need to borrow ten pounds for shopping while in a position to give away a car. If it didn't sell when priced at £200, then you needed to drop the price increasingly. But what is done, is done.

Oddly, it seems your friend was in a better situation before you gave her our car if she was getting free lifts with you - no tax, insurance, fuel, maintenance costs. I'm not saying this to make you feel bad about your generous act but to echo a question above of whether she is taking too much from you.

I am a person who hates getting into debt and would therefore pay back the ten pounds if I were you. Equally if I were your friend, I would t have asked for it. Then draw a line under it all. Agree a very conscious decision with your friend that this is the end of all financial transactions, however informal, between you. If you couldn't afford your shopping (unless it was a temporarily forgotten purse situation), then you cannot afford generous gifts and casual lending arrangements with friends. Anything else will lead to bad blood.

sycamore54321 · 21/06/2016 02:40

Typo - I wouldn't have asked for it.

BadLad · 21/06/2016 02:51

I also think it is very odd of you to need to borrow ten pounds for shopping while in a position to give away a car

Mistakenly left bank card at home, cash in wallet is about ten quid short of the shopping, rather than farting about choosing stuff to put back friend lends OP a tenner.

SomeDaysIDontGiveAMonkeys · 21/06/2016 02:58

She's obviously totally skint at the moment. The gifted car and the tenner you borrowed are two separate things.

ShoesieQ · 21/06/2016 07:21

Oh come on people, if her mate's that skint that a tenner's really important she won't be buying Dominos. I think that's the only reason the OP mentioned it.