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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu - in laws

124 replies

Peppamouse16 · 20/06/2016 12:01

Hi everybody I'm new here but figured since reading the advice you guys give to others,that is share my story on here and ask for advice too.

A bit of background,I had DS in January and I live with my FIL,MIL & BIL,my partner works away all week and comes home on a weekend.
This could get long so please bare with me Confused
For a while I have been silently going crazy,I hate the position I'm in at the minute,and dare I say it,I hate my in laws. I'm not being ungrateful or rude and I've never voiced it but I do. My FIL smokes all round the house,my MIL is passive aggressive and my BIL is weird,they all have zero personal hygiene or any sort of hygiene in general. The main problem I'm having at the minute is BIL keeps calling DS sexy. I really do hate people calling babies sexy. He asks me if I need to do anything so he can hold DS and play with him but I don't like it. He'll sometimes come back to the house on his breaks from work and will try and wait until DS is finished napping before he leaves. He doesn't wash or brush his teeth and blows raspberries on him which makes me feel sick and I have to clean him after. He took pictures of him (fully clothed) and I was holding him,but then called him a sexy little shi*.

I don't like him,it makes me feel uneasy. AIBU and overreacting or just being over protective? I just want to get out of this house so badly but we're saving up Sad
I've tried to say to OH I don't really like it when they call DS sexy but I don't think he took it seriously.. I'm a scaredy cat and will keep my mouth shut but then I'll blow and take it out in my OH which isn't fair. Any advice?? X

OP posts:
alanthicke · 20/06/2016 15:35

I despise smoking and would never want a baby around it but the fact is, OP, it is their house. Contributing towards bills is nice but they're still doing a favor by letting you stay and no matter how considerate you are, having 1-2 adults plus a baby in the house is not exactly unobtrusive. I would bet that your in-laws don't think it's that harmful to smoke around a baby and you probably won't convince them otherwise. Asking them to stop smoking in their own home is gojnh to be taken as pretty cheeky and I can't entirely blame them. And I say this as someone who has never smoked, never will smoke, and can't stand anything about it.

As far as your BIL's comments, you are right to be concerned but asking him to stop is going to change whatever underlying motivation is driving it. Presumably your child is too young to understand, so you are really talking about your own comfort and preferences. (See paragraph 1 about it not being your house.). Most likely he's just being a twat, and asking him to stop will only cause drama and make him do even more obnoxious things. And if he is indeed some kind of paedophile, stopping the comments won't make your baby any safer and indeed might even cause you to let your guard down.

Bottom line, you can't control other people in their own home. Trying to do so will only make things more difficult for everyone. I say don't leave your child alone with BIL and move out immediately. To the extent you still feel it's appropriate to ask them to change their behavior, that request needs to come from your DH, not you. It is his family and they will take it much better coming from him.

Good luck.

IamSlavetotheEU · 20/06/2016 16:44

As far as your BIL's comments, you are right to be concerned but asking him to stop is going to change whatever underlying motivation is driving it

^

I feel for you op and I wish posters wouldn't be so cruel when they say " why did you get pregnant etc"

This op ispregnant and does have a baby, she can't turn back the clock so why not help with descent useful advice?

Op do you honestly save every penny you can, don't spend ££ where you don't need ie, clothes, extras new for baby? Get everything second hand, charity shops, baby sales...ebay, sell stuff.

Do you budget properly ie break down every penny you get in, and what you need on out goings and stick within those perimeters?
I can only see the way out being to save harder.

The smoking is not very considerate, I think any considerate kind smoker would at the very least smoke outside ( even if as usually happens all the smoke comes flooding back in). But I agree they sound bloody minded and simply dont care. However your baby will survive the smoke! Its not ideal at all, but it will survive, and you will soon be out of the smokey environment.

As for BIL, Shock he sounds repulsive. I wouldn't trust him for a second.

IamSlavetotheEU · 20/06/2016 16:46

maria you sound very aggressive, op is obv struggling why don't you take it down a notch?

MariaSklodowska · 20/06/2016 16:48

huh?
How do I sound 'aggressive'? Confused
I merely picked up on the OP having been offered council housing, from what she said.

FrancisdeSales · 20/06/2016 17:04

I was also wondering about the OP being offered housing. OP if you are offered decent council housing why don't you accept it and then save up to learn to drive. It is really important that you are as independent as possible. You are going to get very anxious and depressed staying in your current situation. There may be no perfect solution but getting out of the current house seems to be the priority.

KittensandKnitting · 20/06/2016 17:11

If I had to choose between living with my inlaws who act like this and a council house on the moon - I would choose the council house.

Yes you can't change having a child and now a second one on the way but they are helping you by letting you stay there and it sounds like you did have a choice to move.

BIL sounds vile to be honest

deathtoheadlice · 20/06/2016 17:11

many people move not just miles, but hundreds or thousands of miles to improve the situation for their families and dc. if you've been offered housing mere "miles" away, why on earth would you not take it? move somewhere miles away with buses, learn to drive - it's got to be better than where you are now.

