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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu - in laws

124 replies

Peppamouse16 · 20/06/2016 12:01

Hi everybody I'm new here but figured since reading the advice you guys give to others,that is share my story on here and ask for advice too.

A bit of background,I had DS in January and I live with my FIL,MIL & BIL,my partner works away all week and comes home on a weekend.
This could get long so please bare with me Confused
For a while I have been silently going crazy,I hate the position I'm in at the minute,and dare I say it,I hate my in laws. I'm not being ungrateful or rude and I've never voiced it but I do. My FIL smokes all round the house,my MIL is passive aggressive and my BIL is weird,they all have zero personal hygiene or any sort of hygiene in general. The main problem I'm having at the minute is BIL keeps calling DS sexy. I really do hate people calling babies sexy. He asks me if I need to do anything so he can hold DS and play with him but I don't like it. He'll sometimes come back to the house on his breaks from work and will try and wait until DS is finished napping before he leaves. He doesn't wash or brush his teeth and blows raspberries on him which makes me feel sick and I have to clean him after. He took pictures of him (fully clothed) and I was holding him,but then called him a sexy little shi*.

I don't like him,it makes me feel uneasy. AIBU and overreacting or just being over protective? I just want to get out of this house so badly but we're saving up Sad
I've tried to say to OH I don't really like it when they call DS sexy but I don't think he took it seriously.. I'm a scaredy cat and will keep my mouth shut but then I'll blow and take it out in my OH which isn't fair. Any advice?? X

OP posts:
Toofondofcake · 20/06/2016 20:59

It's none of our business whether OP's babies were planned or not so you should all keep your opinions to yourself on that one. She's asking for a bit of advice not a sex ed lesson.

OP the only answer is to move out. I have lived with awful in laws before and me and DH cut our losses and spent our savings moving out.

In terms of BIL next time he makes that kind of comment to your DS tell him firmly that you won't tolerate that at all, that it's inappropriate and then leave the room for him to stew on it.
As far as the smoking goes reiterate to them that they are putting baby's health at risk and if they are still refusing to curb it invest in an air purifier for your personal space in the house.

Sorry you're going through this. You'll get past it. Don't despair!

MrsRyanGosling15 · 20/06/2016 21:00

Look people may not like this, but I'm my view the brother sounds like pedophile who has an unhealthy intrests in your child. To say you wouldn't move 27 mile to protect your child is telling. Forget the smoking, that behaviour is not normal. That man would never lay eyes on my child again. Ever, even in a room filled with 100 people. Get. Your. Child. Out. Sleep in a fucking box if you have to. Leave your partner and live on your own if you have to, but I wouldn't let my child stay in that house another night with that man.

gobbynorthernbird · 20/06/2016 21:00

You have a partner who works, yet can't afford a deposit or driving lessons despite not paying rent. What happened to the returned deposit from your previous property? You aren't independent. At all. Lol

Original poster
Peppamouse16 · 20/06/2016 21:07

Angryyoungwoman,
I can't keep up with comments,another 3 or 4 months and I'd have enough..
Bibbidibobbidi
I haven't seen or heard from anyone else since I had LO,only close family,the rest of my family live in Yorkshire.. I'm going to start this weekend,my mum will watch LO for an hour. OH's work is over 160 miles away,I may as well move there Sad.
Thisismyfirsttime
I'm being offered flats on a council estate and one house with no garden,which would probably suit maybe an older couple or elderly couple? I don't know Confused

OP posts:
lastnightiwenttomanderley · 20/06/2016 21:10

OP I think you've had a bit of a hard time here but you do seem to be ignoring some of the genuine questions people are asking to try and help you better.

  1. If a rental deposit is about 6 weeks rent, let's say you need three months rent in total saved to cover fees etc before you can rent privately. You moved in when pregnant so have been there over six months and therefore should have been able to save three months rent. You mention bills but you'll still have these when renting - and they may well be higher. In all honesty, is renting privately a realistic expectation?
  1. Why isn't your DP contributing to savings? Where does his money go as this seems like a very unequal scenario financially.
  1. DS is 9mo and we live 40 miles from my parents and 160 from DHs. Your children need to be put first and, imo, the council house may provide that. I knew nobody when we moved here but children are fantastic for meeting people through all the baby groups. Please consider distances in context of public transport, time, frequency of visits etc. Perhaps I'm blasé as I travel 2hrs each way into London for work as we prefer the quality of life where we are now. How often do you see your mum at the moment?
MariaSklodowska · 20/06/2016 21:14

OP you have suggested your BIL is a pedophile, but you wont move 30 miles away. Then you just keep saying 'lol'. there is nothing 'lol' about a situation in which you are putting your child at risk on a daily basis. And you 'tell the HV everything'....Confused
Just take the council house.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 20/06/2016 21:20

I can't offer you advice on how to make your BIL stop being a smelly sleazeball. Mainly because I think people like that never stop being smelly sleazes.

I think that's why people are so focussed on your closing down of options that the rest of us would be jumping at.

Is OH trying to get a job closer? Working 160 miles away and still not earning enough to save £700, while your partner and children live with smelly sleazeballs, is pretty shit.

