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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU and being a controlling bitch?

107 replies

NHSisfubar · 20/06/2016 02:26

I really don't think I am so happy to stand corrected. Had friends to stay this weekend. My friends but DP has met them several times and we are due to go on holiday with them soon.

DP had a sporting engagement which takes him away for the whole day pretty much. This was fine although meant dinner would be fairly late waiting for him to get back. So AIBU to think it's bloody rude to decide to go for a drink not at the venue his match was at (which would have been fine for a quick one) but instead to his home club venue over half an hour away and then not let anyone know where he is/how long he'll be and not answer message/call? And then proceed to rock up past 9pm when we've all been sat waiting (I've had to sort out substantial other picky food in the meantime as guests were so hungry) and then proceed to be rude to me when I quietly express that it's rude to be so late when we have guests. Oh and then refuse to eat said late dinner and sit sulking in the corner not speaking to anyone and causing an atmosphere. Apparently I'm unreasonable. Am I?

OP posts:
yougotitdude · 20/06/2016 17:02

YABU to expect your guests to wait until after 9pm to eat dinner. Why couldn't you of had dinner with them, then DH could of joined you for a drink/dessert once home?

thebestfurchinchilla · 20/06/2016 17:43

YANBU! That's bloody rude and immature.

thebestfurchinchilla · 20/06/2016 17:46

OP wasn't unreasonable. She didn't know he would be that late so she kept hanging on I imagine, thinking he'l be in any minute. if she'd known she wouldn't have planned it no doubt.

lovemyway · 20/06/2016 17:49

They are your friends - surely you can have dinner with them without him there if he'd rather go out with his own friends after doing his sport? I don't get the attitude that some women have of finding a partner and then having to do every little thing in tandem. Maybe he didn't want to spend the whole evening entertaining your friends and just prefers his own? That shouldn't be a big deal.
But he knew the plans and broke the arrangement causing embarrassment. he is BU not OP.

whois · 20/06/2016 17:53

Yes that was totally twattish, but why on earth did you wait for him?

I would have text/called and if no response go on with dinner for me and my hungry guests.

HippiePrincess · 20/06/2016 21:33

They are your friends - surely you can have dinner with them without him there if he'd rather go out with his own friends after doing his sport? I don't get the attitude that some women have of finding a partner and then having to do every little thing in tandem. Maybe he didn't want to spend the whole evening entertaining your friends and just prefers his own? That shouldn't be a big deal.
There is really no call for this remark. No indication that OP is "having to do every little thing in tandem" He made arrangements to have dinner and stood them all up with no notice and no communication, then sulked.
Outrageous behaviour and he sounds like a knob. Wants it all to be about him and probably resents the fact that these were your friends for dinner/ holiday plans.

HippiePrincess · 20/06/2016 21:34

The point about just getting on with dinner though is that it would have removed some of the control from him.

Katherine2626 · 21/06/2016 17:43

How old is this man? You should have eaten yours and left his in the oven; his choice not to come in at a reasonable time , his choice it seems to be impolite. turning up late AND sulking. What do you see in him?

MapMyMum · 21/06/2016 17:45

YANBU but i would have gone ahead without him especially as theyre mostly your friends

SooBee61 · 21/06/2016 17:53

Watch out for that sulking. Marriages have foundered on less. And you are not BU.

daisychain01 · 21/06/2016 17:57

I'm with the view that says you should have completely discounted your DP from the house guest arrangements including food. Would have saved stress and arguing with yourDP.

And to have told your friends

  • Sorry DP can't join us he's involved with an activity so let's crack on and eat, drink and make merry
ricketytickety · 21/06/2016 18:08
  1. He wasn't massively late so that shouldn't have been a problem
  2. Your guests and yourself should have carried on eating
  3. He should have let you know he'd be late so you could carry on without him
  4. He should have apologised when he got home, not sulked about your 'controlling' behaviour

So yanbu for being upset by his lack of respect to you and your guests. I advise carrying on without him and not relying on him to come home/leave on time and factor that in somehow.

Overshoulderbolderholder · 21/06/2016 18:30

My DM spent a lifetime re warming dinners , no microwave then, to a man that was doing 'men's stuff'. Thought we'd moved on .........

Palpatine · 21/06/2016 18:32

If you assumed he was going to turn up any minute because you couldn't get in touch, why didn't you just make a start on dinner so at least your guests were fed? I just find it odd to make your guests wait when he could for example have lost his phone and was on his way at the arranged time. Or did you need him to babysit your guests while you're prepping dinner?

Overshoulderbolderholder · 21/06/2016 18:32

I remember her throwing one at him as he walked up the drive onceConfused... I love them both dearly, but to still have that mindset as a man, I feel, is ignorant at best.

Overshoulderbolderholder · 21/06/2016 18:36

And yes to hang on for him, unless he had NEVER done that sort of thing before is condoning unacceptable behaviour. I understand the situation taking you by surprise though if it didn't fit a pattern and it turning it out less than satisfactory ..

monstiebags · 21/06/2016 19:15

You seem to be married to the same man as I am -

simiisme · 21/06/2016 19:53

YANBU. He was acting like a childish knob.

DeathStare · 21/06/2016 19:53

Can I just reiterate that my guests did NOT go hungry

I think we could be forgiven for thinking that they were seeing as you originally said

guests were so hungry

trafalgargal · 21/06/2016 21:05

You also said you wouldn't let them eat the real meal but insisted they ate snacky food instead -and that by the time you did serve dinner no-one ate much of it because they'd had load of snacks (plus an embarassing sulky atmosphere doesn't do much for enjoyment)

He made the evening all about him but you colluded with him - I'm wondering why waiting for him was more important to you than your guests. Most people would put their guests first.

1horatio · 21/06/2016 21:10

he was being really rude. DH would sleep on the couch (seeing as the guestroom would already be taken) for that.
But mayking the guests wait was also rude....

1horatio · 21/06/2016 21:12

*making

Girliefriendlikesflowers · 21/06/2016 21:21

I don't get why you waited for him tbh, surely in this scenario you would just dish up and if he hasn't turned up then tough. I find it really odd that you would wait till 9pm before serving dinner, that for me is way too late to eat.

BoatyMcBoat · 21/06/2016 22:07

Don't wait next time. My dh has done the same thing a couple of times - with people he likes and admires. I don't wait any more, and he has stopped doing it. Just tell him when dinner is and serve it up with or without him.

milliemolliemou · 21/06/2016 22:10

Serve your friends on the dot and have a good evening so he comes in on a great night. And if there's a next time eat earlier so it's not just round his timings. That way lies madness.

I'd guess your DP is a cricketer. But whatever sport, he's childish if he didn't let you know what he was doing, or come in apologizing to your friends, then refused to eat the meal etc. Do not make DP into DH unless you want this to go on for the next 30 years with same old.