Original poster
Peppamouse16 · 20/06/2016 19:32

That's the thing-they aren't exactly lol I've heard them (mil) talking. I was asked if I wanted to live here here because they aren't actually allowed to see their other grandchild and thought it would be nice for them to be close to lo actually,I'm not 'dependant on their kindness' Confused I lived on my own before and can and want to live on my own again,I'm a very independent woman,and as for this 'kindness' you speak of lol there are things I haven't and won't mention here that have occurred -and kindness isn't a word I'd use to describe them. Stfu and trot on Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
Peppamouse16 · 20/06/2016 19:44

Sorry to everyone's helpful comments,all I see is gobbynorthernbird's comments and Mariasklodwoska's comments and my blood boils. I can't afford driving lessons let alone a car and the expense that goes with it,and if I was to accept a council home miles away,it would take 3 years for me to even be able put in for a swap to somewhere closer (or that's how it used to be). I have made an appointment with my local housing team tomorrow though to talk through my current situation. I think you're right,lo isn't aware of what he's saying but I think it is so inappropriate to call a baby sexy and I am super protective of him so maybe I am overreacting,certainly won't be any good coming from me,although when he said it earlier Angry I said 'oh no I'm too little to be sexy,but I am not too little to be this flipping cute' in a baby voice,hoping it would send the message home Hmm

OP posts:
Tiredofsummer · 20/06/2016 19:45

I think unfortunately if your that unhappy you should except a council place wherever infact I had a friend who did just that when she was a mother at 17 living with inlaws who sound a little bit worse then yours she took a place miles away from all friends and family to get her and dc out of where they were living and she made new friends got a job and was much happier.

If I had the concerns you had about the bil and the smoking I would cut my losses to be honest and get my babys out of there it sounds extremely unconfortable, you have my sympathys op. Flowers

MariaSklodowska · 20/06/2016 19:48

" ,all I see is gobbynorthernbird's comments and Mariasklodwoska's comments and my blood boils. "

your 'blood boils' at the suggestion you take a council house offered to you?
Really? OK so stay where you are then with someone who calls your baby 'sexy'....Confused

orangebird69 · 20/06/2016 19:52

You're hardly independent if you can't afford to drive, have your own home or manage to not get pregnant by mistake, twice.

orangebird69 · 20/06/2016 19:53

And I'm pretty sure you only get to turn down offered housing so often before you're put to the bottom of the list again.

MariaSklodowska · 20/06/2016 19:55

that would depend on the local authority orangebird AFAIK.

Anyway I agree you are hardly 'very independent' if the idea of having to move a few miles fazes you so much.

Cheby · 20/06/2016 20:06

Why is it taking so long to save up for a deposit?

You said you're paying towards all the household bills where you are now, fine, but you're not paying rent? And presumably the bills are low if split between 5 adults?

You said a deposit was upwards of £700, and that you were renting previously. Deposits are usually 4-6 weeks rent. So it's reasonable to assume rent is in the £5-600 mark?

Given that you're no longer paying rent, you should be able to save a deposit in a couple of months max?

Original poster
Peppamouse16 · 20/06/2016 20:12

Okay orange and Maria you clearly know a lot more about my housing situation than I've actually posted lol let me explain how it works for you.. for one you get offered properties that you then bid on,there will be several or no people in front of you depending on the band you're placed in (I'm high priority but still have several people with more of a need than myself) the closest I've been offered this week is 27.9 miles away. Does this put the distance into perspective for you? And how does getting pregnant twice (both very happy surprises,not mistakes as you so nicely put it) make me less of and independent woman? Does an independent woman,in your opinion,need to drive? Am I a dependant woman because I am saving my own money to move into my own home? I pay my way,I pay my bills,I'm taking care of my own sh!t. I asked for advice on bil,not for your judgement on how dependent I am or might not be according to you.

OP posts:
ThisisMajorTomtoGroundControl · 20/06/2016 20:13

Here a two bed Shitey flat would be about £900 a month, then deposit, agency fees so it could be nearly £2000 plus up front before you take into consideration cost of physically moving. However, if council housing has been offered you take it and work to improve upon it. I was over the moon when I was finally offered a flat in the shittest area possible. I don't sleep the weekend because the fights that rage all night outside. But it was literally better than the nothing I had before and in time I can swap. Take the council housing.

orangebird69 · 20/06/2016 20:14

Are you working then Peppa? And lmao.... 28 miles??? I used to drive 60 miles each way for work every day. Get a grip.

Original poster
Peppamouse16 · 20/06/2016 20:14

Cheby I am not made of money,I have bills,i put away what I can. Why am I explaining myself over and over again Confused

OP posts:
CurbsideProphet · 20/06/2016 20:15

Genuine question: how far away are the council homes you have been offered? 10/20/3040/50+ miles? I thought you could only veto a certain number of times, so you should check that tomorrow.

Your living situation sounds hideous. I hate smoking, especially inside. I think that there are charities that can assist with deposits for rentals, which might be something to investigate. Are you being offered Housing Association and Council houses?

MariaSklodowska · 20/06/2016 20:15

Quite honestly if I was staying in a place such as you described with unwashed weirdos calling my baby "sexy" , 28 miles would be nothing. What is it, half an hour on the bus? I would call that normal.

You seem like one of those people who presents a problem and is then negative about any practical solution.

Crispbutty · 20/06/2016 20:17

"the closest I've been offered this week is 27.9 miles away"

away from what?

.

CurbsideProphet · 20/06/2016 20:17

Sorry you responded while I was typing. 30 miles isn't that far, if it means a secure home of your own. I've had to move 20+ miles from friends/family for work. Sometimes you have to consider if a sacrifice is worth it.

Original poster
Peppamouse16 · 20/06/2016 20:17

Well that's great Orange bird,good effort,but really I am bored of explaining myself

OP posts:
Crispbutty · 20/06/2016 20:19

Is it not possible to move closer to where your partner works. Otherwise you are going to be really struggling when you have two small children if he is away all week.

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