Crispbutty · 20/06/2016 21:24

" OH's work is over 160 miles away,I may as well move there"

I did suggest that. Seems like the most sensible solution all round really. Build a new life, make new friends, have your own little home. Have your OH on hand 7 days a week instead of struggling on your own. Sounds the obvious thing to do.

mumto1babyboy · 20/06/2016 21:25

Crikey why don't u Maria get off her back! She's asking for advice not abuse!!
Your BIL is way out of line ..
You need to get out of there Hun , you can do it take to your local citizens advice.. And your other half. Xx

AlpacaLypse · 20/06/2016 21:25

Do have a proper look at the council accommodation, yy it's thirty odd miles away from your mum ... but also yy it's thirty odd miles away from your smoky pervy ILs! Fresh start?

MariaSklodowska · 20/06/2016 21:27

" She's asking for advice not abuse!! "
at no time have i been abusive, thank you.

gobbynorthernbird · 20/06/2016 21:31

CAB will tell the OP to take the next council place she's offered. They're dealing with people who are properly in the shit everyday.

selsigfach · 20/06/2016 21:31

Children don't need a house that isn't on an estate or one with a garden. They need a house that isn't full of creeps and smokes! I'd love to be only 27 miles from my family and I have a baby. You're either desperate to move or you're not - clearly you're not. No sympathy here.

MariaSklodowska · 20/06/2016 21:33

" you can do it take to your local citizens advice "

mmm yes hun that would work Confused

daftbesom · 20/06/2016 21:36

OP I can appreciate you are in a very difficult position and some of the comments on this thread are annoying you.

Hopefully you'll have a useful meeting with the housing team and be able to work out next what is best for you. (It really sounds to me like you need to be out of that house, but it's your call.)

I live 80 miles from my parents and for the first 14 years of DCs' life we had no car. Absolutely crucial was the availability of daily amenities (schools, shops) within walking distance, and then public transport for work and for visiting our wider family every few weeks (they visited us too). I worked 20 miles from home in the nearest big city and could only do so because of the availability of buses.

Your extended family is really important, but you are making your own family now, which absolutely has to come first.

Your BiL is saying very inappropriate things, in my opinion.

Flowers and good luck

Almostfifty · 20/06/2016 21:42

I don't understand why you don't move to where your OH is working.

mumto1babyboy · 20/06/2016 21:43

Your a bully Maria!
Hmm why are u on here haha!!

PurpleRainDiamondsandPearls · 20/06/2016 21:44

I appreciate that you're between a rock and a hard place. YANBU about your inlaws. BIL sounds creepy as hell and I'd be getting out of there. I know your other options aren't perfect but surely they're better than this?! YABU to remain living somewhere where your child is at risk. Who cares about a garden? 30 miles isn't much to to keep him and your new baby safe.

Thisismyfirsttime · 20/06/2016 21:49

You need to get out of there and you're being offered a way out. You should take it, if you're paying your way at the IL's you should move, then start saving. The money you save from paying them will go some way towards your own bills/ rent etc and you can save less in a safer environment for your dc's. If your dp doesn't want to move far away you should consider doing it without him since he's clearly making no difference in backing you up in his home! Where does he stay while he's away all week? You are being offered an opportunity many would grab with both hands, see it as a positive!

ThisisMajorTomtoGroundControl · 20/06/2016 21:53

Council flats on council estates with no garden is what I'm bringing up my two children in. The desperate aren't picky. It may be hellish outside but inside it's my tranquil middle class ideal. Smoke free with no in laws. Perfect.

JessicaRabbit3 · 20/06/2016 21:54

Why would not have a home before you had your DS? Your living there free or a reduced rate yet your on the internet complaining about your inlaws who kindly put a roof over your head. Calling a baby sexy is odd I agree if it's a problem find a place and start renting.

Original poster
Peppamouse16 · 20/06/2016 22:03
  1. No,we had things for baby to buy from scratch and I didn't qualify for a sure start grant either as I didn't qualify.
  2. his financial situation isn't the best either but he tries where he can
  3. everyone is different in terms of circumstance,I for one have just in the past year recovered from a couple of things medically which means yes,I'm being selfish wanting to be near my family.

I'm just ignoring negative people that don't have anything helpful to say,its tedious.

OP posts:
RagamuffinAndFidget · 20/06/2016 22:05

DH and I, and our three kids, live in a two bedroomed flat with no garden of our own. It's not ideal, and we do hope to move to a house with a garden one day, but we manage. We do have a communal garden but it's quite small, but the kids can go out and play a bit so it does the job.

We lived in a bedsit when DS1 was born, so this place feels like a palace compared to that! We took what we had to in order to create a better home for our child, and now we have a little family and our own space. It isn't perfect but it does the job.

Just take one of the places you're offered OP. You can still save once you're in, if you want, and if your income is as low as you say then you may even find you're entitled to extra help that you won't qualify for whilst living with relatives.

Just take whatever you can to get yourself and your child out of the situation you're in because it sounds awful.

gamerchick · 20/06/2016 22:07

But just don't see it as being away from you family, see it as a diversion so you don't have to walk the streets or stay in one room with smoke and creeps towards your goal.

Crispbutty · 20/06/2016 22:09

"i'm just ignoring negative people that don't have anything helpful to say,its tedious."

You are ignoring most people and dismissing any sensible suggestions too